The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hottest Matches

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hottest Matches

Another one from the fabulous WWE Vault YouTube channel.

Hosted by a very overheated Sean Mooney, released in late 1990.

Rick Martel v. Tito Santana

They fight over a wristlock to start and Martel puts him down with a dropkick, but Tito throws his own and chases him out of the ring. Bobby notes that “Arriba” translates to “Swim faster, the border guards are coming!” Man that one is a lot less funny these days. Although wrestling is historically full of DEI hires, like Akeem, or Kato, or the pizza guy from Twitter. Tito takes Martel down and works on the knee, which leaves Martel unable to even pose properly, and Tito wraps the knee around the post to set up the figure-four. Martel rakes the face to break it up while Gorilla has to explain to Bobby, who managed RIC FLAIR, how the figure-four works. One of these two is a fountain of misinformation. Martel catapults Tito under the ropes and goes up top, but Tito brings him down and rams him into the turnbuckles to make the comeback. Martel tries a crossbody out of the corner, which misses, and Tito gets two. Martel catches him with another cheapshot to put him down again, but Tito gets a small package for two. Backdrop sets up the flying forearm, but Martel bumps to the floor off that, allowing him to grab Arrogance and spray Tito in the face for the pin at 9:39. OK that was a pretty hot match, I’ll give them that. ***1/2

Tracking the WWF Tag titles

Lord Alfred does a voiceover explaining what tag team champions need, as we watch Strike Force v. Demolition from WM4. Things I learned this week: Mr. Fuji was supposed to use a gimmicked cane as a weapon, but gave Ax his real cane as a rib, and Ax tried to break it over Martel’s head as planned and of course that didn’t work. Ah, the old concussion gag.

Next up, we watch Haku and Andre squashing Ax in December of 1989, completely skipping the Brainbusters’ title reign, as Andre drops the big elbow on Axe and pins him while Smash pathetically tries to pull him off and gets nowhere. Then we get to Wrestlemania 6, as they trap Haku in the ring just like Ax got trapped in the ring last time, and win their third titles.

And we finish this abbreviated history at Summerslam 90, as the Hart Foundation win their second title to bring us up to present time.

Tag Team Match of the Month: The Rockers v. The Orient Express

From Toronto, as the Rockers hit the ring and clear them out right away. Sean Mooney on commentary notes that the Rockers are like identical twins, thinking the same thoughts. If Shawn was reading Marty’s mind and thinking his thoughts, it’s no wonder he turned to drugs and tried to forget everything in the 90s. Marty criss-crosses with Tanaka and goes to work on the arm, but the sneaky heels switch off and hold Marty down with a wristlock. But they collide on a leapfrog spot and that allows the Rockers to go to work on Sato. I guess you could say they were…disoriented? Shawn with a neckbreaker for two and Marty comes in for a double-team that gets two. But then Marty gets caught in the Orient corner and Tanaka puts the boots to Marty, and Sato kicks him down for two. Sato with a crescent kick for two. Tanaka with the chinlock as the heels just have no chemistry together. I just don’t get why Vince would poach one of the top tag teams in the world from the AWA and then immediately split them up. Sato goes up with a fistdrop on Marty for two and goes to the chinlock, but Marty pops up into a sunset flip for two. They collide with clotheslines for the double down, but it’s hot tag Shawn and he runs wild. Superkick for Sato and he backdrops Tanaka before ramming them together, and a lariat on Tanaka gets two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, but Shawn gets tripped up from the outside and they all brawl on the floor until the Rockers beat the count at 12:00. This one had moments but never left second gear. **1/2

Dusty Rhodes v. Greg Valentine

We’re back in June of 89 for this one, fairly soon after Dusty’s WWF debut and well before the polka dots. Valentine tries to win a lockup battle, but Dusty puts him down with an elbow. Greg goes to a wristlock, but Dusty escapes that with a bionic elbow and Greg does a Flair Flop off that. I’m guessing these two must have worked together in Crockett a time or two. Just a hunch. Valentine bails to think it over and comes back in for an attack, but Dusty chops him in the corner before missing an overblown elbowdrop. He danced first and everything! Valentine goes to a chinlock and beats on Dusty with chops in the corner, but Dusty fights back with an unlikely dropkick and slugs away in the corner. Dusty with his version of the figure-four, but Valentine somehow escapes it and goes to work on Dusty’s leg, using the deadly shinguard, but Dusty cradles him for two. Back to the chinlock as Alfred thinks that Dusty has a lot of energy still left in reserve. I’m pretty sure he’s never seen a Dusty Rhodes match then. I’d like to see him show his work on that one. Dusty makes the comeback but misses a blind charge and Hammer chokes him out in the corner. But this brings out troubleshooting referee Ronnie Garvin to deal with Jimmy Hart, and Dusty rolls up the Hammer with the world’s worst schoolboy at 10:40. How do you botch a rollup? This was certainly a match that happened. *

And now, a profile on Jake Roberts.

Jake Roberts v. Akeem

Another dark match from Superstars here. Akeem quickly overpowers Jake but misses an elbow, and Jake goes for the DDT and chases him out of the ring as a result. Back in the ring, Jake slugs away in the corner and goes to the arm while Akeem lays on the mat and yells in pain. He might have been created as a rib on Dusty Rhodes but he certainly learned how to sell from him. Akeem finally whips Jake into the corner and clotheslines him down to take over. This allows Slick to choke the Snake on the outside. Wait, what? Anyway Akeem continues slowly working Jake over, but he misses a blind charge and then misses a big splash as well. Jake tries for another DDT but ends up chasing Slick around the ring for the DQ at 6:24. And of course Slick is the one to take the DDT instead. Completely shit match. DUD

Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase

Back to Toronto for this one, after a quick vignette where Jake tells Dibiase to come get the Million Dollar belt back from him, and then shows off a variety of snakes that might be in the bag if Virgil sticks his hand in there. “Do you trust me?” Jake asks, and in fact a year later we’d learn where trusting Jake gets you. Warrior should have known! Jake fights off both Dibiase & Virgil and slugs Ted into the corner before chasing him out of the ring and we get a lengthy stall as Jake gets into a battle of wills with Virgil. Dibiase bails and stalls some more, so Jake chases them on the floor until Dibiase catches him with an elbow to take over. Dibiase goes for Jake’s surgicaly repaired neck as Gorilla relates the WWF canon explanation for Dibiase’s money: He inherited it from his wrestler father. Dibiase works on the neck and goes to a facelock before continuing his boring assault on the neck and then going back to the facelock again just to annoy me. So after a million years of that shit, they do a double down and Jake makes a comeback before going after Virgil, who is not only NOT a trained wrestler according to canon, but is sporting a cast on his arm as well. And so Virgil justifiably runs in for the DQ at 12:42 to get some revenge. And then the poor guy has to take the DDT anyway. Another really shitty match for Jake. ½*

Brutus Beefcake v. Haku

Off to a Wrestling Challenge dark match for this one, as Haku attacks and slugs away in the corner, but Beefcake hits a high knee and follows with a knee lift. Brutus with the punches in the corner and that gets two. Haku necks him on the top rope to take over and chokes away, followed by a shoulderbreaker for two. Haku with more choking on the ropes as this Hottest Matches tape has cooled down significantly. Haku finally misses an elbow and Brutus comes back with slams but they’re way off on a backdrop as Haku nearly lands on his neck for some reason. Brutus with a suplex instead to set up the sleeper, but Bobby Heenan runs in for the DQ at 8:44. That seems to be a recurring pattern on this tape. A complete yawner as they had no chemistry. *

And now, a profile on Queen Sherri, as she does an unhinged promo for Coliseum Video and talks about tasting his food for poison and paying homage to the King at ringside. Not much of a profile there.

Ted Dibiase v. Shawn Michaels

Oh, THERE we go. That’s why this one is featured on the Vault. This is a dark match at a San Antonio TV taping as they were basically testing out Shawn as a single before moving forward with breaking up the Rockers. Dibiase takes Shawn down with a pair of armdrags, but Shawn comes back with a pair of dropkicks and returns the armdrags to chase Ted out of the ring. Back in, Shawn takes him down with a headlock, and Ted grabs the tights, resulting in Joey Marella pushing them over. “You do not do that!” notes Gorilla, which is about the strongest rebuke he ever gave to Joey Marella’s referee skills for whatever reason. Dibiase fights up and tries a rollup, but Shawn reverses him and dropkicks him into another headlock on the mat. But then Shawn charges and runs into a knee, and Dibiase drops the fist on him and chokes hm out to take over. Dibiase with a clothesline and Shawn busts out the 180 sell for him, which gets two. Backbreaker gets two. Dibiase with a chinlock and Shawn comes back with a rollup for two, but Dibiase puts him down and beats on the back. Smart move on Ted’s part, as it would turn out. Dibiase tosses Shawn and he of course takes a flailing bump to the floor, and then Dibiase drops him on the railing and Shawn sells that like crazy as well. Ted suplexes him back in the ring and that gets two. Dibiase with another chinlock, but then he tries a piledriver and Shawn backdrops out of that. Double clothesline for the double down, but Shawn comes back with an atomic drop and dropkicks him for two. Neckbreaker and he goes up with a flying bodypress for two, but Virgil trips him up from the outside. So Marty gives chase and Ted just lays him out with a clothesline and goes back to beating on Shawn again. Dibiase with a clothesline and he puts the boots to him, but Marty and Virgil both run in again for a double DQ at 14:40. This was a hell of a match for 1990 although didn’t come off as great as it did at the time. ***3/4

Superstar Workout with Power & Glory. So they have matching Zubaz pants, and Roma does a promo while Herc pumps iron and it’s a tad on the sexual side. Especially when Herc takes Roma’s shirt off to show off his partner’s body. Seriously, listen to Roma going “DON’T STOP! DON’T STOP! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!” while Herc grunts and talks about how they think of each other when they go to bed at night. Geez, get a room.

Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire v. Macho King Randy Savage & Queen Sherri

This could only be the main event, complete with Brother Love in the heel corner and Elizabeth in the babyface corner. We of course get the usual shenanigans and stalling and promo battle to start. Sherri isn’t even dressed to wrestle, wearing a dress and high heels, and even Gorilla questions the strategy here. Sapphire quickly gets caught in the heel corner, but Dusty saves and yanks up Sherri’s dress. So it’s over to the Macho King, but Dusty puts him down with elbows but falls victim to the awesome martial arts skills of Brother Love on the floor. Back in, Savage with the double axehandle for two. Savage with a chinlock as I stop to ponder the depressing ratio of dead people in this match, possibly more depending on which Hebner was refereeing at this point. Dusty to the floor for more schtick as Sherri and Brother Love has communication issues and Dusty gets a sleeper in the ring. So Brother Love comes in and hits Dream with the GUCCI BAG OF DEATH for a double down, and Savage is up first and gets two. Sapphire gets the unlikely hot tag and slams Sherri for two, but it’s BONZO GONZO and the purse gets involved again, resulting in Liz stealing it and knocking Sherri out before putting Sapphire on top for the pin at 10:20. Definitely a night off for all concerned, as this was ALL smoke and mirrors and nothing else. ¼*

Man there was a LONG stretch of nothing between the opener here and the Shawn singles match. But hey, if you love DQ finishes with midcarders, and a slightly questionable workout segment, this tape is for YOU!