The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Saturday Night’s Main Event: The Greatest Hits

– I think the concept here is pretty easy to get around, yes?

– Opening match, WWF title, flag match: Hulk Hogan v. Nikolai Volkoff.

Hogan is wearing his rarely-seen white outfit, and that dastardly Russian bastard attacks him before the bell. Hogan quickly comes back with the usual array of punches and cheating to rally. A medium-sized boot sends Volkoff gently crashing to the floor and they “brawl”. Volkoff gets the better of Hulk and goes to work on the back. Volkoff’s Atomic Wedgie of Doom Backbreaker nearly kills poor Hulk. But no! Hulk is alive and well, sadly. Hulk kicks out of a BODYSLAM OF DOOM! and hulks up. You know the rest. Not exactly Flair-Steamboat, but they kept it short and energetic for TV reasons. 1 for 1. Hulk does things to the Russian flag that would nearly start a national incident when Shawn did them to the Canadian flag years later.

– Hulk Hogan & Junkfood Dog v. The Funk Brothers.

ECW fans rejoice, Terry Funk is on this tape. Basically a comedy match to start, as a double-criss-cross with Hulk goes awry and the Funks end up running back and forth across the ring. JYD gets caught in the Texas corner and double-teamed, prompting a great line from Heenan about Dog’s head: “It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest!” Hulk and JYD clear the ring, but that vile Jimmy Hart knocks face mascot Haiti Kid off the apron with the branding iron. Lord, what junk this is. Terry stomps the midget one last time as JYD carries him off. Now THAT’S funny. Hogan somehow gets taken advantage of and nailed with the branding iron. This match is a total mess at this point, as everyone is just kind of running around with no idea of what to do. They fight outside the ring and Terry takes a backdrop from Hulk to the floor. Decent bump. Haiti Kid returns with a wrap around his head. “JYD” chant is dubbed in. It’s pretty hypocritical for the WWF to make fun of WCW for that practice, IMO. Hulk gets the hot tag and hits the legdrop a few seconds later on Terry for the pin. The Funks brutalize the midget after the match. This was a waste of 10 minutes. 1 for 2.

– Intercontinental title match: Randy Savage v. George Steele.

The IC title is on the line here, and so is Elizabeth. Savage has the Technicolor Dreamcoat robe tonight. Jesse rightly points out what a disgusting little pervert Mean Gene is for hitting on Liz. Savage jumps Steele and tries to send Liz back to the dressing room, but Ricky Steamboat stops him. George rams Savage to a couple of turnbuckles and eats one. Savage takes the opportunity to high knee him into the exposed corner and hits the double axehandle. Steele comes back with choking and biting. He eats another turnbuckle and tosses stuffing at Savage, which Savage is nice enough to sell. Brawl outside the ring and Savage smashes Liz’s chair into Steele for the countout win. You’d think two people who had as many matches as these two would learn to have a GOOD one. 1 for 3.

– WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Paul Orndorff.

This is a rather famous match, stemming from perhaps the most famous heel turn of the modern era. Both guys use “Real American” as their music. This was the first steel cage match on network TV, so sayeth Vince McMahon. Orndorff attacks quickly and goes for the door two or three times in the first minute. Hogan goes right into his melodramatic overselling of every little move. Orndorff climbs out, but Hogan grabs him by the hair. Jesse: “Hogan would not be the champion if Mr. Wonderful was bald.” Hogan rams Orndorff into the cage a few times and chokes him out. Some more stuff and Hogan wipes out Orndorff, but Heenan locks the cage door, preventing Hogan from escaping. Double KO spot, and both get up and start climbing out over the top. Both drop down at the same time — Joey Marella declares Hulk the winner, Danny Davis declares Orndorff the winner. Hogan and Orndorff brawl on the floor, and Finkel declares the match a tie, and the match continues. Orndorff goes back to work on Hogan. Hulk up, Heenan comes in and gets rammed to the cage, Hulk escapes and retains. Bleh match. 1 for 4. Hogan beats up poor Bobby some more, and Heenan bumps better than either guy in the match.

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Hercules Hernandez.

How’d this make the cut? Hercules controls and Bigelow does the Goldberg “Oh, gosh, excuse me, I believe you bumped into me” selling job for a bit, then they fight outside the ring for a double countout. And that’s the match in it’s exciting entirety. 1 for 5. Oh, wait, sorry, Bam Bam didn’t come all the way to Seattle for a draw, and if Hercules has any guts the match will continue. They do a shoulderblock challenge and Bammer cartwheels out of the way. Herc takes over, but gets caught coming off the top rope, slammed, and slingshot splashed for the pin. Nope, still 1 for 5.

– IC title match: Honky Tonk Man v. Randy Savage.

Joined in progress. Savage whups HTM’s ass from one side to the other. Honky makes a comeback, but goes after Elizabeth and gets creamed. Savage gets a couple of sure pinfall attempts, but Jimmy Hart pulls him off both times. Savage nails Hart, prompting the Hart Foundation to make the run-in. They carry Hart back to the dressing room and Savage continues killing Honky. Savage misses a blind, charge, however, and Honky takes over. Fistdrop misses, and Savage goes for the kill. Honky manages to toss Savage over the top, and the Harts beat him down. Honky gets a two count off it. Savage blocks the REVERSE NECKBREAKER OF DOOM and hits the flying elbow, but the Harts run in and cause the DQ. Really good match, probably around ***1/2. 2 for 6.

Then, the REALLY important portion begins: The Harts slap Savage around like their bitch, and Honky grabs the guitar for the big shot to the head. Liz runs in and steps in front to prevent the shot, so Honky shoves her down. Ooooooo. Liz runs back to the dressing room and Honky finishes his guitar shot after a few melodramatic stutter-stops. Then, from the dressing room, here comes the Hulkster to make the save for the first time, kicking off 10 years of living in his shadow. “The crowd goes wild” is a pretty understated way to put it. The Megapowers do the first ever Megapower Handshake and history is made.

The Bottom Line: There was a Piper v. Orndorff match advertised on the box, but it wasn’t on there for some reason. There was also a picture of Bret Hart slamming Randy Savage, which is just a vicious and unfair tease of the ****1/2 Savage/Hart match from SNME, but that’s not on there either. What IS on there is a whole lot of Hogan, with really only one good match: Savage v. Honky. Take a pass on this one and get Volume II, which has the Rockers v. the Brainbusters.