The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 13

The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 13

Look, we all acknowledge that the tribalism is getting a little out of hand lately, so time for a show that no sane human being can defend, which will hopefully unify us all again, like how everyone is suddenly ganging up together and hating on the 49ers for god knows what reason. Probably jealousy.

Taped from the dumpster in the back alley of the Gallagher family house somewhere near Chicago

Your hosts are Mick Karch & Terry Taylor

AWF World champion Tito Santana v. The Bounty Hunter

Our jobber is introduced from “Tombstone” and even the announcers are unsure if he’s supposed to be from Arizona or just lives by an actual tombstone. The crowd of homeless people is very jacked up here, so I’m assuming that Alperstein was giving out coupons for free orange drink at McDonalds that you used to get at kids’ birthday parties. Tito gets a couple of hiptosses. Mick notes that Tito was besieged by fans looking for autographs on the way into the ring. Bobby Heenan would probably quip that the fans thought he was opening a taco stand and they wanted to beat the lunch rush. Not me, I would never defame Tito with cheap humor like that. Tito puts away the Bounty Hunter with the flying forearm at 2:10.

Meanwhile, Tito talks about how promoters are flying him all over the world to defend his title, which is why he’s unable to defend it against Cowboy Bob Orton.

The Freebirds v. Don Diamond & Hubert Simpson

Oh my lord, Michael Hayes’ “big surprise” was hauling Jimmy “Hip Cool Rockin’ Dad” Garvin out of retirement for this trainwreck of a promotion. Garvin stalls for a while, picking up right where he left off in WCW two years earlier, and they work Simpson over in their corner. “He might not look like much but if Hubert Simpson wasn’t athletic he wouldn’t be here in the AWF.” I’m not sure I agree 100% with your detective work there, Lou. Over to Don Diamond, and Hayes no-sells his offense and chops him down. The guy literally looks like Fezzini from The Princess Bride, for those looking for a point of reference. The Freebirds keep beating on this doofus and toss him to the floor as the round expires.

Round two and we get an inset promo from the hot new team of Chris Adams & 2 Cold Scorpio, who are apparently called “Sugar & Spice.” Sounds like what they ordered from their dealers before the show. The Birds continue double-teaming Diamond with punches and kicks, and Garvin finishes him off with, I kid you not, a Stone Cold Stunner at 5:58. This would have been more than a year before Austin appropriated the move for himself, so that’s kind of impressive.

Meanwhile, the Freebirds namedrop Terry Gordy & Buddy Roberts as possibly joining them as well. I don’t think the four of them ever teamed up, actually.

Johnny Gunn v. T-Rex

Gunn can’t even make it into the ring before he’s mobbed by girls in the front row! Wow, that looked so legitimate and non-staged that I’m fully convinced of Gunn’s sexiness to women now! Gunn sends T-Rex to the floor and hits him with a dive, but Rex catches him with a clothesline out of the corner. But then Rex goes up and sits on the top rope facing the crowd and I have no idea what he’s planning on doing, but Gunn counters whatever that was going to be, and brings him down with a cobra sleeper by dropping the guy right on his head for the pin at 2:48. My god, he’s so sexy. Could his face even be more beautiful than Kota Ibushi’s face? NO. THAT’S CRAZY TALK. And yet I cannot resist him. No wonder he had to buy the Patriot gimmick and start covering up his face, otherwise he would have been mobbed by women everywhere he went.

Meanwhile, speaking of sexy motherfuckers with the rizz, Paul Alperstein informs us that they’re run out of storage space for all the flowers that fans are sending Johnny Gunn, so STOP SENDING THEM. Sorry, a bunch of those were probably from me.

The Ambassador Steve Casey v. Jon Paul

Jon Paul is the closest thing we’ve seen to a real wrestler in the jobber slots. Casey, who is supposed to be a dignified British gentleman, is dressed like Patrick Swayze in the Chippendales skit on Saturday Night Live. Yes, suspenders and a BOW TIE with no shirt. Like all classy gentlemen. Oh and a mullet like he’s the vocalist for a Ratt tribute band at the bar down the street. I’m assuming the finisher is an airplane spin called the Round and Round. Paul gets some offense on Casey but walks into a backbreaker. Casey with a legsweep and he finishes with a samoan drop at 2:54.

Meanwhile, Casey calls everyone “heathens” and “reprobates” so you know he’s EVIL.

Tony Atlas & Koko B. Ware v. The Texas Hangmen

Are the Texas Hangman gonna secede from the AWF if they lose, I wonder? Atlas gets a press slam on Psycho and it’s over to Killer, so Koko works his arm. Psycho also suffers that same fate, but Koko misses a charge and hits the corner, and the round expires.

Round two after the break and the Hangman choke Koko on the ropes, but he comes back with a double DDT and makes the hot tag to Tony Altas and it’s a PIER SIX BRAWL. One of the Hangmen tries a slam on Atlas and Koko dropkicks them over and puts Tony on top for the pin at 7:22. Koko and Atlas are so happy that they decide to celebrate by going to buy new pajama pants after the show, but Nailz interrupts their shopping plans and attacks both of them, and the brawl with Tony Atlas is so brutal and unrelenting that we have no other option but to bring out PAUL ALPERSTEIN HIMSELF to break it up. Thank god for that sexy, balding, beast. Take a drink in his honor.

Was this show better than the Royal Rumble as well? The Rumble didn’t have Johnny Gunn OR Paul Alperstein, so I think that question answers itself. Although to be fair Alperstein is dead and Johnny Gunn is…I wanna say “alive”? But still, this was clearly the sexier show, and that’s the important thing.