The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Invasion 92

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Invasion 92

Lord save me from this Co-Pilot shit that’s in Microsoft Office now. Why can’t the rich corrupt old white men ban THAT nonsense instead of the BingBongs of the world?

Another cool upload on the Vault. Hopefully I can keep up.

Your host is Commander Sean Mooney on the Starship Titan, where presumably the Captain sleeps with green alien chicks and then poops on them.

Hulk Hogan v. Typhoon

This one is a fan request, finally paying off the Hulk-Tugboat split that we never got and was never even teased. Yeah. We’re in Corpus Christi TX according to the commentary, somewhere in late 1991. They fight for the lockup like fans were fighting over the last bowl of spaghetti on Pastamania’s opening night, and Hulk sends him into the corner to win that battle. Hulk slugs away in the corner, as always first one to use a closed fist, and Alfred notes “For a big fellow he’s not a very ponderous wrestler, is he?” about Typhoon. Yeah well that illusion would be shattered in about a year or so. Hulk goes after Jimmy Hart and that allows the high-flying Typhoon to go after Hulk and choke him out on the ropes with incredible dexterity and then to the bearhug. Jimmy tells Typhoon to shake Hulk around, but Hayes dismissively notes that Jimmy doesn’t know anything about wrestling and that would be a stupid move. So Typhoon releases the hold and hits the corner splash for one, at which point Hulk makes the comeback and finishes with the legdrop at 6:00. Well that was an anticlimactic ending to the feud that never happened. *. To think this could have been a Wrestlemania main event according to Bruce Pritchard! Hulk basically had this one in auto-pilot before he even got to the ring.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, Commander Mooney gets an incoming transmission from WWF champion Ric Flair, who has now gone intergalactic, and we get clips of the Rumble where he won it. Oddly, when Sid throws Hulk out, the cheering crowd losing their mind in the background doesn’t match the booing crowd on the soundtrack that is all chanting for Hogan. Weird, wonder why that is?

Intercontinental title: Bret Hart v. Ric Flair

Ric appears to still be using the standard Big Gold Belt, and we’re sometime in November of 1991 at a Superstars taping. Bret grabs a headlock and takes him down to control for two while Sean notes that there are only THREE recognized titles in the WWF and Ric’s belt isn’t one of them. Man, those were the days. Ric powers out of that and Bret takes him down with a drop toehold and goes for the Sharpshooter, but Ric escapes. The announcers discuss what would happen if Ric Flair ever met Hulk Hogan in the ring, although I don’t think that would ever happen. They fight over a wristlock and Flair does a Flair Flop off that, but then takes over with chops in the corner. Bret comes back with clotheslines and slugs away in the corner, but Ric hits him with an atomic drop and drops a knee on him for two. Bret takes the Bret Hart Bump in the corner and that gets two, as Ric keeps using the ropes, and then he tries a sleeper and Bret reverses out of that. But Ric hits him with a kneecrusher and it’s figure-four time as he grabs the ropes again and does a whole routine with the ref where Perfect pretends he was the one making the ropes shake. That’s right out of Tommy Young’s standard “blind ref” playbook. Finally Bret escapes, so Ric beats on him with more chops in the corner until Bret PULLS DOWN THE STRAPS and makes the comeback. Ric with the Flair Flip and he hits the floor, as they brawl out there and I’m thinking they’ll do a double countout, but Bret attacks him back in the ring and hits the backbreaker, with Flair flopping like a fish to sell it. Bret with the Sharpshooter, but Perfect pulls Ric to the ropes to break. So Bret hits him with another backbreaker and goes back to the move, and Perfect interferes AGAIN, so Bret gets all distracted and Ric tosses him. Bret comes in with a rollup for two off that and they do the pinfall reversal sequence, with Bret ending in the backslide for two. They get crossed signals on a double down setup and end up awkwardly fighting to the floor, where Perfect takes out Bret and allows Ric to beat the count at 19:22. Man they were having a HELL of a match before it kind of fell apart for the weak ending. That was on track to be the best of their matches. ***3/4. Interesting that Flair seemed more open to working Bret’s match here rather than just calling his standard broomstick formula match.

Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels

Hey, here’s a random dream match for the time. Again we’re in late 1991 before Flair won the WWF title, and we’re doing the gag with the video distortion of the modified tag team title belt, which places it into December now. I’m assuming this was like Shawn’s final interview before getting the job as a singles star. They trade headlocks and Shawn takes control with that, but Ric hits him with chops until Shawn does a flying sunset flip out of the corner for two. Ric tries more chops, but Shawn bitchslaps him in response and Ric bails to the floor to think it over. Back in the ring, Ric tries the chops again, but Shawn fires back with his own and slugs Flair down. So Ric begs for mercy and pokes him in the eye. So Shawn fights back and backdrops him out of the corner and then it’s a Flair Flip to the floor, before Shawn follows with a suplex. Interesting that Ric is working a totally different match with Shawn than he did with Bret, basically doing the broomstick formula here without the press slams. Shawn with a sunset flip into the ring, but Ric blocks that, so Shawn dropkicks him and then falls victim to Mr. Perfect. They slug it out and Shawn misses a blind charge, but Flair goes up and gets slammed off. Shawn with a superkick and he goes up with a flying fist, which gets two. Shawn’s got a nice superkick, he should do it more often. They head to the floor and Shawn tries a pescado and misses, landing on the railing, and that brings Marty out to tend to Shawn and keep Perfect away. But then Marty puts Shawn into the ring and Ric just pins him with his feet on the ropes at 10:24. Well that was useless! No wonder Shawn put his worthless ass through the window a month later. ***. They were having a good Flair match but the ending was terrible. I can see how Flair wouldn’t trust tag wrestler Shawn Michaels to do much with him out there and probably just told him to be “generic territorial babyface challenging for the title in 1984” or whatever and Shawn was just happy to be there. I was GONNA lament how they never got a chance to have another match, because apparently I legitimately forgot about a much more notable rematch they had some years later.

WWF tag team title: The Legion of Doom v. The Beverly Brothers

Blake gets into a shoving match with Animal and takes a bump to the floor off that. So Blake tries for the lockup and gets tossed back into the corner. Over to Beau and he gets double-teamed in the LOD corner and bails for some advice from the Genius. That advice? “If you want to make some extra money, just go to WCW under masks and no one will ever know.” Back in the ring, Hawk with a neckbreaker and a press slam, but he misses a blind charge and hits the post. The Bevs go to work but Hawk collides with Beau right away for a double down. Hot tag Animal and he runs wild with a belly to belly for two and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Blake misses a diving headbutt, however, and the Doomsday Device finishes at 8:56. LOD seemed like they were sleepwalking through this one, but it was a perfectly cromulent tag match thanks to the Beverlies working fairly hard. **

Ted Dibiase v. Tito Santana

This is the Manager-Cam, which means that Sherri is mic’d. Once again, I’m reminded how ill-fitting Dibiase and Sherri were as a combo. So we have no commentary for the match, just Sherri yelling about “Teddy Bear” beating up “Taco Bell”. “Hey ref, where did you get your license? Why don’t you try something besides being AN IDIOT?” That’s pretty hurtful, not gonna lie. Dibiase keeps hiding in the ropes and bails to the floor, which prompts a fight out there. Back in the ring, Tito gets an atomic drop and Ted bumps over the top, so Tito runs them together to thankfully shut Sherri up for a minute. Back in the ring, Tito slugs away, but Sherri trips him up and Ted takes over. Sherri chokes Tito on the ropes and slugs away, but Tito fights back and clotheslines him down while Sherri screams “Teddy Bear” over and over. Flying forearm gets two as Ted is in the ropes thanks to Sherri. So Tito goes to threaten her, and they fight on the floor for a double countout at 8:16. Jesus, the match was pretty OK but Sherri was EAR-SPLITTINGLY awful and annoying. *1/2

The Nasty Boys stop by a local video store and destroy the shelves full of videos that don’t feature them, while a local idiot stooges out the manager for not bringing any Nasty Boys tapes. I mean, if the store was bringing in tons of “Nasty Boy” tapes then there would be some awkward followup questions, I would assume.

Hercules v. Big Bossman

Herc overpowers the Boss to start, but he comes back with slams and slugs away on him. Herc tries to put Bossman over the top and they get crossed up and redo the spot on the other side of the ring, with Herc getting backdropped instead and colliding with Slick. Back in the ring, Bossman with the running choke, but he crotches himself on a second try and Herc does his usual clotheslines to take over. Bossman comes back with a big boot and splash and then finishes with the Bossman slam at 7:24. Neither guy seemed super interested out there. ½*

Million Dollar title: Virgil v. Ted Dibiase

Randy Savage is the special guest referee, just before getting brought back into the ring. Virgil with a sunset flip for two and he chases Dibiase to the floor with some slams. Back in the ring, Dibiase hits him with a boot to block a blind charge and tosses him to the floor for a trip to the stairs, and puts the boots to him in the ring to take over. Gut wrench gets two, but he picks Virgil up and snarks at Macho, who BY THE WAY is managing to referee the match while wearing a cowboy hat the entire time because he’s incredible even in retirement. Another suplex gets two and he picks Virgil up again, which further upsets Savage’s sense of law and order. Backdrop gets two and he continues picking Virgil up and even Sherri is sick of this match, so Dibiase makes the grave error of attacking Savage and KNOCKING THE HAT OFF. Oh he’s gonna pay for that. So he tosses the Macho Ref and puts Virgil in the Million Dollar Dream, but Savage comes in with a double axehandle on Dibiase and puts Virgil on top for the pin at 6:38. Dibiase got pinned with a double axehandle? He doesn’t deserve to be the champion. DUD

Meanwhile, the crew beams down to the planet.

Undertaker & Jake Roberts v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Randy Savage

There was something edited out at this point, as we jump immediately past the entrances and start the match. Wasn’t this one on that Macho Mixtape deal? Actually no, that was a six-man from around the same time. Taker beats on Duggan in the corner but misses a charge, and Duggan clotheslines him to the floor. Back in the ring, Savage goes after Roberts and quickly goes up with the double axehandle, chasing Jake to the floor as a result. But then Taker comes in and beats on Savage to take over, as he chokes out Macho on the ropes, but Duggan gets the hot tag and then immediately gets cut off and double-teamed by the heels. So Savage grabs a chair and that’s a DQ at 6:33. Absolutely nothing to this one. ½*

So yeah we obviously know what the nerds at the WWE Vault channel picked this one to showcase, and bless them for it. Outside of two Flair matches, however, this one is quite the pile of trash and better left beamed down to the planet, where no one has gone before and never will again.

I guess you could say…someone should rebook this Invasion.