Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Bruno Sammartino in a STEEL CAGE (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I found a TON of disparate stuff! First off, the culmination of the Sammartino/Piper house show feud, as we get Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Bruno Sammartino in a STEEL CAGE! With outstanding heel selling by Piper and some S-tier babyface energy by Sammartino in an amazing showcase of each guy’s qualities! And then I have a real doozy- Men on a Mission EXPLODES! With a 2004 match between King Mabel and a very obese Mo! And not just any match… a SUBMISSION MATCH in a dying Memphis promotion in a tiny studio! You gotta see what moves they pull off!

Next up, the Steiner Brothers squash the Master Blasters in 1991 WCW! Come see Kevin Nash & Al Green in their earliest days! Then it’s Blackjack Mulligan vs. Tiger Chung Lee in 1987 WWF! Memphis jobber Rockin’ Randy teams up with the Reaper to face The Southern Rockers (Well Dunn), and then he appears as Jerry Fox in a squash against recent WWE Hall of Famer Sycho Sid! Rick Martel vs. Hardbody Harrison in 1998 WCW! And finally, a documentary on PWI #500 for 2022, “Big Dust” Dustin Wilson!

STEEL CAGE MATCH:
ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
(WWF, Boston Garden Steel Cage Showdown, 1986)
* This is the culmination of the Piper/Sammartino feud, started mostly because Piper was being an asshole to everyone, and “everyone” also includes Sammartino, who may be in his 50s, but also doens’t take shit off of fools, of whom Piper is the high king. Piper was talking mad shit to Bruno and Italian people, Piper uttered an ethnic slur and popped him in the balls, then teamed up with Bob Orton to beat Bruno down. Assorted matches resulted, and this is the end one. Bruno, as Gorilla notes, has been in more of these than anyone, and he & Jesse Ventura point out the disfigurement and brutality of cage matches (“Pain? Disfigurement? Having your face raked like a piece of lettuce across the cage?”). This is escape rules, as always, disallowing SISSY THINGS like “pinfalls” and “submissions” like those soft wrestlers in the NWA. You must escape the cage LIKE A REAL MAN. Beat your opponent to a pulp to escape and that’s it. Ventura is blunt that he hates these matches- “I go on record, Gorilla. I don’t LIKE these matches. Can you imagine if the Body were to get in this, all the women throughout the world, the VOID that would be left in their hearts?” “Well you’d just have to use more makeup than you’re using now, Jess” “… that bill’s gettin’ expensive enough”. “haahahahah”. And of course in the Boston Garden, Piper comes out with “Super Bowl Champions- The Chicago Bears” on his t-shirt and two fucking BEARS POSTERS, which he proceeds to tape up inside the cage. This man is a genius, hahaha. Like cheap heat is one thing, but he always finds a way to “plus” things and annoy people even more.

Piper ingratiates himself to the Boston Garden fans by taping up Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears posters in the cage.

And Bruno comes in and wastes ZERO TIME, as he immediately mauls Piper like a grizzly, whipping him into the cage three times in a row (watch Piper gig himself like a champ off of each one, briefly touching his head at the point of impact each time while spinning around in pain). Piper immediately drops to his knees and scruches his head up to look dead (and probably to get the blood flowing), and Bruno slams his face into the mat and whips him into the cage again and then points out the the Refrigerator Perry poster on the side of the cage to build anticipation, then opps the fans by whipping Piper into it. Then he rips it off the cage and MAKES HIM EAT IT, and shoves the Jim McMahon poster down the back of Piper’s trunks and rips the Bears t-shirt off. A minute in and the fans are going bonkers.

Bruno making Piper eat the Refrigerator Perry poster.

Ventura complains about how Bruno just attacked Piper as soon as he hit the ring, to which Gorilla says “those are the rules- there are no rules”. He strangles Piper with the shirt and then, because he’s an AMAZING pro wrestler, makes sure to look to the fans like “hey, watch this” again as he mounts him and machine-guns him in the forehead with punches and slamming the back of his head into the mat over and over again while Piper lies there dead. And then Bruno theatrically reels his head back and “HACCCCKKKK-ptoo!”- SPITS on hot rod to show his disgust and pop the fans again, then goes for the door.

*HAAAAAAAAAAACK—*

*PTOOIE!*

Tragically, Piper is not dead, and manages to sneak behind Bruno and punch him square in the balls at full blast, Bruno doing an amazing leg-clenching sell and immediately they’re tied. Ventura rightly says this is perfectly fine and Monsoon, to his credit, doesn’t deny it, haha. Piper staring around with blood all over his face and his Bears shirt torn into a toga is a fantastic visual, especially as Bruno writhes around on the mat in front of him. He stumbles into the ropes, but manages to kick a field goal into Bruno’s chest, stomps him, then drops an elbow on the balls so Bruno can do the “bounce up and down on the mat” sell. Piper shows off the poster to Bruno and throws punches to set the fans into a “Bruno!” chant (also the scoreboard behind them flashing “BRUNO” in big letters- that’s ingenious), then drapes it over his head and stomps it. Piper chokes away with the t-shirt but when he tries mounted punches, Bruno pops him from beneath and immediately sends Piper scurrying to escape through the door, haha. Piper whips Bruno into the cage and scrambles for the door again, revealing the genius cage psychology- the HEELS may use the door, as base cowards that they are, whenever they get an advantage or get scared by a babyface comeback- a babyface will only use the door once their bloodlust is satisfied. Like REAL MEN.

Piper tries to CLIMB now, getting dragged off and losing a slugfest, bouncing off the cage on impact. Bruno haymakers him, tries to leave, then Piper throws him down and goes for it, getting the standard “babyface pulls down the heel’s trunks” spot, so Piper has to do a bunch of bumps with his bum out. Piper pleads for mercy now, leaving Bruno, like a pro, to gesture to the fans like “Well? Should I show some decency and mercy?” to ensure that the crowd wants BLOOD, and another slugfest has Piper bouncing and spinning around like a cartoon character. Piper flat-faces off another cage whip and Bruno’s like “that’s enough” and walks to the door, but Piper again has life in him. Bruno’s now fading as Piper throws boots and returns the spitting, bites Bruno’s forehead, and does the old “thumbs his nose” taunt and heads up, climbing… and when his leg is up, Bruno sneaks up behind him and PUNCHES HIM IN THE BALLS. BLAMMO!! Piper jolts upright, hits the mat and spins around holding his boys so everyone can see it, then collapses and writhes around in agony as turnabout is fair play. Bruno’s testicular attack is 100% justified since Piper did it to him TWICE, and no a dying Bruno crawls for the door. Piper grabs his ankle, but wily old Bruno HAD A PLAN and he brings up a wooden chair, smoking Piper with it twice so he can finally leave, full of pride as Boston Garden explodes (8:40). Piper whines about the chair and throws it around in the ring, embarrassed but with an “excuse” because of the weapon.

After taking multiple ballshots through the match, Bruno responds to Piper’s final climb attempt by puncturing his sack with a haymaker through the uprights. TWO WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT in the world of pro wrestling!

Haha these two are THE BEST. Piper is just this loudmouth, vicious asshole, taunting the fans and Bruno and getting his just desserts at every step, as Bruno beats him from post to post and won’t let up on him, giving him every bit of what he’s dealt out over months and then some, strangling him with the very shirt he used to taunt the fans, then humiliating him using the Bears posters. I love how Bruno always knows the perfect time to look to the fans like “Well?”, as if he wants their permission to keep up the ass-kicking. And Piper, famously refusing to job, is one of the most generous bumpers and sellers ever, letting this old man just terrorize him as he spins around off of punches, flat-faces, and flails around. His only comebacks coming from shots from behind or blows to the nuts. And of course those Cage Escape rules are played to perfection- Bruno only attempts to leave once he decides Piper has been sufficiently pummeled and humiliated, while Piper just tries to escape because HE’S A PUSSY and Bruno is beating him up too much and he’s like “oh no I must escape the PAINNNNNNNNN”. Like a BITCH. And I loved how Bruno’s stuff was all brutality while Piper’s was sneaky and conniving, like multiple ballshots… thus paying off when Bruno did “fighting dirty is okay when youre fighting a cheater” turnabout by walloping Piper through the uprights at the perfect moment. The match being relatively short but all action was perfect, especially as old man Bruno probably wasn’t made for WWE PPV-style 30-minute forced epics. Cage matches were always best when they were short and brutal. In this case, fans wanted to see Piper suffer for all of his heelish shit-talking, cheating, slurs, and more, and they got what they paid for a thousand times over as Piper was repeatedly bludgeoned, abused, humiliated and left reeling.

Rating: ****1/4 (Piper is one of the best theatrical sellers ever and Bruno is an S-Tier babyface god)

MEN ON A MISSION EXPLODES~~!!
SUBMISSION MATCH:
KING MABEL vs. MO:
(Memphis Wrestling, Jan. 17th 2004)
* Men on a Mission EXPLODES!!! It’s Mabel vs. Mo! And they can use their famous submission wrestling skills against one another! And… my God has Mo gotten fat. Dude is roly poly and ROUND here. Not that Mabel was ever svelte, but he’s at least 500+ lbs. fat, not just “hard to suplex” fat. Mo is basically a big “O” at this point, and still wearing M.O.M.-themed gear with the purple. Mabel is in red, but still has his white “Viscera” contact lenses in. There’s maybe 50 people in this tiny studio in “Memphis Wrestling”, presumably a dying-era promotion attempting to make something of the scraps of USWA.

Mo gets the fans into it, indicating he is in fact the babyface here, then scores a top wristlock to bring Mabel to one knee. Mabel does a RINGS-style counter by backing him up into the corner and using his ass to shove him back, then pops him with an elbow to the nose and a tit-slap that actually has Mo bounce off the mat ass-first. Mabel shrugs off some punches and drops him, legdropping the inside of Mo’s leg and doing the “leg hump” heel hook submission. Haha such a weird lock- like he’s doing an “ah, I think that looks right” version of mat-wrestling. Mo writhes around in pain, finally slapping Mabel’s shoulder enough to break the hold, but Mabel ignores a trash can to the head and puts the boots to the leg, then smashes it with a chair. Mo rolls to the floor and actually mounts a comeback with punches and uses the chair himself, but Mabel just grabs him by the singlet and hauls him into the ringpost, tearing poor Mo’s gear in the process (there goes his pay for this match!) and does the Fargo Strut to the Memphis crowd! They go to break with Mo getting his leg struck with a chair over and over again, but after 5 seconds we’re back with him making a comeback. Mabel is hilariously bump-averse as he sells while leaning against the ring apron, even when Mo hits a body-check as offense, and he rolls back into the ring so Mo can hit an axehandle off the second rope. Both guys look totally dead as Mo crawls over and does the Crippler Crossface of all things. But Mabel just slaps his arm a bit to make him release, then hooks the most devastating finisher of all time- squeezing Mo’s leg between his thighs and sorta grabbing his foot from behind them- and Mo SUBMITS TO THIS at (7:01).

The elite technical wrestling on display in this Submission match. Masakatsu Funaki who? Hey, you think Zach Sabre Jr. was inspired to wrestle by this match?

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO even by the standards of “Mabel vs. Mo matches in front of a tiny crowd in a bedroom-sized studio” this was bad. Low-effort, low-imagination and full of “Uh, I think that’s about right” moves. Mo with a Crippler Crossface, Mabel with a “heel-hook” and then whatever that last submission was. Like… I guess there’s PSYCHOLOGY because Mabel stayed on the leg AND it played into the finish, but these things do not inherently make a match great. I like how they used weapons, but like… two of them, and neither was used near the end to give the match a peak. If anything, Mabel just broke one arbitrary submission hold to do one of his own. And Mo looks like a wuss having to call in the referee and tap out in agony from whatever Mabel was doing. Also there was a humorous lack of bumping, as if Mabel only ever wanted to hit the ground by mistake because he was just leaning against the ropes all the time.

Rating: * (sooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad)

THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner) vs. THE MASTER BLASTERS (Master Blaster Steel & Master Blaster Blade):
(WCW Power Hour, Feb. 21st 1991)
* It’s THE STEINERS VERSUS NASH!!! Except it’s meaningless because Nash is in a lower-card big-guy jobber duo and means nothing in the business yet! His partner is the future Al Green/The Dog. They’re “in the ring to my left” at this point. Worse still, they don’t even MATCH- Steel (Nash) is in a black singlet with SHORTS and Blade (Green) is in long tights and has no shirt. PATHETIC.

The Steiners are still doing stretches and give up their backs after the bell sounds so the Master Blasters wisely dive in and attack. The Steiners get beaten down with overhead shots and Rick is dumped by Steel, but Blade puts his head down and Scott catches him with the neckbreaker. Steel actually gets the better of Rick on the floor while Scott effortlessly hits Blade with the belly-to-belly suplex, then signals the FRANKENSTEINER, easily winning in (0:52). The Fabulous Freebirds come out and beat up the Steiners, wanting their US Tag Titles while Steel is just like “Wait… we lost already?”, but Steinerlines see the ‘Birds off and the Master Blasters just quietly leave. Blade was apparently fired after complaining about the squashes the team was suffering to the Steiners (Wikipedia says it! It must be true!) and ended up in All Japan (!!! I got some shit to find!) while Nash was repackaged as “The Master Blaster” for a sec before becoming Oz in May.

Rating: *1/4 (completely nothing squash- interestingly, it “protects” Steel, who was looking fine before his partner got effortlessly squashed)

BLACKJACK MULLIGAN vs. TIGER CHUNG LEE:
(WWF Superstars, 4/6/1987)
* A true main event in any arena in the country, it’s fading star Blackjack Mulligan as a BABYFACE WRESTLER taking on JTTS Tiger Chung Lee. Mulligan’s outfit is awful at this point- a giant cartoony red undershirt covering his entire arms, plus overalls. Instead of this big mean badass he looks like his name should be “Paw”. Commentary is Johnny Valentine and Bobby Heenan of all people, and they make “dirty” jokes about Mulligan (“when he took that hat off, did you see the bugs fly out of his hair?”).

Tiger attacks from behind before the bell while Mulligan’s giving his stuff to a Federette, but Mulligan quickly fires back with a clothesline and a punch while the heel/heel booth talks about a potentially loaded glove. Lee begs off as commentary disses the lady referee (“She should be home cookin’! Or at the store doin’ some WORK!”). Despite Heenan announcing he’s Korean and the “KOREA” written on his tights, Johnny V keeps calling him Japanese and making remarks about Tokyo- Lee stalls and stalls and doesn’t even take the lead as Mulligan just beats him up again. A Baba Chop sees him off again, and now he BEGS OFF and gets dumped a third time. Lee gets two chops but gets his foot caught, but then catches Mulligan with an enzuigiri. But Mulligan won’t even take a bump off it, just bending over and reversing a whip so he hits a Jumping Back Elbow and that gets the pin at (3:23). ooooof just gobbled him up like a jobber. Somehow they managed to make a three minute bout over 50% stalling, as Mulligan does almost no selling, eats him alive, doesn’t bump, and then casually pins him with a hilariously clumsy back elbow.

Rating: 1/2* (REALLY mediocre squash)

RICK MARTEL vs. HARDBODY HARRISON:
(WCW Saturday Night, Jan. 17th 1998)
* WCW Saturday Night is the gift that keeps on giving, with “1980s WWF Guys” taking on “Power Plant losers who never made it”. Martel was a happy smiling babyface slapping hands with the fans. He’s in black trunks while Harrison has blond hair and is in one-legged blue tights.

Hardbody armdrags Martel a couple of times and flexes to celebrate, but gets whipped into the corner. Haha Martel was expecting him to come out for a hiptoss on the sell but had to go get him. Martel gets two revenge armdrags and Hardbody bails. He escapes a chinlock & throws knees, but charges knee-first into the corner and sells- Martel works the leg but gets shoved off, doing his cartwheel dodge and tying him up with an STF. He keeps on the leg and that gets a bit old even as he keeps shaking up the move, but gets shoved into the corner trying a spinning toehold. He tries an Irish whip but gets countered, and the spinebuster/Boston Crab combo ends it at (3:52). A cromulent match- squash-ish but Harrison did a couple power spots. He’s not exactly interesting when lying on his back and selling the leg, which is kind of the issue with a scientific wrestler like Martel doing babyface squashes.

Rating: * (fine but… well about what you’d expect a 4-minute Hardbody Harrison match to be like)

THIS WEEK’S PWI 500 GUY: ROCKIN’ RANDY:
#500 appearance: N/A (#489 in 1991, #495 in 1998)

-Rockin’ Randy is actually a career jobber/indie guy from the South, debuting in 1989 as Randy Ricci and quickly becoming “Rockin’ Randy”, a USWA Jobber. In 1992 he starts jobbing in the WWF as Jerry Fox (losing to Max Moon, Bam Bam Bigelow, Razor Ramon, and others), then again in 1997 (vs. Sycho Sid, Jesse Jammes, etc.), then suddenly becomes a “regular indie guy”, moving to Wisconsin and being a midcard guy there circa 1999

THE SOUTHERN ROCKERS (Rex King & Steve Doll) vs. ROCKIN’ RANDY & THE REAPER:
(USWA, April 7th 1990)
* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I found a Randy match featuring WELL DUNN! The Southern Rockers are another obvious Rock ‘n’ Roll Express rip-off (though these are clearly “guys who actually have good bodies” wrestlers with feathered hair, so they’re way more like Shawn & Marty). They’re in matching purple tiger-stripe undies. King is Timothy Well, Doll is Steven Dunn. Randy is ALSO clearly a Rockers knock-off, sporting black tights with neon green sides. The Reaper is a flabby, bald old guy. Mike Awesome, Bill Dundee & Jeff Jarrett are watching at ringside in a TINY building.

We start off with Rex easily avoiding Randy’s forearm off the ropes, then has to haul him back down because Doll was supposed to come off the top with a double-team. Doll works the arm as they keep double-teaming it. Randy goes to the eyes on King, but Bret Harts into the corner and gets armdragged down, then takes a suplex (but fucks it up by not getting his arm over Doll’s head right). Reaper tags in and immediately gets taken down with a drop-toehold, then King makes him do the splits and twists the ankles. Man they’re using REST HOLDS in a squash! Reaper manages to get out after taking zero bumps, then Randy gets dropkicked, kneedropped & necksnapped. Doll hits a powerslam, then King a kneelift, but Reaper cheats and the jobbers pound away on King in the corner, not letting him get anything. Reaper adds some painfully bad overhand clubs to the back, but walks into a “boot”, and an awful Double DDT finishes the Reaper at (5:36 of 6:24 shown), the guy flopping onto his BACK on the bump and literally rolling onto Doll. Oh man this went on FOREVER, haha- the jobbers got almost zero offense and also seemed really bad- like Randy had the zoomies and just wanted to go all over the ring and had to be hauled back into place repeatedly. Reaper’s stuff looked soft and the comeback boot whiffed and he messed up the bump on the finish, too.

Rating: DUD (AWFUL by squash standards- Randy was all over the place and Reaper soft)

SYCHO SID vs. JERRY FOX:
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, March 25th 1997)
* Sid takes on jobber Rockin’ Randy, in his “Jerry Fox” identity. Gotta keep Rockin’ Randy strong! Jim Ross & Brian Pillman are on commentary. Fox is wearing bisected tights- black on one side, yellow tiger striped on the other.

Sid lays waste to Fox with corner punches while Ross puts over Sid admitting that Undertaker “was the better man at WrestleMania” so Pillman IMMEDIATELY says “Am I gonna have to take a squeegee to those rose-tinted window you’re looking through?”. Fox flies into the air each time Sid kicks him in the gut, then gets SMOKED by a big boot after ducking a clothesline and coming off the opposite side. Fox is dropped on the guardrail, looking like a small child compared to Sid while Pillman keeps calling Sid an idiot who has burned several people in the business. Sid takes forever to gesture to the fans, hitting his helicopter slam, then a big chokeslam. Powerbomb finishes at (2:30). Enemies Bret Hart, British Bulldog & Owen Hart come out to stare Sid down as we’re out. Good squash! Sid took his sweet time, sold nothing, and just brutalized Fox, who has improved greatly as a jobber over the years, bouncing off every hit and letting the other guy move him around.

Rating: 1/2* (good squash- 3.5/5 on the Squash Scale!)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: DUSTIN WILSON:
#500 appearance: 2022 (#500 in 2022, #499 in 2023)

-Dustin Wilson is actually primarily a manager, and decided to do a documentary about “Being 500”. He used the momentum of being #500 to take on other 500s, hit #499 the next year, and mostly retired because of his blood pressure (he is a fatty-fatty boombalatty, so this is unsurprising). A good manager look, though- short, rotund, theatrically lame hair, Lash Leroux-style sideburns and one of those big triangular noses.

The documentary is pretty funny in parts, though I didn’t go through the whole thing- it mostly points out the absurdity of the list (it’s obviously just randomly thrown together by a handful of guys, with the top ranks going “what do our readers most want to see/can we make a statement here?”), with a few guys joking about the list and how it’s arbitrary and “why would you let a third party rate you?”.

One indie guy gets it: “There’s two classes of people who complain about not being on the list. Number One: People who may have gotten, what we may want to call ‘snubbed’. The other class is a WHOLE lot bigger. And those people are the people who as I said, wouldn’t make a PWI 5000 list.” Former WWE wrestler Simon Gotch explains at the 30 minute mark the first time it’s cool and then it doesn’t matter… and if you sent in $35 and your picture, you were in. And that yeah, it’s arbitrary and silly, because contracted wrestlers should all be higher than non-contracted ones (pointing out a guy who only did 12 matches for IWA Mid-South could be higher than a WWE wrestler who did 300 matches per year). Everyone who appears in it jokes about how little it means, but suggests there’s a ton of guys who DO care and get upset over being “snubbed”. And since nobody would go on a documentary like this and WHINE about their spot on it if they knew what was good for them, I wonder how many of them are like “Oh I wasn’t on the list this year…” and try to act like they’re blowing it off and it doesn’t matter, when they’re secretly SUPER PISSED.

The notion of guys getting offended over being snubbed funny because every time I look at the lists and some of the dweebs I’ve covered here… it’s pretty clear the last 400 names are just thrown out there kind of at random, and dudes may just disappear because the 4-5 guys who build the column haven’t seen their stuff. And in the end, it’s like giving the Best Actor Oscar to the actor who played the most important or successful character, haha- like “Oh, well Actor B played a King who won a bunch of wars, so he can be Best Actor this year”.

GOOD LORD.

Oh my dear God. The Editor-In-Chief of Pro Wrestling Illustrated is the most stereotypical wrestling fan on Earth. A 350-lb. guy with bad hair, an offensive beard, and glasses. He just says some stuff about how there’s criteria, being careful not to offend anyone, haha. An hour in, they talk to VINCENT GOODNITE, #500 in 1999, and he jokes about his positioning, but also intentionally wrestling for companies that PWI covered, figuring it was the way to get through. Dustin also wrestles Shockwave the Robot, but can’t wrestle Brian Hardy (#500 in 2009) because his blood pressure went too high (he plays Hardy’s disappointed-but-understanding-sounding phone message). It ends with Dustin basically toning down his career due to his health, and his red-faced buddy being a falling-apart alcoholic. “This whole angle has taken everything from me. I’m BROKE… FAT… and sad”. WRESTLING, EVERYONE! “Y’know… it could change” is our most hopeful moment.

uhhhhhhhhhhhh ANYWAYS I couldn’t find a single match on YouTube so this is his section in my PWI 500 search, lol.