The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Bret Hitman Hart 2: The Best There Is

– Hosted by Gorilla & Johnny Polo.

– Bret Hart v. Jerry Lawler.

This is after Summerslam 93. Bret drags him into the ring by the hair to start and Jerry bails right back out again. Back in, Bret hammers away and Lawler bails again. I can see what the pace is going to be like here. Back in, Bret kicks the crap out of him and chokes him in the corner, but Lawler finds a phantom foreign object in his tights and puts Hart down with it. Fistdrop and Lawler chokes him out and slugs away. Choking follows. The “foreign object” cuts off a comeback and Lawler drops another fist. Part of the genius of Lawler is that he doesn’t even need an actual weapon just pantomiming a foreign object is enough to convince the fans that there’s something in his hand. More choking, and Lawler stops to cut a promo while choking him. Piledriver and Lawler thinks it’s over, but it only gets two. He wants another one, which Bret reverses. Backbreaker, elbow and legdrop from Bret, and he hammers away in the corner. Ref is bumped by accident, and Lawler crowns him (literally) for the pin at 8:32. Poor Bret. Another ref declares that the match must continue, however, and they call Lawler back. Bret gets his FIVE MOVES OF DOOM and a cradle finishes. Not enough to save it. 0 for 1.

– Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels.

Shawn is the bogus IC champion at this point. Bret ducks a punch to start and works on the arm, and Shawn misses a charge. Bret goes back to the arm and works it on the mat. Shawn tries to overpower him, but walks into a hiptoss and Bret goes back to the arm. Bret grabs a sleeper, but Shawn rams him into the corner to break and chokes away. Bret goes into the corner hard and Shawn hammers the back and hits the chinlock. Bret fights out and slingshots Shawn into the ringpost. Atomic drop and clothesline get two. Legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and elbow get two. Shawn sends him out and Diesel introduces him to the post, and Bret is out. Back in, Shawn piledrives him, but Owen Hart runs in for the DQ at 7:44. Strange finish. Lethargic match. 0 for 2.

– Video package shows Bret’s various title wins and happenings. We get clips of the IC title win in 1991, the ladder match with Michaels and the title win over Flair.

– Bret Hart v. IRS.

IRS grabs the armbar to start, and Bret reverses. Stalling follows. Lots of it. They fight over a hammerlock and Bret grabs a headlock and they work off that for a bit. Gorilla actually makes a good point there shouldn’t be any danger of the heel rolling him over for a pin, because all he has to do is release the hold. IRS bails and stalls. Back in, more stalling. IRS hits him with a phantom object and goes to work on the leg. More stalling results. We’re getting close to 10:00 with absolutely nothing happening. Irwin hits the chinlock. Bret finally fights back and gets a legsweep for two. Small package for two. IRS dumps him, however, and Owen sneaks out to lay the badmouth on Bret. He tosses him back in for more punishment, and stands on the ring apron forever. Bret knocks him off, but IRS cradles, and Bret reverses for the pin at 13:19. Well, that’s 15 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back again. 0 for 3.

– Bret Hart v. Adam Bomb.

Okay, now things should pick up! If Bryan Clarke can’t boost the workrate, no one can. Bomb overpowers Bret to start, but gets hiptossed. They brawl out, giving Bomb the upper hand, and a powerslam gets two back in the ring. Bomb chokes away and tosses Bret around. More choking gets two. Bret gets a sunset flip for two, but Bomb stomps him down again. Sideslam gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bret escapes and Bomb hits boot on a charge. Bret gets two from that. Clothesline gets two. Legsweep gets two. Bret misses an elbow and gets choked down, but when Bomb goes up he gets slammed off, and Bret gets the Sharpshooter at 11:33. Well, that just kept going. 0 for 4.

– Bret Hart v. Kwang.

Kwang = Savio Vega, for those who don’t know him. This would be your standard 1995 RAW main event. Bret works a hammerlock to start and armdrags Kwang around the ring. Kwang escapes and gets a spinkick to take over. He uses the Vulcan Nerve Grip, but Bret cradles for nothing due to the ref being distracted. Back to the nerve hold. He superkicks Bret into the corner and hammers away, but misses a leg lariat and Bret comes back. Legsweep gets two. Backbreaker sets up the elbow and the Sharpshooter at 7:48. Total long-distance phone call from Bret. 0 for 5.

– Highlights of the King of the Ring, as Bret beats Razor Ramon, Curt Hennig and Bam Bam Bigelow.

– Cage match: Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels.

Shawn pounds away and sends him into the cage, and hammers away in the corner. He can’t make it out the door, and Bret slingshots him into the cage. Bret slugs away as Johnny Polo campaigns for over-the-top only cage matches, because going out the door is for weenies. Bret tries to climb and gets caught by Shawn. They slug it out and Bret ends up eating cage. Shawn crawls for the door and gets caught by Bret. They do the sequence from Summerslam 94 where they dive over each other trying to get out. Bret meets the cage again and Shawn climbs, but Bret saves in the nick of time with the help of Shawn’s hair. Back in, Bret stomps him down and climbs, but can’t make it out and gets crotched as a result. Good one, too. Shawn crawls for the door, but Bret crotches him as he crawls between the ropes. Shawn chokes him down and superkicks him, but Bret recovers and they fight it out at the top of the cage. Bret kicks him in the face and Shawn takes a dramatic bump to the mat, and Bret climbs over, but Shawn dives for the save and drags Bret back in by the hair. Shawn with the sleeper, but Bret sends him into the cage and climbs. They fight on the top of the cage again and Shawn climbs down, but gets hits foot caught and Bret jumps down for the win at 11:36. Good enough for a point, but nothing spectacular. 1 for 6.

– Bret Hart v. Yokozuna.

From Wrestlemania X, as Bret regains the WWF title. 1 for 7.

The Bottom Line: If you want a whole tape full of Bret Hart dogging it, this is the one for you. Lord knows I love Bret, but when he decided to slack off, no one could touch him. The cage match isn’t enough to redeem it.