The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Invasion of the Bodyslammers

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Invasion of the Bodyslammers

Just trolling through the Network for content and here’s yet another one that I never did either in the original Coliseum Video rants or the redone versions!

Your hosts are Lord Alfred Hayes & Reverend Slick, so that would place this around 1993. They’re in a bowling alley, so today’s running gag is Slick teaching Kamala how to bowl. First lesson: BOWLING SHOES.

Speaking of bowling shoe matches…

Earthquake v. Yokozuna

Yoko’s somewhat thin frame and white gear would place this early in his run at the end of 1992. We’ve got JR, Bobby and Macho Man on commentary and Bobby is immediately pretty funny here, claiming that he retired from managing because he wasn’t able to rip off his guys for enough money before quickly correcting himself. JR notes that Earthquake looks “somewhat demure” next to Yokozuna. Also very mindful. I have to live with two TikTok-addicted women in my house so now you can suffer too. They run into each other to start and get nowhere with that, but Yoko puts him down and drops the HULKBUSTER legdrop on him. Quake fights up again, so Yoko hits him with the corner splash and then finishes with the butt splash at 3:41 to complete the obliteration. Quake literally got zero offense here. DUD

The Beverly Brothers v. The Nasty Boys

Beau slugs away on Sags to start while Bobby does a whole Vaudeville routine about which Beverly Brother is which (“You see, the fellow in blue with the bowtie is the referee, so forget him…”). Blake loses a slugfest to Knobs, which sets up the Pitstop, but the Beverlies get a cheapshot on Knobs and double-team him in the corner. We get the kicks and punches and Blake goes up, but misses a splash. Beau cuts off the tag and we get more kickings and punchings but Knobs fights them off and makes the hot tag to Sags. Sags with slams to really up the technical wrestling quotient before going back to kicking and punching. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and the ref gets bumped for the double DQ at 6:47. God awful. DUD

Back at the bowling alley, Slick is still working on getting shoes onto Kamala.

Razor Ramon v. The Undertaker

Razor retreats to the floor to talk some shit and then attacks Taker on the way in, which of course gets him nowhere. Taker with the ropewalk, but Razor hits him with a big boot and clotheslines him to the floor. Taker necks him from the floor and Ramon goes flying across the ring on the bump, but drops Taker on the top rope to cut him off. To the floor and Razor runs him into the post, and back in for a sideslam before dropping elbows on him. But then Razor grabs the urn and Taker gets all riled up, so Razor nails him with the urn for two. Taker of course does the situp and quickly chokeslams Razor, at which point Ramon has had enough of this shit and walks out at 4:37. This was mostly OK-ish for what it was, given you weren’t gonna get a finish between these two in late 1992. *

Typhoon v. Bam Bam Bigelow

Bobby: “I never liked to wrestle big men.” Randy: “Everyone was bigger than you!” Bobby: “I know. That’s why I never liked to wrestle!” Bigelow tries a bodypress and Typhoon catches him with a slam, which sends Bammer to the floor to regroup. Back in the ring, Bam Bam gets a cheapshot, but misses a blind charge and Typhoon slams him again. So Bigelow runs him into the corner to take over and goes to a facelock. Typhoon fights out after a while and manages to slam out of a chinlock, then makes the comeback with a corner splash. But then he stops short of doing the big splash for some reason, probably because they mistimed the finish, and he instead tries another corner splash, misses, and Bigelow finishes with the diving headbutt at 7:26. Best match of the show so far by a mile. **1/4

Back at the alley, Slick throws a strike, but Kamala is in love with his bowling ball and doesn’t want to throw it away.

Meanwhile, the REPO CAM finds Repo Man hooking up an RV, and he blackmails a passer-by into filming him for the day. Apparently the guy is behind on payments for the camcorder and Repo is gonna take it if he doesn’t comply. So first up, Repo carjacks Fonzie’s new Cadillac! No wonder he became a crooked referee. Next up, he stops by some guy’s house and repossesses a little kid’s bike, riding away with it while cackling maniacally. Finally, he goes into a video store and accuses the owner of not making payments for a WHOLE WEEK, which means the entire store now belongs to him. So he makes the clerk play “The Repo Man’s Greatest Hits”, and we get a replay of his introductory vignette where he steals a car because the guy was a day late on his payment. Barry Darsow was 100% committed to the bit and this was all hilarious.

Intertcontinental title: Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels

OK, now we’ve got something to work with. Obviously we’re between WM8 and Summerslam 92. Bobby: “Does Sherri have a cold? I think her chest is swollen.” They trade hammerlocks to start and Bret sends him to the floor off that. Back in, Bret beats on the arm, but Shawn slugs him in the corner, so Bret clotheslines him off a leapfrog and gets two. Savage patiently playing straight man for Bobby’s nonsense and trying to feed him setup lines is pretty funny. Bret misses a charge and takes his corner bump, allowing Shawn to take over via Sherri’s assistance. Shawn works the arm with a wristlock and some use of the hair, but Bret fights back and Shawn bumps around the ring. Atomic drop and clothesline to the back gets two. Backbreaker and middle rope elbow gets two. Bret argues with the ref and Shawn attacks, so Bret gets a sleeper and they tumble to the floor and slug it out. Sherri distracts Bret, however, and Shawn runs Bret into the railing for the Pillman bump and Shawn wins by countout at 8:41. This had tons of heat and they were working hard. ***1/4. Afterwards, Shawn slugs the referee in frustration at not getting the title, so Bret kicks his ass and sends him running back to the dressing room.

Back at the alley, Slick throws another strike, but Kamala is still not paying attention due to his fixation on the bowling ball.

Kamala v. Doink the Clown

Doink, still very evil at this point, offers Kamala a present as a peace offering and then hits him in the throat and takes him down for an armbar. Kamala fights up, so Doink uses a slick double-leg takedown and goes to a top wristlock. Man early Doink was a neat character. Kamala catches him with a kick and comes back with chops, sending Doink flying to the floor, where he offers the present again. This time Kamala opens it, but spends so long unwrapping it that he gets counted out at 3:24. And of course, what was in the box? Nothing. Talk about a metaphor for wrestling. DUD

Papa Shango v. The Undertaker

They choke each other out and Taker does the ropewalk to escape that predicament, then slams Shango and misses an elbow. Shango clotheslines him to the floor, but Taker necks him, so Shango pulls out the EXPLODING VOODOO STICK and shoots fireworks in his face. Well that was unexpected, I’ll give them that. Of course the referee is literally so blind and deaf that he doesn’t see LITERAL FIREWORKS going off in the ring, but Shango hits Taker with a chair for good measure as well. Back in the ring, Shango pounds away and slams him, but Taker sits up repeatedly. Shango drops elbows on him, but Taker sits up one more time and makes the comeback with the flying clothesline. Chokeslam finishes at 7:08. This was the same basic match as the Ramon one earlier in the tape, but had two distinct advantages: A clean finish, and pyrotechnics. So I enjoyed it! **

Back at the alley, Slick tries to motivate Kamala into throwing the ball at the pins, but he runs up the lane and tries to kick them over instead.

Battle Royale:

This is from one of the Manhattan Center RAWs, with 16 guys. Can’t remember if it was on TV or a dark match or what. Usual cast of characters for the time, and everyone slugs it out on the ropes and does the usual lazy stuff. Shawn backdrops Koko B. Ware out for the first elimination while Bobby clarifies that Tatanka can lose the match but still be undefeated. So I bet he wins the match just to be on the safe side. More nothing going on as they lay on the ropes doing nothing. Typhoon backdrops Skinner out, and then Damien Demento gets thrown out on top of him. What a jobber. Berzerker tosses Owen out, and really this should be Berzerker’s match to lose. And then Backlund sends him over the top just as I type that. Typhoon and Kimchee manage to double-team Kamala and put him out, but Kimchee talks too much shit and Kamala goes in and throws him out to get revenge. So they fight into the crowd and Kimchee runs away to escape. So they do a bit with Kimchee running around the arena while Kamala chases and Slick tries to talk him down. Typhoon charges Shawn and gets backdropped out of the match, and we’re suddenly left with Shawn, Razor, Tatanka and Tito. So we’re paired off with Clique Members v. Racial Stereotypes, as Shawn slugs away on Tatanka and Razor puts the boots to Tito. Tito hits Razor with the flying forearm, and the babyfaces double-team Shawn as he takes crazy bumps out of the corner for them. And they literally kick him out of the ring, so Razor attacks from behind and he also gets double-teamed. But then Giant Gonzalez decides to walk into the match very late and smashes all three guys, throwing out Tatanka and Tito and leaving Razor as the winner at 12:25 because he didn’t go over the top, I guess? That was a pretty dumb finish.

Repo Man v. Tatanka

Is Repo gonna take Tatanka’s land back? They could have a hell of a feud there. Tatanka with dropkicks to chase Repo to the apron and then works the arm in the ring. Tatanka with chops in the corner, but he misses a crossbody and Repo puts the boots to him to take over. Tatanka with the comeback, chop chop chop chop chop BIG CHOP flying chop for two. Repo tries a punch and misses and the Papoose to Go finishes at 7:44. * Really they should have put aside their minor differences and teamed up as CHOP SHOP.

Ric Flair v. Mr. Perfect

I didn’t even know they had another match before the Flair retirement one. Also the graphic lists this as “Mr. Perfect v. Rick Flair”, so maybe it’s a different guy. Flair talks shit and Perfect smacks him around and mocks Flair’s selling, and then takes Flair down with a drop toehold and slaps Ric AGAIN. So Flair hits him with the chops in the corner, but Perfect dropkicks him and clotheslines him to the floor. Back in the ring, Ric goes to the eyes and Perfect takes a crazy bump out of the corner, allowing Flair to drop the kne for two and take over. Flair slugs away in the corner as Bobby protests that Flair lost the title to Bret in Saskatoon, and thus it shouldn’t count. Flair goes up and Perfect slams him off for two. Perfect misses an elbow and Flair gets the kneecrusher and it’s time for the figure-four as he immediately grabs the ropes for leverage. Perfect powers out of that, however, and reverses the move, so Flair bails to the apron to escape. Perfect is still selling the knee, so Flair goes after it and chops him in the corner. Perfect fights back with his own chops and slugs Flair down while still hopping on one leg. Backdrop out of the corner and we get the Flair Flip to the floor, and Perfect stalks him out there and hits him with an Axe Attack on the floor. Back in, Flair puts his head down and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 10:50 as Hennig gets a clean win on a Coliseum Video match?! HOT DAMN THIS RULED. ***3/4

And we wrap it up with Kamala bowling a strike, paying off Slick’s faith in him.

Well, the going was rough to get there sometimes, but we ended up with a GREAT Perfect v. Flair match, a good Shawn v. Bret match, Repo Man stealing cars, Papa Shango shooting fireworks out of his roody poot stick, and a feel good bowling alley ending. So this is a thumbs up. See, I really don’t ask for much out of these.