The SmarK Rant for ECW Heatwave 1995 – 07.18.95

Taped from the World’s Most Famous Bingo Hall, July 1995.

Your host is Joey.

Bill Aphonso comes out to rant, and Tod Gordon rebutts, causing a fight to break out. The sound is really bad and I can’t make out what they’re arguing about, but I’m sure you can fill it in yourself.

Stormin’ Norman v. Mikey Whipwreck
Even Mikey needs someone to squash. See, Norman is a jobber who wears Desert Storm themed tights. Yeah. Mikey quickly tosses him out and hits a sort-of quebrada. Back into the ring for some verbal abuse via the crowd, and then Norman does a sloppy headscissors to take Mikey to the floor, followed by an axehandle from the apron. More stalling from Norman. And more. And more. Mikey finally chases him and they fight in the aisle. Back to the ring, more stalling as the ECW fans invent the “Asshole” chant currently in use in the WWF. Mikey goes to the floor and Norman hits a horrible plancha. Back in the ring, Mikey quickly finishes it with a rana from the top at 6:45. Bleh. 1/2*

ECW Tag team title match: Raven & Stevie Richards v. Don E
Allen & The Broad Street Bully. Stevie’s stalker (later named…Francine) is sitting in the front row and looking rather do-able, I have to say. And about 20 pounds heavier than today, which is a GOOD thing, thank you. Raven hits Allen with a DDT while Stevie makes out with Francine about a minute into the match. Joey gives his “I’ll be damned, Stevie likes girls!” line and a catfight breaks out with Beulah and Francine (the first of many). Raven and Richards get counted out at a marathon 2:07 trying to break it up. DUD The Pitbulls attack, and the Dudleys attack them, and then Tommy Dreamer runs in to attack Raven. They all fight to the back, and meanwhile the Bully mouths off about getting a rematch. So Raven and Richards return to oblige, DDT the shit out of them, and now the entire brawl breaks out all over again. The girls get into ANOTHER catfight, and now Big Dick Dudley is in to stop Dreamer from breaking any more of Raven’s fingers.

Big Val Puccio v. Hack Myers
Val is a big fat fuck. Was he the guy who was part of Dave Scherer’s little group of “Bleacher Bums” years ago on RSPW and got the tryout, or am I thinking of someone else here? I forget if that was 94 or 95. Incidentally, Hack was on Shotgun a couple of months ago jobbing to the Hardy Boys, and he looked great, with normal tights and a proper haircut and everything. No contact is made until the two minute mark, when Hack tries a slam and fails. Hack unloads with kicks and punches, but Val is JUST TOO FUCKING FAT. Val no-sells and gives him three avalanches. Ouch. Val picks him up and gives him another two. Then a powerslam and a big splash. A simple elbow misses and Hack rolls over for the pin at 6:20. As exciting a move as it sounded. DUD I’d make a pun involving “Puccio/Poochio”, being fat, and jobbing, but I think we’re all above that sort of humor.

Raven, Little Snot Dudley & Dudley Dudley v. Tommy Dreamer & The Pitbulls
Dreamer destroys Raven in the ring while Luna hangs around looking psychotic. Bill Alphonso suddenly runs in and demands the match immediately be stopped due to excessive violence. Match is clipped to the Pitbulls cleaning house on the heels and hitting the Superbomb on Stevie. Francine breaks up the count and Beulah attacks her. The Pitbulls hit another one on Little Snot and get the pin at 5:32 of what we got to see. DUD

Taz & Eddy Guerrero v. 2 Cold Scorpio & Dean Malenko
Match is clipped rather heavily. This is, I believe, the debut of the “new look” Taz, with a haircut and wrestling boots and everything. His mammoth heel turn against Sabu would come at N2R 95. Taz injures his knee and Malenko focuses on it. Eddy gets the hot tag and the match is a series of 10 second soundbites from there, leading to the finish: Scorpio takes out Paul E. on the floor accidentally, and 911’s music starts up, distracting Scorpio enough for Taz to get the pin at 8:29 of what we saw after clipping. Bill Alphonso runs in and declares that the match will in fact continue, allowing the heels to jump Eddy and Taz from behind and get the pin (from Alphonso). Paul E gets into Bill’s face about his bullshit, and somehow Rob Feinstein gets involved and starts lipping him off. RF and Fonzie double-team Paul E, and now 911 hits the ring for real and chokeslams Feinstein. They clipped the fucking match and left Rob Feinstein getting chokeslammed by 911 in???

ECW World title match: The Sandman v. Axl Rotten
Oh, boy, my dream match. Why couldn’t they hack this one up? Sandman casually beats Axl to death with the cane, causing him to bail. He retreats to the locker room and returns with man’s best friend: The barbed wire baseball bat. They talk for a while and then Axl attacks with the bat. Then Sandman gets it and unravels the barbed wire. They do a lot of stuff that involves Joey saying “barbed wire” before Sandman hits a Fame-Asser off the top rope (or in Jim’s case, a Fat-Asser might be more apropos) for the pin at 10:37. Call it 1/4*

Cage match: Stevie Richards v. Luna
Stevie gets destroyed by Luna very quickly into this, and blades after being tossed into the cage. She hits a Diamond Cutter (in 1995!), spinning neckbreaker and pump splash, but picks him up at two. Stevie uses the opening to hit an inverted atomic drop and powerbomb, then rams Luna into the cage. She starts pulling the gig out of her glove while the camera is still on her. D’OH! She blades, but hits Stevie low and DDT’s him for two. Stevie responds with a powerbomb for two. Stevie with a neckbreaker and slam, and he goes to the top of the cage, but hits Luna’s foot on the way down. That looked pretty bad. Luna goes to the top and splashes him, but picks him up at two. She clamps on the…uh…testicular claw and gets the submission at 7:45. Selling and psychology was ridiculous, but it’s the match of the night so far, which isn’t saying much. **1/2

And now the famous bit: Raven and the Dudleys attack, and get run off by the Pitbulls and Tommy Dreamer. Well, everyone but Raven at least, because Dreamer beats the hell out of him, crucifies him on the cage, and smashes a chair over his head to FINALLY get revenge for all the shit Raven pulled on him over the weeks leading up to this. That particular scene (Dreamer yelling “ECW!” and breaking the chair over his head) is still preserved into the opening video montage that ECW uses today.

The Public Enema v. The Gangstas
Which one is Swoll?This was shortly before TPE signed with WCW for the first time. Mixed reaction from the crowd, due to the news of their “selling out”. The Gangstas would soon be doing the exact same matches as TPE anyway, so it’s not like some huge void was created or anything. This is also a cage match, with weapons conveniently placed inside the cage. Again I ask…WHY DID THEY CLIP THAT TAG MATCH EARLIER? Hey, if you like four guys hitting each other with weapons for 10 minutes, this is the match for you! This is probably about $10 on the Otto Heuer scale. The lack of “Natural Born Killaz” playing in the background ruins the flow for me, however. I feel it should be noted that a rubber chicken is one of the objects seen laying in the ring. That’s just an observation, not a judgment. The “match”, as it is, is just them hitting each other with the plunder and bleeding, with the occasional token wrestling move thrown in. Rocco Rock misses the Drive-By, which gives Mustapha a two-count. Grunge holds Mustapha FOREVER as Rock climbs to the top of the cage, and knocks both of them down with a flying body attack. It gets a two-count for Grunge. The requisite pair of tables gets brought into the ring and set up while the Gangstas oblige by lying around. New Jack gets put on the top table, and Rock moonsaults New Jack through two tables, which is admittedly a nice visual. Rock plays dead after the move, so he can’t get the pin, and Mustapha sprays mace into Grunge’s eyes and gets the cheap pin at 14:30. Call it about ***. But then they’re no Hardcore Holly…

The Bottom Line: I wish that fucking tag match hadn’t been clipped. Otherwise, this was the Raven v. Tommy show, which provided for some entertaining segments, although the wrestling sucked.

Mild recommendation to avoid unless you’ve never seen the Chairshot Heard Round the World.