The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.08.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.08.24

Live from Edmonton, AB, who can go SCREW THEMSELVES until the playoffs are over.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Excalibur

Adam Copeland is having kind of bad day, so tonight it’s a no DQ match against Brody King so he can work out his aggressions.

Orange Cassidy v. Trent Beretta

Thankfully there’s a guy in the front row with some CLASS, in the form of a Canucks jersey, unlike the rest of the animals in the city. Orange quickly throws Trent to the floor and beats on him outside, but Trent puts him down with a clothesline while the crowd informs him that he screwed Chuck. They fight into the crowd of smelly Oilers fans and Trent tries for a springboard off the railing, but Orange trips him up and he takes a nasty bump on the LED board. Back in the ring, Trent hits the flying knee, but Orange pops up and hits the Orange Punch for the double down. But this brings out Don Callis as we take a break. Back with Orange making a comeback with a DDT to set up the Orange Punch, but Trent catches him with the half and half suplex to counter. Trent with a piledriver and the crowd still thinks he sucks, and then Trent hits a second piledriver to annoy them more. Good, they deserve it for supporting the wrong team. Trent with the running knee and he exposes a turnbuckle to try for revenge, but Orange sneaks behind the ref’s back and exposes his own turnbuckle, and then rams Trent into it and cradles him for the pin at 13:00. That was a good finish. Match was a bit low key but they’re probably saving it for later. **1/2. Afterwards, Trent attacks on the floor and hits him with a piledriver on the stairs and then catapults him under the ring frame in a unique spot. But then Don leaves the announce desk and goes to “protect” Orange Cassidy, still playing the long con.

Meanwhile, the Elite have some parking spot issues, so they steal Tony Khan’s spot instead.

Meanwhile, Kenny Omega does a promo from the ER, booking Anarchy in the Arena for Double or Nothing, with the Elite against FTR and another pair of mystery opponents who will be revealed tonight.

Serena Deeb joins Tony and talks about suffering a series of strokes and injuries, making sure she’s a babyface, but Toni Storm interrupts and throws money at the charity case. And the crowd still cheers Toni! That’s cold, Edmonton. And then Deeb knocks her out with a cheapshot, which probably doesn’t help. Yeah this was kind of a disaster.

Meanwhile, Rocky Romero checks on Orange backstage, and announces that they can get a Trios title match if he can beat Jay White tonight.

Harley Cameron v. Mariah May

Harley gets some kicks in the corner and a running knee for two while we get weird cuts to the crowd for some reason, but Mariah comes back with a sideslam and dropkick. But Harley kicks her to the floor and we take a break. Back with them colliding for a double down and they do a slugfest, but May gets a short powerbomb for two. Mariah with a headbutt and she goes up with a dropkick, but Saraya saves Harley from the hip attack. Harley with a cradle for two, but Mayday finishes at 9:00. Nice to see her actually get a win for once. Match wasn’t terrible for someone having her first national TV match and they might have something with Harley with more experience. *1/2, but I’m probably underrating it. Crowd woke up bigtime and was super hot for Mariah May, though, which is shocking after the Deeb-Storm segment nearly killed the town.

Meanwhile, Pac isn’t concerned with Death Triangle right now, but the Bang Bang Gang interrupt and mock his inability to get the job done against Okada, unlike Jay White and his million belts.

Meanwhile, Malakai Black promises to kill off all the stuff that’s making Adam Copeland weak and soft. Like being a Leafs fan, I’m thinking.

Swerve Strickland joins us and he’s pissed off and ready to fight. Also he declares himself the Connor McDavid of professional wrestling. Now he’s just trolling me. So Christian interrupts to put Edmonton in their place by correctly calling game 1’s result, and soon Swerve will only be left with his gold teeth, unless Christian decides to take them too. But then the Mogul Embassy comes out to back Swerve up, although I was kind of hoping for Keith Lee to be his secret backup to finally finish that storyline for good. Swerve makes reference to the kids and their rap musics in a current events story that I have no idea about because I couldn’t name a Drake song if you put a gun to my head, but apparently it’s a vicious burn so good for him. Anyway, in fact Swerve probably wishes he had gone with Keith, because Nana’s guys turn on him and completely destroy him, powerbombing him off the stairs and through the announce table. AND NOW WHERE WILL DON CALLIS SIT?!?

Meanwhile, the EVPs applaud the carnage and I think give it ****1/2, with the subtext being they were pulling the strings on the turn.

Jay White v. Rocky Romero

OK that Bullet Club music kind of slaps, I’m into it. Rocky blitzes him to start and sends him to the floor for a dive, and then back in for a rana, but he runs into a lariat from Jay as we take a break. Back with Jay bailing to the floor, but Rocky comes back and reverses the sleeper suplex into a cradle for two. Blade Runner is reversed into a backslide for two, and the Sliced Bread gets two. But then White finishes him off with the Blade Runner at 7:07. A very fun match that was exactly what it should have been. **1/2. The Bang Bang Gang does the beatdown afterwards, but Pac makes the very angry save.

Meanwhile, Samoa Joe is the one who creates the fear.

Chris Jericho & Big Bill v. Mo Jabari & Harlon Abbot

Jabari gets a couple of takedowns on the smiling Jericho, but Bill comes in and wallops him before tossing him across the ring. Over to Abbot, and he also gets promptly murdered by Bill and hit with the Bossman slam. Chokeslam for Mo, chokeslam for Abbot, and Jericho finishes with the Judas Effect at 2:30. That was a more humiliating beating than the Canucks scoring 4 unanswered goals to beat the Oilers tonight! I’m gonna be honest, I saw some holes in Bill’s game that would probably benefit from the Learning Tree. So Chris says it’s great to come back to Calgary (OOPS) and then corrects himself and apologizes for the mistake, turning into a LEARNING TREE MOMENT. He’d be happy to wrestle every week on Dynamite for the whole two hours if he could! OK this guy has won me over and completely turned the gimmick around on us. I can admit when I was wrong. Much like Jericho! So yeah, he brags about getting the highest rating on Cagematch against Shibata. But next week Hook returns, and Jericho is totally happy about it.

TNT title: Adam Copeland v. Brody King

Brody goes after the neck right away and we take a break, and return with Brody beating on Adam on the floor, but Cope comes back with a chair, continuing to tap into the dark side. Adam smashes him into a chair on the apron, the HARDEST PART OF THE RING, busting Brody open, and he wedges a chair in the corner after breaking off a piece of metal, but Brody hits him with a lariat and sends Adam into his own chair as we take another break. Back with Brody trying the hanging sleeper in the corner, but Copeland flips him out of that and they collide for the double down. Brody with the cannonball for two off that, but Copeland reverses the Ganzo Bomb into the Copeland O Matic. Spear is caught and reversed to a piledriver by Brody. But Adam guts it out and hits a death valley driver on the apron, and then spears Brody off the apron and through a handy table. Back in with a spear to finish at 17:00. Hell of a fight here. ****. Brody continues the attack, but Kyle O’Reilly makes the Canadian save, while Copeland makes sure to protect his TNT title belt first and foremost.

Meanwhile, Mercedes Mone talks about all the training she’s doing and basketball games she’s attending, and she’s gonna wipe the smile off Willow’s face. She really needs Stokely to turn heel and talk for her.

Meanwhile, Adam Copeland welcomes the help from Kyle O’Reilly, but Kyle requests a title match in Vancouver. Man that’s kinda not cool on Kyle’s part.

The Elite join us, having requested an overrun to share an important message. The Bucks are sorry for injuring Tony Khan, but he couldn’t get out of his own way. So they accept the Anarchy in the Arena but are confident that FTR can’t find partners. So FTR comes out and presents their partners: Eddie Kingston and Bryan Danielson! And the brawl is on as we wrap up the show.

Can we safely call this one a comeback win, like the Canucks tonight, to end as a BANGER of an episode? Maybe I’m just in a good mood because of my team shutting up my drunken Oiler “4-0 Edmonton Sweep” friends, but I believe we can.