The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.03.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.03.24

Delayed by a day because I went to Queens of the Stone Age on Wednesday night and those 11pm concert endings are for the young people! Apparently we got an S-Tier setlist last night according to Reddit, but I was waiting for Feel Good Hit of the Summer all night and never got it. However, the Struts were one of the best openers I’ve ever seen so it was already a win before QOTSA even took the stage.

Anyway I’ve managed to avoid spoilers all day by virtue of being at work and all, so I’m going into this blind, just in case.

Live from Worcester, MA

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Adam Copeland joins us to start, and he’s sick of all the negative BS and wants to talk about positive stuff. He watched WWF, NWA and Stampede growing up! All Star Wrestling out of BC! Man I wouldn’t have bet on Al Tomko’s promotion getting a shoutout. And he’s here to end his career and face a murderer’s row of great wrestlers, and now he’s having the most fun of his career. And he’s here to celebrate the Elite and Tony Khan, and remind us that AEW is where the best wrestle. And speaking of which…

Will Ospreay v. Powerhouse Hobbs

They charge each other to start and Ospreay goes flying off him, but dropkicks the knee and gets a standing moonsault for two. Hobbs slugs him down, but Ospreay clotheslines him to the floor and follows with a dive. But then he tries a dive off the railing and Hobbs catches him in a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Trump’s trial schedule, and Hobbs drops him on the stairs in a painful looking bump. Hobbs with some slams on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then he bounces Will off the announce table as we take a break. Back with Ospreay making a comeback with an enzuigiri and corkscrew kick off the handspring. Springboard forearm gets two. They get into a slugfest in the corner and Ospreay slaps him and then realizes his mistake with a wacky grin, leading to Hobbs suplexing him across the ring. Ospreay with a stunner, but Hobbs just clubs him with a lariat to block the Os-cutter and a powerslam gets two. Hobbs goes up and misses a frog splash, but will still can’t hit the cutter, so he winds up and hits it on a second try with more momentum. That gets two. Hobbs counters the Hidden Blade with a slam attempt, but Ospreay cradles for two. So Hobbs clubs him with another lariat and Will does the Marty Jannetty sell off that. Hobbs with a corner clothesline as Ospreay ragdolls himself, and Hobbs takes him out of the corner with a top rope powerslam for two. But then Ospreay counters a slam into a DDT, goes up with a Sky Twister Press, and the Hidden Blade finishes at 13:20. Luckily Don Callis is able to make peace between his family. Whew. Super fun big man v. little man opener. ***1/2.

Bryan Danielson v. Lance Archer

Archer quickly attacks and beats on Bryan in the corner before whipping him around the ring. Bryan goes for the knee to take him down and beats on his leg with kicks, but Archer pulls him to the floor and then grabs some poor goof from ringside and slams him onto Danielson on the floor! We take a break and return with Bryan making a comeback with chops, but Archer hits him with a bodypress to put him down again. Archer tries a bearhug and Bryan reverses into a guillotine and then takes him down into the Lebell Lock, but Archer makes the ropes and escapes to the floor. So Bryan hits him with a knee from the apron. Back in the ring for the kicks, but Archer catches him and chokeslams him for two. Archer tries another slam and Danielson counters with a choke, so Archer slams out of that. Danielson with a bu saiku knee and that only puts Archer down to one knee, so he loads up again…and Archer goozles him. So Bryan hits more head kicks and finishes with a second knee at 15:43. Another fun, hard-hitting match as Danielson continues his retirement tour by having great matches. ***1/2.

Chris Jericho joins Renee and he’s been thinking about Hook all week, so we throw up the HOOK SIGNAL and Jericho points out that yeah, he usually betrays his tag team partners, but this time is different. So they’re teaming up on Collision this week.

Meanwhile, Shane Taylor Promotions are the intended victims of LionHook, it seems.

Jay White v. Daddy Ass

Billy violates the wrestler code by attacking during Jay’s cool Bullet Club entrance, and drags him down to ringside for a trip to the railing. White bumps right back to the floor again and they fight into the crowd, with Billy just kicking his ass the whole way, and back to ringside as White continues running away from Steroid Grampa and hiding in the ropes. Billy clotheslines him to the floor as we take a break. Back with Jay finally getting some offense in the corner and dropkicking the knee, but Billy comes back again while we reveal a mysterious attack on the Acclaimed backstage. Billy reverses the Blade Runner into the One and Only, and follows with the fameasser. Jay won’t stay down, so Billy hits another one and then retrieves a chair, at which point the Gunns run in and plead for mercy. And then Jay goes low and gets DQ’d at 11:41. Good lord. How did this make it past the booking meeting? DUD. And then the Acclaimed miraculously recovers from their brutal beating and they get into a brawl with the Bang Bang Gang and this was all complete garbage. Like Billy brings the chair into the ring and JAY is the one who loses by DQ? Did Billy even take a fucking bump here? What a baffling decision this whole thing was.

Meanwhile, the Young Bucks and Best Friends all arrive for the tag title tournament later.

Willow Nightingale joins us, talking about her journey from the bottom and wondering if she deserves the title shot, and she has concluded that she does. So this brings out Mercedes Mone, who challenges the winner of the TBS title match for Double Or Nothing. Shouldn’t she win a match first?

AEW World tag team title tournament semi-final: The Young Bucks v. Best Friends

Apparently the Bucks like the efforts of someone called “Scapegoat”. Sue makes a rare appearance at ringside here, so that probably doesn’t bode well for the chances of her men. The Friends double-team Matthew to start, but Trent misses a charge and Matthew hits him with the rolling northern lights suplexes until Trent cuts him off with a knee and clears the ring. Trent tries a dive, but the Bucks catch him and powerbomb him into the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. And then Matthew throws it to PIP as we take a break. Back with Orange getting the hot tag and he hits Matthew with a flying elbow, but misses the Orange Punch. So the Bucks double-team him with the brutal double-team kicks, only for Orange to escape the EVP Trigger and make the comeback. Orange with the diving DDT for two. Bucks go after Trent , but he escapes the TK Driver and the Friends hit their own version on Matthew for two. So they stop for the hug, but the Bucks escape the Strong Zero and superkick everyone…with Matthew just barely avoiding superkicking Sue. Orange saves her with the Orange Punch and the Friends hit Matthew with Strong Zero in the ring for two. Sue manages to get Trent FIRED UP, but Matthew runs him into the exposed turnbuckle and gets the rollup for the pin at 12:12 to advance to the finals. Well we all knew where this tournament was headed from the start. Good match but not like top tier Bucks. ***. Luckily Chuck is there to make peace, but then Trent snaps and turns on Orange to finally pay off that storyline after a year or so. Still heartbreaking. They’re supposed to be BEST Friends!

Mariah May v. Thunder Rosa

Mariah quickly hits the hip attack in the corner and a dropkick for two. They fight to the floor and Rosa gets a rana out there before dedicating a crossbody into the railing to Toni Storm, which get two as we take a break. Back with them trading rollups while Toni Storm requests not to be filmed under the desk because she’s not sure about her undergarment situation. Rosa escapes the MayDay and finishes with the Tijuana bomb at 9:19. I have a very bad feeling about the Rosa-Storm title match given how off Rosa has looked since coming back. *1/2

Meanwhile, Penta answers the Cope Open for next week’s Dynamite.

Main Event Contract signing: Samoa Joe v. Swerve Strickland

Joe threatens a beating that will leave Swerve so scarred that he’ll think he “left Diddy’s house too late”, which draws a good reaction from the crowd. Swerve puts over the top talent in the company and promises to join them, then tries to choke out Joe with his chain, and that goes badly for him. Joe teaches him the proper way to beat someone with a chain, busting Swerve open with it and beating him into a pulp in the corner before walking away to end things. Yeah point to Joe on that one. But Swerve is still badass enough to dip the pen in his own blood and signs the contract that way to regain the testosterone advantage. So Joe kicks his ass again and slams him through the table and this was a pretty awesome contract signing, even if the basic premise was done to death by WWE over the years.

Obviously things are being eclipsed by that OTHER big wrestling show happening this weekend, because this one felt very mid, despite a good crowd and a couple of good matches. But man, the Billy Gunn match just sucked the life out of me for the rest of the show, which I guess was good for Thunder Rosa because I didn’t care enough to really trash that weak-ass performance from her by the time I got there. I liked the Trent turn, which was the kind of heel turn coming out of nowhere but actually bubbling up for a long time, and I wish they had more of that kind of “pulling the trigger on something for fun” energy instead of the really predictable booking that’s been kind of plaguing the shows as of late.