The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.20.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.20.24

My new couch was supposed to be delivered today but it’s apparently still sitting in Etobicoke, ON. Just wanted to share my pain.

Live from Toronto, ON

Your hosts are Excalibur, Taz & Tony Schiavone

Mercedes Mone joins Tony in the ring, talking about how her career nearly ended against Willow 10 months ago, and she even has a video package about herself for those that don’t know who she is. So she throws out a challenge to Julia Hart for messing with her business last week, but then the lights go out and Skye Blue launches an unsuccessful attack before Julia saves her. So then Willow and Statlander come out to even up the sides, but the heels disappear in the dark and Willow is left contemplating a chairshot on Mercedes before thinking better of it.

Meanwhile, The Bucks and Okada demand more respect from Alex Marvez and would ask that he speak Japanese next time. Fair. Okada does a promo in Japanese (“Did you get that first part? Well maybe you can study up and learn some Japanese for next week, dumbass.”) and the Bucks promise to be backstage personally producing the segment.

Continental championship: Eddie Kingston v. Kazushika Okada

Although the crowd is supposedly split, they seem pretty solidly behind Okada. Well they’re excited to actually have a Japanese athlete show up in Toronto. They exchange chops to start and Eddie puts him down with those. Okada goes with a headlock but can’t power Eddie down, and they head to the floor, where Okada begs off and then catches him with a DDT on the floor. Meanwhile at Gorilla, Matthew and Nicholas really are producing the match as promised. Back in the ring, Okada with a neckbreaker and he dropkicks Eddie as we take a break. Back with Eddie taking him down with an STO and making the comeback with chops in the corner. German suplex and sliding elbow gets two. Eddie with more chops, but Okada fires back with the dropkick and hits him with a neckbreaker drop for two. Okada charges, however, and runs into the backfist, which gets two. They slug it out and Eddie crumples him with a chop, but Okada escapes the Northern Lights bomb and puts him down with a clothesline. Kingston fights up again, but Okada distracts the ref and then gouges the eyes. Eddie gets a blind enzuigiri, but Okada ducks the backfist and hits the RAINMAKER to win the title in his singles debut at 15:00. That was the only call here. Felt like they were holding a bit back but it was still great. ***3/4. But then Okada’s glorious celebration is interrupted by Pac, setting up another awesome match.

Meanwhile, Swerve has been inspired by Mike Tyson sparring lately, so he’s issuing an open challenge for tonight and he’s looking for a big man to prepare for Joe.

Meanwhile, Willow and Kris Statlander are interrupted by Mercedes, who meets up with Kris and then gives Willow the cold shoulder. Stokely: “Why are you worried about her, you broke her ankle!”

Chris Jericho v. Hook

Hook immediately drops Jericho with a backdrop driver and Jericho is knocked goofy. Goofier. So Hook batters him in the corner with elbows and then hits another suplex for two. Jericho comes back with chops, but Hook drops him with a pair of german suplexes because he smells blood. We take a break with Jericho selling his head, and return with him still out in the middle of the ring. Another german, but Jericho rolls into a cradle for two and then tries for the Walls. Hook escapes that and waits for Jericho to go up top before catching him with a northern lights suplex on the way down. Hook with the lariat, but Jericho hits him with the Lionsault for two. Hook fights back and charges, and Jericho tries an overhead throw and Hook kind of falls on his face instead of going up for it properly. They fight to the top and Hook ties him up in the choke and gets his back, and Jericho has to fight out of It and tries the Walls again. And then Hook reverses that to a cradle and pins him at 11:00. I think that might have been Hook’s first pinfall ever. Jericho went out and did his best to put him over huge here, but man is he slowing down. ***

Meanwhile, Adam Cole isn’t mad at Wardlow, just very disappointed. Surprised they’re even carrying on with Wardlow after last week to be honest. Felt like he would be gone.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho was impressed by Hook tonight and gives him respect.

Will Ospreay joins us, and he wants to apologize for being a naughty boy last time he was in Toronto. So he’s here to provide elite levels of wrestling, in exchange for MAPLE SYRUP, bruv. So Will relates the story of going to Japan and having to walk in Bryan Danielson’s footsteps, but Bryan’s shoes were TOO SMALL, bruv. So he’s gonna walk in Bryan’s shoes again and challenges Shibata next week on Dynamite to show Danielson the way to do things.

Mariah May & Toni Storm v. Deonna Purrazzo & Thunder Rosa

Everyone brawls to start and Mariah hits Deonna with a dropkick in the ring to put her down. Rosa and Purrazzo double-team Storm in their corner and Rosa gets a sliding lariat for two. But then she gets distracted by Luther on the floor and Toni takes her out as we take a break. Back with Purrazzo getting a hot tag and putting May down for two. But then Rosa tags herself in and hits May with a death valley driver. Storm suplexes Rosa into the corner and follows with the hip attack, but Rosa cradles her for the pin at 7:25. And Purrazzo isn’t really happy about that. Rosa has looked really really out of sorts since her comeback and putting her against Storm at the PPV is probably not gonna lead to a good result. *

Swerve Strickland v. The Butcher

I thought they left when Bunny did but I guess not. Swerve hits Butcher with a headbutt and boots him down to start, but Butcher runs him into the turnbuckles to work the arm. Butcher comes back with a backbreaker and hits him with a lariat, but Swerve counters that and hits the House Call kick. Swerve Stomp follows and he uses a short arm scissors to tap Butcher at 3:30. Another first, as Swerve submits someone for the first time! Mostly just a squash for Swerve. *1/2. And then Swerve talks some shit about Samoa Joe, so Joe comes out to answer. Apparently it’s nice to have dreams in life, until Joe shows up and smashes you in the face and takes everything you have. Don Callis interrupts and gets booed so loudly you can barely hear the promo, but the upshot is that it’s Swerve v. Takeshita next week.

TNT title, I Quit: Christian Cage v. Adam Copeland

The crowd goes crazy for the match before they even touch, but Cage attacks and slugs away in the corner until Copeland tries a spear and chases Christian to the floor. They fight into the crowd and into the penalty box, at which point Adam gets some guy’s Bruins jersey and puts it on Christian, before donning a Leafs jersey for a hockey fight. Yeah the Leafs wish their season was going that well. Up into the stands as we take a break. Back with Copeland setting up a ladder at ringside while the crowd chants for 90s pop group TLC. Copeland with an Edge O Matic on the ladder and he sets it up in the ring, upside down, and suplexes Christian onto the supports in a painful spot. How is he gonna be a good father if his babymakers get wrecked on a ladder? Next up, Adam finds a table, but Christian dodges the spear and runs him into the post. Cope is busted open, so Christian goes up and dives off the top and puts him through the table at ringside. That’s still a no from Copeland. Back in, Christian catapults him into the ladder and Copeland won’t quit. Frog splash misses and Copeland gets the crossface, so Christian rakes the eyes to escape. They both try a spear and collide for a double down as we take a break. Back with Christian pulling out a hockey net, but Copeland drops him on it and scores a goal with Christian’s body. But then Mother Wayne crotches Adam with a hockey stick and Christian takes over again. Back in the ring, Christian gets a blatant slashing penalty on Copeland and the refs completely miss it, but Adam still won’t quit. So Christian finds a barbed wire chair, which would be painful to sit on if we’re being honest, but misses the Conchairto. They fight for a Killswitch on the chair, but Adam crosschecks him with the hockey stick and crossfaces him again. Christian won’t quit, so Nick Wayne and Killswitch run in for the beatdown on Copeland until Daddy Magic and Daniel Garcia make the save. Everyone gets tossed out and Copeland dives off a ladder for old times’ sake. Back in the ring, the silliness continues as the babyfaces handcuff the henchmen to the corners, leaving Cage alone. Spear from Copeland and they handcuff Christian in the corner and retrieve Spike the baseball bat. But first, some repeated groin kicks to soften him up, before the big shot to the nuts with the bat, and Christian quits to make Copeland the champion at 26:00. This had a lot of fun and violent moments, but it was just way too long and didn’t live up to their much better brawl at World’s End. By the end they were just kind of throwing everything at the wall with it. ***1/2

Well I guess TSN is airing Rampage this week so let’s carry right on…

The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 03.20.24

Live from Toronto, ON

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone and Daddy Magic

Meanwhile, the Bullet Club are lounging in the pool, and Jay White rightly points out that he saved Darby Allin from dying on Everest, and now they’ve got Sting’s bat painted gold.

The Acclaimed join Renee, and Billy Gunn isn’t even cleared to travel so he’s not here. And Bowens is spitting FIRE on Jay White, saying that he should have listened to the internet and signed somewhere else, because he lost to a one-legged MJF and he’s just a light heavyweight hiding behind the Ass Boys. Good fire from Bowens here.

AEW World tag team title tournament: Orange Cassidy & Trent v. Powerhouse Hobbs & Kyle Fletcher

Orange tries the Orange Punch and walks into the spinebuster for two right away, and everyone brawls out of the ring. Hobbs slams Orange on the apron repeatedly, and back in the ring for a corner clothesline, but Trent comes in and cleans house. Trent with the dive and back in for a slugfest with Hobbs, but he tries a DDT on Fletcher and gets caught from behind with a powerbomb from Hobbs as we take a break. Back with Hobbs putting Orange in a torture rack, but Trent knocks them over with a high knee and Orange rolls Hobbs up for two. But then Fletcher goes after Trent and Orange puts him down with a stunner before Hobbs breaks up the hug spot with a shoulderblock. What a jerk. Hobbs teases an apron powerbomb on Orange, but Trent helps out with an assisted Beach Break on the floor to save. Back in, Fletcher catches Orange with a spinning tombstone for two. Everyone piles up in the corner and the Best Friends take Fletcher out with a DDT, and Orange finishes him with the Orange Punch at 11:00 to advance. Very fun match. ***

Katsuyori Shibata v. Kevin Matthews

Shibata quickly pulverizes him with the corner dropkick for two, but Matthews clotheslines him and goes for a slam of some kind, which Shibata reverses to a choke and then puts him away with the PK at 1:30.

Meanwhile, Adam Copeland celebrates with the boys.

Konosuke Takeshita v. Rocky Romero

Rocky manages to win a slugfest to start and hits the running clotheslines in the corner, but Takeshita lays him out with a facebuster slam and puts him on the floor as we take a break. Back with Rocky hitting a dive and he suckers Takeshita into punching the post, and back in for a Sliced Bread that gets two. He goes to an armbar, but Callis takes the ref for distraction, and Takeshita boots him in the corner, hits the Blue Thunder Bomb, and that gets two. Romero with a backslide for two and he fights back with an enzuigiri, but Takeshita waffles him with a lariat and finishes with the spinning falcon arrow at 8:34. I would have preferred Takeshita running through someone but Rocky gave him a hell of a match for the time they had. ***1/2.

Street Fight: Julia Hart & Skye Blue v. Willow Nightingale & Kris Statlander

Tables and chairs get involved immediately as the babyfaces slam Julia in a chair for two and set up some tables in the ring. Julia tries to use a spike to attack Willow and accidentally takes out Skye as we take a break and do ANOTHER overrun. Back with Skye bleeding and she hits Willow with a Code Blue on the announce table, which does not break. Back in, we get thumbtacks all over the place and Skye powerbombs Statlander into them for two. Skye with a mouthful of tacks and a superkick for two. But then Willow hits Skye with a death valley driver through the tables at ringside. And Statlander tries a 450 on Julia, but lands on chairs and Julia taps her out with Heartless at 10:33 and WE ARE DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME, with my DVR finally tapping out along with Statlander at 7 minutes past the hour. As you’d expect, this was extremely rushed given that the ending of Dynamite ate up about the first 10 minutes of this show and they were probably screaming at the ref to send the match home. **1/2.

Anyway, Dynamite was great with a hot crowd and two big title changes, Rampage was a good show but felt rushed for time, and I DO NOT WANT three hours of AEW every Wednesday, thank you very much. But with no Collision this week we at least get a full week off before the next show.