The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Bashed In The USA

– Your host is Mr. Perfect, who is collecting stamps. This is from mid-1993.

– Big Bossman v. Razor Ramon.

From early in Ramon’s run, as Lord Alfred is telling us what a great future he has. Ramon protests Bossman’s police paraphernalia. Guilty conscience? Bossman callously snaps Ramon’s toothpick in half. What a badass. Stalling to start from Ramon, and then Bossman matches him in kind. See, “Coliseum Video exclusive” usually means “huge steaming pile of dogshit”. Ramon stalls again. Finally we get contact with a punch from Bossman at 3:35. Ramon grabs a headlock and they bounce off each other to set up the test of strength spot. That wastes more time. Finally Bossman gets a small package for two, and tosses Ramon around. Razor grabs the nightstick, but misses a shot with it and Bossman sends him from pillar to post again. He charges and hits boot, however, and Ramon gets the cheap pin at 7:44. God-awful. 0 for 1.

– Tatanka, Owen Hart & Koko B. Ware v. Ted Dibiase, Irwin R. Schyster & Rick Martel.

Owen starts with Dibiase and gets armdragged. Martel & IRS give him a nice ovation. Always nice to see teamwork. Dibiase gets a slam and confers with his team about the easy time he’s having. Owen gets a dropkick and cleans house on the heels, and it’s a six-man melee. The heels take a powder and regroup. Martel gives it a go, so Owen lets Tatanka in, and he chops away. “The Cornwallians have EXPLODED!” Alfred declares. That sounds serious. IRS takes his turn next and gets dominated with armbars, and the faces work the arm in their corner. Koko gets a bodypress for two. Dropkick and IRS begs off. A cheapshot from Dibiase turns the tide and they proceed to beating on the black guy. Where’s The Truth when you need him? Koko gets a neckbreaker on Dibiase and Tatanka comes in, but walks into a boot while Alfred & Gorilla discuss Canadian French fries. Martel chokes out Tatanka and the cheating begins in earnest from the heel corner. IRS gets two. Dibiase with the elbow for two. He hits the chinlock. In a six-man tag? Heels switch off on it to build heat. In theory. No such heat appears to be evident from the crowd. Tatanka gets a sunset flip on Dibiase for two, but gets elbowed down again. False tag to Koko allows more tomfoolery from the heels. He finally reverses a suplex on IRS and makes the hot tag to Owen. He cleans house and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Owen dumps Dibiase and they slug it out on the floor. IRS ends up pinning Koko at 12:12, despite neither guy being legal. Geez, what a mess that finish was. 0 for 2.

– Profile on Shawn Michaels.

– Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. Kamala.

Geez, talk about your style clashes. Alfred’s been waiting a long time for this match, but then Alfred is obviously senile to begin with. Shawn has the San Jose Sharks teal variation of the IC belt here. Kamala is being managed by Reverend Slick during the horridly insulting “You are a man” period for him. Shawn outruns Kamala to start and offers a handshake, but Kamala is wary. Shawn of course decks him and pounds away, but Kamala hammers back and Shawn bails. Lot of that going around tonight. Back in, Shawn attacks from behind to no effect. Shawn keeps dropping fists, but walks into a bearhug. They exchange cheapshots and Shawn tries a slam, and that goes about as well as you’d expect. Kamala misses a charge and Shawn hits him with a missile dropkick. He pounds away to no effect, and walks into a back kick. Kamala with the devastating DOUBLE-THRUST OF DEATH, and he dumps Shawn for reasons that elude me. Shawn goes after Slick, and then takes a walk at 4:29. Shawn is good, but not THAT good in 1992. 0 for 3.

– Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. Skinner.

Shawn is still using the Sherri version of “Sexy Boy”, so it’s late 1992. Savage’s analysis is quite insightful: “I’m thinking that it’ll be neither here nor there that determines who the winner is”. Yeah. Skinner sends Shawn bumping over the top to start, but gets caught coming in. Shawn’s flip-reverse of a hiptoss is blocked by a punch in the mouth, and Skinner bites away. Neckbreaker and he chokes away. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Shawn bails off an elbow, but sends Skinner into the post when he follows. Back in, Shawn chokes him out and gets a standing dropkick, but Skinner nails him again to turn the tide. Headbutts put Shawn down again, and back over the top he goes. Back in, superkick out of nowhere finishes for Shawn at 4:38. Um, okay. 0 for 4.

– Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. Virgil.

I didn’t know that Mike McGuirk was Leroy’s daughter, but I guess it makes sense. This is very shortly after Shawn won the belt from Bulldog in 1992. Bobby whistles “Sexy Boy” until Savage smacks him. Funny stuff. Virgil works a headlock, but gets taken down and taunted by Shawn. Bobby warns all the kids at home about the dangers of chewing gum and wrestling at the same time. Just another thing against Shawn’s record. Virgil then dislodges the gum with an elbow and drops a fist. Inverted atomic drop and dropkick get two. Shawn elbows away in the corner, but Virgil alley-oops over him and gets a bodypress for two. Rollup is blocked and Shawn superkicks him, but it wasn’t his finisher at that point so Virgil is still alive. Shawn stomps away and hits a standing dropkick, into the chinlock. Bobby & Randy veer into a discussion of Yogi Berra v. Yogi the Bear. Don’t ask. Virgil backslides for two, but Shawn clotheslines him back down again. Vertical suplex and Shawn has a conversation with the camera and stomps away. Shawn slugs him down, but Virgil takes him down and makes the comeback. Shawn eats boot on a charge and Virgil hits a lariat to the back of the neck and slugs away. That gets two. Virgil tries another bodypress, but headfakes Shawn and hits a clothesline from the middle rope instead for two. Blind charge misses and Shawn hits a backdrop suplex for the pin at 7:07. Thank god he changed finishers. This was Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling, as Virgil was in quite the miracle jobber zone from 91-93. 1 for 5.

– 40-man battle royale

We’ve got Shawn, Bret, Slaughter, Tatanka, Tito, Virgil, Kerry Von Erich, Barry Horowitz, Jim Powers, Repo Man, Kato, Skinner, Dale Wolfe, Brooklyn Brawler, Brian Costello, Reno Riggins, Barry Hardy, Dwayne Gill, Chuck Casey, Tom Stone, Col Mustafa, Crush, Burt Spears, George Anderson, Ron Cumberland, Ted Dibiase, IRS, Beau and Blake Beverly, Knobs, Sags, Animal, Hawk, Owen Hart, Koko, Earthquake, Typhoon and two more jobbers who McGuirk missed. Everyone gangs up and dumps Quake first. Typhoon goes with him. A couple of jobbers go next. There’s just too many people and not enough ring. More jobbers get weeded out, as JR doesn’t even bother with any names past “Another young man.” Hawk & Sags eliminate each other and continue the brawl on the floor. Nothing going on otherwise. Now Animal and Knobs put each other out and keep brawling. Costello goes out, and now the entire complexion of the match has changed! Another pair of jobbers go bye-bye, along with Repo Man. Kerry gets dumped by Shwn, and now we’re out of jobbers for the most part. Shawn & Bret knock each other out and fight all the way back down the aisle. So THAT’S where it came from. Skinner goes out while they fight. Horowitz goes out via Mustafa. IRS sends Slaughter flying out, and Mustafa dumps Powers. Dibiase goes after Crush.and he’s gone. Well, that was pretty anticlimactic. Tatanka sends Mustafa out, and we’re down to about 10. Koko takes a monster bump over the top courtesy Dibiase and he’s gone. Dibiase sends Reno Riggins over and out, and Tom Stone keeps getting put THROUGH the ropes by the Beverly Brothers. Kato gets dumped by them, and Dibiase & Virgil put each other out. Ah, poetic justice. That leaves IRS, the Beverlies and Tatanka. Tatanka holds them off, but gets triple-teamed into mush. Heel miscommunication puts Beau out, however. Blake & IRS keep pounding on him, but Tatanka blocks an attempt to toss him, and both heels go flying over the top at 13:16 to give Tatanka the win! Well, that was a pretty innovative ending, actually, so give it a point. 2 for 6.

– Focus on Bret Hart’s artistic endeavours. He draws some cartoons of various WWF heels.

– Intercontinental title: Bret Hart v. Rick Martel.

Bret works a headlock to start and they work off that. Rick dodges a punch with a cartwheel, and he goes to a wristlock and works the arm. They do some counter-wrestling, and Bret clotheslines him out. They brawl on the floor and Martel meets the post. Back in, Martel catches him with a knee and pounds away in the corner. Charge misses and he hits the post again. Bret works the injured arm on the mat, but Rick breaks and they do a criss-cross into a Bret backslide for two. Back to the arm. Martel slams out of it, but misses an elbow and Bret is on that armbar again. Bret’s attempt at a Thesz Press is blocked with a hotshot, however, and Martel takes over on offense. Chinlock city. Martel hammers away, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Martel goes back to choking, and gets a gutwrench suplex for two. Martel tries a slingshot splash, but hits the knees. He tries a suplex, but Bret counters with a rollup, which Martel blocks. Bret hits an inverted atomic drop and clothesline, and legsweep gets two. Small package gets two. What, no elbow? Backbreaker sets up the Sharpshooter, but the ref gets bumped. RING THE BELL, RING THE FU.sorry, force of habit. Martel clocks him with the Arrogance and gets the Boston Crab, but Shawn Michaels wanders out and starts hammering on Bret to draw a DQ at 10:13. Martel thinks he’s won the title, and this triggers a fight with Michaels that led to Summerslam ’92 and the unique “No punching in the face” match. Nothing wrong here. 3 for 7.

– The Natural Disasters v. The Beverly Brothers.

Rather odd here, as the “real” brothers (Beau and Blake) are of course not brothers, and the real brothers (commentator Randy Savage and manager Lanny Poffo) are never acknowledged as brothers. Disasters have their way with the Beverlies, tossing them around and splashing them in the corner. Typhoon knocks Blake down and slams him. Belly-butts in the corner, and Blake makes a smart choice and bails. Earthquake beats on him outside, but Beau uses the Genius’ scroll to put Typhoon down and take over. Choking follows. They do their dirty work in the corner, but Typhoon clotheslines them both. Beau drops a leg and a knee, however. Blake hits the chinlock. Typhoon misses a charge, but so does Beau. Oh, the irony. Hot tag Quake, and he hits a belly to belly on Blake for two. Powerslam and elbow get two. Butt splash misses as Blake takes a powder, and they all fight outside until Blake rolls in for the countout win at 7:12. This gets nothing and likes it. 3 for 8.

– Yokozuna v. Undertaker.

This is early in Yoko’s WWF career because he’s still hailing from “The Polynesian islands”. You know this is during the bad period because the announcers are constantly harping on how we should really go to the live shows and see how big Yokozuna is. I never understood that argument paying $20 for a house show so you can sit there and gawk like a slack-jawed yokel at the big freak never struck me as a real convincing proposition. Okay, he’s big, so what? I mean, I saw him at a house show against Tatanka in 1993 and my life, amazingly, did not change. Yoko slugs away, and Taker no-sells it all and DDTs him. Elbow misses and Yoko dumps him. Taker goes after Fuji, and Yoko jumps him from behind and gives him some stairs, and we head back in, as Yoko hits a butt splash in the corner. Taker no-sells it. Slam and legdrop, but UT sits up. Bellies-to-belly puts Taker down, but he sits up again. Salt bucket draws the DQ at 4:03. This was barely even a match. 3 for 9.

Sadly, the advertised Perfect v. Ramon match is not on this tape! I want my money back! Even though I didn’t pay for this tape!

The Bottom Line: Couple of marginal passes, but overall this dog isn’t worth your time.