The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.07.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.07.24

This is a big one and MY GODDAMN PVR DIDN’T RECORD IT ON TSN. So now I gotta watch the Fite.TV version instead. Also Microsoft Word has replaced my beloved Calibri font with something called Aptos as the default and I’m not sure about it. I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS TONIGHT.

Live from Phoenix, AZ with a PPV-quality offering this week.

Your hosts are Excalibur, Taz & Tony Schiavone

Swerve Strickland v. Hangman Page

Powered by Woooooooo! Energy. I wonder if it has the same ingredients as Anaconda Malt Liquor, which gives you that OOOOOOOOOOOOOO? Winner of this faces Samoa Joe at Revolution and the finish seems pretty obvious but we’ll see how they pull it off. The crowd is pretty crazy for both guys and they slug it out to start, leading to a catfight on the ground and a brawl to the floor. Swerve sends him into the crowd and dives onto him. Back in the ring, Page beats on him in the corner, but Swerve puts him down with a big boot and stomps him down in the corner. Page with the fallaway slam, but Swerve goes up and Page SWEEPS THE LEG and slugs away on the mat. Swerve wraps him up in an Octopus attempt, but Page goes flat to escape, so Swerve goes after the arm instead. Swerve bails to the apron, so Page clobbers him from behind and runs him into the post to send Swerve to the floor. Page slowly beats on him out there and finds himself getting booed. Back in, they exchange chops and Hangman gets a rollup for two.

Back to the floor and Swerve runs him into the LED boards and follows with a dive as Taz tries to Taz-splain what LED means and then concedes defeat. Back in the ring, House Call kick gets two and they fight to the top, where Page decides to bite him and follows with a powerbomb, which Swerve turns into a rana and rolls out of it. But then Page powerbombs him for two. Buckshot is evaded and Swerve hit his own Buckshot as the crowd goes nuts, and the Swerve Stomp gets a very close two. Page bails to the floor in desperation and Swerve follows him out but walks into a DDT on the LED boards out there. Hangman finds a table and runs Swerve into the non-LED railing and they note that ref is being “a little lenient”. That’s like saying Tammy Sytch is kind of a bad driver. Back in the ring, Hangman puts the boots to him, but Swerve throws his own boots and we get a BOOT WAR until both guys are out for a double down. They slug it out again and Swerve hits him with a backbreaker for two. Page goes up and gets hung in the Tree of Woe, but on the apron side, and Swerve hits him with a double stomp and puts him on the table as a result. And the table falls down, apparently not smartened up by the agents before the match. Luckily Nana finds a backup table, hopefully one that knows the score, and Swerve tries a 450 in the ring and hits knees. Page gets two from that.

And then we get the 5:00 remaining call and everyone in the arena knows what’s gonna go down. Page with the buckshot lariat, but that only gets two. They head to the apron and Page gets the Deadeye on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Swerve uses the power of the NANA DANCE to get himself back in the ring, but Page dropkicks him back to the floor and hits Nana with a chair to really draw some heat. Back in the ring, they fight on the apron again, but Swerve gets his own Deadeye off the apron and through the backup table. Back in the ring, Swerve goes for another Stomp, but that misses and he lands on his bad ankle and hurts himself. That allows Page to set up for the finish, but the Buckshot misses and Swerve gets the JML driver just as time expires at 30:00. Well, at 30:07 to be exact. So Hangman is satisfied because they’re both eliminated from the World title picture and that’s good enough for him. But Tony announces instead that it’s a three-way for the PPV, which we all figured going on. Which gives us the odd sight of a babyface complaining about getting the title match. Well that’s something you don’t see everyday, trying to decline a title match out of pure spite. Still an awesome opener despite the weird dynamic afterwards. ****1/2

Meanwhile, Samoa Joe is full of JOY AND MERRIMENT, but he’s being sarcastic because both guys didn’t win and thus don’t deserve a title shot. Man’s got a point.

AEW World Women’s champion Timeless Toni Storm v. Red Velvet

Deonna Purrazzo joins us on commentary and thankfully shouldn’t be as distracting as Toni is on commentary. Toni’s babyface reactions are getting bigger and bigger every week…And Then The Bell Rings. Toni controls with the arm to start, but Velvet gets a leg lariat and puts the boots to her in the corner. Storm with a Sky High for two. They exchange chops in the corner and Toni gets a snap suplex for two. Storm with a chinlock and she drops an elbow for two. Toni gives us some poses to troll the crowd and slams Velvet for two while the crowd chants for Luther. “Never happened before, never happen again” notes Taz. Toni with an armbar while Mariah May looks on lovingly at ringside. And Toni decides it’s time for FISTICUFFSMANSHIP but Velvet wins that battle and makes the comeback. Velvet with a bulldog for two, but she misses a blind charge and Toni hits her with the hip attack and gets a DDT for two. Piledriver is reversed for two, but Velvet misses a kick and Toni anklelocks her and taps her out at 7:51. This was OK. **1/4

Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy isn’t worried about Ishii on Collision, although Trent thinks that’s weird, especially since they’re having a six-man with the Kingdom on Rampage the night before. So Chuck is getting checked out, and they’re all gonna go check out Chuck getting checked out, and we get the world’s most awkward goodbye to end the segment.

The BCC (Jon Moxley, Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson) v. Team CMLL (Hechicero, Mascara Dorada & Volador Jr)

I did not have occasion to watch Collision this past weekend but I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to hear that Danielson had a great match with Hechicero. They trade ankle picks on the mat to start and Hechicero rolls him into a bow and arrow right away, but Danielson escapes that. They trade rollups and Hechicero does the rolling bodyscissors cradle for two and it’s over to Dorada. He fires a chop on Claudio and gets nowhere with that and Claudio slams him down. Dorada takes him to the floor with a headscissors, though, and it’s over to Moxley. He slugs it out with Volador, who hits him with a headscissors to put him on the floor and follows with a tope. But then the BCC puts the boots to him as a team. So Moxley hits his own dive, and the CMLL crew puts the boots to HIM on the other side of the ring. Man, where’s those trucker convoy guys to put a stop to this? Back in the ring, Danielson cuts off the luchador attack with a flying knee on Volador and he beats on him with the Yes kicks and really cracks his skull with it for two. BCC triple-teams Volador in the corner and Taz wishes they’d do the same to Excalibur as long as they’re beating up masked guys. “Who would carry your asses then?” counters Excalibur. SPICY. Claudio works a top wristlock on Volador and turns that into the Giant Swing, which gets two for Mox. Volador fights back with a superkick and it’s hot tag Dorada, and he botches a double armdrag on Mox and Bryan. But they clear the ring anyway and we get a pair of topes from the CMLL guys before Dorada adds a shooting star to the floor for the car wreck spot.

Back in the ring, Hechicero with a spinning hammerlock into a backbreaker on Danielson, and Dorada follows with a 450 for two. Destroyer on Claudio gets two. Bryan with the knee on Volador, but Hechicero hits Danielson with a flying elbow and then slugs it out with Claudio. He rolls up Claudio for two and gets a wacky inverted figure-four on him, but Bryan breaks that up. So Hechicero wraps up Bryan in a stretch muffler, but Mox breaks that up. And then BCC hits him with elbows in the corner, but he comes back with a legdrop on Claudio for two. Ref gets bumped in the corner, so Claudio goes low on Hechicero and pins him at 14:41. For me, it wasn’t great. It was pretty sloppy a lot of the way with the CMLL guys trying to do too much and not really accomplishing anyway, and they also missed the peak with the finish by about 3 minutes. Also, the luchadors have zero credibility because, just like with WCW, they literally never win matches and the BCC doesn’t do jobs. ***1/4. Afterwards, more CMLL invaders try to storm the ring, but AEW luminaries such as Daddy Magic and Matt Sydal make the save to even things up. Yeah I’m not feeling this whole deal.

Meanwhile, the Undisputed Kingdom lays out Chuckie before he can even be checked out! Well at least we know who they are this time.

Tony Khan has a major announcement! And indeed, AEW returns on Boston on March 13 for Dynamite, because that’s AEW Big Business. But no announcement for Mercedes. So yeah, not actually much of an announcement. Maybe instead of the “best kept secret” stuff they should just ANNOUNCE HER SIGNING. Announcing a future show with some “wink wink” stuff when ticket sales are not exactly going great at the moment is not a chance I’d personally be taking.

Chris Jericho v. Konosuke Takeshita

They fight to the floor and Takeshita gets a brainbuster on the floor after some motivation from Callis, but Jericho fights back with a missile dropkick in the ring. Man just came back from a brainbuster on the floor, sure, why not. Hobbs trips him up, so Sammy hits the ring and gives Hobbs a cutter on the floor, which Hobbs just shrugs off, so Sammy gets a chairshot and Hobbs brushes that off as well and just kind of walks away in annoyance. Jericho with a dive on Takeshita to the floor, but Takeshita suplexes him back in the ring and beats on him with chops. They slug it out with forearms and chops, but Takeshita whiplashes him into the ropes with a seated dropkick and then hits Jericho with a tope con hilo. Back in, Jericho blocks a senton, but the Lionsault hits knees. Takeshita counters the Walls into a cradle for two and he rolls into a wheelbarrow suplex. Jericho counters the clothesline with a codebreaker for two. Another LIonsault is countered with the Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Takeshita blocks the Judas and hits Jericho with a knee in the corner. Jericho slugs away in the corner, but Takeshita hits him with the top rope Blue Thunder for two. Jericho is looking seriously loopy and having troubles taking bumps properly here. Takeshita tries the knee and Jericho counters into the Walls, but Callis distracts the ref and nails Jericho with the SCREWDRIVER OF DEATH and Takeshita gets his own Walls, and Jericho taps out at 13:50. Jericho doing anything but a strong job here would have been ridiculous. Match wasn’t great and Jericho was way out of step and couldn’t take bumps properly for most of it, but it made the point for Takeshita. But it’s time to put this Callis feud to bed because it’s been MONTHS and it’s just going around in circles. ***. Really, can Jericho just, you know, GO AWAY for a couple of months and do some touring and let someone else on TV for a while?

AEW World tag team title: Big Bill & Ricky Starks v. Sting & Darby Allin

This is a tornado match, complete with two referees to honor Gorilla Monsoon I’m assuming, and they fight into the crowd right away for some mayhem, but Sting climbs a balcony and dives onto Bill and Starks to break up a beating on Darby. Sting and Darby beat on them with garbage cans, but Darby gets hurled back to ringside by Bill and suplexed onto the apron by Starks. So Sting beats on them both with a chair to slow them down. Darby misses the charge in the corner and Starks beats on him while Bill takes out Sting at ringside and dances in celebration. But then he tries a Stinger splash on the railing and misses. So Sting hits the real one, and Bill just soaks it up and then levels Sting with a clothesline. Darby dives onto Billy and Bill catches him and just trucks him with a spinning Bossman slam on the floor in a great spot. Back in, Bill tosses Darby around like a toy and hits a double choke slam in the corner and they go to double-team Darby, but Sting makes the save. He crotches Bill on the top rope, but Starks hits Sting with his own Scorpion Death drop for two. Darby saves and hits Bill with the Coffin Drop on the floor while Sting gets the Scorpion Deathlock in the ring, but Bill carries Darby on his back trying to save. But Darby puts him through the table at ringside while Starks makes the ropes and frees himself. Starks pulls the turnbuckle and dodges a Stinger splash, but Sting no-sells and Starks spears him for two. But then Sting fires up again, hits the Deathdrop, and wins the tag team titles at 11:43. A goofy fun brawl and that spinning slam on the floor is gonna live on in GIF form forever I think. ***1/2.

Afterwards, Sting goes to celebrate with his children, who look like 1985 Blade Runners in Memphis if we’re being honest, but the Young Bucks hit the ring and lay out everyone with pipes in a tantrum, before debuting the EVP Trigger on Sting to ruin his big night but good.

I thought it was a very fun and entertaining Dynamite, not quite the PPV quality like the lineup seemed to promise, but the opener was epic and the main event was great and everything else ranged from good to really good so this was a big thumbs up from me.