The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.14.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.14.24

Live from Austin, TX

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Taz & Excalibur

Jon Moxley v. Dax Harwood

They jostle for the hammerlock and Dax flips him off, so Mox gives him a Valentine’s Day smooch. I’m confused but strangely aroused. Kind of like my wedding night. So Dax beats him down in the corner and they exchange chops there and then slug it out in the other corners. Mox catches him with the bulldog choke and Dax rolls him over for two, but Mox escapes the Sharpshooter and boots him to the floor. They brawl into the front row, and Mox catapults him into the post, RIGHT IN THE MOUSTACHE. If that had happened to an Outrunner, the facial hair would have broken the post. Just saying. Back in the ring, Mox slugs away in the corner, but Dax powerbombs him for two. And they fight to the floor again as we take a break. Back with Mox beating on him with chops and that turns into another slugfest and it’s a battle of FISTICUFFSMANSHIP as they square up like old-timey boxers and beat on each other until they both go down. They fight to the top and continue punching each other up there, but Dax won’t go down because he’s incredibly stubborn. So Moxley bites him to finally get him to the mat, but Dax pops up again and brings him down with a superplex for another double down. Next up, they smash heads to assert dominance and trade clotheslines, but Mox goes down first in this case and Dax gets the Sharpshooter. Mox fights out of that and stomps him down into the armbar, but Dax reverses him for two. They trade piledriver attempts and rollups, but Dax rolls into the piledriver off that, and that gets two. Back to the floor and they continue beating on each other, but Mox catches him with the cutter on the way in, into the piledriver , which gets a very hot two. They exchange suplex attempts and Dax gets the brainbuster for two, but Mox rolls him into the rear naked choke and Dax taps at 18:40. Dammit, I thought they were holding out for the draw there. Mox won’t let go, so Cash makes the save and that turns into a giant brawl with the BCC, and then Mox goes back to choking out Dax again, which granted is a tad excessive. But hey, it’s Valentine’s Day. What better time for choking people out? Another great match from Dax even though he always loses singles matches. ****1/4

Meanwhile, Don Callis has decided to book Takeshita against Will Ospreay in order to prove that that they’re all a big family who will be still be happy after the PPV. I don’t see how that could possibly backfire. Also, yes, Renee, a very happy Valentine’s Day to her, thank you very much.

Wardlow v. Barrett Brown

At least Wardlow’s knee injury wasn’t bad. He quickly hits the knee in the corner, then stops to pose for himself and the creepy Ric Flair energy drink logo, before finishing with the WedgieBomb at 1:20.

Earlier today, the EVPs fly in, still wearing the blood-stained suits from last week.

Adam Copeland v. Daniel Garcia

I saw that Danny Garcia was apparently connected to the Rock in the Bloodline family tree, which is weird but good for him. Hopefully no one sends him death threats. Winner of this gets the title shot at Christian. Cope beats on him in the corner and quickly goes for the crossface, but Garcia reverses him into an anklelock and Adam escapes that. Garcia tries a drop down and Copeland splashes him for two to counter before choking him out on the ropes. The crowd is increasingly pumped for both guys and they trade near-falls before Garcia takes him down and teases the dance. Copeland comes back and whips Garcia into the corner as we take a break. Back with them fighting to the top and Copeland yanks the arm to block him, but Daniel-san SWEEPS THE LEG and brings him down with a dragon screw before stomping him down in the corner. Copeland fights off a suplex attempt, so Garcia takes him down with another dragon screw and goes to work on the leg and then switches to an STF. They exchange elbows and Garcia takes him out with another dragon screw, but the other way, and makes the mistake of going to the top again. Copeland brings him down with an Impaler, which was more of a double underhook suplex to be fair, and the crowd viciously turns on the spear attempt. Garcia reverses that to a jackknife cradle for two, but Nick Wayne & the dinosaur run in for the double DQ at 12:32. Not that it’s my favorite finish but this is a case where a schmoz finish is a valid way to keep from beating Garcia and get him to the title match and put the heat on Christian. ***1/4 Daddy Magic tries to intervene on behalf of the babyfaces, but Christian beats on Copeland with a chair and Mother Wayne goes low, allowing Christian to deliver a Conchairto to Cope for a pretty vile heel beatdown. And then Christian makes out with the TNT title because it’s Valentine’s Day.

Samoa Joe joins us and he’s sick of AEW celebrating mediocrity by awarding a title match to the two losers from last week who lost. But then Swerve interrupts and he’s a massive babyface in Austin, and he wants Joe to put some RESPECT on his name. So this brings out Hangman Page, who doesn’t want people writing “Hangman was mad” in their weekly Dynamite reports. Duly noted. But although he’s not MAD as such, last week’s result was still bullshit and really the match should be between himself and Joe. But now Swerve has been added to his match, and Page doesn’t think Swerve deserves it. Man they’re giving us some strong Bret Hart 97 vibes with the Hangman here. But Joe is sick of the domestic squabble and decides he’s just gonna pin both guys in the match and retain the title. They could literally go any way they wanted with the finish of that match and it would be totally valid.

Meanwhile, Toni Storm presents her new short film, “Wet Ink”, about her friendship with Deonna Purrazzo. She suckled on the teet of talent and bit the tit that fed her! And now she has a new tattoo to cover up the other one. Deonna is less than happy with that.

Executive Vice Presidents Nicholas & Matthew Jackson v. Top Flight

So apparently the EVPs are wrestling in the white suits and Nicholas wears a derby in the ring. Tremendous. Dante quickly knocks it off him and works a headlock, so Nicholas bails and then loses a battle of armdrags in the ring. Over to Matthew, who tries to make peace, but Top Flight double-teams him in the corner and the EVPs get sent to the floor. Back in the ring, Top Flight double-teams Matthew’s arm and Darius gets two. But then a cheapshot turns the tide and we take a break. Back with Dante getting the hot tag and he runs wild on Matthew with a springboard crossbody for two. Stereo sunset flips from Top Flight get two. Matthew manages to headfake Darius and hits Dante with a DDT, and then regroups and pulls himself together again. Meanwhile Nicholas’s suit is getting increasingly destroyed, which feels like a dress code violation and potential fine. Dante dives onto him outside and Darius hits Matthew with a Spanish Fly for two. But then Dante tries another dive and hits the railing, while Matthew gets a rope assisted pin on Darius in the corner and gets caught. Next up, a blatant low blow behind the ref’s back, and the EVP Trigger finishes at 11:00. The character touches here are AMAZING. Afterwards, Matthew declares themselves #1 contenders, complete with their own graphic. Tony has apparently been disparaging them on commentary, so that’s a $1000 fine, and they bully him into EVP Trigger position (with the crowd freaking out) but Darby Allin makes the save. And then he talks about how only one EVP didn’t have shit for brains, and it’s not Kenny Omega. Also the Bucks hired all their California cronies, like Brandon Cutler, while he had to beg for a job while homeless. So Darby challenges them for the titles at the PPV officially (Matthew: “I can pull some strings”) and we’ve got a main event. ***

Meanwhile, the Bang Bang Scissor Gang comes up with the idea of having a 12-man on Rampage.

Willow Nightingale v. Skye Blue

Stokely joins us for commentary, wearing a gold shirt, and Taz clarifies that he owns the color orange. Willow slams Skye for two and runs her into the turnbuckles, so Skye bails to the floor. Back in, Willow with the pounce and we take a break. Back with them slugging it out as Willow makes the comeback with a superkick and spinebuster for two. Skye with a short DDT for two and she gets a standing dragon sleeper on Willow’s back, but Willow runs her into the corner to break. To the apron and Skye bumps to the floor. Back in the ring, Willow goes up and Skye brings her down with a powerbomb for two. So this prompts Stokely to take the ref while Skye hits Code Blue, but Willow reverses out and hits the Doctorbomb to finish at 8:51. Really fun match and obviously they have chemistry together. ***

Texas Death Match: Orange Cassidy v. Matt Taven

Years ago we were having supper at a small town restaurant in rural Saskatchewan, and my wife ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. They weren’t very good cooks and actually sent the sandwich with the cheese slice still wrapped in the plastic that it came in, inside the toasted bread. So what I’m getting at is that Matt Taven is the unwrapped plastic-coated cheese in the sandwich of life. Taven slugs away and dropkicks Orange out of the corner while Tony reminds us of the national nightmare when Taven was ROH World champion. No wonder they had to sell the company. Taven with a Blue Thunder Bomb and Orange bails to the floor. They exchange trips to the railing and Orange cleverly hurdles the barricade and regroups in the crowd as we take a break. Back with Taven trying to put Orange through a table and failing spectacularly because he SUCKS and then gets it on the second try with a suplex. Orange beats the count off that, so Taven hits him with a running knee and then back in the ring for a DDT as Orange is busted open. Why would you waste a blade on this bum? Taven sets up a table on the announce desk, but can’t put Orange through that one either and then takes an insane headfirst dive over the top and crashes through the table. Meanwhile Orange bleeds a gusher and finds a box of chocolates from Chuckie, and it turns out that you never know what you’re gonna get. In this case, you’re gonna get thumbtacks. I feel like that’s a class action lawsuit waiting to happen. Orange accidentally falls on them, but Taven mises a splash and lands on them, and Orange DDTs him into the tacks and then finds another valentine under the ring. But Mike Bennett hits the ring and lays out Orange before setting up chairs, but Trent makes the save with a pipe out of a box of flowers with a move right out of T2 in the most awesomely geeky reference of the week. Orange with the Orange Punch on Taven and Beach Break on the chair and the tacks. So Taven desperately rips the pockets off Orange’s pants, and Orange just hits him with a chain instead. So now this brings out Roddy to break up the count, but Trent takes the bullet, allows Orange to throw out Strong, and Taven is counted down and out at 13:52. Taven is so irritating that he goes and has the best match of his life with Orange Cassidy after I was busting on him so hard. What a jerk. ****1/2.

I know people were calling last week’s show great, but THIS is what I love about AEW. Hot crowd, great matches up and down the show, and a PPV card with some stakes and build behind it. This was a banger of an episode.