The SmarK Rant for ECW Holiday Hell 1995 – 12.29.95

Taped from Queens, New York.

Your host is Joey Styles.

Stevie and Meanie interrupt Joey’s opening spiel in order to insult the New York fans. Their chants of “Stevie takes it up the ass, doo dah” are a little off here. Steve miraculously finds Missy Hyatt in the crowd and offers a date with Raven. Dumb.

Taz v. Koji Nokigawa
Koji is from FMW, so I hate him already. But he’s the sacrificial lamb for Taz tonight, so that makes me feel a bit better. Taz showcase, as he sells nothing and fires off a few suplexes. Tazmission for the easy tapout. *1/2

JT Smith v. Hack Myers
JT was busy honing the first vestiges of the FBI gimmick. Kick and punch fest. JT tries really, really hard here, but Hack drags him down. JT slips on a moonsault attempt and looks to have hurt himself legit so Hack does his finisher quickly and gets the pin. **

2 “Gold” Scorpio v. Mikey Whipwreck
Both the tag team and TV titles belonging to Scorp are on the line here. Sabu match (spot-rest-spot). Mikey’s just never had the proper training to know what to do in a real wrestling match. Long story short, Scorp wipes the mat with Mikey, nailing move after move in succession but picking him up because he’s such a dick. Mikey manages a top rope rana, but Scorpio continues the carnage until the ref gets bumped (AAAARGH!). Cactus Jack runs and in DDTs Scorpio, and puts Mikey on top for the pin and titles. Cactus helps himself to a tag title as payment. **1/2

The Eliminators v. The Pitbulls
Non-sensical brawling with some nice spots from the Elims tossed in at random. I still don’t get what was so great about the Elims — Owen and Bulldog were easily the superior team in 96-97. Kronus is a spot machine, but he blows a lot of simple stuff. Pitbull #2 annoys me even more, no-selling at various points and killing whatever storyline was being built up. Ie, he’ll get double-teamed to the point of death and then suddenly jump up and start beating his chest. Elims have several faboo spots, though. Chaos ensues, and Saturn takes a superbomb, but the ref is busy trying to break up a fight between Francine and Jason, which allows Total Elimination and a pin for the Elims. **

Tommy Dreamer v. Raven
Stevie & Meanie emerge sans Raven. Stevie announces that Raven broke his…(thinks about it)…leg and can’t be there. Funny bit. So Dreamer attacks Meanie, DDTs and pins him. Then Stevie gets the same. Then Tommy goes after Beulah, which finally draws out Raven. Nothing even remotely resembling wrestling here. Chairs, cheese graters, you know the routine. Weak brawling as Dreamer hits Raven with a series of increasingly dumb objects. They fight out to the parking lot, do nothing, and fight back in. Then a ref bump (AAAAARRRRRGHHH!) and Raven accidentally gets sprayed with hairspray by Beulah. DDT, but Raven kicks out. Dreamer hits him in the groin several times, and then the ref gets bumped AGAIN?!? Raven DDTs Tommy on a chair for the pin. What a boring brawl. *

Bruiser Mastino v. Pablo Marquez
Mastino is the brother of Paul Neu (PN News) and was Mantaur in the WWF. Total squash, right out of a 1987 episode of WWF Superstars. Powerslam for the pin. * Not bad as squashes go. Mastino continues beating the hell out of the kid, so it’s time to call 911. Chokeslam. Then Fonzie sticks his nose into things and Tod Gordon run out to brawl with him. Then Taz runs in and stares down 911 until the back clears to separate them.

Finally, only Stevie, the Meanie and two of the minor Dudleys are left in the ring. Buh Buh Ray and Big Dick make their entrance. Stevie lays down the law: Raven isn’t happy with them, and either Buh Buh Ray beats the Meanie, or he’s out of the Nest. Buh Buh Ray responds with the line of the night: “Stevie, fuck you and your Blue Meanie!” So….

Buh Buh Ray Dudley v. The Blue Meanie
Quick and ugly. Dudley with the top rope splash in under a minute. The Dudleys beat on Meanie after the win. Stevie then sucks up to the Dudleys like nuts, apologizing for everything he said about them, their his #1 team, Meanie doesn’t mean shit, etc. The Dudleys ignore him and head back to the dressing room. Then, when they’re out of earshot, Stevie suddenly lurches back and declares his love for the Meanie (who is just now waking up). Incredibly funny stuff. Richards is god.

ECW title match: The Sandman v. Raven
Raven earned this by beating Dreamer. I have yet to see a match between these two that is even remotely good. This drags on forever until the ref gets bumped (WHAT, AGAIN?!?!) and the troops attack. Dreamers canes both Sandman and Raven, piledrives Beulah, and leaves. Then Cactus DDTs Sandman but he kicks out. Raven and Sandman end up on the top rope and Sanmdan executes a horrible bulldog for the pin. DUD

Public Enema v. The Gangstas
Grunge bleeds 4 seconds in. Rocco and Mustafa try some, you know, WRESTLING, for a bit, but that goes nowhere. If in doubt, hit someone with something. The table doesn’t break when they try to put Mustafa through it, but Mustafa gets it to go when he puts Rocco through it. Driveby, but the ref is distracted. Rocco takes a chairshot and gets rolled up for the pin. 1/4* What is with the booking tonight?

Main event: Cactus Jack v. Sabu
This is high-concept stuff, folks: Cactus tells a long-winded story about dreams coming true, then in order to make Sabu’s dreams come true, he decided to make this an Olympic Rules match so Sabu can show his technical side. Pee Wee Moore comes out and reads off the rules of NCAA wrestling and the crowd is getting more pissed off by the second. 911 inevitably makes his appearance, chokeslams Pee Wee, and takes over reffing duties. Joey’s attempts to “keep score” are priceless. The match is total garbage wrestling, of course, but Foley has a knack of holding it together. Cactus takes some vicious chairshots here. Anti-climactic ending as Sabu hits an Atomic Arabian Facebuster for 2, and then Cactus tries a bodyslam and collapses under Sabu’s weight for the pinfall. ***

The Bottom Line: As ECW shows go, it’s not great, but if you’re new to it, this is the best introduction to the major players in ECW that I’ve ever seen.Stevie keeps it entertaining for the rest of us, too.

Highly recommended.