The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 05.25.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 05.25.24

Live from Las Vegas, NV

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Nigel McGuinness

Jon Moxley joins us to start, and I’ve been informed that New Japan doesn’t want the Takeshita match to be a title match so that the anticipation of the EVIL match isn’t ruined. That’s probably why they’re not doing very well right now. Don Callis immediately interrupts and gets his usual warm reception, before reminding us about how he cost Moxley the AEW World title and then suffered 24 stitches from a gash to the head last year. “One more time!” notes the crowd. That’s pretty harsh. Callis notes that they’re both high-functioning sociopaths and thus, they’re the same. So Don pitches a spot in the Family for Jon, while Moxley stands there with a bemused look on his face and has a counter-offer: 24 more stitches in his head. So this prompts Takeshita to attack and knock Mox out before Pillmanizing the arm. I mean, they’re trying, but no one believes for a second that Takeshita has any chance tomorrow and this feud doesn’t really have much heat.

Meanwhile, after Dynamite last week, Will Ospreay does a promo while covered in blood and it’s now his mission to take the International title away from Strong.

Claudio Castagnoli, Daniel Garcia & Hiroshi Tanahashi v. The Righteous & Lance Archer

Well that’s quite the surprise partner for the babyfaces. Claudio trades shoulderblocks with Dutch to start but gets slammed, so he comes back with his own. Over to Garcia, but Vincent slugs away on him and Garcia fights back. So we get double neckbreakers from the babyfaces, but a dance-off with Garcia and Tana gets broken up by Archer. Vincent with a backdrop suplex on Garcia for two and the heels go to work on him. Garcia fights back with a backdrop suplex on Vincent after absolutely nothing happened during the ad break section, and Tanahashi gets the hot tag. Archer cuts him off with a crossbody, but Garcia pulls Archer to the floor with a choke. This allows Claudio to give Dutch the Giant Swing, but Archer cuts that off. So Claudio gives him a suplex and sends Tanahashi to the top, only for Archer to cut that off as well. Vincent with the assisted sliced bread on Tanahashi for two, but Tana comes back with a sling blade on Vincent and goes up, very slowly and carefully, and finishes with the High Fly Flow at 9:32. Man Tanahashi is COOKED. The babyfaces had zero chemistry and this was never anything better than “OK”. **

Meanwhile, we get a helpful video package recapping the thankless and endless service of the Elite and all they do for AEW. Impressive editing on that one. You could barely even tell when they were altering things.

The Lucha Bros v. The Gunns

Man I’m really starting to hate when they’ve got a baller entrance going like the Bang Bang Gang and the announcers won’t SHUT UP FOR THRITY SECONDS and let it play out without commenting over it. Everyone trades shots to start for a double down, and the Luchas regroup with superkicks to put the Gunns on the floor. Gunns try to hide under the ring, but get pulled out, only to come back with a double-team on Penta in the ring. Gunns work him over and Penta gets run into the ringpost on the floor. Back in, Penta tries an enzuigiri on Colten and Austin cuts him off. Colten with a fireman’s carry, but Penta escapes and superkicks him and makes the hot tag to Fenix. Crossbody on Austin and he pops up with a flying splash on Colten for two. Gunns comes back with a fameasser from Austin that gets two. Fenix escapes 310 to Yuma and the Bros hit the Fear Factor on Austin to finish at 8:00 and thus earn the Trios title match at the PPV. This was fine, I guess, but the Gunns can’t hang at that level and Fenix is obviously still healing. **

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho discusses his record setting FTW title reign, but Bryan Keith pops in and promises to get another shot. Well first he’ll have to win some matches.

Kyle O’Reilly v. KM

KM’s a pretty big dude for an enhancement guy. KM whips Kyle into the corner, but misses a charge and gets guillotined. Armbar finishes at 1:15. This meant nothing and leads to nothing, so yay?

Meanwhile, on Rampage, Mercedes makes an appearance and brawls with Willow to continue setting up their title match.

Willow Nightingale joins us, talking about how she’s going to wreck Mercedes after coming back from a broken neck. Good babyface promo but this match is such a foregone conclusion.

Meanwhile, Trent bumps into Rocky Romero, who still wants to be friends, but Trent is having none of it.

Buddy Matthews & Brody King v. Gates of Agony v. The Infantry v. The Acclaimed

Geez, Caster’s rapping is getting pretty filthy for TBS. Like I don’t know if he got bleeped on the TV feed but that was not only way off the beat, but questionable material. I think it’s time to find something different for them to do. We get a big brawl to start and the crowd wants a meat showdown between Toa and Brody, so they oblige and then everyone brawls on the floor. Back in the ring, Max goes up and Buddy brings him down with a superplex for two. Buddy with the chinlock, but Max fights out and the Infantry comes in and helps with superkicks before Toa lays them out by himself. Then he tags himself in by dragging Max to the corner and goes to continue his beef with Brody, but Buddy flies in with the knees. Brody tries to piledrive Toa, but it’s reversed to a samoan drop for two. Infantry get some shine on Brody with a double-team sequence, but he destroys them both and the House of Black wipes out Bravo with the cannonball to finish at 10:31 while the other teams disappear to the back. This was a complete mess and I don’t know why it needed to be a four-way match. ½*. Like come on, they’ve only sold 7000 tickets for the PPV and we’re wasting time on the go-home show with a bunch of midcarders going nowhere in this shitty match? I know for a FACT that the Outrunners were in Vegas tonight and could have saved this match.

Meanwhile, Adam Copeland does a promo, contemplating joining the House of Black if he loses, but then wonders if maybe the House can join HIM if he wins.

Meanwhile, Toni Storm does a promo after Dynamite, pointing out that life isn’t fair and Serena Deeb “thought that twitching on the floor was a sign that she should keep wrestling” and promises to make her three seizures feel like a walk in the park. STOP THE DAMN MATCH! Well score one for Toni.

Mariah May v. Leyla Hirsch

May chops on Leyla while Nigel makes Motley Crue references. Leyla fights back, so Mariah gives her the dreaded boob rub and follows on the stunned Leyla with a samoan drop and shotgun dropkick. Mariah is a MENACE. May with a PK for two, which prompts a whole rant from Nigel about how “PK Kick” is redundant, and Tony plays dumb to feed him straight lines. Leyla sends Mariah into the stairs outside and goes to a bearhug in the ring, then follows with a mule kick in the corner, but misses a moonsault. And May comes back with clotheslines and a backdrop driver to set up a missile dropkick for two. Mariah misses the hip attack and Leyla comes back with a german suplex for two. And Mariah puts her down with a pump kick for the pin at 7:20. Mariah was a total babyface here, thankfully. **

Meanwhile, Serena Deeb tries to come back from being destroyed by Toni Storm’s verbal beatdown earlier. NOPE. Nobody can come back from that one. They might as well cancel the match, she’s already lost.

Bryan Danielson & FTR v. Jeff Jarrett, Jay Lethal & Satnam Singh

FTR and Bryan work on Lethal in their corner to start as we learn that in fact Jeff Jarrett is UNDEFEATED against Bryan Danielson. Frankly I’m not surprised, I don’t think Bryan can hang with someone at the level of JJ. Cash gets caught in the heel corner and Satnam necks him on the top rope, allowing Jay to get a figure-four. Cash escapes that, but Jeff Jarrett comes in and puts the boots to Cash before going to work on the leg and showing us his own figure-four. Cash fights that off somehow and brings in Dax, who slugs away on Team Jarrett and cradles Jay for two. But then Satnam clobbers him from the apron and Lethal takes over again. The heels are so confident that they stop to rest outside, but Danielson gets the hot tag and beats on JJ in the corner. Running dropkicks in the corner set up the Lebell Lock, but Lethal breaks it up. Bryan and Cash hit the heels with dives outside, and everyone teams up on Satnam in the ring. He can’t even sell any of that properly, including taking an FTR Trigger and Busaiku knee, barely even going down to one knee, and we get another Aubrey v. Karen battle while Jarrett goes after Bryan. But this backfires as Bryan hits him with the knee and pins him at 10:27. This was all over the place, as they were trying to do a serious six-man for a while and then suddenly switched to wacky Jeff Jarrett shenanigans and it never really clicked. I enjoyed the Jarrett circus for what it was for a while, but it’s way past the expiry date now and they have to keep Satnam out of the ring from now on. **1/2. And then FTR do a “rah rah AEW” speech to end the show and surprisingly there’s no big angle with the Elite or anything to build up the PPV.

A completely skippable episode that is a huge disappointment as a go-home show, outside of Toni Storm obliterating Serena Deeb with a Tyson-like verbal knockout shot. Just reinforces why I don’t usually waste my time with Collision, once again. I’m hoping the PPV can bring the match quality to save the day, because I’m not feeling the build to this one, like at all.