The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Rowdy Roddy Piper

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits!

This was a big one hanging over my Coliseum Video redo series that I was gonna have to get to someday, along with Inside the Steel Cage. But tonight, the Hot Rod.

Released in 1986, ironically a little bit before his return and babyface turn.

Hosted by Mean Gene, who admits that he’s not the best of friends with Mr. Piper. He’s already disgusted with the title of the tape.

Piper’s Pit with Andre the Giant. No not that one. This is back in 1984, as Piper isn’t sure that Andre speaks English and asks where Andre comes from. Andre: “None of your business.” So then Piper continues poking the bear, accusing Andre of lying about being slammed by Big John Studd, and Piper says that HE could slam Andre given 5 minutes, at which point Andre smacks him around, rips off the shirt, and walks off the interview. Piper: “You do not throw rocks at a man who has a machine gun!”

Rowdy Roddy Piper & Dr. D v. Andre the Giant & Jimmy Snuka

From MSG in 84 I believe. Andre starts out and Piper graciously lets David start for their team. So Andre takes Schultz to the corner while Piper yells “YOU GOT HIM NOW DAVE!” So David goes over and tags Piper in, at which point Piper tags right back out again like a gentlemen. Dr. D with a headlock on Andre, but Andre sends him into the ropes and uses his ass to knock him down in his classic spot. So David goes back to the corner for some support from Piper, but NOT A TAG, no way, and that motivates David to slug on Andre in the corner and stun him. So now Piper comes in, and Andre promptly destroys him and Piper wisely runs away again. Dr. D goes for it again and Andre beats on him in the corner, but Schultz finally gets a knee to put Andre down and drops an elbow for one. So Andre just upkicks him from his back, but Piper sneaks in with an international object and knocks Andre down with those, busting him open, and the heels go to work on him. They keep switching off and Piper bites the cut and puts the boots to him, and the doctors stop the match and give the Giant medical attention at 7:00, but Snuka wants to continue the match by himself. So Piper comes after him and Snuka runs wild, hitting the heels with chops as the crowd loses their mind and he’s a HOUSE OF FIRE. Piper goes FLYING off a headbutt, but pokes Snuka in the eye to take over on him. Piper with a kneelift for one as Snuka throws him off, and Dr. D beats him down for two. Snuka tries to make his own comeback, but Andre the Giant returns with a giant bloody bandage on his head and he unleashes hell on the heels and hits Dr. D with a big boot so high that he falls over in the process. So he ties up Schultz in the ropes and goes to slingshot Snuka into him, but Piper saves and the heels decide to walk away and fight another day at 12:00. Can’t blame them one bit. However, it turns out that the decision was a DQ win for the heel side because Andre was no longer legal. Terrible refereeing but the match was a MILLION BILLION STARS. Or in more realistic terms, ***3/4

Piper’s Pit with Frankie Williams. Piper: “I’ve never lost a match in Columbus Ohio…have you ever lost a match?” Frankie admits that yes, he has. Piper goes on to note that once you lose a match one time, you’ve lost all your oomph. Piper says Williams is kind of a coward and that’s why he always loses and maybe he should go make pizzas. So Williams stands up to him, but Piper beats the hell out of him and runs him. And then the famous quip: “Just when they think they’ve got all the answers, I change the questions.”

Meanwhile, Piper shows up on the set of the A-Team and annoys Mr. T while he’s chilling in his chair. It’s got his name written on the back so he doesn’t get lost! T accuses Piper of fighting WIMPS, not real fighters. Like Cyndi Lauper, Piper wonders? T isn’t impressed with someone who would punch on a lady, but Piper declares himself to be an “equal opportunitist” and thinks the children of America must be sick to look up to Mr. T.

The WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE: Hulk Hogan v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

I still think it’s weird that the WWE Network put this show up for about a week and then pulled it forever. This was broadcast live on MTV and was one of the biggest circuses in wrestling history, in a good way. Basically a dry run for Wrestlemania. Piper smashes a guitar because he HATES ROCK N ROLL, which they later made into his entire character on the cartoon. That’s another show that only lasted on the Network for a few days before getting pulled forever. But let’s say I had the entire thing archived, would that be something worth a review to you, dear reader? Anyway, the version of the tape I’m watching has Eye of the Tiger removed so I’m guessing it was one of those weird Silver Vision releases or maybe it was ripped from 24/7? Hulk immediately slams Piper and drops the big elbow, but Piper fires right back with a corner clothesline for two. Piper puts the boots to him and chokes him out for two while Gene notes he can see Danny Devito standing on his feet at ringside. How could you tell the difference? Piper with the sleeper and Hulk goes down immediately, but quickly makes the comeback and runs Piper into the corner, only to mistime it and knock himself out. Hah, take that, you gaslighting orange son of a bitch! But then Orton goes to inform the ref about Hogan’s cheating and Hulk grabs his BROKEN ARM and runs it into the corner! What kind of a monster would do that? Thankfully Paul Orndorff joins us at ringside to take over seconding for Piper and keep an eye on Hogan. And Hulk immediately knocks out the ref in a show of cowardice because he’s terrified of Mr. Wonderful and wanted to save his title. Thankfully Piper and Orndorff team up to teach Hogan a lesson in proper sportsmanship, but Mr. T and Cyndi Lauper both come in to defend Hulk. Sure, let a tiny pop star fight your battles, real big hero Hulk is. So Piper beats on Mr. T to teach him to mind his own damn business, but T makes his own comeback and Hulk hides behind him like the coward he is and pretends to be held back by security so Mr. Wonderful can’t humiliate him any further. Anyway, no decision at 5:00 or so, if it matters. ***

Piper’s Pit with special guest…Rowdy Roddy Piper? Yes, Piper is all decked out in a tuxedo, and he was sick of interviewing morons and slack-jawed yokels like Hulk Hogan, so instead he’s interviewing his favorite wrestler of all time: Rowdy Roddy Piper! Question 1: He’s been a championship wrestler and boxer from Scotland. Did he ever think he’d have such great success? Of course! Because he’s Roddy Piper and you’re not. Not so sure about that one. He also wanted to be the Queen of England. Did he have any idols? FRANK ZAPPA. Otherwise no. Special diet? Frog legs. “I want all you dumb kids to go out and eat a bunch of frog legs. BUT DON’T KILL THE FROGS.” Good advice. Fan mail time, from Hulk Hogan’s mother. “Dear Mr. Rowdy Roddy Pieer. Would you please stop beating up my soon. He wakes up in the morning screaming you nam. Would you please leave my son alone because it makes him look bad screaming crying and hanging onto my ankles, given he’s World champion. Sincerely, Mrs. Hulkamanious”. Huge if true. Back to the interview: Any disappointments in his career? His dog got run over as a kid, that was a bummer. Other that that, he’s been marvelous, just the cat’s ass. Also this interviewer is pretty cute as well! How does he deal with crazy women? 12 foot bullrope that he uses like Lash LeRoux to fight them off. First Piper: “It’s doesn’t say Limp Rod, it says Hot Rod!” Other Piper concedes that it’s true. What about a Hollywood career? He’s a real fighter, unlike Clint Eastwood. When he shoots a gun, someone gets pregnant! Also it pisses him off that he’s gotta do all the hard work and everyone coasts off his success. And he wraps up with some romantic advice: Make the bed all nice and lay down your woman, and then pick up the phone and give him a call and he’ll come take care of her! Roddy Piper tries to wrap up the interview, but Roddy Piper doesn’t want to end it and they get into an argument about whose show it really is and then instead put each other over and declare their love for each other to end it. Unbelievably entertaining with amazing split screen technology like something from the distant future of 2001.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene visits Piper and Orndorff and Orton at the gym in the buildup to Wrestlemania, but Piper appears to be going feral while Orndorff is deep in meditation. So later on, Orndorff is trying to lift weights and they tell Okerlund to get lost because it’s a closed workout, but Gene keeps hanging around anyway. So Piper threatens him with a weight belt and then they throw him out the front door and put the boots to some jerk on the street who was walking by.

Meanwhile, on TNT, another banger as Roddy Piper takes Bob Orton for a checkup on his injured arm in the cast, which it turns out was a compound fracture. That’s bad. But the doctor shows a new X-Ray that shows everything is fine in the forearm and there’s no more need for the cast. Piper immediately calls out the shenanigans, revealing the doctor has MADE A MISTAKE and put the wrong X-Ray up, because the lengths of the bones are clearly different and that’s not Orton’s arm. He’s still in tremendous pain! And he saw another doctor this morning who said he’s still unhealed. So the doctor does some tests and Orton winces in intense pain, so bad that he’s in agony before the tool even touches him! Piper is skeptical and makes quacking noises at this obviously incompetent “doctor”, who can’t even get an X-Ray right!

Piper’s Pit with Jimmy Snuka. Back to 1984 with one of the most famous angles of all time, which actually debuted on Wrestling at the Chase weeks before it made it to the nationally syndicated shows. Piper harasses him and offers him various fruit, like bananas and coconuts. Piper notes that he didn’t get him a tree to climb up and down like the monkey he is. Snuka: “Are you making fun of me?” Piper: “No sir.” And then he smashes the coconut on Snuka’s head, taking the set down with him, and beats him with his belt to kick off a molten hot feud all over the country. Piper waiting until Snuka is enraged like a wild animal and then locking himself in the dressing room is very on trend for him.

From TNT, Vince grills Piper about the attack, and Piper notes that Snuka stood there like an idiot taking up his airtime and not saying anything, so he DESERVED it. So Piper gets up and slaps Lord Alfred across the face. Vince: “CHRIST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?” Well that’s a long discussion. Maybe Vince should start by watching this tape.

No DQ: Jimmy Snuka v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

We are in St. Louis, with Lou Thesz as the special referee. Piper attacks in the corner and pokes Snuka in the eye to take control, but Snuka fights back and Piper runs away. Back in the ring, Snuka beats on him with chops, but Piper goes RIGHT TO THE COCONUTS to cut him off and then follows with an atomic drop. Piper with a kneelift for one, but Snuka comes back with more chops and they brawl to the floor, where Piper uses a chair and puts the boots to him. Back in the ring, Snuka chops him down again and Piper retreats to the floor again, but this time Snuka runs him into the table out there. “Turnabout is fair play” notes Mean Gene. But wait, I thought “two wrongs don’t make a right”? Cliches can be so contradictory. Back in the ring, Thesz gets bumped and Snuka hits Piper with a flying bodypress, but Piper steals Lou’s belt and beats on Snuka with that before choking him out. So Thesz gets on Piper to stop him, but Piper goes after Thesz and Lou gives it right back, and Piper has had enough and walks out at 6:55. Probably a good idea, he was never gonna get a fair shake from that biased ref. Another banger for this tape of home runs. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper reads a letter from a fan, who asks that he not beat up Jimmy Snuka anymore because Snuka is his daddy and he doesn’t want to her him crying anymore. So Piper spits on the letter and rips it up.

Piper’s Pit with special guest the Tonga Kid. Turns out Tonga can speak pretty good English, which shocks Piper. So Tonga tells Piper to try and break HIS neck like he did to Snuka, but Piper doesn’t have to impress nobody and walks off.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. The Tonga Kid

Off to the Spectrum for this one, and Snuka is in Tonga’s corner. I’m sure this one must be in the Fish & Chips archive somewhere as the full show. Tonga attacks and Piper pokes him in the eyes and chops him down, and a backbreaker gets two. But then Tonga dances up, so Piper drops him on his head with a back suplex and chokes him out. Hmm, a dancing samoan from the Fatu family? Nah. Piper works him over in the corner and takes him down with a facelock, but Tonga reverses to a suplex and makes the comeback. Piper runs him into the turnbuckle and Tonga no-sells it and dances some more, before they fight to the floor and Piper runs him into the post. Haha, no-sell THAT one! Snuka gets involved and Piper gives him some shots as well, so Snuka runs in for the DQ at 5:20 as it all breaks loose with Bob Orton brawling as well. And as usual, Piper runs away. Hot match but not much to it. **

Rowdy Roddy Piper & Cowboy Bob Orton v. Jimmy Snuka & The Tonga Kid

And we wrap it up in MSG with the logical finale, as Mean Gene has had enough of hosting the tape and declares it’s over after this match. They all brawl and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA right away, as the heels get chased to the corner and the Kid works on Piper’s arm. Orton comes in and Tonga powerslams him for two and Snuka comes in and puts the Cowboy down with a headbutt. Ace crawls for the tag and Piper gives him the short-arm treatment, but Orton forces the tag anyway and Piper has to come in and face Snuka. So they slug it out to some insanely loud heat from the crowd and Snuka cleans house with slams, and Piper is begging for mercy. He tries to run and Snuka hauls him back in, so Piper pokes him in the eye to take over. Orton goes up for a top rope pump splash, but lands on Snuka’s knees and Piper is forced to tag in again against his will. WHY IS HE EVEN PAYING THIS MAN TO GUARD HIS BODY? Luckily they’re able to trap Tonga in the corner so Piper can heroically choke him out with the tag rope, and Orton comes in with an elbow off the middle rope and drops a very deliberate elbow for good measure. So they hammerlock Tona in the corner and take turns dropped elbows on it before Piper goes to a chinlock to slow it down a bit. Tonga comes back with a sunset flip on Orton, who immediately beats him down again and then Piper switches in. Tonga fights him off and goes to the wrong corner for the tag. HAHAHA YOU IDIOT. YOU’RE SO STUPID! So the heels cut him off again, but he manages to find Snuka this time and it’s HOT TAG Snuka, who immediately shoves the ref out of the way and then hurls Orton into the corner and upside down on his head like his name is Nancy. Orton tries a superplex while Piper dumps the Kid over the top rope to get rid of him, but Snuka fights Orton off and hits the flying bodypress for two. Piper makes the save and the heels double-team Snuka and toss him over the top rope, but Tonga fights back again and Snuka sends Orton into Piper and the faces make a comeback as it’s a PIER SIX BRAWL and the match is thrown out at 15:00 of craziness. ****

I will say, if you’re looking for stuff like clean finishes or clean wrestling, this isn’t the tape for you, but if you want 90 minutes of pure distilled Hot Rod in the Rock N Wrestling Era, this is a stone cold classic and one of the best Coliseum Video releases ever.