The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Mega Matches 95

– Hosted by Gorilla and Stan Lane.

– Lex Luger v. IRS.

This is another lazy pull from RAW rather than any kind of Coliseum exclusive like most of the tapes used to be. Luger overpowers him to start and grabs a headlock, but IRS bails and regroups. Back in, Irwin stomps away on him and uses Druidian intereference to send him to the outside. Vince demands “Let’s not have a repeat of Adam Bomb!” and I can’t help but agree, not matter what the context is. Back in, and it’s apparently Lazy Luger Formula time, as the midcard heel gets to beat on him for extended periods of time so that he can make the superman comeback. At least Hogan has offensive flurries to start the match. Backbreaker gets two. IRS hits the chinlock as Shawn Michaels shares his thoughts on integrity on color commentary: “Have you ever taken integrity to the car dealer and driven off with a new Mercedes? I don’t think so.” There you go. Of course, he redeems himself by noting that Luger punches like a girl, so we’ll call it a wash. Luger makes the inevitable comeback with clotheslines and clotheslines, but the Druid distracts him and IRS rolls him up for two. Damn druids. Found one in my kitchen the other day, had to call an exterminator from the 15th century. Anyway, Luger chases the Druid and gets counted out at 6:48, if you care. 0 for 1.

– The Headshrinkers v. Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart.

This is part of the tag title tournament of 1994, which was won by the imposing duo of 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly, and led to several things — Bam Bam Bigelow main eventing Wrestlemania XI, as well as Owen Hart whining his way into winning the tag belts at that same show with Yokozuna. The Headshrinkers are the lamer version 2.0 with Fatu, Sionne (aka Barbarian) and wrestling boots. Shrinkers hold off Anvil and Owen to start and there’s lots of gags involving the Shrinkers trying to acclimate themselves to modern wrestling, until Neidhart pulls down the top rope and Fatu is the face-in-peril. Owen slugs away on Fatu and gets a leg lariat for two. Neidhart chokes away, but Owen’s tilt-a-whirl slam attempt is reversed to a backbreaker. Fatu’s tag attempt is cut off by Anvil, however. Missile dropkick from Owen gets two. Hot tag to Sionne and he presses Owen into Neidhart, then gets the big boot on Anvil with an assist from Lou Albano. Fatu tries to go up, but can’t deal with the boots, and needs to take them off before heading to the top. This allows Owen time to trip him up. Well, what did he expect? Back in the ring, Hart Attack on Fatu follows, but the ref is out to lunch. Owen hits Fatu with his own boot, however, and it’s a DQ at 7:36. Oh, that’s so friggin’ weak. 0 for 2.

– Jeff Jarrett v. The British Bulldog.

BJ James debuts here as the Roadie, although he was only an unnamed “ring attendant” who happened to keep getting on camera during JJ’s entrance at this point. The addition of Brian James was definitely the catalyst for Jarrett’s career taking off, as he was essentially a jobber to the stars loser heel with a basic loudmouth gimmick up until then. Jarrett gets a couple of armdrags and does some strutting as a result, but can’t hiptoss him and thus takes a powder as a result. Bulldog’s strutting leaves a lot to be desired. Back in, Jarrett grabs a headlock, but gets overpowered, as we keep getting “accidental” shots of the Roadie at ringside. They do a nice headlock reversal sequence as Vince clues into what James is actually doing there. Bulldog gets the delayed suplex and Jarrett bails, but catches Bulldog from outside. They head back in and Bulldog keeps up the offense, introducing him to the turnbuckle and going up, but Jarrett counters with a superplex. That gets two, and we hit the chinlock. Jarrett heads up and gets a missile dropkick and we’re clipped to Bulldog’s comeback and a double KO off a collision. Small package gets two for Bulldog. Jarrett grabs a sleeper, but Bulldog powers him into the corner to break. Jarrett turns that into a bulldog, which gets two. Bulldog comes back with a crucifix for two. Perfectplex gets two. Oooooo, busting out the moveset tonight. Shawn gets a cheapshot at Curt Hennig for whatever reason as a result of that, noting that the Perfectplex “never beats anyone.” Bulldog fights out of another chinlock and fights back with an atomic drop, and follows with a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack body drop (in Vince speak) and clothesline. Jarrett takes a walk, so Bulldog presses him back into the ring. However, a mysterious hand holds onto Bulldog’s leg from under the ring, and Bulldog is counted out at 11:51. Hmm, I wonder who could have done that? The match was enough for a point, so I’ll take it. 1 for 3.

– King Kong Bundy v. Duke “Dumpster” Droese.

Duke attacks to start and dropkicks him out of the ring as I struggle to think of a reference to Peter Jackson’s King Kong to make that won’t render this rant hopelessly dated 4 years from now. They fight outside for a bit and head back in, where Bundy hammers away and drops an elbow for two. Another try misses and Droese works on the arm, and a cross body gets two. Bundy takes him down with a clothesline for two and hits the chinlock. We’re mercifully clipped to Duke fighting out of another chinlock and trying to overpower Bundy with shoulderblocks, which works after three tries at it. Duke misses an elbow, but Bundy misses a splash, and Duke makes the comeback with a legdrop for two. Blind charge misses and the Avalanche is enough to send Duke back to the dump at 6:30. 1 for 4.

– Bob Backlund v. Doink.

More recycled RAW matches. Doink sneaks in from behind and takes Mr. Backlund down to start, which has Bob complaining to the ref. You can pretty much pencil this one in as a comedy match. It’s interesting, I think, that although Bob’s crazy old man gimmick made him a monster heel in 1994, if they had done the same thing this year (and Bob had been young enough to still do that kind of gimmick), he probably would have become a cult hero and turned himself babyface. Doink actually takes Backlund down with a bridge for two. Half-nelson gets two, but Backlund grabs a headlock. The mat stuff leads me to believe that it’s Matt Borne playing the role tonight, but the timeframe would place wannabe Ray Licacelli in the role. They do more mat wrestling, as Doink bridges out of a bodylock and backslides Bob for two. He grabs a headlock, but gets clobbered on the ropes, and Backlund goes to work on the arm. He goes for the crossface chicken-wing, but Doink makes the ropes and we’re clipped to Bob working on the arm again. Doink takes him down to escape, but Bob is relentless on the arm. Doink’s makeup is all over Bob’s shoulder, making it look like a wicked nasty bruise. Doink gets a small package for two, but Bob viciously yanks the arm and keeps him on the mat. Bob’s maniacal pounding of the arm is a really interesting type of match that you didn’t see in 1994. Well, except here, obviously. Bob turns it into a hammerlock and takes it into the corner, where he kicks him in the arm until Doink comes out of the corner with a cross body for two. Small package gets two. Backslide gets two. Elbow misses and Bob sees his opening, finishing with the kata hajime at 12:12. OK, I admit it, I’m shocked by the quality of this one. This was like ***1/4 2 for 5.

– Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka v. Lex Luger & British Bulldog.

Big brawl to start and Luger dumps Tatanka, but Bulldog gets headbutted down by Bigelow. I believe this would be the unofficial debut of Bulldog and Luger as the Allied Powers, a supposed super-team so inept that they couldn’t even win the tag titles. The same belts won by 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly shortly after this very match. Luger works on Bammer’s arm, but gets whipped into the corner to break. Bam Bam misses a charge, however, and Lex clotheslines him down, only to fall victim to a cheapshot from Tatanka. Tatanka, the Corporate Indian, hammers away on him and drops an elbow, for two. We’re clipped to a flying chop that gets two, as Tatanka chops him in the corner to follow up. British Bulldog leads the “USA” chants on the apron, blissfully unaware of the irony. Tatanka goes to the bearhug, but Luger finally makes his comeback, until Bam Bam drops a headbutt on him and cuts it off. However, Luger still has one more powerslam in him, and it’s hot tag Bulldog. Powerslam for Tatanka gets two, but Dibiase pulls his guy out of the ring, and the brawl is on. It’s BONZO GONZO on the floor, and the whole thing is a wash at 8:35. Kick and punch fest. However, they just keep fighting, so they restart the match after an ad break, with Luger getting pounded again. Bam Bam suplexes him for two. Tatanka adds some choking on the ropes. Shawn’s constant harping on Luger’s laziness and lack of talent is pretty funny. Bam Bam drops the headbutts on the back and two legdrops get two. We’re clipped again past another break as this must have taken up 18 segments on the RAW it came from. This one just keeps dragging on. Luger FINALLY makes the comeback, hitting them with a double-clothesline, and it’s hot tag #2 for Bulldog. He cleans house with dropkicks and slams Tatanka for two. Luger dumps Bigelow, who climbs onto the apron in time for Bulldog to whip Tatanka into him. That’s enough for the pin at 13:25 total. I could have done without the extra 5 minutes, to be honest. 2 for 6.

– Fatu v. Jeff Jarrett.

This match makes me wonder why TNA hasn’t brought in Rikishi to put JJ over yet, since he’s available and probably needs the money. Commentators for this match are Vince McMahon and Todd Pettingill, which may be the worst combination ever, comprised of one guy who does nothing but tell jokes that aren’t funny, and another guy who does nothing but laugh at stuff that’s not funny. They slug it out to start and Fatu gets a clothesline for two. Fatu gets a backbreaker off a Jarrett charge, but JJ comes back with a bulldog and stomps away. Really, in the grand scheme of things, booking a guy to lose matches because he can’t adjust to wearing boots isn’t the stupidest thing they’ve ever come up with, or the most racist, but it doesn’t help, I’ll put it that way. The New Foundation joins us at ringside as Jarrett gets a dropkick for two and grabs an armbar. This is all about setting up the Teamsters v. Bad Guys Survivor Series match, you see. Jarrett gets a DDT off a missed clothesline, but Fatu no-sells it and superkicks him instead. Powerslam, but Owen Hart is distracting the ref, and thus it gets nothing. Neidhart runs in and hits Jarrett by mistake, giving Fatu the pin at 4:37. 2 for 7.

– Lex Luger & Men on a Mission v. King Kong Bundy, IRS & Tatanka.

Bundy tries an Avalanche on Mabel to start, but gets powered down for two. Mabel follows with an enzuigiri for two, and Mo comes in and works on the legs. A bodyslam attempt goes not so good. So the Corporation goes to work on Mo, as IRS elbows him down and drops another one for two. Mo comes back with a dropkick and a more successful bodyslam for two. We’re clipped to Mo tagging Mabel back in, and Tatanka tries overpowering him, with little success. Mabel splats him down and Luger comes in, so Tatanka runs away and brings IRS back in. The heat machine is PUMPED. They exchange hiptoss attempts and Luger backslides him for two, and a clothesline gets two. Back to Mo, who immediately gets clobbered by IRS and worked over in the heel corner. They’d be better off with Oscar in there. Overto Bundy, who tosses Mo around and drops a knee for two. Another kneedrop gets two. IRS comes in with the abdominal stretch, which prompts a question from me: How DID IRS keep his shirt tucked in while wrestling matches in it? Was it sewn into the pants or something? Tatanka clotheslines Mo, who is pretty much just cannon fodder now, but he collapses while Bundy goes for the Avalanche, and it’s hot tag Luger. He slams Bundy, but Tatanka lays him out with a clothesline, and it’s BONZO GONZO. Tatanka sneaks in with a DDT on Luger, and Bundy gets the pin at 11:19. Gotta blame his useless partners for THAT job. 2 for 8.

– 1-2-3 Kid v. Bam Bam Bigelow.

There may be hope for this tape yet. Kid tries some kicks to start, knocking Bigelow silly on the ropes, but Bam Bam toseses him across the ring ala Spike Dudley. Bammer misses a charge and Kid hits him with a spinkick in the corner, which gets two. Bigelow hammers him down, but the Kid keeps fighting, until Bigelow drops him with a lariat. Kid’s selling is great here. Bigelow misses a blind charge and Kid dropkicks him out of the ring, and then tries a slam, which results in Bam Bam bieling him over the top and to the floor. Remember when Sean Waltman took bumps and cared about his job and stuff? He presses Kid back into the ring, and that gets two. Kid wants more, so Bigelow drops him with a forearm. Kid stops to go after Dibiase, allowing Bigelow to haul him back in and toss him around again, for two. Bigelow grabs a chinlock, which the Kid fights out of, but in a GREAT, subtle spot, Bigelow blocks a spinkick by holding up his forearms (because he’s learning from Kid’s offense) and then levels him with an enzugiri. That’s awesome. Kid wants more, so Bigelow suplexes him. And Kid STILL won’t stay down, so Bigelow puts him in a torture rack. Kid tries to counter out with a suplex, but Bigelow falls on him and goes up…and Kid pops up and powerbombs him off for two. Kid tries to follow with a high cross, but Bigelow casually catches him and powerslams him for the pin at 7:54. This was a fantastic TV match, with a great little v. big story. 3 for 9.

– The Smoking Gunns v. The Heavenly Bodies.

Bodies attack to start, but Bart slingshots Billy into them with a double clothesline, and the Bodies bail. Dr. Tom grabs a headlock on Billy and they criss-cross into a bulldog from Billy, and for some reason he tags in Bart to get two. Jimmy Del Rey comes in and grabs a headlock on Bart, but gets overpowered twice. They fight over a waistlock, but Bart takes him down with a headlock. Over to the Gunns’ corner, as they get the sideslam/legdrop combo for two. Pritchard pulls down the top rope, however, and Bart hits the floor, and he’s YOUR hick-in-peril. Pritchard drops a knee on Bart for two off a double-team, but Bart comes back with a backslide for two. Del Rey hits him with a DDT and we’re clipped past a commercial break, to Pritchard holding a surfboard on Bart. Del Rey comes in, but stops to gyrate and gets rolled up for two as a result. He clotheslines Bart down again to cut off a tag, and the Bodies take Bart back to the corner, where Tom chinlocks him. Bart fights out, but Del Rey cuts off the tag again and gets a neckbreaker for two. OK, I’m officially tired of this match and it’s time for it to end. Bart gets another sunset flip, but Del Rey cuts off the tag again. Even the crowd is bored. FINALLY Bart kicks Pritchard when his head is down, and gets a small package for two. Back to the heel corner again for more double-teaming, as Del Rey spinkicks Bart and Pritchard goes up, but misses a flying kneedrop. Hot tag Billy, who throws his girlie punches, and they double-press slam Pritchard. Del Rey nails Billy from behind, giving Pritchard two, but Billy rolls him up for the pin at 13:09. Way long and kinda dull. 3 for 10.

The Bottom Line: Kid v. Bigelow and Doink v. Backlund prove to be very pleasant surprises here, but the rest is pretty much what you’d expect.