The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.31.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.31.24

So I’m back from vacation and no one died that I know of. I did get screamed at by a homeless guy in a McDonalds bathroom on the way out of Edmonton, but that’s just part of the experience I think.

Live from Greenville, SC

Your hosts are Taz, Excalibur & Tony Schiavone

American champion MJF joins us to start, looking very patriotic and setting Greenville straight on how they’re stupid meth-addicted hicks. That new belt is pretty sharp, you have to give it that. So Will Ospreay hits the ring and MJF runs away, while Ospreay puts over the legacy of the International title, but there’s a weird vibe from the crowd, who start chanting “USA”, and then MJF sics Lance Archer on him.

Will Ospreay v. Lance Archer

Archer immediately chokeslams him and hits him with elbows in the corner. Archer offers a free shot and then beats Will down with elbows, but Ospreay knocks him out of the ring with the handspring kick and follows with the SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP. But Lance catches him and slams him on the floor and then runs him into the railing. Back in, Ospreay comes in with a springboard dropkick for two, bur Archer chokeslams him again as we take a break. Back with Archer catching him with a Bossman slam for two. Spinebuster gets two. Ospreay fights back with a C4, but Archer stomps him down in the corner and tries a chokeslam from the top rope, which Ospreay turns into a Spanish Fly for two. Archer counters the Hidden Blade with a lariat for two. Ospreay goes up and Archer cuts him off with a high knee, so Ospreay hits a tornado DDT and Hidden Blade…for one. So Will takes off the elbow pad, hits it again, and that gets the pin at 11:30. When Ospreay is allowed to wrestle and get himself over it works 100% of the time, but the promo battles with MJF aren’t doing him any favors. Great big man v. little man TV match. ***1/2. Afterwards, MJF hits the ring and loads up his diamond ring, but Kyle Fletcher makes the save and chases Max away. And then we get Kyle Fletcher Promo Time as he apologizes to Don Callis for helping Ospreay because that’s his best friend and he goes on an impressive rant about wanting to punch MJF in the face, but MJF wants to wait until next week. I like Fletcher but this whole thing felt like one addition too many and should have been saved for later in the show.

Meanwhile, Big Bill presents Jericho with a cake for 102 days as FTW champion, and Jericho points out that a cake has never escaped a wrestling show without getting smashed in someone’s face. But NOT TONIGHT.

Willow Nightingale v. Kris Statlander

This is the only thing less exciting than a CMLL Women’s title match…an ELIMINATOR match for a shot at the CMLL Women’s title! Statlander comes in with a missile dropkick and beats on Willow in the corner. They trade rollups and Willow gets the fisherman’s suplex for two. They fight to the floor and Stat runs her into the railing as we take a break. Back with Willow hitting a spinebuster for two, but Stat hits her with an electric chair drop and axe kick for two. They fight to the apron and Willow gets a death valley driver out there and then goes after Stokely, but Kris nails her from behind. Back in, Statlander tries a missile dropkick and Willow powerbombs her for two. DDT gets two. They fight to the top and Statlander brings her down for a 450, which gets two. So Stat finds a chain with the help of Stoke, and a metallic lariat finishes at 9:44 to give Staltnader a shot at the prestigious CMLL Women’s title. Good match, standard stuff for the angle. ***

Bryan Danielson joins us to put over Greenville and talk about being present and appreciating what he has. And he promised his family that he would never sign another wrestling contract, and that contract ends tomorrow. So he promises that he’s going to give 100% at Wembley and give everything he has, although notably he doesn’t promise to win the World title because a babyface breaking that promise is always terrible booking. So Swerve interrupts and points out that Bryan lost against Ospreay, while he won, and also Bryan couldn’t even make it to London last year because he was too broken down. And after Wembley, Bryan may never walk again. So Bryan promises that if he doesn’t win the AEW World title, he’ll never wrestle again. And now it finally gives the match the stakes that it needed.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and his circus cheer Bryan on, but Bryan wants a match next week instead.

Rush, The Beast Mortos & Roderick Strong v. Orange Cassidy, Tomohiro Ishii & Mark Briscoe

Big brawl to start and Orange plays El Matador with Mortos, but gets speared out of the ring. Ishii trades mean guy stuff with Mortos and puts him down with a suplex, and it’s over to Rush. Rush and Ishii slug it out and then Briscoe comes in and hits everyone with dives off the apron as we take a break. Back with Orange making a comeback and making the hot tag to Briscoe and he runs wild. Over to Ishii, who throws suplexes on the heels and gets the Sliding D on Strong for two. They fight to the floor and Rush takes forever and then hits everyone with a dive while Strong gets a tiger driver on Ishii for two. Everyone comes in and throws bombs, but Mortos hits Briscoe with a piledriver and pins him at 11:20. Fun match but it didn’t feel particularly important. ***

Meanwhile, the Acclaimed beef with FTR and challenge them to a match on Collision. Which again leads me to wonder if the Young Bucks are EVER going to defend the tag team titles?

Meanwhile, Mariah May sits down with Renee, and she notes that Toni told her that the business would eat her alive, but now she’s the one eating. And then Toni Storm comes out and does an unhinged promo on Mariah before beating on her own head with the shoe.

Kamille v. Brittany Jade

Kamille quickly blitzes Jade in the corner and hits her with a Rough Ryder, and then finishes with a big boot and Dominator at 1:14. They’ve gotta get Mercedes to stop wearing the giant heels around Kamille because it’s killing the giant gimmick.

Hangman Page v. Darby Allin

They quickly head to the floor and Page catches a coffin drop attempt and slams him on the floor with a german suplex. They head to the top of the ramp and Darby comes back with a stunner and climbs the tunnel, with a coffin drop that hits this time. And we take a break. Back with Darby hitting a crossbody for two, but the lights go out for some reason and they head to the floor. Darby dives off the stairs, but Page catches him and repeatedly powerbombs him on the apron and we take another break. Back with Hangman hitting a fallaway slam off the top rope, but they head back to the floor and Darby SWEEPS THE LEG on the stairs and hits Page with a tope suicida. Back in, Darby hits him with a pair of corner splashes, but Hangman puts him down with a lariat for two to block Darby’s own version of the Buckshot. Page with a Last Ride for two. And he picks Darby up and delivers a pair of Deadeyes, but Darby collapses to evade the Buckshot. But then Hangman goes for one more powerbomb and Darby reverses him into a rollup for the pin at 20:10. Thought this one had potential but the terrible crowd kind of killed it off. Also I’m sick of Darby Allin and that’s apparently going to be a problem since he’s getting ALL OF THE TITLE SHOTS in the next two months. ***

I thought this was a pretty mid, forgettable episode, although they were definitely putting in the work to hype up All In with a month to go. But man, the lack of a tag team division is really striking right now, as the tag belts have been on ice for months with the Bucks and I guess it’s one of those meta things where we’re supposed to be mad at the heels for not defending them, but now it’s spilling over into me being mad at the real people for not defending them. Give me some party matches in the midcard!