The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Inside The Steel Cage

– Everything from here on in is within the confines of everyone’s old friend, the cage. Girly men need not apply.

– Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd.

See, right here: You can’t really accuse either guy of being a sissy. JIP as Andre sends Studd into the cage a few times. Blood flows. Now that’s what I like to see right off the bat on this sort of tape. Cheapshot stops the abuse, and Studd takes over. They fight by the door, then Studd unsuccessfully tries a slam. Andre kneelifts him, but misses a headbutt. John crawls for the door, but gets stopped. He chokes him out and crawls again, but gets stopped. They lay around by the door for a bit. Andre sends him to the cage again, but Studd goes low and lunges for the door. No dice. They slug it out…and Studd WINS? He takes a run at Andre right after, however, and walks into a boot. Andre pounds away, slams him, and heads upstairs (?!) for a BUTTDROP OFF THE TOP! See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya, as Andre walks out at 9:48 and Studd lays there twitching in shock. 1 for 1, for the finish.

– Kamala v. Andre the Giant.

From Toronto, just the finish shown, same as above.

– Magnificent Muraco v. Jimmy Snuka.

Just the last couple of minutes, as Snuka reverses a whip and chops him down. Fistdrop and two flying headbutts send Muraco crashing into the cage…and out to the floor at 2:23 shown. Oops. Snuka tosses him back in, of course, and delivers the famous Superfly Splash off the top of the cage. 2 for 2, for eventually creating Mick Foley’s wrestling career as a direct result of him being visible in the front row.

– Tito Santana & Bruno Sammartino v. Randy Savage & Adrian Adonis.

This is the blowoff for a tag match they had on a previous Coliseum video stemming from a Santana-Savage match. Bigass brawl to start. Bruno pounds Savage, and Adonis goes after Tito. Savage weasels his way to the door, but Bruno stops it. Savage nails both babyfaces and climbs up, but Bruno again grabs the leg. He chokes Savage with his own headband. Adonis dives for the door, but Tito stops him. Bruno sends Savage flying into the corner and stomps a mudhole, while Adonis suplexes Tito. Bruno stops Adrian from climbing out, but that’s only a decoy for Savage to dive for the door. Tito barely catches him. Bruno crotches Adonis, while Savage rams Tito into the cage and Bruno does the same to Adonis. Blood starts flowing. Macho dives for the door, Bruno saves. They fight over cage rights as Adonis rakes Tito unmercifully on the cage on the other side, like 10 times back and forth. Savage eats cage and Santana slugs away at him. Savage nails him and goes up, but gets added to the Nation’s Punched on the way down. Adonis goes for the door, and tears the wooden stairs apart as Bruno drags him back in. Meanwhile, Savage gets sent to the cage and blades himself while flying through the air, resulting in a five-alarm Mexican-quality bladejob. OH YEAH, GIG IT. I dunno if the blade slipped or something, but he’s absolutely gushing and the cameraman is actually reluctant to film him. Adonis goes up and splashes Bruno as Savage starts bleeding all over the place. Now, normally I don’t condone mindless self-mutilation, but 1986 Savage is cooler than anyone who could possibly accuse me of hypocrisy on the subject, so he wins by default. Savage climbs and is foiled by Santana, as they slug it out on top. Savage tumbles and falls onto Adonis, and Bruno walks out for the win at 10:00. Literally non-stop action – there was just no point when some sort of gratuitous violence wasn’t going on. 3 for 3, and an easy **** rating were I rating these here matches. This match was so manly that you’ll want to get drunk and shoot a deer afterwards.

– Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana.

Same as before, except clipped, albeit in better manner than the IC title history tape. 4 for 4.

– WWF title: Bruno Sammartino v. George Steele.

This is from the 60s, and looks like it’s filmed on 8mm tape. Steele was a huge heel back then. Bruno punts him a few times, but George goes low. Cut to Steele eating a turnbuckle and rubbing stuffing in Bruno’s face, apparently blinding him. That goes on for a while. Bruno swings away, but can’t see anything. Steele stomps away. Bruno is miraculously cured and pounds away, then sends George to the cage and walks out at 6:03. 4 for 5.

– Bruno Sammartino v. Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Aha, another manly man. This is pre-turn for Piper. He shows this by bringing Chicago Bears posters to the ring and taping them to the cage. Given I know or care nothing about football, I’ll assume that since this is in Boston, Chicago must have beaten New England in 85 to win the Super Bowl. A quick check with NFL.com confirms that. Bruno attacks and sends Piper to all four walls, and Piper is reeling. And bleeding. Bruno rubs the poster in his face, and rips the Bears shirt off him, then stomps on Piper’s head to widen the cut. Bruno spits on him and tries to walk out…but gets hit low and falls back in. Piper lays in the boots and goes low again. Hey, all’s fair in cage matches. Crowd goes nuts for Bruno as Piper pounds away and chokes him down with the shirt. He goes for the door, but can’t get out. Bruno takes the cage like a MAN, but recovers in time to stop Piper again. Piper climbs and gets pulled back, and Bruno makes the comeback to hammer on Piper. They tussle over the door and Bruno starts whipping ass. Piper starts a fistfight, but can’t finish it. Piper’s blood is all over the place, but he takes over again and stomps away, then tries to climb. Bruno returns the ballshot, which Piper sells like a gunshot. Bruno crawls for the door, nails Piper in the head with a chair for good measure, and leaves at 8:41. Pure Good v. Evil stuff here, and tons of fists and fury result. 5 for 6.

– WWF title: Bob Backlund v. Pat Patterson.

This is from 1979, and I know what you’re thinking: How can any discussion of either manliness OR mindless violence include Pat Patterson (or Backlund for that matter). Read on, oh ye of little faith, and save the Patterson jokes for another rant. They fire away and Bob sends him to the cage. He learns this stuff fast. He drops a leg and climbs, but Pat pulls him back and goes for the door right away. Bob grabs a leg and hauls him in, and kneelifts him. Bob goes up again, but can’t fight Pat off. Bob eats cage, and Pat DIVES for the door, but gets stopped at the last second by Backlund, who proceeds to dive for the door himself in one motion, before Pat stops him and chokes him down. He goes up, but gets pulled down by the foot. Bob pounds away on top, and both guys tumble down. Pat recovers and bolts over again, but Bob barely catches him by the leg and hangs on for dear life. They fight on the top, with Pat half out of the cage hanging onto the top, until Backlund drags him back in again. Pat gets a lowblow to knock Bob off the cage, and he just pounds the shit out of him, opening up a cut in the process. Pat climbs, but Bob pops up and yanks him back in, only to get another stiff beating as a reward. Bob comes back and they butt heads for the double KO. Both guys climb, but Pat changes his mind and chooses to pull Bob back in instead. Pat headbutts the cut and they slug it out on the mat. Bob catapults him into the cage, drawing blood, and he crawls for the door. They slug it out again and Pat goes the cage a few times as Bob’s inner barbarian is unleashed. Bob starts dropping fists, Pat shoves him into the cage and climbs again. Bob atomic drops him out of the corner (that was his big finish at the time), and climbs, but Patterson finds an international object and takes a swing at Backlund. They fight on top of the cage, as Backlund knocks the knuckle dusters off Patterson’s hand and both guys tumble to the mat. Bob crawls for the door again, but Patterson grabs the leg. Bob just starts kicking at Patterson’s face like a maniac, until finally the momentum alone is enough to push him right out of the cage and to the floor at 13:25. Best match of the tape, a ****1/4 classic. 6 for 7. Backlund earned his crewcut here.

– We finish with the Hogan v. Bundy match from Wrestlemania 2, which again I can’t be bothered to review again. God forbid we go 90 minutes without being reminded of Hogan’s divine presence. 6 for 8.

The Bottom Line: Well, interjection of the Orange Goblin aside, Inside the Steel Cage is probably one of the best tapes that the WWF ever released, chock full of the kind of senseless and wanton mayhem that makes boys into men and casual fans flee. XPW are wimps – this is the real deal.