The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Wrestling’s Country Boys

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Wrestling’s Country Boys

Yes it’s finally time for a redo of Vince’s all time dream compilation tape.

Hosted by Mean Gene, who notes that their style is derived from SCUFFLIN’ back home in Mudlick.

From TNT, Hillbilly Jim meets up with Hulk Hogan at his home, as Hulk is going to train Jim for some HANGING AND BANGING and first up they need a high test protein drink. Yeah Hulk was delivering high test in his protein drinks, all right. So we get a training montage, as Jim is just a stupid hick and doesn’t understand how “lifting weights” works because the barbell is too complicated for him to understand with his undeveloped hillibilly brain. So Hulk brings him to a ring and runs through some training drills and Jim is hopefully clumsy and can’t even run the ropes. Never stopped Braun Stroman. But luckily, with a few more weeks of weight training and Hulk telling him to leave that damn hat off, Jim is ready to be a WWF superstar! “Just because you beat a bear in the circus, how are you gonna beat those guys in the ring?” Wise words indeed.

Hillbilly Jim v. Terry Gibbs

So we join the debut of Jim on Championship Wrestling in progress, with Hulk in his corner, as Gibbs is unable to knock Jim off his feet. So Jim slams him, and Gibbs rakes the eyes and slugs back, but can’t slam Jim, who then finishes with the bearhug at 1:49.

Bolstered by that success, Jim goes back to the gym with Hulk and lifts EVEN MORE WEIGHTS, before learning his first wrestling move: A hammerlock reversal. Hulk shows him a bunch of fancy reversals, but then Jim does just powers out of it. Hulk is so happy that he awards Jim his old wrestling boots as a prize.

Hillbilly Jim v. Rene Goulet

Jim’s MSG debut. Just out of curiosity I Googled it, and Mud Lick KY is in fact a real place. This is of course from the War to Settle the Score in February 85 and Jim is crazy over already. Jim works a headlock on Goulet after some stalling and hauls him around the ring before doing the gag where Goulet is in the ropes and Jim just pulls him off and drops him. Goulet tries using the phantom object to take over, but he goes to the top rope and lands in a bearhug and that’s all over at 8:00. DUD

Next up, Jim breaks his leg and has to transition being a manager for a while, so we join The Body Shop with Jesse Ventura, where Jim introduces his relative Uncle Elmer, aka Plowboy Frazier from Memphis and elsewhere. Man they hand-waved away a pretty big angle there by not showing anything with the leg-breaking.

Piper’s Pit with special guest Hillbilly Jim, and Piper thinks that Jim has been lying about the broken leg all along, but Uncle Elmer makes his debut on the Pit and saves Jim.

Uncle Elmer v. Tiger Chung Lee

We appear to be in the Cap Center in Maryland here. Oddly, whatever music was used for Elmer is overdubbed here, even though this is the original Coliseum video and not the Network version. Lee attacks in the corner and Elmer uses the redneck kung fu chop on him to send Lee retreating to the apron. Back in, Lee uses some martial arts, but Elmer whips him into the corner and backdrops him before finishing with a legdrop at 2:20. Horrible. -*

Uncle Elmer v. Big John Studd

We’re in MSG in late 85 for this one. Studd attacks and puts the boots to Elmer to start and pounds him with clubbing forearms, but Elmer fights back as poor Studd has to run all around the ring while Elmer stands there doing nothing. Elmer with a corner splash, but he goes for a slam and Bobby Heenan runs in for the DQ at 2:00 before it get any worse, thankfully. And we get a big brawl as the crowd goes crazy but there was nothing to the match at all. DUD

From TNT, Jim and Elmer do some strumming and singing with the house band, and then share a sumptuous hillbilly dinner with Vince, featuring cornbread and barbecued possum. Alfred just wants some to-mah-to, but Jim makes him eat a possum burger instead, washed down with buttermilk.

Cousin Junior v. Ron Shaw

Scraping the bottom of the hillbilly barrel now with Junior, as he debuts on Championship Wrestling and he’s probably the worst of all the clan. Unsurprisingly he didn’t last long, and ended up playing a Moondog later on. Junior finishes with a mule kick at 1:00.

Cousin Junior v. Adrian Adonis

Back to the Cap Center, with Adonis still in his leather clad biker phase but gaining weight rapidly. Junior controls with armdrags, but Adonis backs off and puts Junior down with a cheapshot to take over. Adrian drops a forearm on him while Junior sells like someone doing electroshock therapy. Suplex gets two. He chokes Junior on the ropes, but misses a charge and allows Junior to make a comeback with his one move – a mule kick. So Adrian ties him up in the ropes and chokes him out, and the ref counts five and calls for the DQ at 7:00. Probably one of the worst Adonis matches of all time. -**

Cousin Junior v. Moondog Spot

Back to the Cap Center, as Maryland gets a lot of hillbillies for some reason. Hopefully Spotty can get something out of Lenny Kean but I’m not holding my breath. So it’s STALL STALL STALL to start as Spot runs away from Junior’s histrionics, and back in for more stalling as the crowd completely turns on the match. Geez it’s only been 4 minutes, let it play out and see where it goes! Junior with a mule kick and Spot runs away and they actually have to clip the match at this point. Back with Junior throwing kicks in the corner and a splash gets two. More stalling and Junior slugs him down for two. Spot decides to go after Jim and they stand there jawing at each other FOREVER, and Junior finally rolls him up for the pin after a mule kick at 6:00. He was so bad.

Uncle Elmer & Cousin Junior v. Barry O & Jerry Adams

From Championship Wrestling as we’re really reaching for content to fill this awful tape at this point. Elmer overpowers Barry and backdrops him out of the corner. Over to Junior and he uses his mule kicks on the heels and finishes Adams with a half-assed butt splash at 2:30.

And we finish with Uncle Elmer’s wedding from Saturday Night’s Main Event, but only a few highlights of it.

So yeah, I think this one handily upends Ken Patera for the worst Coliseum Video release I’ve ever seen. Hillbilly Jim, the star of the tape, is basically absent from 90% of it and it’s filled with crappy matches from Uncle Elmer and Cousin Junior instead, and they ALL suck. Just a brutal tape that barely limps over the 70 minute mark because they apparently couldn’t find anything to fill it with.