The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 12.15.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 12.15.23

Man diverticulitis is probably not what AEW needed this week. But I guess that promo on Dynamite was so terrible that Kenny’s own intestinal system tried to kill him in order to stop it. Frankly I’m shocked that the segment even was allowed to happen in Texas, given how they feel about abortions in that state.

Anyway, lots of quality viewing choices tonight but I really wanted to check out the trios match on this show so Rampage wins! Two weeks in a row!

Taped from Arlington, TX

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Chris Jericho

Orange Cassidy & The Von Erichs v. Jake Hager & 2.0

Impressively, Tony Khan even sprung for Nugent tonight. That’s gotta mean these guys are signing soon. Also Nugent is a piece of crap these days but “Stranglehold” still slaps. Ross takes Parker down and works the arm to start, but Parker reverses out of that, so Ross dropkicks him into the corner. He follows with a shotgun dropkick and Marshall comes in with his own dropkick, so Daddy Magic comes in and mocks his bare feet. Over to Orange Cassidy, but Hager takes him down and powers him around the ring until Orange escapes with some pocket power. Daddy Magic cuts him off and Parker hits a running knee behind the ref’s back, and Hager takes over and chokes Orange out on the ropes. Hager beats him down in the corner and Daddy Magic takes out the Von Erichs to set up another double-team on Orange. Menard calls someone in the front row a jerk and the guy yells back “You’re a horrible person!” and I laughed. Hot tag Marshall and he runs wild with dropkicks on 2.0 and Ross adds a PK. Jake comes in to save his partners, but Orange hits him with the stunner and the Von Erichs dropkick him to the floor, but Parker rolls up Marshall for two, and then Marshall gets his own rollup for the pin at 7:45. Von Erichs looked OK but didn’t really have much star aura on their own. **1/2. Like they just kind of look like a couple of generic wrestlers, down to their gear. Hager goes to retrieve his hat from Danhausen, but Kevin Von Erich comes out to save and puts the Iron Claw on Hager for the easy pop. This was all very silly and harmless stuff. Really it should have been Daddy Magic taking the Iron Claw because he would sold that like he was DEAD.

Meanwhile, Mark Briscoe might be sitting at zero points, but pro wrestling is what he was put on earth to do, and this is like his rookie season as a singles wrestler so there’s no shame in losing. But then Jay Lethal interrupts and Mark tries to convince him that he doesn’t need to hang with the Jarrett clown show any longer. So next week they fight for honor. Man, Briscoe has just been hitting his limited role out of the park as a single and it’s too bad they were banned from the major promotions for so long before now.

Kyle Fletcher & Powerhouse Hobbs v. Hunter Grey & Paul Titan

That’s some strong names on the enhancement team. They get completely destroyed and powerslammed by Hobbs at 0:45, though. And then surprise, surprise, Don Callis does another promo about the Golden Jets and how his family is going to come to take out Omega. Yeah well intestinal disease already beat him to that one. Anyway, Don promises that from now on any combination of the Family will be coming after the Jets moving forward. It’s been months now, it’s time to find another opponent for Callis and his Family. What about the Acclaimed? They’re still around, right? Max can do some spicy raps about Australia and Japan and Winnipeg, good times.

Meanwhile, Ruby looks back on her loss on Dynamite, and Saraya tells her off again, so Ruby tells her to go beat Riho herself then.

Red Velvet v. Anna Jay

Well this is a throwback to 2020. Velvet gets a rollup for two, but Anna backslides for two. Velvet misses a dropkick, but slugs away in the corner, so Anna knocks her off the apron and out to the floor to take over. Anna wraps her around the ringpost to work the back and chokes her out in the corner while yelling a lot. Meanwhile the announcers discuss how there’s no room for romance in wrestling, and Jericho notes that he literally worked for Wrestle and Romance in 1995. He was the wrestler and Lance Storm was the romance, apparently. Anna goes to a surfboard and Fite…sorry…TRILLER TV POWERED BY FITE, goes to a break. Really rolls off the tongue. Back with Anna still working the surfboard and a snap suplex follows. Jericho diplomatically says that Anna Jay has been floundering since leaving the JAS, which is a nice way of putting it I suppose. Velvet makes the comeback and stirs things up, but Anna hits her slam thing for two, which seemed like a clear three but whatever, and Velvet gets two while Daddy Magic comes out and provides distraction. Velvet takes him out, but Anna chokes her out at 8:34. An OK match that completely fell apart at the end. **

Meanwhile on Dynamite, we continue to learn who the Devil ISN’T. Look, mystery man angles only work when the payoff is really short term (WCW Halloween Phantom, the original “Max as the Devil” angle), or when the identity is known to everyone but the heels, and they just play it completely for laughs (Midnight Rider, Mr. America, The Machines). This one is more Aces & Eights or Black Scorpion at this point, built up for so long that there’s very few payoffs that could actually deliver. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Top Flight & Action Andretti v. Komander, Vikingo & Penta

Komander trades wristlocks with Dante to start and takes him down with a headscissors, but they trade gymnastics and Komander misses a dive and lands on his feet like a cat outside. Back in, they trade takedowns and battle to a stalemate. Over to Andretti and Vikingo, and Action lands on his feet out of a rana, but tries a springboard and gets caught. And they battle to their own stalemate. Darius goes with Penta next and the fans clearly side with Penta, so Darius gets all bowed up and they trade chops until Penta superkicks him. Penta with a sling blade and the luchadors clear the ring and follow with triple dives. Back in the ring, their triple-team Darius with kicks in the corner and Penta hits Made in Japan for two. Darius escapes the Fear Factor and Top Flight double-team Komander with a tornado DDT and dump him to the floor, and then we get triple dives from the babyfaces. Back in, Darius gets two on Vikingo. Top Flight works on Vikingo’s arm in their corner and Andretti gets a low dropkick for two. He goes to the chinlock as the crowd is evenly split between the teams now. Vikingo fights them off and hits a double amrdrag on Top Flight, and it’s back to Penta. He does a rollup on Andretti and rolls into a double DDT on Top Flight, and Komander comes in with a swnaton and DDT on Andretti. Dante with a GTS on Komander and then Vikingo gets his own on Dante, and then he springboards right up into a guillotine legdrop on Dante in a crazy spot. Penta with a superkick on Darius out of the corner and he follows with a spinning slam, but Andretti saves with a handspring elbow. So they start throwing crazy moves at each other and Dante slugs it out on the apron with Komander, but Dante goes up and lands on Penta’s codebreaker on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Andretti with a death valley driver on Penta on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then Darius hits Komander with a german suplex on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then Vikingo hits a Code Red on Darius on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then Penta does the topper of a destroyer on the apron on Dante, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and everyone is out cold on the floor. So after all that, Andretti and Penta trade chops and then everyone joins in for fun and they all just chop the shit out of each other and then it escalates into a SUPERKICK PARTY and everyone is out in the ring. Penta and Vikingo try dives, but walks into a pair of Spanish Flys, and Top Flight double-teams Komander into a spinning uranage from Dante to finish at 16:07. Push these guys to the FUCKING MOON. *****

This was obviously a one match show but HOLY CRAP did that one match deliver everything promised and then some. The whole sequence with the apron bumps was the craziest thing I’ve seen all year and justified the entire show. The rest was whatever, but absolutely go out of your way to check out the main event here.