The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 03.24.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 03.24.00

Well at least the audio is fixed on this one. The sound now comes from both channels in proper stereo. You can’t take that away from the show at least.

Joey immediately buries the network by introducing the show as “WELCOME TO ECW!!!!!!!……………on tnn”

Taped from Salem, New Hamphire. I don’t know if they also hunt witches in that Salem.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel Gertner

Super Crazy joins us for a promo in Spanish, and Joey announces that Crazy’s first title defense will be against Tajiri NEXT. But first, Cyrus interrupts and now he has a custom “TNN” graphic for himself, as they’re just openly trolling the network with the relationship rapidly falling apart. So Cyrus decides to use his Network powers to make the match into a JAPANESE DEATH MATCH, which is allegedly the specialty of Tajiri. What with him being Japanese and such. So Gertner gets all worked up and rips off his neck brace to prepare for a fight, but Cyrus tells him to get lost unless he wants to get arrested. So then Joey steps up and Cyrus threatens to cancel the show and thus destroy ECW and begs for Joey to give him his best shot so that he can “send the company back to the stone age”. But of course, Joey just loves ECW too much and he walks away.

Once again, a reminder that this never actually paid off with anything.

ECW TV title: Super Crazy v. Tajiri

As noted, this is a Japanese death match, with no DQs or countouts and all weapons are legal, so hopefully they can adjust to the drastic rule changes. They immediately brawl into the crowd and Crazy hits a dive into the front row, and then back in with a moonsault for two. Crazy with the punches in the corner, but Tajiri gets a cradle for two and follows with a shotgun dropkick. He grabs a chair and Crazy dropkicks it back in his face, so Tajiri hits him in the head with it and then sets it up and kicks it in Crazy’s face as we take a break. Back with Tajiri putting Crazy on a table in the ring and putting him through with a top rope double stomp, but that only gets two. Another table gets set up in the corner, but Crazy powerslams him through that and finds another table. You see, they love tables in Japan, so I’ve heard. Crazy puts Tajiri on this auxillary table and moonsaults him, failing to break the table, but then finishes with a powerbomb through the table at 9:55 to retain. This was definitely a match between Super Crazy and Tajiri, all right. ***. Afterwards, Corino and his crew hit the ring and Rhino goars Crazy to put him down, but Sandman makes the leisurely paced save. So after taking 5 minutes to go from the balcony and into the ring, Tajiri blows mist in his face and he’s done.

So next, Corino challenges anyone in the building to come after Rhino, and this time Ballz Mahoney answers, and Cyrus cuts a promo on him, but Corino and the other backup heels have already departed. So Ballz takes a shot at Cyrus, but Corino returns and the heels punk out Mahoney as well.

Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer is struggling with the Coke machine, but Angel of Da Baldies stops by to warn him that Raven has taken out a hit on him, but it’s nothing personal, and then Da Baldies all attack as promised. Where the fuck would RAVEN get money to put out a hit on someone?

Tommy Dreamer v. Vic Grimes of Da Baldies

So they immediately fight into the crowd, just like in the Japanese Death Match we just witnessed, and Tommy drags him to the rink boards and runs him into the glass. They fight into the penalty box, which would be a neat visual if you COULD FUCKING SEE ANYTHING GOING ON. Back to ringside, where Grimes powerslams him on the floor to take over while Da Baldies hassle the referee. Back into the crowd for more walking around in the dark arena, and Grimes goes up a scaffold and jumps off with someone that might have hit Dreamer? Back to the ring and Dreamer gets dropped on the railing for our first nutshot of the episode, which is some remarkable restraint for Tommy. Back in the ring, Grimes with a big fat splash for two. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s back to the floor again as Tommy gets put in a chair, but Grimes tries a dive and awkwardly flops to the floor and lands on the chair after Dreamer already moved 10 minutes earlier. Back into the ring, Tommy somehow fights off the fearsome Da Baldies by himself with the help of a ladder and we get a hilarious 69 spot for our second and third ballshots of the match at the same time. And they go back for another stroll in the crowd and this time it’s Dreamer who goes up the scaffolding and puts Grimes through a table. This looks so low rent indie. Like it’s not bad when they’re shooting the ring at a normal angle, but every time they pan out to the minor league hockey arena backdrop it immediately makes them look like a mudshow again. Oh and Grimes falls onto a ladder and gets pinned at 12:00. This was a complete throwaway garbage match and I did not enjoy it.

The Sinister Minister joins us and puts himself over as the mastermind of Mike Awesome and Raven as tag team champions, which lasted, what, a week? Quite the epic reign. And then he calls out Francine and calls her a whore of Babylon and basically notes that she’s an idiot. Francine: “I even got Tommy Dreamer to a championship. Tommy Dreamer for Christ’s sake!” But after that one funny line, then she goes on and ON and even the Minister is doing exaggerated yawns because the promo is so boring and pointless, but the upshot is that she takes credit for everything Raven did, including the tag team titles. And then the Impact Players interrupt…and that’s the end of the show.

Wow what a directionless run we’re on right now. Well at least they can still build around Mike Awesome as champion, knowing that he’s in for the long haul!