The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 12

The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 12

Well it’s a longshot for Paul Alperstein, but I suppose he could technically land Okada.

BREAKING NEWS: Paul Alperstein is dead. Well, never mind then.

Taped from CM Punk’s mother’s boyfriend’s basement in the Chicago area

Your hosts are Mick Karch & Terry Taylor, with Chris E & Ken Resnick doing a cold open to run down the upcoming hour of excitement somehow jammed into 45 minutes without commercials.

2 Cold Scorpio v. Bobby Bradley

I’d like to say that this is a new career low for Scorpio but he went on to work Heroes of Wrestling 4 years later. Remember kids, the Simpsons movie “Worst day of your life SO FAR” meme is always relevant. Bradley reverses out of a wristlock while the announcers talk about the “unique and innovative” rounds system, which they also freely admit is stolen from decades of European wrestling, thus making it neither unique nor innovative. Scorpio works a headlock while the announcers talk about all the RULES that the AWF has, and how kids just love to watch rules being enforced. Bradley makes a comeback with a rana and dropkicks Scorpio, who takes a bump to the floor because apparently he didn’t the memo that you’re supposed to do a 3 minute squash while telling jokes with the referee and collect your $50 payoff without trying anything. Scorp whips Bradley into the corner and follows with a pump splash for two and avalanche, but the round expires. Scorpio goes up to the top anyway, blatantly disregarding the voluminous rulebook of Paul Alperstein, but misses a moonsault while the ref breaks them up.

Second round and Bradley quickly takes Scorpio down and hits his own moonsault on Scorpio for two, but Scorp superkicks him and goes up to finish with the 450 at 5:48. I can safely call this the best match in the history of the promotion without fear of contradiction. Probably because Scorpio was an actual star in the prime of his career and was busy trying to get a job with ECW or the WWF for actual money. Also this was not the more famous Bob Bradley from WWE unless he drastically changed his look and lost his muscle definition.

Meanwhile, Tito Santana talks to Chris E about his impending trip to Japan to defend his title. I assume that means the parking lot of a Edo Japan in a strip mall.

Chief Charlie Norris v. Tony Ramone

Wait, so if Norris was in the process of suing WCW for racially profiling him with a stereotyped gimmick at this point, then why was he working the indie scene with the same gimmick? Kind of undermines his lawsuit’s point, I feel like. Meanwhile we get an inset promo from Rico Suave and his team of Valentine & Rich, promising to win the tag team titles for the second week in a row. Of course the issue remains that no one has announced the tag team titles as of yet. Norris works the arm, but Ramone comes back with a clothesline in the corner and chokes him out while the crowd does the silly “woo woo woo” stuff and Norris does the wardance like he’s Jay Strongbow and then finishes with a big boot at 3:02. “The fans are certainly into his package right now” notes Karch. Well that’s a bit too much information. See now Norris, unlike Scorpio, understood the point of this promotion was to do nothing in a 3 minute squash and then collect your $50. This kid’s got a bright future fleecing money marks.

Meanwhile, Sheik Adnan and his team of Hercules & Mr. Hughes, who talk about dogs barking or something.

Jeff Gaylord & The Warlord v. Firefighter Jim & Pretty Boy Floyd

YES. The amazing jobber connection of Jim & Floyd return to make my life complete for another week. We are joined by the Nature Rooster on commentary while the Anabolic Warriors double-team the skinny geeks and we get an inset promo from Gunn & Powers. Warlord drops Floyd with a press slam and then Gaylord adds his own press slam. The Lords finish with a Demolition kneedrop in the corner at 2:00. Gaylord looked like what you got when your mom said that you already had Mike Awesome at home.

Meanwhile, Michael Hayes promises a surprise for us all from BADSTREET. It’s gonna be one of the other Armstrong brothers dressed up in the Badstreet gimmick, if I had to bet.

Konnan 2000 v. Ronnie Vegas

Oh boy, they got Scott Putski, what a coup. Was a cardboard cutout of Ultimate Warrior not available instead? Konnan hits some clotheslines and drops a knee on Vegas, and then hits another clothesline to finish at 2:22. Shockingly he would get a brief run with the WWF AFTER this. I guess kudos to them for not playing the nepo baby card if nothing else.

The Samoan Swat Team v. Terry Allen & Eric Freedom

It’s the Macho Chicken doing a guest commentary spot this time. Also this is not the actual SST, since Fatu was still employed by the WWF at this point, and instead it’s the substitute version of Samu and Fatu’s brother Tama. The Samoans double-team Freedom in the corner while a fan with a planted sign accuses them of being cannibals. That’s pretty slanderous. Samu hits Freedom with a backdrop suplex out of the corner and Tama finishes with a flying splash at 2:00. You’ll note that the announcers never named either Samoan in order to further the illusion that they were the “real” version of the team. Also the replay shows that Tama was barely even able to hit the jobber with the splash.

Meanwhile, Tony Atlas and Koko B. Ware, continuing the wrestling tradition of black guys either teaming up or fighting each other when there’s no better ideas for them, are facing the Texas Hangmen next week. So…the black guys are facing a team from Texas who wants to hang them? That’s certainly a thing.

Fidel Sierra v. Trevor Blanchard

Yes, the CUBAN ASSASSIN is the new hot heel for the AWF as they’ve really got their finger on the political pulse of America in 1995. Sierra slugs Blanchard down while Sgt. Slaughter watches from the aisle, disgusted at someone exercising their First Amendment rights on HIS watch. Sierra with a short arm clothesline and he informs Slaughter that USA IS NOT OK and in fact it is Cuba that is #1. Damn those Cubans and their cigars! How dare he? Sierra headbutts Blanchard as the round comes to an end.

During the break, the announcers inform us that Sierra is still bitter about the Cuban Missile Crisis from 33 years ago and that’s why we should boo him. Sierra with a fameasser as Karch quips that it might break someone’s neck, and that would probably be giving these clowns too much credit for wit, and Fidel finishes with the CASTRO CLUTCH, aka a sleeper, at 6:37. And then he drapes the Cuban flag on the fallen jobber as we steal from Bill Watts for good measure, which is apropos for this promotion that takes everything else from a decade earlier and pretends that it’s new and fresh.

Meanwhile, Konnan 2000 has studied the round system and he’s here to make a name for himself! Of course he didn’t actually use that name when he finally got a job with a real promotion.

Can you feel the momentum building towards the tag team title tournament that they haven’t actually announced yet? I KNOW I CAN.