The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 10.18.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 10.18.23

Stuck in a hotel room during my work conference in the pouring rain of Vancouver, so let’s review some Dynamite. Last year I had to do it on a Chromebook, which was…not ideal. At least this year I brought my actual Macbook, so it’s time for the FITE TV version of the show.

Live from Houston, TX

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Penta el Zero Miedo v. Jay White

In the most amazing Bullet Club detail ever, Card-Blade now has his own fake AEW World title belt. Penta cannonballs the Bang Bang Gang with a dive before the bell, but he misses White, so he has to take him out with a sling blade on the floor instead. Back in with a flying double stomp for two. WHAT ABOUT CARDBLADE? SOMEONE CHECK ON CARDBLADE! Penta with a backstabber out of the corner for two and White bails to the floor, but he tries a sneak attack and Penta rolls him up for two. White drops him with a DDT out of the corner, for two. White with a neckbreaker for two. Snap suplex gets two. Jay puts the boots to Penta and ties the mask to the ropes, with a knot so bad that even the announcers are scoring off him. Do they not have Boy Scouts in New Zealand? Or shoelaces? Like, Jay wears wrestling boots and he literally has to lace them up and TIE A KNOT so I’m mystified why he couldn’t manage this one. White suplexes Penta into the corner for two and goes to a chinlock while the announcers declare chicanery, shenanigans, AND tomfoolery is occurring on the floor. White suplexes Penta onto the top rope and puts him on the floor as this match has been shockingly heatless thus far. Is everyone just waiting for the Rampape taping to see Sin Cara? Because that would be the only time in history where the audience ignored the main show and then got hot for Rampage. Jay with an inverted deathlock, but Penta makes the ropes and fights back to make the comeback. Sling blade puts White on the floor and he hits him with the dive this time around. Back in the ring for the glove throw and they trade chops, but White protests that Penta has chest protection. So Penta takes off his shirt and Jay throws the chops again, but Penta won’t go down. So White dropkicks the knee instead, but Penta hits him with a wacky twisting death valley driver for two. White with the uranage and a brainbuster for two. White with the sleeper suplex, but Penta counters the Blade Runner into Made in Japan for two. But then the Bang Bang Gang takes the ref and Juice hits Penta with the Left Hand of God and the Blade Runner finishes at 13:30. This one was pretty rough going for a while but ended up pretty good. ***.

Afterwards, Jay clarifies that MJF is the one who sucks and he’s not even here tonight and still can’t find 3 friends to face him in a fair fight. And then Juice is going to win the Dynamite Diamond Ring and PAWN IT to finance another gold tooth. Wouldn’t he be better off just melting it down and using the gold for the tooth? I mean, I guess the first way is more diabolical?

Meanwhile, MJF joins Renee backstage and he points out that he could have run out like “every other dumb good guy in the history of wrestling” but that would be stupid. So he’s gonna wait until next week and then knock out Juice with the ring. But the Acclaimed interrupt and Max is still coming on too strong.

World title Eliminator: Hikaru Shida v. Emi Sakura

They trade chops to start and Emi tries the crossbody in the corner, but Shida boots her out of the air and gets a wacky rolling crucifix for two. Shida goes up and misses a dropkick, and Emi gets the crossbody on the second try to take over. Shida fights back with chops, but Emi rakes the eyes and hits the delayed backbreaker, so delayed they should call it Ubisoft’s Skull and Bones. That gets two. Also that game apparently has a release date of March 2024, which I’ll believe when it happens. Sakura chops her down for two and they collide on a clothesline attempt. Sakura sends her to the apron and puts Shida on the floor with another crossbody, but Shida hits her with a rana into the apron and back in with a missile dropkick that gets two. They trade rollups for two and Sakura hits a Tiger Driver for two. She goes up with a moonsault that misses, and Shida hits the Katana Kick, which only gets one. Sakura with the cradle for two. Shida catches her with the backbreaker and takes her down into an armbar, but Sakura rolls out of that, so Shida hits the falcon arrow for two. Katana Kick finishes at 8:48. Another one that started slow but got great after they started hitting the big moves following the break. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Renee sits down with Adam Copeland, who is still confused about why Christian seemingly changed his mind about ending their career together. So Adam tells the origin story of their friendship and their early days in the business together and how Christian always felt overshadowed by himself. And in fact Adam thinks that Christian would be “working an IT job in Ontario and wondering what if” if he hadn’t been the one to take all the chances of Christian’s behalf over the years. But Adam doesn’t want the TNT title and he doesn’t want to fight Christian, but he knows that eventually Luchasaurus is going to turn on him and he’ll be the one to pick Christian up. That came off a bit arrogant actually.

Wardlow v. Ryan Nemeth

Your usual powerbomb stoppage at 0:26. So Tony stops by the ring to ask Wardlow’s intentions, but Wardlow just holds up a wrist with “MJF” written on the tape and shoves Tony aside.

Meanwhile, Kenny Omega is starting with Kyle Fletcher this week and moving onto the rest of the Don Callis family before heading towards the World title again. So MJF interrupts and reminds Kenny that it’s only 13 days until he surpasses his reign. Well that’s helpful of MJF.

Meanwhile, at Chez Neck-Strong, Adam Cole makes the coffee too hot, which Roddy HATES. But he LOVES PB&J, so we get a sexy montage of Adam making sandwiches like back in the day. But this is finally enough for Adam and he leaves to get his surgery after weeks of delaying it, and now Roddy has no choice left but to be nice to MJF. MJF is certainly feuding with a whole lot of people at the moment.

Don Callis joins Tony in the ring, to the disgust of everyone including Tony. So Hobbs reveals that he had a bad fan interaction with Jericho 25 years ago and he’s been hanging onto it ever since. So now Hobbs is a KILLING MACHINE now and Don is going to unleash him on anyone in their way. Oh also Kyle Fletcher is a scab who screwed the family because he couldn’t get the job done, which brings out Kyle to protest. So Kyle claims that Don actually begged him to take that spot last time, which sounds kind of sus if we’re being honest, but Don likes the confidence being shown and offers Kyle another chance. As long as he can beat Kenny Omega.

Kenny Omega v. Kyle Fletcher

Kyle attacks to start and chokes out Kenny on the ropes, but Kenny fires back with chops in the corner until Kyle takes him down and slugs away on the mat. Kenny fights back with a suplex and Fletcher bails to the floor, so Kenny hits him with a dive while Callis still doesn’t sound particularly supportive of Fletcher on commentary. They fight on the floor and Kyle runs Kenny into the railing. Back in, Kenny gets a rana and Fletcher bumps to the floor off that, so Kenny tries the Terminator Dive and Fletcher pulls him to the floor for another brawl out there. Kenny misses a cannonball and runs himself into the railing as a result. They fight into the front row while Callis gets a funny line on commentary where he declares that “he doesn’t know about having losses” because it never happens to him. Just perfect delivery there. Back in the ring, they slug it out and Fletcher slams Omega for two. Kenny fights back with a clothesline and the Polish Hammers to set up You Can’t Escape, but Fletcher escapes that. So Kenny waits him out on the floor and hits him with a moonsault out there instead. Back in the ring, Kenny dropkicks the back for two. Backbreaker sets up a V-Trigger, but Fletcher counters with a suplex and a brainbuster for two. Fletcher with a running Snake Eyes and a Michinoku Driver for two. Fletcher with his own V-Trigger, but Kenny fires back with the poison rana and powerbomb into the knee strike for two. Another V-Trigger attempt is countered into a dragon sleeper this time, but Kenny rolls him over for two. Kenny with the snapdragon, but Fletcher gets a superkick, so Kenny hits the V-Trigger and One Winged Angel to put him away at 13:00. And then Callis immediately turns on Fletcher and calls him a “miserable disappointment who should just quit the business”. I don’t think he’s getting a job with Callis out of this one. ****1/4

Meanwhile, Danhausen remains very nice but very evil.

Lance Archer v. Barrett Brown

Well time to reheat Archer for two weeks again before ignoring him for 4 months at a time. I’m always amused by Justin Roberts announcing him as “kicking his opponent down the ramp”. Archer chokeslams the geek on the apron and into the ring for a suplex across the ring and the Blackout to finish at 1:00.

Meanwhile, Prince Nana takes Swerve to a happy place, but Swerve isn’t happy. Because of HANGMAN PAGE.

Sting joins Tony to discuss his future, apparently. So Sting has a word on his mind, which makes him think about the legends of the past he used to hang with. Hulk Hogan unsurprisingly gets booed, but Houston still likes Ric Flair. So he admits that he retired in 2015, but now it’s time address retirement again. He announces that his very last match will be at Revolution 2024, and this time it’s for sure. I thought for sure this was setting up an angle, but nope.

Meanwhile, it’s the world premiere of Gone With the Storm, featuring RJ City in a supporting role as a producer. Sadly he offers a pearl necklace and gets slapped, but he meant the jewelry. Could this mean a retro revival for silent film? You never know with these wacky TikTok kids.

Meanwhile, Nick Wayne sits down with his mom and JR, and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM. Man, an 18 year old kid who acts like an entitled douchebag and thinks he knows everything, what a fresh character. Luckily Christian is there to be Nick’s new dad, but Darby Allin attacks them both. This was…not great.

Darby and Nick continue their fight into the arena and down the ramp, but Sting saves and takes out the heels before putting Christian in the Scorpion.

Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy didn’t fully appreciate what he had until he lost the International title, but now he does. Unfortunately I can’t imagine anyone bothering to watch Battle of the Belts with that weak-ass card.

Dynamite Dozen Battle Royale:

We’ve got Juice Robinson, and eleven other guys who likely won’t factor into this thing because it’s super obvious who’s winning. Johnny TV has been thawed out for this one and he puts Matt Sydal out right away with a headscissors and then stops to dance. Daniel Garcia wants a dance off, but Daddy Magic does NOT. Dustin tosses out Johnny at 1:12. Matt Hardy dives onto Jake Hager and gets tossed out at 2:00. So MJF leaves the desk and offers Dustin $100 to take out Juice, so Dustin gives Juice the Shattered Dreams. Taz would have done it for $50 apparently. Everyone slugs it out with some dull battle royale stuff with absolutely nothing going on during the TBS commercial break. Kommander gets a comeback and then Daddy Magic tosses him out at 7:00 while MJF clarifies that he used to like Max Caster but now he’s a scissoring weirdo. Dustin hits Juice with a Canadian Destroyer and gets a Best Friends hug with Trent, but Hager breaks that up. So Trent sends him out at 8:00. Menard and Trent slug it out on the apron until Garcia saves and they knock Trent out at 8:55. Garcia dumps Jeff Hardy at 9:14. Danny just wants to dance again, but Daddy Magic again stops him from expressing his funk. MJF notes that his kangaroo gimmick is different because it’s way more over. Garcia manages to throw out Dustin Rhodes at 10:20, and then Daddy Magic at 10:35, but he goes after Juice and gets thrown out at 10:46. So we’re down to Max Caster and Juice Robinson after 11 minutes of nothing. MJF is not excited to fight either of this guys next week. Caster gets Juice to the apron and hits him with superkicks, but he charges and Juice cuts him off. They fight for a suplex and then head to the top rope, but Caster sends him down and drops the mic. Jay White attacks MJF and they fight at the entrance while no one pays attention to the match in the ring, and in fact Juice loads up the ring and knocks out Caster to win at 14:18. I mean, logical booking is fine, but there was literally no chance of anyone else but Juice winning that thing and it just felt so pointless as a result.

First hour was pretty great, but everything after Omega v. Fletcher can easily be skipped for my money. Not a particularly memorable anniversary episode at all.