The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 12.13.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 12.13.23

WINTER IS COMING

Well not in Saskatchewan yet thankfully.

I have been falling down the YouTube rabbit hole of Karens and sovereign citizens getting arrested on body cam and I never want to crawl out of it. This may soon replace pro wrestling as my favorite form of entertainment.

Live from Arlington, TX

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Samoa Joe joins us to start and he’s looking for answers. So he’s done his own research and found out that the beer bottle used last week was the favorite of Hangman Page, and the area smelled like “Stetson and disappointment” so really the clues only lead to one person. You guessed it, Frank Stallone. So Hangman joins us and clarifies that he doesn’t care about the bromance or Laser Tag or whodunnits. But then Roderick Strong comes out to annoy both guys and calls Hangman his “young boy”, and notes that everything points to Maxwell being the Devil.

Hangman Page v. Roderick Strong

So after all the accusations, Strong attacks and chops Page in the corner, but Hangman fires back and slugs away in the corner, and a standing shooting star gets two. Roddy fires back and stomps a mudhole in the corner to set up a backbreaker, which gets two. Strong with a chinlock but Page fights out and puts him down with a big boot and snap suplex for two. Strong drops a knee for two, but Page backdrops him onto the apron and puts him down with a lariat, then follows with a dive to the floor. Mike Bennett takes the ref and Taven trips up Page, allowing Strong to take over as we take a break. Back with Strong working the arm with a wristlock, but Page fights out and they clothesline each other for a double down. Page comes back and stomps his own mudhole, and a death valley driver gets two. They head to the top as Taven demands that Page “get him back down”, so he obliges with a powerbomb for two. Strong with a flapjack for two and a Tiger Driver for two. And he controls the leg and moves right into the Stronghold, but Page quickly makes the ropes. Hangman necks him and takes out Taven outside, but then has to deal with Bennett as well and can’t hit the Buckshot. So he takes them both out again and tries the Buckshot again on Strong, but gets caught in the Stronghold before reversing to a cradle for two. Deadeye finishes at 14:48. Dropping Strong right on his neck seems like it’s a big unfair but this was a hell of an opener. ***1/2

Continental Classic: Brody King v. Andrade El Idolo

Oh man WORLDS ARE COLLIDING as we get Blue League matches on Dynamite. Andrade is now managed by CJ Perry, who is wearing a leather catsuit to match his leather mask. Andrade tries a headlock to start and takes him down to the mat with it and hangs on pretty tenaciously. Brody escapes with a senton and they trade chops in the corner, but Andrade bails to the apron and necks him on the top rope. Flying bodypress gets two off that. They head to the floor and Andrade hits him with a moonsault press out there, and back in for two. They fight to the apron again and Brody chops him to the floor as we take a break. Back with Brody working a neck vice and they trade chops, but Andrade dropkicks the knee and sends Brody into the turnbuckles. Andrade comes back with dragon screws and a flying forearm, and he dodges a lariat from Brody and slams him to set up the moonsault for two. Double knees misses and King gets the lariat this time, for two. Cannonball gets two. They continue slugging it out, but Brody takes a big swing and walks into a back elbow from Andrade, knocking him out cold. They fight to the top rope and Andrade drops him onto the top turnbuckle this time, knocking him out a second time, and the Idolo DDT finishes at 14:50 to give Andrade 9 points. This was quite the hoss fight! ***1/2

Meanwhile, Kevin Von Erich and his sons join us, but Orange Cassidy stops by and needs a pair of partners for Rampage, and since they’re in Texas he figures that Ross and Marshall are a good choice. Danhausen is offended but someone who loves human monies as much as him should understand cashing in on the movie in Texas.

Chris Jericho and Kenny Omega join us, but they’re quickly interrupted by Big Bill & Ricky Starks. Bill points out that no one would be surprised if Jericho turns on Omega at any time, but Kenny makes fun of The Firm and says that Bill isn’t firm, he’s SAWFT. And then Jericho tries to come up with a team name for the champs, settling on “Big Billy Starks”, and then calls Starks a “better dressed version of Enzo Amore”. Harsh. So finally out of this godawful trainweck of a segment, we settle on them having a tag team title match at the PPV. Well at least it’s over now. I’ve had Covid twice and I’d rather live through another round of that than watch this segment ever again.

Ruby Soho v. Riho

Ruby appears to be wearing gear made out of Aubrey’s referee shirts for some reason. She slams Riho for two, but Riho rolls her up and hits the double stomp to send Ruby out of the ring. They fight to the top and Riho brings her down with the double stomp off the top, as we take a break. Back with Riho making a comeback and going up with a crossbody for two. Ruby drops her with a Saito suplex for two while we get some hilarious mugging from Toni Storm on commentary, in black and white of course. Riho with a crucifix bomb for two and she goes up for another double stomp, but Ruby hits the Riott Kick for two. Ruby with a guillotine, but Riho suplexes out of it for two and follows with a running double knee to finish at 7:50. They were rapidly approaching 8:00 so WBD was probably screaming at them to go home. **1/2

Meanwhile, Wardlow is still coming for MJF, much like everyone else in the promotion.

Continental Classic: Jay Lethal v. Rush

Rush needs to win to stay alive, and Lethal is of course eliminated as of last week. Lethal gets a corner clothesline and stops to strut about it, so Rush hits him with a knee strike and beats on him with chops. Lethal demands more, so Rush hits him even harder and stomps him down to set up a powerslam for two. They fight to the top and Lethal fights him off with chops, but Rush evades the elbow and so Lethal takes him down for a figure-four instead. Rush cradles for two off that and Lethal gets the enzuigiri, but he charges and Rush suplexes him into the corner. Lethal escapes with a superkick, but he tries the Lethal Injection and Rush chokes him out for the win at 4:24. He’s still salty about getting choked out last week I see. An entertaining sprint but not like a classic or anything. **1/2

Continental Classic: Jay White v. Mark Briscoe

Mark is not messing around tonight and immediately blitzes Jay and drops the froggy ‘bow on him, but Jay bails to escape and Briscoe chokes him out with the cable. Back in, Mark chops away on him, but White suplexes him onto the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and Mark bumps to the floor. Back in, White tries the blade runner but Mark escapes as we take a break. Back with Briscoe making a comeback and backdropping out of another Blade Runner attempt and makes the comeback with REDNECK KUNG FU. Also a sign at ringside alleges that Jay White puts pineapple on pizza, but to be fair I don’t think they even have pizza in New Zealand as far as I know. White escapes a powerbomb and they trade chops, and then fight to the top, where Briscoe brings him down with a Splash Mountain for two. Briscoe tries to finish, but Jay takes out the knee with a dragon screw and Mark cradles for two off that. Jay with a sleeper suplex, but Briscoe reverses another Blade Runner to a backdrop driver and goes up for another froggy ‘bow. But this time White gets the knees up and finishes with the Blade Runner at 11:22. So pretty soon we’ll be left with Briscoe v. Lethal to keep from being dead last I guess. ***1/4.

Continental Classic: Jon Moxley v. Swerve Strickland

The remaining time in the show seems to make the result obvious but I guess we’ll see. They fight for the lockup to start and Swerve gives him a little smooch and takes him down with a headscissors, so Moxley bails to think it over. Back in, Mox tries to go up and Swerve brings him down with a DDT for two. That was a nasty spot. They fight to the floor and Swerve chokes him out on the railing, but Moxley comes back with a lariat back in the ring and slugs away in the corner. Piledriver gets two. They fight on the floor and Mox runs him into the stairs and crotches him on the ring skirt as we take a break. Back with Swerve hitting a kneebreaker and he makes a comeback, but stops to dance and walks into the cutter for two. Mox with a Gotch piledriver for two. Swerve with a flatliner and brainbuster, but Mox pops up, so Swerve hits a bu saiku knee for two. Swerve with the head kicks and he goes up to finish, but Mox shoves him to the floor and Swerve has to beat the count back in again. But Moxley curb stomps him on the way in and that gets two, and he tries for a cross armbreaker and Swerve makes the ropes. So Mox grabs a chair outside and Swerve dives on him to break that up, and back in for the Swerve Stomp, which gets two. JML Driver is reversed by Mox for the pin at 16:14, giving him 12 points. Well slap my face and call me Suzie, I thought for sure they were doing a draw there. This was fantastic and continues to make Swerve into a huge babyface. ****1/2.

And then we close with Hangman getting attacked the Devil and his crew in the parking lot, as they slam him on a windshield and thus disqualify Hangman from being the culprit. Is there ANYONE who is still even remotely invested in this storyline at this point? We need the teleprompter from the Game Awards to tell them to WRAP IT UP PLEASE already.

This was a consistently good show, with one very notable exception, but they built up the show at the beginning by talking about all the awesome and memorable things that have happened at Winter Is Coming over the years and then…nothing happened here. We didn’t even get any followup on the Christian match from last week. This was good but not earth-shattering, which has kind of been the issue with AEW’s TV over the past few months in a nutshell.