The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents WWF’s Explosive TNT Show

– This is a different kind of video, because there’s no wrestling, just interviews and skits from the ill-conceived “Tuesday Night Titans” show on USA from years back. The concept is that it’s a late-night style talk show, hosted by Vince and co-hosted by Alfred Hayes, with nothing but wrestlers as guests and skits in between.

Opening bit: FUJI VICE~! Explanation: One of the running gags on the show was that Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco were constantly trying for an acting career, and this was the masterpiece. So Fuji and Muraco are playing vice cops on the beaches of Miami investigating a drug-related murder. Fuji is Philip Michael Thomas and Muraco is Don Johnson. Now here’s the brilliant part: Everyone plays it absolutely straight, with Fuji maintaining his bad accent even while wearing a stylish suit. Fuji and Muraco are horrible actors, of course, but that just adds to the brilliance. This is the kind of understated camp that WCW wished they could pull off in 1993. Widely considered the highmark for the TNT show. 1 for 1.

– Bobby Heenan meets a weasel. You see, Vince brings out a kid with a pet weasel to see if Heenan really does look like one. Heenan gets indignant. 1 for 2.

– Clip of Hoss (Dory) Funk v. George Welles.

– Texas barbeque with the Funk family. Jimmy Hart bastes a roasting chicken while Jimmy Jack paces like a madman. The payoff comes as Alfred Hayes pisses off Jimmy Jack, and Dory dumps barbeque sauce on him and strings him up from a nearby tree. Lord Alfred getting hung is good enough for a point by me. 2 for 3.

– Cooking lessons with Captain Lou. He’s making Christmas cookies for George Steele and is of course completely repulsive. He mixes everything into a bowl haphazardly, and then dumps it over Alfred’s head. Kind of dumb. 2 for 4.

– Clips of Nikolai Volkoff v. one of the Strongbows.

– This Is Your Life, Nikolai Volkoff. Of course, he’s still wearing his one and only suit. First reminiscer: Freddie Blassie. He discovered him in an Olympic gym in 1980. Sure. Second reminiscer: His sister Olga. “Nikolai, remember when we went to Gorky Park and got sick on the rides?” Funny line. She has the worst Russian accent ever, of course, and is dressed like a 19th century peasant. She has a “baby picture” of Nikolai, which is a picture of a baby with Nikolai’s head pasted on it. Really funny. Nikolai has trouble keeping a straight face through the verbal abuse as she accuses him of throwing away her ballet career in order to sculpt animals out of leftover wood pieces. Obviously he had
no clue what was going to happen to him in this, but he manages to keep up pretty well. 3 for 5.

– Clips of Adonis & Murdoch v. Atlas & Garea.

– Clips of Hulk Hogan v. “Adorable” Adrian to illustrate the change.

– Adrian Adonis gets a makeover. He hits on McMahon 10 years before Goldust. Pretty pointless. 3 for 6.

– Clips of Don Muraco v. Hulk Hogan.

– Don Muraco gets a massage from two bikini-clad women. Muraco is covered in oil and everyone is on the verge of losing it. Cute but pointless. 3 for 7.

– Baffle the Brain. Hayes asks some wrestling trivia:

1) What city did Tito Santana win the I-C title from Valentine in?

2) What was the name of Lou Albano’s tag team partner, and the name of the
team?

3) Who was Freddy Blassie’s only World champion, and who beat him for
it?

4) Who was the only man (at the time) to win all three titles?

5) Name two managers on the inside of “The Wrestling Album”?

He gets the first four right, but misses the last one and then tries to lie his way out of it. 4 for 8. This gets a point because I’d like to see half of RSPW get those questions right. Don’t go sending me the answers, I already know them. I leave it as an exercise for RSPW to get these without using the PWI Almanac.

– Roddy Piper & Bob Orton, re: The Hillbillies. Clips of a six-man featuring Orton, Piper and Ventura against the Hillbillies are shown. The heels cheat to win of course. We come back to talk with Piper and he does his Bruno Sammartino impersonation. He makes fun of Vince’s hair for kicks. 5 for 8, but only because of Piper’s antics.

– Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco offer a retrospective of their acting ventures. Clips include “Fuji General” (the soap opera bit with Muraco as a cheating lowlife doctor), “Fuji Bandito” (the western bit with Muraco as a grizzled gunslinger and Moolah as his little missy) and “Fuji Chan” (the murder mystery bit with Fuji as a famous cliche-spewing Chinese detective). The idea was that these were the tryout tapes that were to be sent to studios in Hollywood to launch their acting careers, and of course they’re the only ones who are oblivious to how bad their acting is. Incredibly funny stuff. 6 for 8.

– Fuji and Muraco go to Hollywood. TV didn’t work, so now they’re trying movies. But first they have to find an agent. So they show him their stuff (from the above bullet) and get laughed out of the office. Next up it’s the movie studio, but the security guard won’t let them in. So they try another one and this time attempt to bribe the guard. That doesn’t work, so they hit CBS where “Hulk Hogan’s Rock N Wrestling” is being filmed and harass Mean Gene. So Gene relents and finally lets them on TV, filming a scene with them where he reads a fan letter and presents them with an attached gift: “Acting Lessons for Bad Actors”. Not as strong as the actual bits, but Fuji and Muraco are a GREAT comic team. 7 for 9.

– Ebineezer Piper. This would be Roddy Piper’s take on “A Christmas Carol”. Christmas past: A young Roddy Piper (in kilt and tartan) steals lunch money from classmates. Christmas present: Piper steals all the Scotch tape from the Cratchetts (so they can’t wrap their presents, you see). Christmas to come: Piper is dead. Or at least in WCW trying to be cool while in his mid-40s. Piper fires one-liners at the ghosts the whole time, and when Marley sums everything up for him, Piper beats him up and goes back to sleep. Cute, but didn’t really click. 7 for 10.

– The Mating Game. A woman poses questions for Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart and Jimmy Hart in a Dating Game spoof. Bret Hart isn’t particularly charismatic here. All 3 come off sounding like idiots, of course. She refuses to date any of them and storms off. So Vince brings out a substitute, a homely woman with a huge mole on her upper lip. Neidhart gets chosen. Bret and Jimmy leave him to the wolves. 7 for 11.

The Bottom Line: This is actually a fairly decent tape for what it is: A tongue-in-cheek entertainment show that definitely cannot be accused of taking itself seriously. If you want wrestling, skip it, but if you were around back then, it’s worth a look just for the Fuji/Muraco show.