The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 07.13.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 07.13.24

This show is probably gonna do the first ever literal 0.0 rating, but it’s taped in Calgary so I can actually watch it on TSN for once. Plus I think everyone just needs to maybe cool things down a bit and watch some wrestling. You know, so we can all get away from the tribalism…never mind.

Taped from CALGARY, ALBERTA, CANADA

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Nigel McGuinness

Konosuke Takeshita v. “Dynamite Kid” Tommy Billington

Well young Tommy certainly looks exactly like the previous Tom Billington at about the same age. They trade armdrags and Takeshita bails to the floor. Back in, Kid hits him with a Stampede dropkick and then misses a second one, allowing Takeshita to put the boots to him to take over. But then Billington hits him with a crossbody and they tumble to the floor. Back in the ring, Tommy teases the diving headbutt, but Takeshita crotches him and brings him down with a top rope superplex for two. Test of strength and they battle over that, but Takeshita slugs him down in the corner and then sends him into the post and out to the floor as we take a break. Back with Tommy making a comeback with a snap suplex and the diving headbutt attempt #2, but Takeshita slams him off to break it up. Takeshita misses a blind charge, however, and they exchange tombstone attempts before Billington successfully hits it but can’t make the cover. So he goes up and tries a THIRD headbutt, but this one also goes bad and misses. Takeshita spikes him with the Blue Thunder Bomb for two off that. Tommy tries a small package and Takeshita blocks, so he gets a rollup for two instead. Takeshita just waffles him with a lariat to put him down and follows with the knee strike to finish at 13:32. Good effort from young Billington although he never seemed to be in Takeshita’s league due to the size difference. ***. Afterwards, Don Callis hits the ring and offers to be a mentor for Billington, in the same way Bad News Allen was the mentor for both himself and Dynamite Kid. So Don welcomes him to the Family, but Tommy doesn’t want in, so Takeshita takes him out from behind and the beatdown is on until FTR makes a surprise appearance, having taken ALL OF THE STEROIDS in the interim, to make the save. I guess Dax’s crippling back injury healed up incredibly quick?

Meanwhile, Mariah May wins the Owen Hart tournament over Willow, but then does one of the all time great heel turns and leaves Toni Storm for dead.

The Bang Bang Gang (Juice & The Gunns) v. Shawn Moore, Michael Allen Richard Clark & London Lightning

Tony clarifies that the Trios titles are NOT contested under Freebird rules, so Juice can’t defend them tonight. The BBG triple team Moore, so he retreats and brings in Clark, who falls victim to the Gunns literally calling for a dropkick to the face and then hitting it. Juice slugs London out of the ring, and the 3:10 to Yuma finishes MARC at 2:10. Juice makes sure to whizz on the jobber afterwards as Tony notes that he’s making a mockery of them. One of the guys is named LONDON LIGHTNING. Getting peed on is the least silly thing about him. Afterwards, the Gang celebrates their awesomeness as Unified champions. But Christopher Daniels interrupts and announces that they’re STRIPPED of the titles because Jay White is injured and Juice isn’t allowed to defend them. What kind of a horseshit decision is that? But then Christian and his crew interrupt and want to be awarded the titles RIGHT NOW, but instead Daniels books them in a match for the titles. The Gunns want it right now, but Christian points out that the crowd is desperate to see a championship win in Calgary because the Flames suck and will never win one. He’s not wrong. So the match will happen some other time. Scintillating stuff.

Meanwhile, Jack Perry is making stars out of his challengers.

Roderick Strong v. Dalton Castle

Winner of this gets a shot at the ROH World title, and Castle has the most 80s backup possible in the form of THE OUTRUNNERS. Shame all three of them are being completely wasted right now. Glad to see Castle at least got his mojo back after the Johnny TV feud. Dalton outwrestles Roddy and chases him to the floor, but Strong escapes Dalton’s holds by kicking him to the floor. So the Outrunners FIRE HIM UP with the POWER OF GIRTH. My god, just watching them pose makes me want to buy a jetski and ride it while listening to the Miami Vice theme song. So Castle makes the comeback and puts Strong on the floor with a running knee strike, and then hits Strong with a headscissors off the apron. But then the Outrunners flex at the Kingdom, and by god the embarrassment of girth is so distracting, mostly to an impressed Matt Taven, but even to Castle himself, that Strong is able to hit him with a baseball slide to take over as we take a break. I bet they could even turn Calgary women attractive with the sheer force of their youth and vascularity. Back with Strong slamming him, but Castle makes a comeback with a high knee in the corner. But then he tries a charge, but takes too long and flies out to the floor, which allows Matt Taven to say some very mean things about Castle. DON’T YOU LISTEN TO MATT TAVEN, DALTON CASTLE. He’s just mean and kind of a doofus. Back in the ring, Roddy misses the knee, allowing Dalton to try the Bangarang but then switch to a cradle instead for two. Strong hits him with kneelift out of nowhere, however, and pins him at 11:00 to win the title shot. Dalton needs to work on his youth and vascularity training with the Outrunners and regroup for another try. **1/2

Meanwhile, Mark Briscoe is taking a week off and working out in Delaware, and he’s a chicken farmer so he knows all about Blood & Guts.

Meanwhile, Hologram debuts next week.

Meanwhile, Kris Statlander clarifies that Stokely is a hater and she’s petty, so it only makes sense that they helped screw Willow out of the tournament win. And it’s never going to end for Willow.

Nyla Rose v. Ava Lawless

Nyla quickly gets a chokeslam and corner splash on Ava, and then suplexes her and follows with a superkick. Beast Bomb finishes at 1:50.

Top Flight v. Lee Moriarty & Anthony Ogogo

Dante and Moriarty trade some holds on the mat and Dante cradles him for two before going to work on the arm. Ogogo comes in and the Martins double-team him, but Darius gets caught by the heels and we take a break. Back with Moriarty working the arm, but Lee winds up the elbow and takes too long, allowing Darius to slam him and make the hot tag. Springboard crossbody gets two on Ogogo and a rollup gets two. Knee strike and it’s back to Darius, but Ogogo slugs Dante out of the ring and Moriarty slams Darius for two. They slug it out, but Shane Taylor trips up Darius behind the ref’s back, so Action Andretti takes him out. Moriarty rolls up Darius for two, but Darius finishes with a TKO at 12:00. This felt like a Dark Elevation main event in terms of importance but I’d say it overdelivered based on my level of complete apathy towards it going in. **1/2

Meanwhile, Thunder Rosa interrupts Deonna’s interview, and she’s been working through some stuff with her therapist, which leads her to a challenge for a lumberjack match next week on Collision.

Meanwhile, Nyla Rose accepts Mercede’s challenge for Dynamite 250.

Skye Blue v. Harley Cameron

Well this is a weird matchup. Skye has some impressive cowgirl gear but apparently isn’t playing babyface for whatever reason. Skye chokes her out in the corner, but Harley puts her down with a clothesline and some elbows for two. She goes up and Skye brings her down and sends her to the floor with a superkick as we take a break. Back with Skye missing as a charge as Harley gets a rollup for two, and a jawbreaker gets two. Skye with a cradle for two, but Harley puts her down with a running knee for two. Skye blocks a backstabber and cradles for two, and then slams her and rolls into a head and arm choke for the submission at 7:45. Harley continues to impress given her limited experience. **1/4.

Meanwhile, Samoa Joe encounters his greatest ever foe: A FORKLIFT. Also Jericho is slowly dropping the jovial tone and getting more sinister with his “Hi guys” stuff.

Meanwhile, Skye Blue challenges Hikaru Shida for next week.

Orange Cassidy & Kyle O’Reilly v. Matt Taven & Mike Bennett

Hasn’t America been through enough today without putting Matt Taven in a main event on national TV? This is of course non-title because apparently the Kingdom never defends those things despite being champions for seven months now. Actually, that’s not accurate, they’ve apparently defended them twice in seven months. So not quite never. They beat the Infantry once. So that’s something. The Kingdom immediately backs off and discusses how amazing the flexing of Truth Magnum was and how jealous they are of his girth, but that allows Orange the chance to hit a dive on them. Back in the ring, Orange holds off both doofuses alone and clears the ring, and it’s over to Kyle for some kicks. Orange hits Taven with the stunner and Kyle puts Bennett into an anklelock, but the heels escape and Mike necks him on the top rope. Kyle with a sleeper off that, but Taven breaks it up with a running kick for two. We take a break and return with the Kingdom double-teaming Orange for two. He fights them off and kicks them both off, and fights for the hot tag to Kyle. Kyle takes them both out with kicks and a wacky double dragon screw that works because luckily Taven and Bennett are idiots, and then he gets submission attempts on both of them. The Kingdom breaks that up with a pair of wacky double-teams for two, but Orange makes the save. Kyle catapults them into each other and it’s back to Orange , but Bennett blocks the Orange Punch. So he hits the Beach Break instead and that gets two, at which point Roderick Strong hits the ring to make another pitch to Kyle. This allows Trent Beretta to take out Orange while Ishii brawls with Strong, and the Kingdom double-teams Kyle with a stuff piledriver to finish at 14:00. But then Trent goes after Kyle O’Reily as well, and the Kingdom wants no part of that because they’re friends with Kyle, and that allows Orange to regroup with a damn monkey wrench and smash Trent’s head in to get some revenge. I guess Trent is now injured anyway, which is why they wrote him out here. I would call this a good match but not really much of a main event. ***

This was a very pleasant but ultimately completely throwaway and dull episode of Collision, which is like most of them these days and that’s why I don’t watch it very much anymore. Whatever mojo TK is trying to throw at Dynamite in order to razzle-dazzle the WBD execs is certainly not carrying over to Fridays or Saturdays. But hey, tonight it was just about something to watch, and it certainly filled that purpose.