The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents WWF’s Amazing Managers

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents WWF’s Amazing Managers

So I did “Brains Behind the Brawn” a couple of years ago, but this is ANOTHER video dedicated to managers, from 1985, which appears to be even crappier.

Hosted by Bobby Heenan, who explains why managers are indispensable to the wrestlers.

First up, Magnificent Muraco is hanging out in Hawaii, “getting greased up like a pig” by bikini clad women, and we meet his manager, the “inscrutable” Mr. Fuji.

Mr. Fuji & Magnificent Muraco v. Junkyard Dog & Ricky Steamboat

We’re in Landover for this one, and the babyfaces attack as Steamboat chokes out Fuji with the karate belt while Dog hits Muraco with headbutts. Next up, Steamboat goes after Muraco and chokes him out while JYD takes care of Fuji, until the ref finally gets the belt taken away. Muraco bumps to the floor to retreat and Steamboat runs him into the post because he’s in no mood tonight. So after he’s done beating the shit out of Muraco, he goes running into the ring, vaults over the top rope, and kicks the hell out of Fuji on the other side of the ring. Back in the ring, he hits Muraco with the flying chop, but we’re clipped to Muraco making the tag to Fuji so the heels can take over on Steamboat. Fuj with the kamikaze headbutt and Muraco puts Steamboat down with a short clothesline and talks shit to JYD on the apron, which of course allows Fuji a chance to cheat and choke out the Dragon. But then Ricky fights them off and makes the hot tag to the Dog and he rams the heels together and clotheslines Muraco for two. Legsweep gets two. Dog puts him down with a shoulderblock, but Fuj the Stooge hits the Dog with an enzuigiri of sorts from the apron, behind the ref’s back, and Dog does a great sell off that. But then he brings Steamboat in one more time and Ricky goes nuts and beats on Muraco with chops, sending him crashing into Fuji and then pinning Fuj at 7:00. Tremendous entertainment. ***1/4. But then Dog gets tied in the ropes and the heels toss salt in the Dragon’s eyes and double-team him until JYD escapes and makes the save.

From TNT, we meet Johnny Valiant and his new charge Brutus Beefcake. Valiant was still working out his personality and manager character at this point and sounded more like a smarmy Steve Martin rather than his later growling rasp.

Luscious Johnny Valiant v. Steve Lombardi

Back to the Cap Center again, as we pick things up with Johnny choking him out with a cable from the apron and then tossing him to the floor and ramming him into Gorilla’s table. He hauls Lombardi into the aisle and slams him out there. Lombardi actually makes a comeback and pulls Valiant to the floor, returning the favor with his own slam on the concrete and drawing some impressive babyface heat. Steve slingshots him back into the ring and makes an impressive fired up comeback, but Johnny clotheslines him out of the corner and drops an elbow for the pin at 4:20. Another really entertaining match! **1/2

We meet The Grand Wizard, from an early episode of Championship Wrestling, as he introduces the young Magnificent Muraco, who is putting aside all his surfing goals in order to be WWF champion. Wizard: “It’s hard to be as great as Muraco is and still be humble.” I have that exact problem.

Next up, Classy Freddy Blassie, and we get the last part of the Sheik & Volkoff winning the tag team titles at Wrestlemania to celebrate him. We’ve covered this a million times, of course.

George Steele v. Nikolai Volkoff

From MSG in 1985. Big ol’ stall to start and Steele attacks and tries to bite Volkoff, but Nikolai puts the boots to him in the corner and stomps him down until George fights him off. The poor turnbuckle suffers an ignoble death and Steele shoves the padding in Volkoff’s face to take over, but Blassie hits George with the cane and then attacks Captain Lou. So Steele goes to save and Blassie attacks him with the cane as well, and Volkoff brawls with him until both guys are counted out at 4:14. Complete garbage. DUD

From TNT, Greg Valentine introduces his new manager from Memphis, Jimmy Hart, who apparently used to play in a group called the Gentrys. I don’t wanna be a managerial slut shamer, but Greg went from Captain Lou to Jimmy Hart to Johnny V and then back to Jimmy Hart in a short period of time. Jimmy declares Greg to be in the best shape of his life after getting away from the bad influence of that fat slob Captain Lou. He’s got a point.

Next up, we meet Cyndi Lauper, who guides Wendi Richter to a World title win over Fabulous Moolah at the Brawl to End It All. And then we get a promo from Cyndi and Wendi regains the title at Wrestlemania. Not much to that segment.

Thankfully it’s time for a REAL manager, as we hear from Bobby Heenan and get highlights of the Studd-Andre match from Wrestlemania, and then join Bobby on TNT with a classic segment where he and Vince read love questions from fans. Do wrestlers make good lovers? Bobby says yes, they make the second best lovers in the world. After managers. Does Bobby have advice for a 69 year old woman whose husband won’t make love to her? Jump out of the rocker, rip off the shawl, and use some better perfume maybe. Maybe some booze to get him going. Last question: A women has a husband with a six inch…scar on his face, and Vince just completely loses it while Alfred is screaming with laughter off-camera. Bobby: “She should be lucky he has a six inch anything.” Vince explains that many wrestlers have scars on their foreheads for whatever reason, so that’s why she was writing in to ask them. So Bobby suggests putting a bag over his head and pretending he’s Vince McMahon. I have no idea how Bobby didn’t crack completely on the last question.

Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd

We’re in Toronto for this one, as we’re joined with Andre escaping a bearhug, but John puts him down with a big boot and drops an elbow on him. So Bobby gives Studd a pair of scissors, but Andre bites the arm to block it, and then kicks the holy hell out of Studd and Bobby and slams Studd. This brings Bundy out for the beatdown and DQ at 1:50 aired, and they double-team Andre as Bundy drops splashes on him repeatedly.

From TNT, we get a panel of managers, all of whom are trying to strike a deal with RANDY SAVAGE, YEAH. So we’ve got Heenan, Hart and Blassie all sniping at each other and Blassie is flashing wads of cash. So then Savage rips off his jacket and poses for them (“Swing round one way and kiss it, YEAH!”) He was referring to his biceps, by the way.

Randy Savage v. Jim Young

BUT FIRST, the Macho Man brings out all the managers who have been courting his services, so they can all be present when we announce the winning manager. Savage tosses Young and hits him with the double axehandle, and then back in for a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it “Savage getting his win back from Hogan”, and the flying elbow finishes at 1:47. And then of course we get the debut of Miss Elizabeth while Vince McMahon drools like a moron. No wonder Randy kept her locked in the dressing room with that perv around.

Uncle Elmer & Cousin Junior v. Barry O & Jerry Adams

From Championship Wrestling, in a match also featured on Country Boys. Actually no, they take pity on us and cut it off after 30 seconds.

From TNT, Jimmy Hart and Freddie Blassie deny making any remarks about each other behind their backs, so Vince of course eggs them on and causes more trouble.

From Championship Wrestling, Bobby Heenan has the Manager of the Year sewn up, but Hillbilly Jim donates his votes to Captain Lou, making Albano the winner in some questionable voting fraud. So King Kong Bundy rightly lays out Jim to teach him about democracy and gives him a few big splashes for good measure.

And we finish with Captain Lou pre-babyface turn, who chats with Vince on TNT and takes credit for all of Cyndi Lauper’s success and the success of most of the wrestlers in the WWF as well. And then he goes on a rant about how the Samoans blame him for losing the tag team titles. But he’s been psychoanalyzed by professionals who have declared that he has a 157 IQ due to his medulla oblongata. Vince wonders how much he’s taken from the Samoans in terms of pay, and Albano feels that whatever it was, it wasn’t enough.

Captain Lou Albano & Afa v. Andre the Giant & Pedro Morales

From my favorite arena lately, the Spectrum, and we get a series of highlights with Morales getting worked over by the heels in the corner and put down with a headbutt from Afa. Lou comes in and slams him, but Pedro slips over and brings in Andre, who quickly takes care of business and wallops Afa with his ass. Afa manages to get a shot on Andre while his head is down, and actually is able to bring Andre down and choke him out in the corner. Afa with a headbutt, one of the rare times someone wins a headbutt battle with Andre, and chokes him out in the corner. But then he brings Albano in, and Lou is wrestling barefoot tonight, so Andre stomps on his toes and then headbutts him into next week and the heels get beaten up by the babyfaces until Pedro whips Afa into Andre’s boot and pins him at 5:00 shown. What a fun match to end a very fun tape.

You know what, this one way overdelivered based on what the concept was. Lots of stuff I’ve never seen before and some classic segments make this one a winner with a brisk 90 minute runtime that doesn’t overstay.