The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.13.24

The $marK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.13.24

“Big Bu$ine$$”

Live from Bo$$ton, MA

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony $chiavone & Taz

Meanwhile, Renee encounters a car in the parking lot, as you very often see.

Mercedes Mone joins us to start, as Boston finally has an athlete they can be proud of. The crowd of course goes absolutely insane for her, and the “CEO” chant built into the music is a nice touch. So she does the big babyface promo, talking about main eventing a PPV in Boston after getting brought into the business by Eddie Guerrero. And she’s got unfinished business with Willow. I know some people thought they should wait until the main event to debut her but it just would have distracted the crowd all night. This felt bigtime and Mercedes felt bigtime.

Meanwhile, Samoa Joe has not forgiven Wardlow for his previous nonsense yet.

Meanwhile, it’s story time with the Undisputed Kingdom and Adam Cole is pretty confident in Wardlow’s chances.

AEW World title: Samoa Joe v. Wardlow

They immediately brawl on the floor and Wardlow runs him into the railings. I really hate the LED boards, by the way, it looks so distracting and tacky. Back in the ring, Joe comes back with chops, but Wardlow hits him with a spinebuster for two. Joe with the enzuigiri in the corner and they fight to the top, but Wardlow hits him with the corkscrew senton and we take a break. Back with Wardlow going up and outsmarting the walk-off by pausing before hitting a shoulderblock, and that gets two. Joe escapes the powerbomb and comes back with the big boot and senton for the double down. Joe with the powerslam for two. Wardlow’s knee gives way, but he miraculously recovers and hits Joe with the falling knee in the corner, which gets two. Swanton misses and Joe slugs away in the corner, but Wardlow powerbombs him. But he stops to admire his handiwork on the screen one time too many, and Joe chokes him out at 11:10 to retain. Fun hoss fight here but they seemed a bit off due to some kind of injury. ***1/4. This brings out Swerve to beat up some security geeks and look for a challenge, but Joe walks away. And kicks a security guard on the way out, which popped me.

Meanwhile, Alex Marvez tries to interview the Elite, but calls him “Okada” and that’s DISRESPECTFUL. Hasn’t he seen the passport? Matthew notes that they’ll “circle back” later and Okada has “14 million reasons” to join the Elite while sipping from his “Best Boss” mug. I love everything about these guys. These are obviously men who have sat through a management training course a few times in their lives.

Matthew & Nicholas Jackson & Kazuchika Okada v. Penta el Zero Miedo & Pac & Eddie Kingston

Eddie wants Okada to start, so Okada tags out to Matthew immediately. And Eddie chops him and offers up Pac instead, who hits Matthew with a rana and a backbreaker to put him down. Over to Nicholas, but Penta hits him with a spinning slam for two. Pac and Penta double-team the Bucks and kick Matthew right in the buttocks on his birthday, so it’s time for the RAINMAKER. Okada with the dropkick out of a chop battle and this man has a million dollar arrogant sneer. We get an Elite pose and take a break. Back with the Elite continuing to triple-team Eddie and they cut off the tag, with Okada taking their place on the apron in a tremendous heel move, before fist-bumping Matthew and going back to beating on Eddie again. Matthew slugs away in the corner, but Eddie fights them off and gets the hot tag to Penta. Double DDT on the Bucks, but Okada blocks a backstabber by sheer force of willpower. So Pac comes in with a missile dropkick instead, and Death Triangle dives onto the Bucks outside. Back in, Pac with a 450 on Nicholas for two, but Okada saves. Pac with a german suplex on him and Eddie wants more of Okada, but Okada DDTs him. Everyone goes nuts with the big moves and Eddie clotheslines Nicholas on the top rope and backhands Matthew, but Nicholas goes TO THE NUTS and Okada finishes with the RAINMAKER at 12:41. This fucking ruled. ****1/4. We all love Eddie but let’s face facts about the way Dynasty is gonna have to go for him if he defends against Okada.

(Update: Apparently Eddie defends the Continental title by itself, next week, against Okada, which is a strange choice because they really do not need to be splitting up the belts that soon.).

Next week: Christian and Copeland settle things in Toronto once and for all, although we all know that the Maple Leafs are more likely win a Stanley Cup before these two ever truly end their beef. By which I mean one of those water bottles everyone loves, not the NHL championship. That’s never happening.

Will Ospreay joins us and now I’m torn over whether I love Ospreay or Okada more. Will talks about how he patterned his career after Bryan Danielson (perhaps he was also a DVDVR playboy like Tony Khan?) , but then shares a story about dropping Kenny Omega on his head to win the match, and Bryan asks him if it’s worth it. And apparently, yeah, bruv, it was worth it. So they’re gonna put the best wrestlers in the world together at Dynasty and only one will walk out a winner, bruv. And he ain’t gonna be the one to die, bruv. Top shelf babyface promo here.

Meanwhile, Deonna Purrazzo has no problem finding a tag team partner for next week against Toni Storm.

Jay White v. Darby Allin

Darby is more bandage than man at this point, so Jay takes him down with a headlock to smash the ribs into the mat. White works him over in the corner and just gives him a vicious chop, but Darby fights back out of the corner with a shotgun dropkick. White bails and Darby hits him with a dive to the floor, so White rolls to the other side of the ring to escape, and Darby dives on him again. So Jay suplexes him onto an open chair and that’s gotta suck for Darby. And then Jay whips him into the stairs and Darby takes a crazy flip bump off those and lands on the railing. We take a break and return with White beating on Darby’s back with more chops, but he makes the mistake of mocking Sting and Darby makes the comeback, countering the Blade runner into the stunner. Code Red gets two. Last Supper gets two. Darby tries a coffin splash, but White reverses that into a german suplex and a uranage gets two. They fight on the apron and Jay digs his nails into the back, but Darby comes in with a Scorpion Deathdrop for two. But then he goes up and tries a coffin drop on the apron, and he crashes and burns in epic fashion on that one. Hopefully not a preview of his Everest climb. Darby beats the count at 9, but Jay puts him out of his misery with the Blade Runner at 12:30. I don’t even know how Darby continues to function but he keeps finding crazy shit to do. ****. And then Jay offers the handshake of respect to the fallen Darby before switching it to a finger gun, and the Bang Bang Gang attack commences. This brings out the Scissoring half of the Bang Bang Scissor Gang to talk some sense into them. And that’s the end of the Bang Bang Scissor Gang, which spanned three months and accomplished absolutely nothing in that time. And we finally get where we should have been ages ago, with the Bullet Club turning on them to set up a unification match for the six-man titles at Dynasty.

Hook & Chris Jericho v. The Gates of Agony

Once again I kindly and respectfully ask that maybe Chris Jericho should just fuck the fuck off for a month or two, maybe three. The Gates double-team him in the corner and Toa suplexes him onto the top rope and sends him into the desk. Back in, Toa slugs away in the corner and then takes out Hook as we take a break. Back with Jericho coming back with a big boot on Kaun and Hook gets the hot tag. He runs wild with suplexes and rolls up Kaun for two, and then hits Toa with a german suplex for good measure. Kaun with a lungblower for two. The Gates try to double-team Hook, but Jericho pulls out Toa and allows Hook to choke out Kaun at 8:44. Thankfully Jericho mostly gave Hook the chance to shine here. **1/2.

Meanwhile, Kyle O’Reilly still has doubts about himself, and the Kingdom stops by to offer their love but won’t interfere.

Meanwhile, Jericho and Hook decide to have a match next week.

Willow Nightingale v. Riho

Interesting choice for a main event. Willow overpowers her to start and gets the running splash for two, but Riho bridges out and dropkicks her. Willow dropkicks her out of the corner in return and we take a break. Back with Riho coming back with the 619 and going up with a crossbody for two. Willow with a powerbomb, but Riho reverses to a rollup for two. Northern lights suplex gets two. Riho tries a springboard, however, and Willow pounces her to the floor. Willow dives and Riho dodges it, then hits Willow with a diving foot stomp off the apron. Back in with another double foot stomp off a dragon suplex on the apron and that gets two. Willow fires up and hits a lariat to come back, but Riho cradles, so Willow rolls through into the powerbomb to finish at 9:19. ***1/4. This brings out Julia and Skye for the attack to set up the TBS title match at Dynasty, but Mercedes makes the save and apparently makes peace with Willow for now.

Yeah this show ruled. Suck it, haters on Twitter, this is what I’m looking for out of my wrestling.