The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 10.25.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 10.25.23

Live from Philadelphia, PA. Home of the National League champion…no wait it was the other team who won, my bad.

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Meanwhile, MJF tries to have a phone update from Adam Cole, but Roddy and his crew interrupt and accuse him of being the devil masked attacker again. So Max shoves the wheelchair away and then finishes his promo on Juice. Dammit I think Matt Taven and the giraffe are winning me over a bit.

Dynamite Diamond Ring: MJF v. ROCK HARD JUICE ROBINSON

Science question: Is Juice more rock hard than a diamond? Apparently Taz knows a guy in Philly who owned a pawn shop. Huge if true. MJF attacks in the corner and runs him out of the ring for a beating out there. Juice takes a great bump off the ringside table and goes flying, and Max follows with a running boot that puts Juice into the front row. Catapult into the post and Juice lives up to his name by bleeding. Not taking steroids. MJF sets up Juice for an American History X stomp on the stairs, but the Gunns thankfully save Juice’s life, and Juice takes over with a DDT on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Wait, is the apron harder than ROCK HARD Juice Robinson? I’m gonna need a decision from science. Juice chokes him out and slugs away on the mat while we take a break. Back with Jay White joining the commentary desk while MJF comes back with the scarf choke and then beats on the cut in the corner. This sets up a blood-covered KANGAROO KICK and Juice is done, but he bails to the floor to escape the certain pin. So the Gunns trip up MJF and Juice hits a leg lariat for two. They slug it out and Max goes to the eyes, but Juice spits nasty blood in his face and follows with a powerbomb for two. MJF puts him on the apron and tries the Heatseeker, but Juice takes out the knee, so Max takes out the Gunns with a dive. Juice with a low blow behind the ref’s back and the DDT gets two. More nonsense from the Gunns distracts the ref, but MJF loads up the diamondg, knocks everyone out, and finishes with the Heatseeker at 15:04. The beatdown from the Bullet Club follows, but Roderick Strong makes the most pathetic save attempt possible before the Acclaimed has to make the real save. But then the Ass Boys want a shot at the ROH tag team titles at Full Gear, which MJF grants, and they also agree to do the 8 man nest week for the belt. So Roddy and his crew assume they’re going to be the partners, and MJF shoots that one down. So then the Acclaimed also want the spot, but MJF assures them that he would never team with Max Caster in a million years. “So you’re saying there’s a chance?” Even my wife laughed at that one. But then on the way back to the dressing room, Kenny Omega stops by and challenges MJF to a World title match on Collision before MJF sets the record.

Well that was quite the opening segment.

Meanwhile, a very bitter Wardlow has been sitting at home watching MJF be World Champion after losing to Wardlow. He doesn’t like it.

Hook & Rob Van Dam v. The Dark Order

The faces double-team Reynolds in the corner to start, but Silver beats on RVD to take over, but the F’N Hookers clear the ring and we take a break. RVD gets a hot tag as we return and throws kicks on the Dark Order to set up Rolling Thunder on Silver for two. Northern lights suplex on Reynolds gets two, but Silver saves. So it’s back to Hook and he beats on Silver with crossfaces until Reynolds breaks it up. This brings Uno in with a chair, but Rob takes care of him and hits Reynolds with the frog splash, and Hook finishes Silver with redrum at 8:00. Just kind of a match. **

Sting & Darby Allin join Tony for whatever the big surprise gift is. Sting puts Darby over as the best partner he’s ever had, and then Tony brings out the special gift….RIC FLAIR. Could have used that one two weeks ago. He’s here to ride the wagon with Sting all the way to the end, but Christian interrupts and he’s not impressed with the gift. He also goes with the cheapshot at the Phillies. What kind of a hack does cheap sports trolling? Christian wants Sting gone right now and he doesn’t want to wait until Revolution and challenges him to a six-man at Full Gear. Even though Ric Flair is one superkick away from his pacemaker failing and turning him to dust. Sting is apparently allergic to jackasses but still agrees to the match. Man if he’s allergic than he’s in the wrong city. Must be miserable for him there.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho sits down with Renee to provide a medical update. His ego hurts the most, but he’s got friends bigger than Hobbs and it’s time to give them a call.

ROH Six-Man titles: The Hung Bucks v. The Hardy Boyz & Brother Zay

The graphic this week for the Bucks is “Very ill-prepared and feeling unattractive”. I feel like there’s a reference in there somewhere that I’m missing. The Bucks double-team Zay in the corner and Page comes in with a flying clothesline, but Matt Hardy gets a side effect on Matt Jackson for two. Zay hits the other two with a dive as we take a break. Back with Matt Jackson making the comeback with a double northern lights suplex and Hangman gets the hot tag and he runs wild. Death valley driver on Zay gets two. Jeff Hardy assists with the Silly String to allow Zay to come back with a DDT, but Nick comes in and superkicks everything that moves. Zay fires back with his own and dives onto the Bucks again. Jeff with the Twist of Fate on Matt and the swanton gets two. Matt Hardy escapes the Meltzer, but the Bucks can’t get it together, so Hangman hits Zay with the Buckshot instead and the BTE trigger finishes Zay at 10:04. Weirdly heatless and meandering but Zay was great here. ***.

Afterwards, Swerve and Nana show up at Hangman’s home and break in for a tour…which ends up with Swerve teasing a kidnapping of Hangman’s baby but then changing his mind and leaving a t-shirt instead. Well, we haven’t had a good baby kidnapping angle in…..oh, I’d say a good 24 years or so! Always a classic.

Meanwhile, Adam Copeland still doesn’t want to fight Christian, but Darby and Sting stop by and try to convince him otherwise.

AEW Women’s title: Hikaru Shida v. Ruby Soho

They trade chops to start and Shida gets a bad looking crossbody out of the corner, but Ruby hits an STO for two. Shida counters into a crucifix and rolls her around the ring for two. Missile dropkick puts Ruby on the floor and they fight out there as we take a break. Back with Shida slugging away on her and getting a torture rack, and a sliding elbow gets two. Shida goes up and gets slammed off for two. So then Ruby brings in the paint and tries to frame Shida, which allows her to hit Destination Unknown for two. Ruby tries to take her into an exposed turnbuckle, but Shida gets the katana kick for two. Knee strike and falcon arrow gets two, but Ruby reverses for two. But then Shida kicks her into the exposed steel and kicks her again to finish at 9:18. Bit too much of the gaga piled on here. **1/2.

And this sets up a slow motion walk-in by Timeless Toni Storm in black and white to challenge for the PPV.

Meanwhile, Renee checks on MJF in the back, but Samoa Joe interrupts and offers to be his tag team partner…in exchange for a rematch.

Orange Cassidy & Kazuchika Okada v. Bryan Danielson & Claudio Castagnoli

Orange and Bryan trade headlocks on the mat, but Claudio comes in and slams Orange a few times to get him all riled up. You know who else was fond of doing bodyslams? CM PUNK. Over to Okada, and Danielson wants none of that as the BCC continues to do their weird tweener act. So Okada slugs it out with Claudio, and then Orange comes in and gets dropped on the top rope as we take a break. Back with Orange playing face in peril and Claudio cuts off the ring, but Orange comes back with a DDT. Hot tag Okada, and it’s over to Bryan as well, and they have their showdown finally. Okada drops the elbow on him for two, but Danielson stomps the arm and gets the Lebell Lock. They trade cradles off that and Bryan escapes the Rainmaker and they collide for a double down. Orange comes in with a bodypress on Claudio and Okada boots them over for two. So then Orange throws the kicks on Claudio, but Claudio catches him in the Giant Swing. Orange spins out of that and into the stunner, and follows with the DDT for two. Orange Punch is countered into the Giant Swing, however, and into the Sharpshooter, but Okada saves. Okada goes up with the flying elbow, which gives us the most brilliant visual gag in years, as Okada does the Rainmaker pose with the camera zoom out, followed by Orange doing the Best Friends hug with THAT camera zoom out, but Danielson absorbs a Rainmaker and Orange Punch and allows Claudio to level Orange with the uppercut and pin him at 17:00. And apparently everyone is hurt afterwards, with Danielson selling some kind of jaw injury and Orange still knocked out, as the various factions have a showdown to end the show. Hell of a main event. ****

Next week: Claudio gets his shot at Orange Cassidy’s International title.

Well this was certainly not a boring episode of television, you have to give it that. Perhaps it’s time to lay off the old guys for a while, though.