The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Smack ‘Em Whack ‘Em!

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Smack ‘Em Whack ‘Em

Originally written 03.21.26

Hey, who wants to watch me rank the best matches of every Wrestlemania with Ryan of the North South podcast? YOU KNOW YOU DO. My laptop battery somehow survived for the entire 2.5 hour stream, and it was a lot of fun. Check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1dBzXgoY3s

Onto this tape!

Despite the weirdly generic name, this tape is of course famous for two segments in particular included on here. Yes, I’m of course talking about Yokozuna’s cooking segment!

https://youtu.be/So91qcyEu2c?si=f9MQhYZ1FXHIlO8H

Hosted by Lord Alfred Hayes, with special guests the Bushwhackers. The tape’s gimmick is that they’re renovating a house together for some reason.

Crush v. The Berzerker

Berzerker asks for the test of strength, so Crush takes him down with a belly to belly and then accepts. Berzerker tries to throw boots to get out of it, and Crush dumps him over the top rope. Back in the ring, Crush clotheslines him right back over the top again as Berzerker appears to be going “CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!” to remember the name of his opponent. Berzerker tries throwing punches and that gets him nowhere, so he boots Crush down instead and puts him on the floor with a shoulderblock. Back in, Berzerker with a piledriver for two, but the big furry kneedrop misses and Crush absorbs some big furry boots to the head and makes the comeback. He throws HAWAIIAN PUNCHES and follows with a backbreaker and legdrop for two. Berzerker misses a dropkick and Crush sweeps the leg and finishes with the Kona Crush head vice at 6:15. You’d think with what we know about the dangers of CTE these days, someone would have stepped in and stopped him from squeezing someone’s brain like that. He might have given the guy a brainurism! Just needlessly putting guys in danger. ½*

Back at the house, the Whackers demonstrate the old adage of measure 14 times, and smash once.

Repo Man v. Earthquake

This is an odd combination. Repo can’t take Quake down, and Quake beats on him in the corner and follows with a corner splash. Repo slugs back and hits a clothesline off the middle rope and a legdrop for two. Repo with a neck vice and he chokes away on the mat before going to the top, but he lands in a powerslam and Quake drops the elbow on him and finishes with the butt splash at 4:20. DUD

Back at the house, the Whackers accidentally cut through some wiring and Alfred gets the worst of that. So they pass the video off to Mean Gene since Alfred might be dead or whatever.

Yokozuna meets up with Mean Gene to show his daily food routine, as they have a meal at a teppen-yaki restaurant but the chef takes too long to get to the food and Yokozuna is HANGRY. Gene keeps protesting that they’ve put too much food on the grill, with steak and shrimp for TEN PEOPLE, but Fuji sets the record straight. Just two whole steaks for Yokozuna? That’s an insult! And of course ice cream for dessert.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart chats with Gorilla Monsoon for the next section of the show, as it feels like this tape is assembled from pieces of other tapes.

Intercontinental title, ladder match: Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels

So this was the first prototype of the match in the WWF, filmed in Portland Maine as a proof of concept, and intended for Summerslam 92 when that show was originally scheduled to be in Washington DC. So we have one single ladder by the entrance and Gorilla actually has to explain the rules to the viewers. Shawn slugs away in the corner to start, but Bret puts him down with a clothesline and follows with a backdrop. Bret whips him into the corner and sends him flying with a forearm, but Shawn clips the knee to keep Bret from going for the ladder and puts the boots to him. Shawn with a knee RIGHT TO THE BREAD BASKET and he goes for the ladder for the first time, but Bret cuts him off in the aisle and runs him into the post after letting him do all the work of carrying the ladder. Work smarter, not harder. Back in the ring, Bret drops an elbow on him and goes for the ladder, but Sherri runs interference and Shawn gets it away from him and makes the first climb as the crowd SHRIEKS in terror.

Bret brings him down and makes his own climb, but Shawn hauls him down and puts the boots to him, and then puts Bret in the corner and rams the ladder into his ribs. These spots look so primitive and quaint by comparison to everything that followed. Bret fights back, but Shawn whips him into the corner for a ladder-assisted Bret Hart Bump and makes another climb. And again the crowd is just terrified that he might climb this ladder and climb the title. So Bret sweeps out the ladder and Shawn bumps to the mat off that, and Bret makes his own climb as that poor ladder is already showing signs of CTE. Shawn brings him down and puts the boots to him and they fight over the ladder again, with Shawn setting it up in the corner out of that. But he misses a blind charge and Bret hits him with a clothesline off the middle rope and then catapults him into the ladder, in a simple and safe bump that looks devastating for 1992. Bret with a backbreaker and he makes the climb, but Shawn yanks him down and they slug it out for the double down. Both guys climb the ladder, but it goes down again and they both get necked on the top rope. So Sherri trips up Bret and it’s some SWEET CHIN MUSIC for Bret to set up the teardrop suplex, and obviously he’s done and dusted and we’ll have a new champion. So Shawn climbs the ladder to claim his title, but Bret pops up and dropkicks the ladder over, sending Shawn to the floor with a great bump, and he climbs up and retains the title at 13:43. And the crowd gives it a standing ovation! I think this ladder match gimmick might be worth another try, maybe. Incredible drama for the time, although if you’re into all the bumps and crazy stuff, this didn’t have much of it. ****1/2.

WWF World title: Bret Hart v. Kamala

Bret goes for a takedown and Kamala runs him into the corner to block it, but he misses a charge and Bret goes to work on the arm. Kamala tries to fight out, so Bret stomps his bare foot, but that doesn’t last long as Kamala chops him down and chokes him out to take over. Kamala with the bearhug and a spinkick to put him down before going to the dreaded UGANDAN BOOB CLAW. Bret somehow fights through the pain of having his nurple turned purple and makes a comeback with the Russian legsweep for two. Kamala misses a blind charge and Bret gets a clothesline off the middle rope, for two. Middle rope elbow sets up the Sharpshooter, but Kamala’s crew takes the ref, so Bret rolls up Kamala for the pin at 8:53. And afterwards, Kamala accidentally splashes Wippleman, as Bret fully wins the battle. Not the worst. **

WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Bret Hart

And now the reason for the tape, from a TV taping somewhere in Canada. What the fuck is a “Saskatoon”? Some kind of poison berry? Anyway, your fun fact for the day is that the arena, now called Sasktel Centre, was built in 1988 as Sask Place and was originally intended to be the new home of the St. Louis Blues when they came close to leaving for Canada back in 1983. They fight for the lockup and trade hammerlocks, but Flair hides in the ropes to escape. Bret goes for the arm again, but Ric chops him in the corner and whips him into the corner to take over. Bret with a suplex for two and Ric bails to the floor to think it over. Back in, Bret goes to work on the arm and cranks on that for a while, but Ric tosses him to escape. So Bret comes in with a sunset flip and Flair blocks that, slugging him down to take over as Bret ends up on the floor again. Bret with another sunset flip complete with a yank of the trunks for two, however, and he backdrops Ric out of the corner and chases him to the floor with clotheslines for a Flair Flop. Back in, Flair pokes him in the eye to buy time and whips him into the corner for the Bret Hart Bump before kicking out the knee to take over again. Ric with a kneecrusher and he goes to work on Bret in the corner, but Bret takes him down and switches his focus to the leg now. Bret with a figure-four and Ric has to fight for the ropes, not even needing Perfect’s help in this case. Bret with a backslide for two.

Ric hits him with more chops to put him down again, but Bret gets a sleeper and Ric suplexes out of it. Small package gets two for Flair. Butterfly suplex gets two. Ric with the kneedrop, but he hurts himself in the process in a nice touch. Ric puts him down with a chop for two and makes Bret work for the kickout, but Bret rolls him up for two. Ric takes out the knee again and gets the figure-four in the middle, but can’t finish it off despite Perfect yelling GIVE IT UP, GREASEBALL from ringside. Ric goes back to the knee again and beats on that in the corner and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL. But Bret reverses to a small package for two to counter. So I guess we’re truant today. Bret slugs back out of the corner, but misses a blind charge. Ric goes to the top like a moron and gets slammed off as a result. Bret comes back and backdrops him out of the corner, dropping an elbow for two. Legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and middle rope elbow get two. Snap suplex gets two. Flair tries throwing chops and Bret does the rare pulldown of the straps and fights back, putting Flair on top for a superplex. And Ric isn’t getting up, so Bret puts him in the Sharpshooter and finishes him off at 26:17 to win the WWF title for the first time! Nice touch as well with Perfect trying to run in, but the ref just tells him to get lost and then calls for the bell. And the crowd is absolutely in shock at getting a title change here, proving once and for all that Bret Hart wrestling for the WWF title in Canada with Earl Hebner as referee is obviously an unbeatable combination. It took about 10 minutes for them to find the groove but I still really love the match. Both guys hate the match but I’d like to think I know better than them. ****1/4

Back at the house, the Bushwhackers have managed to bring Alfred back from death via electrocution and now they’re making a bathroom. That also goes badly for Alfred.

Razor Ramon v. Undertaker

Interesting that we never really got this match on a big stage. Razor talks some shit and runs away to start, before slugging away on Taker in the ring. Taker casually swats him away and hits the ropewalk before choking him out on the ropes. Razor clotheslines him to the floor, but tries to pull him back in and gets necked on the top rope as a result, but he goes up and bulldogs Taker to take over. They brawl on the floor and Razor drops elbows in the ring, and then steals the urn from Paul Bearer and knocks Taker out with that behind the ref’s back for good measure. That only gets two. Taker pops up and chokeslams him, and Razor decides to take a walk at 7:28. Well obviously they were still protecting Razor at that point but that was a pretty weak finish to a decent match. **

And back at the house, the Whackers set Lord Alfred up with a TV and tell him to relax and watch some matches, with the punchline being that the house collapses on him to pay the whole thing off.

For me this is one of the all time great Coliseum videos, despite a shaky start, and you can’t argue with the Bret matches.