The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.05.25

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.05.25

Live from Sacramento, CA, in a COOL looking theater.

Your hosts are Excalibur, Taz & Ian Riccaboni

Meanwhile, MJF is sick of Hangman’s mark fanclub and so he’s hanging out in the streets of Sacramento and challenges Page to come find him.

Contract Signing:

We are joined by Swerve and Ricochet for the #1 contender’s match signing, although Ricochet has the robe elsewhere for some modifications. Ricochet points out that Swerve started the whole thing by mocking and bullying him. So they sign the contract and Swerve notes that the only thing Ricochet is gonna be remembered for is his ring announcer wife, and that draws a GASP from the crowd and prompts Ricochet to attack. But Swerve has his own scissors and ready and stabs Ric in the head to win that battle. That was a SICK BURN.

Meanwhile, AEW PPV is now on Prime Video. Still gonna order on Triller but more options are always good.

Will Ospreay, Mark Briscoe, Orange Cassidy & Powerhouse Hobbs v. Bryan Keith, Brian Cage, Lance Archer & Mark Davis

Ospreay runs wild on Cage and the babyfaces take turns beating on Cage in the corner, although Orange stops at one and celebrates. Cage hits him with a jackhammer and Archer comes in with a Black Hole Slam as we take a break. Back with Callis assaulting Orange on the floor, and back in for a pass-around suplex between the heels, and Davis gets two from that. Orange comes back with the stunner and it’s hot tag Hobbs, and we get MEAT SLAPPING. Archer and Cage clothesline each other by mistake and Hobbs throws Davis around and then piggy-backs Orange and double-splashes Davis in the corner. Orange drops an elbow off Hobbs’ shoulders, but that only gets two. Bryan Keith comes in and gets nowhere with Hobbs, and Ospreay runs wild and superkicks Keith for two. Orange with a DDT on everyone and he takes Cage out on the floor, and Briscoe finally gets in there and destroys Keith. But then Archer lays out Briscoe with a lariat and grabs a chair, only for Mark to use redneck kung fu to counter him. And Ospreay hits Keith the Ozcutter and finishes with the Hidden Blade at 15:15. Oh yeah, we got a PARTY MATCH to open the show! ***1/2. Afterwards, the Callis Family destroys everyone, ending with Kyle Fletcher coming out to put the beats on Ospreay and then ordering Mark Davis to finish the job with a chairshot. And then Kyle gives him a brainbuster on the open chair as well.

Meanwhile, we get the history between Kenny Omega and Takeshita in a very well done video.

Wheeler Yuta v. COPE

They trade takedowns to start and COPE gets a sunset flip for two, but Yuta takes him down with armdrags and a dropkick. But COPE takes him to the floor and we take a break. Back with Yuta hitting an Angle Slam for two. They head to the top and COPE beats on him with clubbing forearms, but Yuta puts him down for a flying splash that gets two. Yuta tries Cattle Mutilation and COPE reverses easily into a crossface and follows with an Impaler. COPE tries the spear and runs into a bu saiku knee as a result, which gets two for Yuta. Another Cattle Mutilation, but COPE slams out of that one and hits him with the spear to finish at 11:05. Thought it would be a squash but COPE gave him a ton and it was a really good match. ***1/4. And that actually plays into the storyline, as COPE gives him a handshake and gives him respect instead of finishing the job like with the other Death Riders. However, Moxley has no such respect for Yuta and slaps him around, prompting Yuta to leave and Moxley cuts his go-home promo. Man they can go a LOT of ways now with that one. I still think Jay White is screwing COPE out of the belt, though.

Meawhile, we take a trip back to 1987 with the OUTRUNNERS, as they prepare for the tag team titles via 4×3 VHS footage.

Meanwhile, Hangman shows up looking for MJF, and finds a lookalike instead, allowing the real deal to attack Page from behind. Hangman rallies for the buckshot, but MJF kicks him in the nuts and hits the Heatseeker. Page comes back while MJF beats up security geeks while screaming LET ME PROVE MY POINT and reveals an “MJF Did Nothing Wrong” t-shirt, so Max puts him down with the diamond ring and then tries to burn him alive, as normal people do. Luckily we don’t have immolation on live TV, as referees break it up. What a great feud this has been. I wouldn’t normally advocate for bad finishes on PPV but they’re gonna have to do some kind of massive fuck finish and keep this thing going for another show, I’m pretty sure.

Meanwhile, the director of Queen of the Ring plays along with Timeless Toni Storm and has to explain why he cut her “gratuitous nude scene” from the movie.

Kris Statlander & Thunder Rosa v. Megan Bayne & Penelope Ford

Stat slams Ford around and takes her down with a headlock. Over to Rosa, looking more like Diamante this week, but Ford dropkicks her on the ropes for two. Back to Stat with a slingshot elbow, but Bayne decides to deal with things herself and throws the babyfaces out of the ring. And Ford happens to be standing there, so Bayne tosses her out as well. We take a break and return with Rosa hitting Bayne with an enzuigiri and Statlander gets the hot tag and rns wild. Ford hits Bayne with an accidental handspring and the faces double-team Bayne and toss her for a Rosa baseball slide. Penelope takes out Stat, but Rosa beats Ford down and then gets trapped by the heels in the corner. Rosa makes her own comeback, but Bayne hits her with an F5 and pins him at 9:20. Kinda disjointed at times but they were trying hard and Bayne continues to look like a star. **1/4

Meanwhile, Mercedes Mone has hired Serena Deeb to take out Momo on Collision, and trains Renee to read off her catchphrases for her.

The Best Wrestling Alive Open Challenge: Max Caster v. Jay White

Not liking Max’s chances here. Max tries to start a “Let’s Go Max / You’re the Best Wrestler Alive” chant but doesn’t get anywhere with it. Blade Runner finishes at 0:37.

Meanwhile, Mariah and Toni sit down before their match, and Mariah spits on her and promises to make Toni’s life a living hell. And then Toni gives an absolutely savage response, sentencing Mariah to the worst thing possible: Mediocrity and being forgotten. “You don’t deserve the dignity of death” is a line that goes HARD. And then Renee notes “I pray neither one of you gets serious injured on Sunday” and they both yell “PRAY FOR HER!” at the same time. Damn.

Ricochet & Kazuchika Okada v. Brody King & Swerve Strickland

Okada starts with Swerve and it quickly develops into a brawl on the floor, with Swerve hitting Ricochet into the railing so hard that he takes out the signal for a second. And then they all pile up and Brody splats them and then puts them on his back to set up a Swerve double stomp onto both heels. Back in the ring, Swerve does his little dance and beats on Ricochet, but he comes back with a codebreaker for two and we take a break. Back with Okada missing a charge and then Ricochet makes the stupid mistake of going after Brody, allowing Brody to wipe out both heels and hit Okada with a DVD for two. Ric comes back with a springboard splash and Okada gets two, but King fires back with a lariat and it’s hot tag Swerve. Ricochet desperately goes for the tag but Okada is gone, so Swerve destroys him and they trade powerbomb reversals until Ricochet hits a DDT out of that for two. Ric misses the Spirit Gun and Swerve tries to finish, but Ricochet cradles for two. Swerve with the house call kick and he goes up with the Swerve Stomp, but Okada drops an elbow to break it up. So then Okada and Brody trade shots and Brody clotheslines him in the corner, and then misses a cannonball. Okada grabs the Continental title belt, but Swerve hits him with a house call from behind, and then Ricochet grabs the belt and knocks out Swerve to fall on top for the pin at 14:14. Goddamn this match did not need to go this hard but it did and I love them for it. ****

This show is better for my mental health than whatever that big thing in the sky is supposed to be or whatever that green stuff under all the snow is called. Revolution is gonna be amazing, I’m pretty sure. Another great stuff this week.