The SmarK Rant for ECW Hardcore TV – 01.10.95

The SmarK Rant for ECW Hardcore TV – 01.10.95

OK, picking this up again since all the kids are talking about Philly this week for whatever reason, although this time I’m just watching the normally-edited episodes on the WWE Network because the “re-edited” version with the music restored came off really badly. Plus I already know what songs are supposed to be there anyway.

Taped from the Bingo Hall

Your host is Joey Styles, who welcomes us to the redesigned ECW Arena, which now has more room to cram drunken idiots into it. Yeah but how much was the GATE? That’s what all the kids want to know these days.

Stevie Richards joins us to start, dressed like Scotty Flamingo this week. Joey doubts that Stevie can actually produce Johnny Polo as claimed, but Stevie notes that this is a bigger day than the signing of the Constitution. Because he’s not going to produce Johnny Polo…he’s producing RAVEN. So Raven debuts in ECW, instantly looking super cool, and immediately threatens Stevie and Joey, completely reinvented. So Stevie gets one chance to redeem himself after losing to Tommy Dreamer last week…or else.

Stevie Richards v. Hack Myers

Hack is sporting a neck brace after a match with Chris Benoit, and we get a video package showing Hack going from faceless job guy to…whatever he is now. Homeless messiah? Never really got the gimmick. So Stevie jumps him and rips the neck brace off, then chokes him out while the crowd declares “You both suck”. Stevie slugs away and gets a neckbreaker for one, and a snap suplex for one. Richards chokes him out on the ropes and a legdrop gets two as the crowd completely turns on the match, but Stevie makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and Hack kicks him in the nuts to take over. He makes the comeback so the mutants can go “Shah shah shah” with his punches, but Myters doesn’t have a lot of effective followup here and they’re pretty lost out there. Hack goes up and comes down with a facebuster on Richards, but Raven strolls into the ring, loads up the boot like he’s the Iron Sheik, and kicks Hack down to put Richards on top for the pin at 4:48. Oh also Raven has some kind of a problem with Tommy Dreamer, which I’m sure we’ll hear about at a later date. This was quite a shitty match. DUD

Meanwhile, Joey runs down the injuries delivered by Chris Benoit, and we finally nail down The Crippler nickname for him. Also Joey notes that they sold tickets in the Eagle’s Nest so now he has to do these segments from a small corner of the arena, which is where he ended up staying for most of the rest of the shows from the Bingo Hall.

Meanwhile, in New York, The Public Enemy crashes the ECW premiere, and then Shane Douglas shows up with a harem of women.

Last week: Jason introduces his newest charge, The Giant Paul Lauria, who turns on Mikey Whipwreck.

Meanwhile, The Extreme Encyclopedia has some funny definitions for Sandman, Woman and 2 Cold Scorpio, with my favorite being Woman as a “henchwench”.

Meanwhile, in New York again, Shane and his women party down in a club so exclusive that no one else is there. Man this show is DRAGGING. Did they run out of footage or something this week?

Meanwhile, Joey is now in New York interviewing Shane and his women at Club Expo. Shane as a womanizing blond World champion is some irony considering how much he hated Flair.

Meanwhile, Ron Simmons complains about Shane hurting his arm and putting him in a sling. He’s supposed to be the one putting people in slings, not Shane! And after he’s done with Shane, he’s coming after Benoit and Malenko with help from his best friend 2 Cold Scorpio!

2 Cold Scorpio joins us and throws out a challenge to Benoit and Malenko, so they come out and slap him around, and he decides to fight them both by himself. So Benoit immediately drops Scorpio on his head with the dragon suplex and the beatdown commences. The refs try to break things up, and finally they get tired of beating Scorp’s ass and just leave. Scorpio as a wacky babyface was NO BUYS and I’m so glad that they turned him heel soon after.

The Sandman v. 2 Cold Scorpio

So yeah, Scorpio has been beaten to a pulp but the show must go on! Well after Sandman does his 10 minute entrance and gives Scorpio plenty of time to recover. But still, he whips Scorp into the corner and beats on the neck, and then goes up with his legdrop and then tosses Scorpio to the floor. Scorpio comes back out there and runs Sandman into the railing and superkicks him, while Sandman “sells” like a mannequin getting pushed over. Back in the ring, Sandman hits him with a chairshot and leisurely goes in for another attack, but Scorpio slugs him down and goes up with a flying splash. Piledriver, complete with a Dutch angle from the cameraman, and Scorpio goes up again but misses the splash this time. Sandman clotheslines him down again and slowly wanders the ring like a dementia patient, but Scorpio hits him with a fugly moonsault press and pins him at 6:13 in a main event somehow WORSE than that god-awful Hack Myers opener. -*

And then Benoit and Malenko hit the ring and attack Scorpio again as we’re done. THANK GOD.

Yeah, the Raven debut was certainly historic but my god the rest of this episode was all-time terrible stuff.