The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark – 12.16.25

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark – 12.16.25

Originally written 12.16.25

Hey Microsoft, you’ve updated Word 3 or 4 times in the past week. IT’S UPDATED ENOUGH. Just let me process my document and leave me alone!

It’s a Christmas miracle! Dark is back! Well for one show. Also it’s a short one so we’ll throw a little bonus match at the end that you can probably guess. Hope you can SEE IT.

“AEW Dark Stocking Stuffer”

Taped from Cardiff, Wales

Your hosts are Excalibur & Taz

https://youtu.be/zWbwS4eDbOU?si=_46ph_2Ykv494mAh

Isla Dawn v. Marina Shafir

I didn’t even realize Isla was gone from WWE but hopefully she’s doing well on the indies again. Marina takes her down and works a headlock on the mat, so Isla stomps the bare foot to escape. Marina doesn’t like that and fights back with kicks before choking her out on the ropes. Dawn fights back with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Marina boots her down again and takes her to the apron with a headscissor DDT in a neat spot before beating on Isla with chops on the floor. Meanwhile Taz has apparently taken off his shoes and socks in tribute to Marina and had them stolen by the Cardiff crowd because they’re 100% really in Cardiff doing this commentary. Isla (or is it Is-la? Wonders Taz) comes back with a roundhouse kick and backdrop suplex for two. Taz: “Oh, you DO know the names of some suplexes, how about that?” Then Shafir blasts her with a lariat and finishes with the sleeper at 6:00. Marina looked a bit more confident with the Death Rider push behind her but she’s still not a top level worker or anything. **1/4

Meanwhile, Harley Cameron sings about the 12 Days of AEW Shop.

Mark Andrews, Kid Lykos & Kid Lykos 2 v. Mascara Dorada, Orange Cassidy & Roderick Strong

Wait, so is Dorada conglomerating now? Do the Lykos Family have a butler named Jeeves that they ask questions frequently? Dorada hits Andrews with an enzuigiri and puts the Likos on the floor, but Mandrews cleans house on the babyfaces until Orange has to come in via a lukewarm tag to handle business. Orange takes Lykos 2 down and goes to the pockets, hitting the stunner and bringing an annoyed Roddy in. So Strong tosses Orange into Lykos in the corner and then hits Lykos with backbreaker. Dorada takes out the geeks on the floor and Roddy finishes a Lykos with End of Heartache at 4:18. Just a quick squash for the Conglomeration Adjacent.

Nathan Cruz & The Grizzled Young Veterans v. The Death Riders (Pac, Wheeler Yuta & Jon Moxley)

I heard Wheeler Yuta boils water for tea in the microwave. Wheeler beats Drake down in the corner, but Drake hits him with a bodypress and an elbow to take over. Gibson comes in for the double-team in the corner, but Pac tags in to save and he gets double-teamed as well. Over to Cruz and he hits Pac with a slingshot into a backdrop suplex for two. Everyone brawls on the floor and Mox runs Drake into the stairs with some gusto, as the Riders take over on Cruz in the corner. Moxley suplexes Cruz onto the top rope to set up a kneedrop from Yuta that gets two, and we get some SMALL JOINT MANIPULATION to the delight of Taz. Today I learned that there’s sometimes ALCOHOL in eggnog, if you can believe that, according to information imparted by the commentary here. Sadly I’m already well over my quota of 3 drinks per year that I’m budgeted as a (mumble) year old guy with blood pressure issues. GYV double-team Pac and Drake gets a gutbuster for two, but they go for a Doomsday Device and Pac escapes to bring in Mox. Cutter for Gibson gets two. He beats on Gibson with kicks, but Zack comes back with a lungblower and it’s back to Cruz for a Mayday slam on Moxley that gets two. But the Death Riders regroup and Mox hits him with a shotgun dropkick (Jones) as the Riders wallop him over and over and Pac hits him with a lariat and Brutalizes him for the submission at 8:43. Babyfaces looked OK here but I never really got the GYV and this didn’t exactly change my mind. **1/2

A very pleasant and easy to watch half hour!

Ok, what other notable matches might be lurking on YouTube from this past week that people have been emailing me about…let’s see…

John Cena v. Gunther

https://www.youtube.com/live/NCVmnQkDUXA?si=c683agFwhm_oBTKj

I didn’t really feel like sitting through the whole show but this is worth a look at least. Plus I’ve had a bunch of 19 year old fans on Threads man-splain the time honored tradition to me on my timeline since the match, so I feel confident in my ability to properly enjoy it now on a deeper level. Cena of course gets a massive babyface reaction, which is impressive given how badly they cooked his retirement tour. See, thanks to my daughter, I’m hip to the lingo of the youths, and apparently if you did something good, you “cooked”, but if you did something badly, you’re “cooked”. Also what the fuck is the Drifter doing as one of the featured wrestling luminaries hugging Cena at ringside? Can that dude even afford the ticket prices at a TKO show on a TNA salary? Lillian has a nice old school intro with the ceiling microphone, despite the ring being covered in ads. They fight for the lockup and Gunther retreats from that to annoy the crowd and then puts Cena down with forearms. Crowd is muted while chanting “Fuck you Gunther”, which is really dumb on YouTube, and Gunther hits him with chops and a slam before running him into the corner. Cena fights back with shoulderblocks and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Gunther suplexes him. Gunther with the lariat and he goes for the sleeper early but Cena escapes and reverses to the STF. Gunther makes the ropes and CREATES SEPERATION before powerbombing John to take over again. He asks the ref to ask Cena, but I’ve been reasonably informed that Cena never gives up so that’s probably a waste of time. Gunther with a clothesline and Gunther wants Cena asked again, but CENA DOESN’T GIVE UP. That’s his whole deal. Gunther with another lariat, and then he waits for Cena to get up and levels him with another lariat. Cena’s taking a bigger ass-beating than Peacemaker did in season 2. Gunther with a third lariat and the crowd wants “Super Cena”, so he makes the comeback with another Five Knuckle Shuffle and an AA for two. But Gunther hooks him in the sleeper, so Cena reverses to his own and Gunther has to make the ropes this time. They fight to the floor and Cena hits the stairs, allowing Gunther to prep the announce table, only to fall victim to an AA through the table. Back in the ring, the guillotine legdrop gets two.

So Cena wants ONE MORE Five Knuckle Shuffle, for the last time, but Gunther pops up and boots him in the face before powerbombing him for two. So they fight to the top and Cena hits him with an AA off the top, which gets two. They slug it out for the Boo/Yay stuff, but Gunther powerbombs him and goes up with the flying splash for two. Cena powers up again, but Gunther puts him in the sleeper again and Cena has to fight out again, but Gunther keeps hooking the move again and again. The crowd tries chanting “Don’t Give Up” while Gunther keeps going back to the sleeper, but Cena hits one last AA for two. But back to the sleeper again we go, and tonight there was no joy in Mudville because Mighty Cena has tapped out at 24:00. I think this was about the best they getting out of broken down Cena and they gave the crowd what they were looking for. EXCEPT for the finish, which sucked. The “time honored tradition” shit is nonsense invented by Vince McMahon to screw over Bret Hart. Also the idea is to make someone a star on the way out of the promotion when joining a rival, not when retiring. For $12,000 a seat or whatever they were charging, WWE should have 100% allowed Cena to win his last match and sent the crowd home happy. But really, given how much the crowd was in on the show with the chants through the match, maybe they were happy to be “Shocked Undertaker Fan” at the end so they could get some camera time? Anyway, the match is well worth watching in the end but I think the Cody match at Summerslam is still the best of his last run by far. ****

So there we go! A fun night of wrestling featuring both sides of the aisle on YouTube.