The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Mega Matches

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents WWF Mega Matches!

Originally written 03.14.26

I’ve been told that I was a little harsh on the original Coliseum video rant that I did 25 years ago, so I guess it’s time to take another look at it. And probably Mega Matches ’95 as well since they’re both on the Vault.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOCnD7DvDxE&list=PLfalIYDZtGGCBhXhODKlrzKr7WGtFq1Ew&index=11

Hosted by Sean Mooney, released back in 1991.

Earthquake v. Tito Santana

This is a Coliseum exclusive, as introduced by a very wet Tito before the match. Tito tries for a wristlock and Quake just shoves him off casually. Tito tries for a takedown but can’t get his arms around, so he slugs away in the corner instead and goes to work on the arm. For some reason Tito thinks that hitting this giant sumo guy with shoulderblocks is an effective tactic, and that results in him getting slammed. But then Quake misses an elbow and Tito goes after the arm again until Quake slams him into the corner to break free. Quake with an atomic drop and he goes to a bearhug. Tito fights out and makes the comeback, but the flying forearm gets NOTHING, not even a one count. And then Quake swats him down like a gnat to block another one, hits the powerslam, and he’s about to put Tito away with the butt splash when Tugboat runs in for the DQ at 7:50. This also brings out Dino Bravo for a brawl reminiscent of some kind of Showdown leading up to a Survivor Series. But it wasn’t. And we finish with Jim Duggan chasing off the heels with his board. Dull match, shitty finish. *

Big Bossman v. Bobby Heenan

Another Coliseum exclusive from a Challenge taping in 1990. We get a promo from Bossman before this match and he’s also very wet and sweaty for some reason. Were these intended for the Hottest Matches tape and they just put them on the wrong one? Bobby apologizes profusely in the ring and promises that he spoke to Bossman’s mother and everything is settled between them, so there’s no longer any need for them to have this match. Bobby points out that he can’t fight or outwrestle Bossman, and he made a huge mistake in saying those inappropriate things about Mrs. Bossman, and now she wants to talk to her son. So all Bossman needs to do is to go behind the van outside the hallway in the back, where the phone is off the hook and waiting for him to hear from her. Well that sounds 100% legit. Amazingly, this offer doesn’t entice him, and Bossman knocks him out and pins him with a boot to the throat. This brings out Mr. Perfect for the attack, probably after hiding in a van outside the hallway in the back, and Bossman chases him off.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Sarge attacks at the bell and puts the boots to Duggan, but Duggan clotheslines him out of the ring. Duggan slugs away back in the ring and Sarge bumps into the corner, but Adnan hits Duggan with the flag and Slaughter takes over and works the back. Sarge with a backbreaker for two. Hacksaw comes back and backdrops him out of the corner, but Adnan trips him up again and Duggan chases him to the back for the countout at 3:00. Incredibly lame. Apparently this was a “measure of revenge” for Duggan after taking a stupid countout loss, because he pretended to wipe his ass with the Iraq flag. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! DUD

Bret Hart v. The Barbarian

Same match we’ve had featured a million times, from MSG in November 1990. In fact this was also featured on the 2^nd Annual Battle of the WWF Superstars tape a couple of years later for some reason. The ref holds up Bret’s half of the tag team titles here as if it was on the line. It’s not. Barbarian pounds on Bret with forearms and chokes him out in the corner, but he misses the elbow off the middle rope and Bret makes a comeback. Bret with a legsweep and his own middle rope elbow for two. Clothesline for two, which the ref counts as three and they just ignore him and continue on. Barbarian with a powerslam for two. Bret tries a piledriver and then turns it into a sunset flip, but Barbarian blocks it and sits down. But then he makes the mistake of posing, and Bret hooks the arms and pins him at 4:04. Nothing to this one. *1/2

The Bushwhackers v. Greg Valentine & Honky Tonk Man

The heels attack to start and get chased out of the ring as a result, but Valentine catches Luke with a shot to the back and Honky drops elbows to take over. Hammer chops him down and drops the forearm on him, and Honky whips him into the corner and goes to a chinlock. Man whoever said I was hard on this show and told me that it deserves a rewatch is OFF MY CHRISTMAS CARD LIST. Hammer drops elbows and Butch makes the save, so the heels toss him and go to work on Luke a bit more. So Butch grabs the guitar, shoves the ref away, and chases the heels out for the DQ at 4:00. DUD

Hulk Hogan v. Dino Bravo

Sean calls Bravo “Earthquake’s sidekick”, which still feels like giving him too much credit. For you kids out there, Bravo was like the Wheeler Yuta of his time, and he definitely did not have rizz or skibidi. I hear ICE agents chant “Fuck Dino Bravo” when they’re at wrestling shows. Finkel announces that “SOMEONE WILL BE IN HOGAN’S CORNER!” and then it turns out to be Big Bossman, the guy who’s been in Hogan’s corner for months. That’s some hot breaking news there. RED SIREN EMOJI. Big stall to start as Sean notes “There’s been no action thus far” and I’m gonna need him to be more specific because that mostly applies to the entire tape to this point. Bravo charges and that looks like when you would make your big LJN WWF figures pretend to run and they can’t actually bend their knees. And then Hogan backdrops him anyway. Bravo works the arm and then chokes out Hulk on the ropes while Quake helps, and then punches Hulk in the throat while Hulk helpfully points to his throat to indicate his breathing distress. Bravo with the bearhug, perhaps trying to execute a Heimlich maneuver on Hulk and help him relieve whatever obstruction is in his airway. I can tell you for a fact that this is the way we do the Heimlich in Canada, although we call it a MacDonald Maneuver after the late Sir John A MacDonald, founder of Canadian McDonald’s restaurants. Hulk eventually escapes the move, how it happens doesn’t matter, and drops the leg for the pin at 9:13. And then the babyfaces double-team Earthquake 2-on-1 like a couple of cowardly bullies and pretend they won something. DUD

Hillbilly Jim takes us on a tour of Mudlick, KY, via a lost tape that he found in the smokehouse while trying to find a ham for supper. This appears to be an unaired vignette from 1986, with Jim singing to his granny and then practicing bearhugs on a spare tire. Also he tries to put a rear naked choke on the dog, as one does. Come on, we’ve all done it. Don’t be weird about it.

British Bulldog v. Haku

MATCH JOINED IN PROGRESS. This was Davey’s return to MSG in October of 1990. Davey with a sleeper and he takes Haku down and works the arm, bending his arm with a wristlock and then stomping it. Haku blocks a monkey flip with an atomic drop to take over, and headbutts Davey into the corner before putting the metaphorical boots to him. Davey comes back with a bodypress for two and crucifix for two. Haku with a vicious piledriver for two and a knee to the gut gets two. Davey bails to the floor to recover, but comes back in and takes a mammoth backdrop for two. Haku does a hair-assisted camel clutch to be a dick and beats Davey down with chops as well. Haku with the sleeper and Smith runs him into the corner to break, but Haku whips him into the corner and Davey takes a flipping bump off that, which gets two. Davey bails again and Bobby gets a quick cheapshot out there. Back in the ring, Davey hits a back suplex, as Haku nearly folds over, and Davey gets two off that. Collision for a double down and that gets two for the Bulldog. Davey actually takes him over with a Sharpshooter, but Haku quickly makes the ropes and catches Davey with a kick to put him down again. Haku with a pair of headbutts and he chops Davey down, and then this a shoulderbreaker for two. Haku misses a dropkick and Davey fires up, returning the giant backdrop from earlier. Delayed suplex gets two. Haku misses a charge, and Davey debuts the running powerslam and puts him away at 17:35 aired, to a HUGE pop. Home run debut for Davey, as he quickly became a solid midcard player and replacement for Rick Rude in that utility slot, and big draw for Europe. Easily the best match of the night, as they knew and trusted each other and just went out and bumped for each other. That being said, Davey quickly shifted to a more generic power style, but this was a really interesting first match back. ***3/4.

Macho King Randy Savage v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Back to October 1989 in MSG for this one, and the crown is on the line! So weird to see the Macho King still using the short trunks at this point. Duggan kicks his ass to start and chases him out of the ring, and then back in for an atomic drop, but Sherri pulls down the ropes and Duggan bumps to the floor. Can I just say how awesome the white trunks and boots combo looks on Savage? This man is my hero. He should be yours as well. Sherri with a high kick on Duggan on the floor, and weirdly we cut to black for a few seconds before returning to the match. I thought maybe it was because the match was aired on PTW and they were using that version and needed to edit out the commercial break. But it apparently didn’t air on that show. So I dunno. Savage beats on Duggan outside and drops the axehandle on him as the match just has some crazy heat here. Back in, Macho gets two and then necks Duggan on the top rope for two. Duggan makes a comeback, so Macho drops another axehandle on him for two, knocking his wonky eye back into place again as a bonus. Macho chokes him down for two and Sherri is just a one woman heat machine at ringside, and Macho misses a blind charge and lands on his head. Duggan fights back while Gorilla makes unfounded accusations of Sherri cheating, and Macho goes up and gets punched on the way down. Macho goes to the eyes, but Duggan backdrops him to the floor for the bump of the tape so far. And then Duggan tosses him into the front row as they brawl around ringside. Back in, Duggan drops a knee on him while Sherri takes the ref, and that only gets two as a result. I mean, it was just a kneedrop, even a two count is impressive if we’re being honest. Duggan punches him for two, and Macho gets his foot on the ropes all by himself to escape. Duggan goes to scream at Sherri for no reason, but Savage runs him into the corner and puts him down with a clothesline. This sets up the big elbow, but it misses and Duggan comes back for real. Duggan with the clotheslines and he hits the three point stance to finish it off, but Macho is playing 5D chess and falls onto the floor. So Duggan stupidly chases and Sherri gives him a piece of her mind, dropping her purse in the ring accidentally because she’s so scared by madman Duggan threatening her. So the ref is bumped, as apparently Danny Davis lost all ability to survive light collisions once he retired as a wrestler, and Sherri gives her purse to Macho so he can find her chapstick. But whoops, butterfingers, he trips and accidentally hits Duggan in the face with it, and then falls on top for two. TO BE FAIR, that was a really slow two count due to the referee suffering brain damage, and it should have been a pin. So Savage does what’s right and pins him again, putting his feet on the ropes this time and getting help from Sherri as well for the pin at 16:50 to retain his crown. HE WAS OWED THAT ONE. Like Spider-Man said, everybody gets one. Goddamit this match ruled, Savage is so good he’s got me giving out stars for HACKSAW DUGGAN like I’m Meltzer at the Tokyo Dome. ****

Cage match: Ultimate Warrior v. Macho King Randy Savage

This is the main event of the MSG show that Vince was promoting on that last 1991 Superstars I just reviewed! Warrior is notably perturbed about losing his WWF title at the Royal Rumble, and smashes Savage into the cage on the floor, and then hauls him in and puts him down with an atomic drop. Warrior puts him down with clotheslines and puts the boots to him while Macho lures him into a false sense of security by begging for mercy and pretending to be in tremendous pain. But then, just as I suspected, he suddenly runs Warrior into the cage to slow him down and rakes the eyes. Macho tries to run him into the cage and Warrior fights him off, so Savage runs him into it on the second try. Macho chokes him out on the ropes and goes up for the flying elbow, but it only gets two and Warrior makes the comeback. Warrior with the clotheslines, but the big splash hits knees and it’s a double down. So Macho is up first and makes the climb, getting down to the apron before Warrior grabs his hair through the cage and pulls him up to the top again. This brings Sherri in to help her man, and so Warrior lets go of Savage to go after her, and Savage falls to the floor at 10:43. Can’t blame anyone but himself for that one. Well I mean you can kinda blame Sherri I guess. I wouldn’t. ***. Warrior goes crazy and beats up Savage, multiple referees, and the Nasty Boys before they finally subdue him by giving him a new merchandising contract to sign. And then Sherri returns, with a new dress, and attacks Warrior again, but he gives her a press slam and you’ve never seen someone taking a better one.

OK that last hour of the tape ruled, you win. I was too hard on it originally.