The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents The Best Of Saturday Night’s Main Event

– We start out with a montage of interviews and funny lines from previous Main Events. Some absolutely hilarious stuff here, mainly from Jesse Ventura. Scheme Gene gets one good shot in, as the announcers are talking about a neck injury received by Bobby Heenan, and Okerlund replies “But then, who cares?” Plus a rather ironic moment with Vince owning up to being from the South, and Ventura checking for a red neck. Of course, we’d never see that bit today…

– First match: Brutus Beefcake v. “Outlaw” Ron Bass.

This is the hair v. hair match that resulted from the beating delivered by Bass that kept Beefcake out of Summerslam ’88 and cost Honky Tonk Man his title. You’d think that for a show aired at midnight they could have a wee bit more mayhem than what we usually got. But such are the dreams of fools like I. Crowd is NOT into this one at all, and it shows. It’s canned heat central during this one, up until Beefcake makes the inevitable comeback and hits the sleeper. 0 for 1. This was aired after Royal Rumble 89, where Ron Bass showed up already bald.

– Second match: The Rockers v. The Brainbusters.

Awesome. Shawn Michaels is god, but then we know that now. Too bad it took most of us so long to realize it, otherwise the Rockers might have had better fortunes than they did during their tenure in the WWF. A minimum of recycled Anderson stuff, with the exception of the spot where he goes for a pump splash and his opponent lifts their knees, and some super work from all involved. No spectacular Sabu-type stuff, just solid tag team stuff. Well, there was one Shawn Michaels tope, but it was near the end. Double-countout deducts 1/2 a star, though. ****1/2, and easy 1 for 2. *This* is why I wanted this tape, and it’s worth the 3 bucks to rent it.

[Note from 1998 Scott: Why the FUCK didn’t I do better blow by blow for
this? AAARGH!]

– Third match: Terry (I refuse to call him by that *other* name)
Taylor v. Tito Santana.

Bobby Heenan is miked for this one. Yep, it’s the Taylor face turn match. Surprisingly entertaining match from two good workers, though. The angle detracts from the match a lot, however, since Taylor spends a good deal of time arguing with his soon-to-be ex-manager. Heenan yells at Taylor, and Santana rolls him up for the pin. After the match, Taylor beats the shit out of Heenan. There’s a definite “beat the shit out of helpless managers” trend that was running through the WWF at this time, and the count for this tape is one so far,
with more to come. 1 for 3.

– Fourth match: Owen “Blue Blazer” Hart v. Ted Dibiase.

Pretty blase match from two super workers. Hey, kids, remember when Owen could throw a dropkick? Seriously, though, this was from 1988 and he’s already degenerating due to a groin injury and bum knee. Dibiase attacks Owen after his moonsault into the ring, beats him up for five minutes, Owen mounts a comeback, tries a cross-body and gets powerslammed (very weakly) for the pin. That’s it. Basically a glorified squash. 1 for 4. It seemed better the first time around, but then I was, like, 14 when I first saw it.

– Fifth match: Randy Savage v. Andre The Giant.

The match sucks, but then it’s Andre so what else is new? And as if the match didn’t suck enough by itself, Jake Roberts comes down to ringside to continue the storyline about how much Andre is *yawn* afraid of snakes, and it’s a very bad double-DQ. Oh, and Bobby Heenan gets beat up …again… bringing the Helpless Manager count to 2. 1 for 5.

– Jim Powers v. Big Bossman.

It’s a squash, with Bossman yelling for Hogan all through the match. 1 for 6.

– Scenes of Bossman attacking Hogan on Brother Love show.

– Hogan interview. I’m sensing a disturbing theme here.

– Brother Love interviews Slick, and who should come down but…Hulk Hogan. He mocks Love and Slick (what a comedian) then beats them up. That brings our total to four helpless manager beatings. Okay, now I’m not an advocate of beating up helpless managers, but if you’re going to cream Brother Love, and god knows we all want to, do it with finesse. Hogan simply handcuffed him to the top rope and clotheslined him over the top rope, then posed. No style. Now, when the Ultimate Warrior beat up the Lovemeister, *there* was style. He dragged him to ringside by his ear, press-slammed him, and splashed him into oblivion. Hogan’s was good, Warrior’s was better. Just an observation.

– Hulk Hogan v. Akeem.

Like we needed to see this. We can all play along at home with this one. Big boot, tries legdrop, Bossman interferes the DQ. 2-on-1, Elizabeth gets handcuffed (bringing our total to five) and Savage makes the save. Paint-by-numbers angle. 1 for 7.

And for the “grand finale” of the tape, we have…

– Hulk Hogan v. Big Bossman (cage match).

Vince MacMahon was playing this up as “one of the most brutal bouts in WWF history.” That big bad Zeus attacks Hogan for the match, giving Bossman, well, no real advantage. I mean, if he was fighting someone who actually *sold*
injuries, then sure, but as it is… This match is of course notable for Hogan’s suplex off the top of the cage, which really wasn’t that impressive when you consider the fact that Bossman was doing all the work. And after the move, a move which most wrestlers simply jump up and keep going after, Hogan and Bossman literally laid “unconscious” for 2 minutes. Finally, after waaaaaaaaaaay too long, Hogan gets smart and steals the cuffs, cuffing Bossman to the ropes and beating up Slick. Brings the count to six. He escapes, wins the match, goes back into the cage, and beats up Slick again. We’ll count this as beating #7 because it’s basically two seperate beatings. It’s a famous match and one of Hogan’s best, and the one that suddenly made everyone say “Wait a sec…” about Big Bossman’s talents, so I’ll make it 2 for 8.

The Bottom Line: Well, it’s 2 for 8, but it’s 2 very famous matches. Rockers-Busters is well worth the rental, trust me. Everything else is the usual crapola from the period where all the excesses of the 80s collided with the new reality of the 90s and went KWANG! as the shit hit the fan.