The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hulkamania 2

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hulkamania 2

THE SAGA CONTINUES

Released sometime around January 1987.

Hosted by Mean Gene

Hulk Hogan & Hillbilly Jim v. Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy

Off to MSG to start and Jim immediately goes for the slam on Studd and can’t pull it off, allowing Studd to return the favor with his own slam. Over to Hulk, in his all white outfit tonight and you know that’s his favorite. So Studd slams him a few times and Hulk is immediately crawling for the tag and begging for mercy because Big John is too much of an alpha dog for him to handle. But then it turns out he was goldbricking and he slams both Studd and Bundy, earning himself $15,000 and probably sending it right to Zahorian after the show. Hulk beats on Studd in the corner and tries another slam, but Studd beats him down this time and the heels go to work on him in the corner as Bundy puts the boots to him. Backbreaker gets two. Hearing Ernie Ladd as a milquetoast babyface commentator after his amazing run as a heel shit talker in Mid-South is very jarring to say the least. Studd comes in with the bearhug and the LIFE IS LITERALLY BEING SQUEEZED OUT OF HIM. And yet he’s still around while the heels are both dead. Hulk dodges an elbow from Bundy and it’s back to the Hillbilly, but Bundy quickly drops a knee on him for two and beats on him in the corner before going to a chinlock. Lord Alfred notes that Hulk can’t help because he doesn’t want to break the rules. Is that a different Hulk we haven’t met? Studd with the bearhug on Jim and Hulk whines to the referee about how unfair the match is going and then gets the tag and immediately uses closed fists on Studd. Thought he didn’t want to break the rules? Hulk with the atomic drop and legdrop on Studd, but Bobby Heenan runs in for the DQ at 11:07 because he’s at least selfless and wants to save his team from losing to a cheat like Hogan. Not much to this one. *1/2

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy

From the Boston Garden, with a pair of rarities. First up, Hulk is using the Hogan ’85 silver belt, and also he’s using the music that replaced “Eye of the Tiger”, which was basically people chanting “Hulk” over a guitar riff. Written by Jim Steinman! That didn’t last long before Real American replaced it for good. Bundy jumps him and beats him down in the corner before slamming Hulk and putting the boots to him. Hulk runs away to the floor like the coward he is, and hopefully the white gear doesn’t show the stains when he pisses himself in terror, but of course he cheats and rams Bundy into the apron. Back in, he drops elbows on Bundy and hits him with a corner clothesline, but he’s not man enough to slam Bundy. Bundy drops an elbow for two and goes to a chinlock. Hulk fights out with shoulderblocks, but walks into an elbow from Bundy, which sets up the AVALANCHE. It only gets two as Hulk makes the comeback, probably after bribing the ref to stop the count, so Bundy hits him with another Avalanche, and Hulk just no-sells it and powerslams him for the pin at 6:09. Bundy’s shoulder wasn’t even down! HE WAS SCREWED! This is the biggest miscarriage of justice I’ve ever seen a Hebner perpetrate! **

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage

Again from the Boston Garden and you know Hulk is gonna be up to some bullshit here when faced with a challenge like Savage. Hulk is busy making eyes at Elizabeth, so Savage attacks to defend his manager, but then Hulk STEALS THE GLASSES and mocks Savage before taking him to the floor and running him into the post. What a role model. Back in the ring, Hulk gives Savage a blatant two handed choke right in front of the ref and follows with a corner clothesline before hitting a suplex and dropping an elbow on him. Hulk throws the closed fists as usual and Savage gets tied in the ropes while trying to defend himself, so Hulk BITES THE ARM like a maniac until finally Savage manages to send him to the floor and drop an axehandle on him in an act of self-preservation. Who knows what kind of weird diseases that Hogan has? So Macho sends him into the ringpost in a receipt from earlier and then into the railing, before going up and dropping the big elbow. But Hulk kicks out and comes back, hanging Savage in the Tree of Woe before hitting the big boot and legdrop, at which point my feed gives out at 7:20 and I don’t see what happens next. I assume Savage kicked out and then pinned Hulk but he pulled some bullcrap and kept the title on a technicality. Anyway, Adrian Adonis runs in after the match and the heels give Hulk a well deserved beatdown, but Hulk pulls Adrian’s dress off in a very disrespectful act. ***1/2

Meanwhile, on the Flower Shop, Adrian Adonis points out that Hulk Hogan is unable to ANSWER HIS DAMN PHONE and brokers a deal for a tag match against Studd & Bundy, but first Mr. Wonderful wants to fight the Moondogs next week as a warm up. Hulk stresses that he wants the OLD Mr. Wonderful who plays by his own rules.

Hulk Hogan & Paul Orndorff v. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd

From Championship Wrestling and one of the defining moments of my childhood. Orndorff slugs away on Studd and jumps into a sunset flip for one before grabbing a headlock a hitting him with a hiptoss. Over to Bundy, who puts Orndorff down with an elbow, but he misses a splash and Paul continues kicking ass all by himself without the need for Hogan to stick his big orange nose into the match. He tries to slam Studd and can’t pull it off, so he hits a dropkick on them instead to clear the ring and then graciously allows Hogan to tag in now that he’s done all the heavy lifting in the match. Typical Hogan, stand on the apron and grandstand while someone else does the work. Hulk manages to slam Studd after Mr. Wonderful softened him up, and I bet you Hogan didn’t split any of that $15,000 with him. So the heels regroup outside, and back in Hulk his Studd with an atomic drop and corner clothesline before walking into Studd’s clothesline. Orndorff desperately wants to come in and save the match but Hulk selfishly lays on the mat pretending to be hurt, hogging all the glory for himself. And then he deliberately hits Orndorff with an elbow to knock him off the apron because he’s insanely jealous! It was all so obvious in hindsight. The heels give Hulk the double-teaming he deserves while Paul waits on the apron because he’s not a cheater like Hulk, but then he comes in a clears them off after all. And then he goes to celebrate with Hulk, but thanks to the miracle of HD sound, we can now hear that Hulk called Orndorff a son of a bitch! So Paul justifiably turns on him, clotheslining him and hitting him with a piledriver to teach Hulk some manners, and then the Heenan Family brings Orndorff into the fold and treats him with respect and dignity. Unlike Hulk, WHO CAN’T EVEN ANSWER HIS DAMN PHONE.

WWF Title, Steel cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Paul Orndorff

As usual, Hogan steals Mr. Wonderful’s rightful music one last time before they put this feud to bed for good. By this point it was completely burned out on the house show circuit after many months and so much money drawn, all the money. Plus Hulk had other things coming up right after this was settled. Orndorff attacks and beats Hogan with his own belt, which doesn’t seem smart for someone taking out an insurance policy on it. Does it cover pre-existing conditions, I wonder? Paul goes for the door right away, but Hogan grabs the ankle and Orndorff has to beat him down again and drop an elbow on him. So he climbs out of the cage and he’s halfway down when Hogan grabs his hair and hauls him back in, prompting the famous “Hogan would not be the champion if Mr. Wonderful was bald” call from Jesse. Hulk chokes him out with his headband, sportsman that he is, and then also climbs for the cage. Well we certainly know that Orndorff isn’t gonna be grabbing any hair to save. He does manage to stop Hogan from escaping and both guys crawl for the door, but Hulk makes a comeback and slugs away. He goes for the door, but second referee Danny Davis has locked the door and he can’t get out. “That’s because Davis had the door locked!” “What’s it supposed to be, McMahon, left open?” Man’s got a point. Orndorff drops elbows and tries to run Hogan into the cage, but Hulk blocks and they both go into the cage, spitting in the face of physics! So then both guys climb the cage at the same time and both drop down, with both referees declaring both guys the winner. And then Hogan immediately demands a recount due to Deep State conspiracy and fraudulent main-in ballots! But before Hogan can beat up Danny Davis, Orndorff jumps him from behind and declares himself the champion. But in fact, the match is a tie and THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE. After the break. We’ve got commercial commitments, after all.

Back with Orndorff tossing Hulk back in and dropping an elbow off the top, as Vince accuses him of using a foreign object thrown in by Heenan. I think history has shown it’s far more likely that Hogan brought any objects into the match. Wonderful hits him with the short clothesline, but Hulk makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner. Hulk runs him into the cage a bunch of times and hits him with a backbreaker before dropping the leg, but Bobby Heenan decides to take matters into his own hands and keep Hulk from climbing out. So Paul makes the climb with that distraction, but Hulk pulls him down, sends him into the cage again, and exits to retain his title at 15:10. Of course, this was an incredibly clever twist on the standard cage match formula that had been established up until then, which is why we all still remember and talk about it today. And it also gave us the running argument between Jesse and Vince for the rest of the show about who hit the floor first. ***1/4

WWF Title: Hulk Hogan v. Brutus Beefcake

Another all-white gear showing for Hulk, this time from the Cap Center in Landover. Those Landover shows feel like they should be archived somewhere given that they were obviously taped for TV. We get a strutting contest and Hulk slugs away in the corner and puts him on the floor with an atomic drop. It’s crazy that these two had a million decent house show matches in the 80s but couldn’t pull together a watchable PPV main event in 1994. Brutus beats on him with forearms to take over, but Hulk runs him into the turnbuckles a bunch of times and chokes him out right in front of the ref. Hulk with a backbreaker for two. Brutus fires back with a corner clothesline and they fight to the floor, but Brutus wins that battle and they head back in for a backbreaker that gets two. Beefcake with a bearhug as Hulk gives his buddy tons of offense before slugging out of it. Hulk slugs away and hits him with a clothesline, with an elbowpad that’s likely loaded up with a foreign object, and the big boot and legdrop follow. Johnny V breaks up the pin, but Hulk runs them together and pins Beefcake to retain at 11:50 in a shockingly good match. ***

Randy Savage & Adrian Adonis v. Hulk Hogan & George Steele

Back to the Boston Garden for the followup to the last Savage match, and Hulk immediately joins in ripping up turnbuckles and damaging private property. Probably where he stashes his steroids when the feds come calling. Hulk whips Adonis into the corner for a Flair Flip right away, and we start with Savage and Steele. Savage wisely stays away, but Hulk tosses him back in the ring and wants Adonis. Careful what you wish for, Hulk. So Hulk gains the advance on Adonis, but then tags out to his overmatched partner, as Adonis puts the boots to the Animal in the corner because George barely knows how to work a match and Hulk just threw him to the wolves like a monster. Adonis drops a knee for two and the heels take turns beating Steele down before Adonis goes up with a flying splash for two. Over to Macho, who fights off a bite and clotheslines George to the floor, but Hulk finally accepts the tag after standing around on the ring counting his payday for the past 5 minutes while his partner does all the work. Thankfully Adonis cuts him off with a suplex right away, and that gets two. Adonis gets the sleeper and Hulk actually gives up, which I can prove if need be, prompting Adonis to let it go prematurely. But of course the ref CONVENIENTLY ignores Hulk giving up, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Savage accidentally backdrops his own partner and Hulk cashes in with a pin at 10:28 in the confusion. Sure, if you want to win that way, fine. **1/2

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Kamala

Off to MSG with a big drawing show. Thanks to Kamala, not Hulk. Obviously. Kamala overpowers him to start and Hulk is shocked that a person of color could best him in anything, and Kamala uses that confusion to beat Hulk down. Kamala chops him down, but Hulk recovers and slugs away and adds a high knee but can’t put him down. But the Wizard allegedly throws an object into the ring and Kamala allegedly uses it to take over. Kamala with a two handed choke on Hulk, just like Hogan does to everyone else so it’s FINE because two wrongs make a right. Kamala with the big splash, but it gets two. But then Hulk makes the comeback and runs Kamala into the turnbuckles and adds a corner clothesline before slamming him. But the Wizard gets involved and Kamala delivers another splash, so the ref calls for the bell at 6:41 because Hulk is getting his ass kicked too much and needs to be saved. I don’t think we’ll ever see a bigger win for an orange-toned egomaniac over someone named Kamala in our lifetimes. *

Hulk Machine, Super Machine & Big Machine v. Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy & Bobby Heenan

The Hulk Machine slams Bundy right away and brings in Big Machine to beat on Studd, but no slam is forthcoming. Over to Super, who hits Studd with a crossbody for two and also tries a slam on Studd, but also can’t make it. Back to Big, but Studd slams HIM and Bundy goes for the mask so we can finally learn the mysterious identity. The heels work on Big in the corner, but it’s back to Super, who uses some Ax-like blows on Studd but gets nailed in the corner. Bundy with a back elbow, but he misses the splash. Studd carries on working the back, and that’s enough for Brain to come in and gets some shots in. But Bobby gets a headbutt and knocks himself out, so Hulk Machine comes in to bravely face the injured manager. He won’t even let Bobby tag out until he gets one last shot in, and it’s back to Bundy for a lumbering showdown with Big. Super pounds away on Studd but can’t slam him. So Bundy comes in and hits the Avalanche, but the cheating Hulk Machine switches in like the gutless lowlife he obviously is under the mask, and he slams Studd and pins him with a legdrop at 8:46. Who pins someone with a LEGDROP? Obviously there’s not a very good wrestler under that mask. I don’t even know what this match was doing on a tape about Hulk Hogan when he didn’t even appear here! ½*

Another two hour abject lesson in how NOT to be a champion, should you decide to subject yourself to it.