The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 01.31.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 01.31.24

The McRib is bac in Canada after 10 years! And now I’ve had one and I’m over it again.

Live from New Orleans, LA, setting a new low point for attendance this year. I’m not sure how many more ways we can say RUN SOME SMALLER ARENAS but I guess we’ll say it again. Also this show has a lineup that is hella weak, to put it kindly.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur and Taz

Jon Moxley v. Jeff Hardy

Mox slugs away in the corner, but Jeff takes him to the floor and dives off the apron before choking him out with his hanky. Excalibur clarifies that the rules have been relaxed here because it’s such a big match. Good to know. Mox fights back with his own tope and goes to work on Jeff’s arm in the ring and the drop suplex gets two. Mox does a fancy roll into a headscissors leglock combo on the mat and he tries a Gotch piledriver, but Hardy reverses out of that. So Mox runs him into the post and they fight to the floor again, where Moxley runs afoul of a pack of wild luchadors. I don’t know how they managed to get through Trump’s wall. Maybe they were wearing masks and no in Texas recognized them? We take a break and return with Moxley using a ball point pen and then hitting a piledriver for two. They fight to the apron and Jeff gets a Twist of Fate on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and Jeff comes back in with the Whisper in the Wind for two. Jeff goes up again and Mox brings him down with a superplex. Jeff tries the Twist of Fate and Mox reverses that to his own cutter, but Jeff gets the legdrop cradle for two. Jeff with the stunner and he goes up but whiffs on the swanton, and Mox chokes him out at 15:04. They were struggling mightily for the first half but Mox was determined to get something good here and he succeeded. ***1/4 Mox offers a handshake and Jeff flips him off, and Mox kinda respects that. And then he yells at the luchadors again and they all jump the wall and attack him. See! FOX NEWS WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME! Actually maybe TK should go down to the border and give out tickets to the invading caravans of immigrants that MAGA fears so much. It would probably help AEW fill arenas for TV.

Hangman Page v. Toa Liona

Of all the people that Swerve could choose in storyline to mess with Page and it’s…half of an ROH tag team having his first singles match? Toa pounds him down and puts Hangman down with a lariat, and they head to the floor for a bodypress from Toa off the apron. Back in with a butt splash for two. Page slugs back, but takes an awkward bump to the floor off a pounce and we take a break. Back with Liona hitting a diving headbutt in the corner and they head to the floor again, where Hangman gets a pair of dives but Toa can’t really sell properly. Back in, Hangman with a crossbody for two. He tries the Deadeye and Liona kind of reverses him to a Pedigree and hits a superkick for two. Page fights back with a series of lariats and puts him down with the Deadeye, but Liona no-sells it and headbutts Page down again. Ripcord lariat gets two. Back to the floor again as Toa hits a senton on the apron, but he misses a moonsault and Page hits his own. Back in, Liona ducks the buckshot lariat, but he tries a samoan drop and Page cradles with a crucifix for the pin at 13:00. This was decent enough for someone having their first singles match on TV but it felt like it went too long and Page fighting from underneath the whole time didn’t feel particularly believable. **1/2

Meanwhile, the Young Bucks fine some poor intern $500 for getting their names wrong.

Wardlow v. Komander

Wardlow throws Komander around the ring while the Kingdom wheels Adam Cole over to commentary. So now they’re veering back into comedic territory again with the wheelchair stuff. Which is fine, but we were already there months ago and didn’t need all the misdirections with the Devil stuff to get back there again. Wardlow chokes Komander out on the ropes and tosses him with a helicopter slam before stopping to pose on the KhanTron. Komander reverses a powerbomb on the floor and makes a comeback in the ring with a ropewalk dropkick. Phoenix splash gets two. But then Wardlow has had enough and hurks him into a powerslam before finishing with the falling kneelift and powerbomb at 5:30. *.Wardlow nearly dropped him on his head with that powerbomb and he looked terrible here. They go to beat on Komander further, but the Best Friends make the save. With MJF gone the Undisputed Kingdom thing just seems SO pointless now.

Meanwhile, Big Bill & Ricky Starks sit down for an interview with Sting & Darby Allin and Bill once again cuts a sneaky great promo about how he’s constantly overlooked, and then Darby threatens to brawl with Starks, setting up the tag title match next week. This was really good.

Chris Jericho v. Kyle Fletcher

Fletcher catches him with a Michinoku Driver with STANK on it right away, and that gets two. Jericho takes him to the floor and goes after Don Callis, but Fletcher saves and they head back into the ring. Kyle slugs away in the corner and adds a kick to the back for two. They fight to the top and Jericho brings him down with a rana, but Callis trips up Jericho and Fletcher takes over as we take a break. Brainbuster gets two. Jericho comes back with a double axehandle, but now Hobbs interferes and Fletcher gets two. Jericho gets the Walls and Fletcher fights out and makes the ropes as the crowd chants “Where’s your socks” at Callis. It’s a valid question. Codebreaker gets two. Back to the top and they get a terrifying botch on the brainbuster attempt and just kind of collapse into the corner, and Fletcher gets two off that. Jericho blocks a sunset flip for two, but he goes after Callis again and Fletcher superkicks him out of the ring. But then Fletcher tries a dive and Jericho hits him with the Judas Effect on the way down, and back in for a flying Judas Effect to finish at 13:39. WTF was with Jericho here? *1/2

Meanwhile, Deonna Purrazzo explains the tattoo story. Hopefully Bully Ray was watching.

The Bang Bang Scissor Gang join us for some wackiness, and they’ve FIRED Cardblade and replaced him with JuiceBoard. “How many cardboard people are under the ring?” wonders Taz. So Austin Gunn tries to do the catchphrase, and Billy is like “I’m standing RIGHT HERE”.

Deonna Purrazzo v. Taya Valkryie

Toni Storm joins us on commentary of course. “I was going to tell Taya ‘Tits out’ but it looks like she already got the memo.” The announcers stand no chance with Toni and she has them all cracking up before we even get to the commercial break. Deonna chases Taya to the floor, but Deonna goes after Johnny TV and Taya spears her and sends her into the stairs to take over. We take a break while Johnny and Taya make out, and return with Toni trying to crack up the announce desk again. “They’re no Wendi Richter.” Deonna with a pump kick for two. Toni, meanwhile, got a set of beads as a gift from New Orleans. But not the ones for her neck. Donna dropkicks Taya to the floor and goes after Toni, who throws up her fists to defend herself. “SOMEONE’S PISSED IN MY SEAT!” And then Deonna submits Taya with a double armbar at 9:00 but everything and everyone is helpless at the hands of Hurricane Toni destroying everything in her path. Match seemed OK but no one in their right mind could be paying attention to it with Toni there.

Meanwhile, Darby Allin’s interview with Renee is hijacked by the Young Bucks.

Swerve Strickland v. Rob Van Dam

Yes, the not-so-secret opponent is indeed RVD. I believe he also got in trouble for swerving when he drove at one point. Hangman makes this a hardcore match, so Rob nails Swerve with a chair right away and they fight to the floor and Rob hits him with a guillotine legdrop as we take a break. Back with Swerve sending him into a chair in the corner for two. Rob reverses him into the chair and follows with Rolling Thunder and a chair dropkick in the corner. Swerve comes back with a powerbomb on the chair for two. Rob crotches Swerve and goes up, but Brian Cage comes out to interfere, and Hook makes the save with his own chair. But then RVD gets all distracted, perhaps due to something affecting his attention span adversely. Swerve tries a rollup and Rob reverses to his own for two, but Swerve gets a flatliner for two. Back to the floor and Swerve puts him on a chair and hits the Swerve stomp off the apron, as Rob doesn’t fall back on the move and that looked bad. Back in the ring, Swerve goes up again, but Rob shoves him off and through a table at ringside. But back in, the frog splash misses and Swerve hits him in the face with a chair for two. Swerve Stomp finishes at 13:37. Rob looked good here with all the smoke and mirrors, but who in their right mind would buy him having a chance to beat Swerve? ***.

And we finish with Hangman and Swerve having one more face-to-face, as we learn that next week they face each other one last time to determine the #1 contender for Samoa Joe. Oh and…Tony Khan Has a Big Announcement. And we were doing so well with avoiding those for the past few months, too.

The crowd was mostly engaged but this episode was a complete punt as they build to next week’s episode, where people are actually buying tickets. This one did nothing for me and I was kind of drifting in and out for most of it, although I liked the Moxley-Hardy match at least and Toni Storm is amazing.