Mike Reviews IMPACT Wrestling #648 – Total Nonstop Deletion

Happy Friday Everyone!

We’ve got some classic TNA/IMPACT for you today with Total Nonstop Deletion, a special edition of Impact’s weekly show held from the Hardy Compound featuring a bizarre Main Event chockful of cameos. I wasn’t actually watching the show with any regularity at the time, but I remember listening to Bryan and Vinny’s review of this crazy event and it actually sounded fun, so I watched it at the time and remember kind of liking it. Let’s see if that’s still the case nearly 10 years later. Thanks to F&C for uploading this, and many other great content to boot!

You can view the full card for Total Nonstop Deletion by clicking below;

IMPACT Wrestling #648 – Total Nonstop Deletion Card

Total Nonstop Deletion is emanating from The Dome Of Deletion at the Hardy Compound in Cameron, North Carolina on the 1st of November 2016, with the episode then airing on the 15th of December 2016

Calling the action are Josh Mathews & Jeremy Borash

We see The Hardy Family getting ready for the show. Reby is playing piano, Senor Benjamin is getting some fireworks, Jeff Hardy is mowing the lawn and Matt Hardy is out in a boat on the lake.

A faux newscast warns everyone to stay in their homes ahead of the big Main Event tonight. Apparently a live volcano has formed in Cameron, leaving to Itchweeed trying to attack it with his lawnmower. That was very silly and quite funny because of it.

Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Senor Benjamin head down to the ring, where Matt does his usual Broken schtick, which is unbelievably silly, but still entertaining because he totally commits to it. Talking about committing to silliness, Rockstar Spud is here! Spud says he’s sick of having to give up TV time to Matt’s greenhorn 1 year old son, whilst Matt gurns. Spud demands to be the first opponent for Matt’s son, which Matt is okay with.

Opening Match
Rockstar Spud Vs King Maxel

Spud was renowned for being an exciting high flyer in England and then came up with the Rockstar gimmick that eventually led to him getting signed to both TNA/IMPACT and WWE over the years. He’s also a fellow Evertonian and a top bloke. Maxel is Matt Hardy’s son, who is 1 year old at this time. Surprisingly, child services seem to be totally fine with Matt promoting a show where his infant child wrestles a very small angry adult. To be honest, Maxel probably had just as much right being in a wrestling ring as some of IMPACT/TNA’s other talent during this timeframe. Maxel doesn’t actually have to do any wrestling though, as Senor Benjamin zaps Spud with a Stun Gun (the item, not the move) and that leads to Maxel getting an easy win.

1 Minute

WINNER: KING MAXEL
RATING: N/A

Thoughts: At least they gave Spud an out I suppose. I’m surprised they didn’t have Jeff Jarrett immediately run out and blast Maxel with a guitar following this in order to show him what the TNA pecking order was

The Disco Inferno is relieved that it wasn’t him getting pinned by a 1 year old.

Earlier today; Bobby Lashley shows up in a 4×4, whilst Eddie Edwards walks through the trees, in his gear I should add. Wrestling boots are good in a wrestling ring but probably not the best attire if you’re walking through a forest in November. This kind of made Edwards look dumb to be honest, at least Lashley was smart enough to have appropriate transport and attire

The faux news report lets us know that the roads are closed, but The Helms Dynasty arrives in a pickup. Gregory Helms says he knows a thing or two about natural disasters and ploughs on through the roadblock. That was a cute line.

The Express That Rock and Roll’s are here for the Main Event, as Matt Hardy welcomes them into his house in a funny segment, with Robert Gibson being excited at the prospect of some green beans.

Sienna is in the ring and wants a match with Rosemary, but she’s banned from The Hardy Compound after previously trying to abduct King Maxel. Sienna lays down an open challenge, which leads to Vanguard 1, a drone, seemingly accepting the challenge. However, the referee won’t allow a drone to wrestle a woman, so Vanguard 1 has to leave. Thankfully we have a human capable of wrestling Sienna though, with ODB heading out for the match as her food van just happened to be parked outside The Hardy Compound. Well, that was handy!

Match Two
TNA Women’s Knockout Title #1 Contender Bout
ODB Vs Sienna

ODB stands for “One Dirty B***h”, with her being an outrageous alcohol swigging gal with a big old pair of flowery baps. Sienna is more of a darker colder character, although I mostly think of her as the person who really kicked off the pile-on to Tessa Blanchard online when Blanchard made her ill-advised “support me” message just as she was about to win the Men’s belt. This is a hard hitting sprint for the most part, with ODB being over with the fans in The Dome of Deletion. ODB gets both a Bronco Buster and a Thesz Press, but Sienna manages to survive those. The referee accidentally gets squished in the corner, leading to Sienna grabbing a chair, only for ODB to knock it into her face. However, there’s no referee to count. Vanguard 1 tries to ref in his stead, but the human ref recovers and doesn’t like that, leading to him arguing with the drone whilst Sienna lays out ODB with the chair to get the three count when the ref finally pays attention again.

3 Minutes

WINNER: SIENNA
RATING: *1/2

Thoughts: The stuff with the drone was dumb, but the match itself was okay for a quick 3 Minute TV match, with ODB getting some of her signature offence and Sienna winning in a sneaky Heel fashion in order to get her devious villain character over

ODB shows there are no hard feelings with Vanguard 1 by motorboating it after the bout. Welp, that was certainly something that happened.

Matt Hardy promises to reincarnate Shane Gregory Helms in the Lake of Reincarnation later on in the Main Event.

Itchweeed is outside The Dome of Deletion with his lawnmower and weed whacker.

Match Three
Hardy House Rules
Itchweeed Vs Chet Sterling

Itchweeed is Jeff Hardy as a crazed gardener of some kind, who uses his weed whacker to make art, whilst Sterling looks to be someone who worked mostly in the Carolina independent scene. Borash notes that he doesn’t even know what House Hardy Rules are, but he’s guessing that it’s some form of No DQ match, which seems to make sense. Itchweeed is kind of dressed like the lead male character from the Pandemonium games on Saturn and PS1 actually. Itchweeed tries locking Sterling in a sleeper hold at one stage, but Itchweeed ends up going to sleep himself whilst applying the move. I don’t really get the gag, but the crowd seemed to like it, so hey-ho. Itchweeed follows that up by putting Sterling through a table with an elbow drop before following up with the Pesticide Elbow back inside the ring for the three count.

4 Minutes

WINNER: ITCHWEEED
RATING: SQUASH

Thoughts: I don’t really know what Jeff Hardy was going for with this gimmick, so I’ll just chalk it up to being something that isn’t for me and move on

Itchweeed uses the weed whacker to destroy Sterling’s clothes after the bout.

The Hardy Family goes to the zoo, where Matt meets a giraffe that he thinks is possessed by the soul of George Washington, along with a kangaroo that has been possessed by Smokin’ Joe Frazier. The Hardy Brothers then actually fight a kangaroo for a bit. Yes, that was something that happened.

Match Four
TNA World Heavyweight Title
Champion: Eddie Edwards Vs Bobby Lashley

Edwards had won the belt from Lashley in a bit of an upset and now Lashley is going to try and take it back. Edwards seems to be genuinely happy that the fans in The Dome of Deletion are cheering him on. The crowd are actually making some decent noise in fairness to them, even though there’s only about 50 of them in there. Lashley has the size advantage here and he jumps Edwards to start, whilst Edwards has to use his speed and agility in order to hang in there after starting at a disadvantage. Lashley shoves one of audience down at one stage though, which leads to the crowd grabbing Lashley and giving Edwards a chance to fight back.

We take a break, and when we come back Lashley is able to take Edwards down with a clothesline and work some heat. Lashley is wearing a red headband here, leading to the fans chanting “stupid headband” in a funny moment. Edwards sells well and makes sporadic attempts to fight back, whilst the crowd has now moved onto chanting “Boo, Bobby Boo” which is also a pretty funny chant in fairness to them. I’ve seen bigger crowds create less of an atmosphere than these folks in the Dome of Deletion. Edwards eventually manages to take Lashley down for a bit with a desperation Missile Dropkick, leading to the fight heading to ringside where Edwards gets a TOPE SUICIDA.

Edwards gets two from a Shining Wizard back inside the ring in a nicely executed near fall, as the crowd now thinks the match is awesome. Lashley replies with the Dominator, but Edwards is able to kick out in another good near fall, as they are packing as much into the short runtime here as possible. Edwards tries a rana off the apron, but Lashley catches Edwards and flings him onto the fans at ringside, leading to all of them taking a bump. Lashley follows that up by giving Edwards a Spear through a door, with the door basically exploding upon impact and the two wrestlers tumbling out into the cold night. This leads to the two wrestlers brawling into the woods and the bout being thrown out.

7 Minutes

NO CONTEST (EDWARDS RETAINS)
RATING: ***

Thoughts: This was on it’s way to being really good until the abrupt ending. They worked hard and the crowd in the Dome of Deletion gave it a fun atmosphere

Main Event
TNA World Tag Team Title Tag Team Apocalypto Match
Champions: The Broken Hardys (Brother Nero & Matt Hardy) Vs Rockstar Spud & Swoggle Vs Arik Royal & Mike Jordan Vs Aaron Biggs & Mecha Mercenary Vs Dirty Daddy & Snooty Foxx Vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson) Vs The Bravado Brothers (Harlem Bravado & Lancelot Bravado) Vs The Bruiserweights (Corey Hollis & John Skyler) Vs Decay (Abyss & Crazzy Steve) Vs The Helms Dynasty (Andrew Everett & Trevor Lee) w/ Gregory Shane Helms) Vs The Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) w/ Colby Corino) Vs The Death Crew Council (??? & James Storm)

This is a cinematic match, where folks have been invited to the Hardy Compound in order to fight for the Tag Titles. The public are made to evacuate the property, including the commentary team, which means we don’t get any commentary for this one. The Hardys and RNR team up to use fireworks to chase Decay and The Helms Dynasty away, leading to Matt diving onto the pickup truck of The Helms Dynasty whilst they drive away and Jeff gives chase on a bike with the referee. Whilst The Hardys fight The Helms Dynasty on the outer limits of Cameron, Decay starts making short work of the other teams who are waiting at the gates to get into the compound.

The Bravado Brothers (one of whom I think went on to become the Chase U guy in NXT) use Decay killing people as a chance to sneak in, whilst Spud keeps bragging about his partner, who of course ends up being TAFKA Hornswoggle. Meanwhile, Matt is almost pinned, until the dilapidated boat known as Skarsgaard makes the save or him. Yes, that happened. This then leads to The Helms Dynasty attacking the boat. Yes, that also happened. This in-turn leads to Matt shoving Helms into the Lake of Reincarnation, giving us the Three Count version of Helms. His teammates don’t like that though, so they kick him into the Lake again, leading to The Bravado Brothers coming over to fight The Helms Dynasty for a bit whilst The Hardys wander off to fight the RNR Express.

The Hardys Vs RNR Express bit kind of resembles the Dural boss stage from Virtua Fighter 2. We cut away from that for a bit to see Helms Dynasty and Bravado Brothers having what looks to be a pretty decent match. When we cut back to The Hardys Vs RNR, Jeff and Morton are now fighting on cherry pickers for some reason, whilst Matt and Gibson are wrestling inside the ring. Matt raises the cherry picker with Morton in it even higher though, whilst Jeff leaps off his cherry picker with a Swanton Bomb into the ring, which Gibson is lucky enough to dodge. Matt is able to snap off a Twist of Fate onto Gibson though, and that’s The RNR Express eliminated. The Hardys leave Morton up on the cherry picker though, leading to Morton first getting all angry before then begging to be let down in a funny moment.

Meanwhile, back in the Dome of Deletion, The Helms Dynasty and Bravado’s fight to a double down, leading to Spud and Swoggle showing up to pick the bones, with Spud pinning a Bravado to eliminate them. Swoggle gets tired of Spud making fun of him though and gives him a Tadpole Splash, leading to Everett pinning Spud to eliminate him. It also looks like Lashley and Edwards are still fighting out in the woods. Then, in a random cameo, Road Warrior Animal shows up to make fun of Morton on the cherry picker.

James Storm shows up with a bunch of random masked dudes, which I’m guessing was his thing at the time? However, a Storm fanboy shows up and is promptly pinned by Decay, with that seemingly counting as Storm’s team being eliminated, much to his annoyance. That then leads to all the remaining people fighting by the volcano, at which point it explodes, whilst The Hurricane appears out of the Lake of Reincarnation. With Decay, Helms Dynasty and The Hardys seemingly the only teams left, we get Decay working over Jeff whilst Helms Dynasty work over Matt. Things look bleak for The Hardys, but then one of the drones shows up to help, firing off fireworks at Abyss, which seems absurdly dangerous, but when is doing stuff like that new for Abyss?

Meanwhile, Hurricane shows up to help Matt, leading to Matt pinning one of Lee and Everett before burying both of them under some dirt so that he can make a Triple H joke. Cute. Swoggle tries his best to take out Lashley, which goes about as well for him as you’d expect. Jeff sets a grass symbol on fire, as I start to ponder that living anywhere near The Hardys when they are doing stuff like must be bloody infuriating sometimes. Imagine if you had pets and these insane yokels are setting stuff on fire and blowing things up, causing your dog to start running around the kitchen in terror at all the loud noises and bright lights. Anyway, Jeff knocks Crazzy Steve into the volcano, which Steve survives, because reasons, leading to Matt pinning Steve for the three count to bring this ridiculous contest to a close.

43 Minutes

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: THE BROKEN HARDYS
RATING: N/A

Thoughts: How do you even begin to rate that? It certainly wasn’t dull I’ll give it that! This is one of those things where I can totally understand why someone would hate it because it took most of the rules of wrestling and threw them away. There was a lake that turned people into prior versions of themselves and a sentient boat that could break up pins for goodness sake! However, despite all of the silliness I still found myself enjoying this. Everyone involved seemed to be enjoying themselves, as well and it became infectious after a certain point. I’m amazed that Matt Hardy not only got away with doing this stuff in TNA but that WWE allowed him to do it there as well

Reby reveals after the match that she’s due to have another baby, leading to The Hardy Family celebrating as the show comes to a close

In Conclusion

This show was absolutely nuts, but everyone committed to the nuttiness, so it ended up being entertaining despite the fact it would probably cause most traditional wrestling fans to want to jump into The Hardy Volcano.

Thomas Hall has also reviewed this show if you’d like another take on it

You can keep yourself up to date on TNA’s current product courtesy of the fine work done by Scott Herrin