NWA Total Nonstop Action Review – 07.03.2002

Presented LIVE on Pay-Per-View on July 3rd, 2002, from the Nashville Auditorium in Nashville, TN. Last week on Total Nonstop Action, A.J. Styles was crowned the first X-Division Champion in a spectacular match featuring Jerry Lynn, Low-Ki and Psicosis. The rest of the show was mostly forgettable to miserable stuff. Scott Hall and Brian Christopher defeated Jeff Jarrett and K-Krush in singles matches with the same finish of “celebrity pal of the babyface blatantly interferes”, Taylor Vaughn was crowned Miss TNA, and Malice laid out Ken Shamrock, declaring his intentions to capture the NWA World Heavyweight Title. I promise, the show wasn’t as exciting as I’m making it.

Mike Tenay, Ed Ferrara and Don West are ringside to call the action, and I’m already counting down the weeks until Ferrara is no longer part of this team. Tonight, Ken Shamrock defends the NWA World Heavyweight Title against Malice! A.J. Styles defends the X-Division Title against David Young (the goober who LOST a match clean last week)! A one-night Tournament to crown the Tag Team Champions! Scott Hall and Brian Christopher vs. Jeff Jarrett and K-Krush! Also, NWA President Jim Miller Wlson (Tenay says Miller, the chyron says Wilson, because LOLTNA) is here and announces that he found a BIG JAPANESE GUY named Omori and next week he meets the winner of Shamrock and Malice.

Tag Team Championship Tournament Match #1:
James Storm & Chris Harris vs. The Johnsons (w/ Mortimer Plumtree):
OH SWEET JESUS, THE JOHNSONS ARE BACK. If you skipped the premiere episode of TNA, the Johnsons are the Shane Twins working as “Richard and Rod” and wrestle in flesh-colored bodysuits. They are managed by some yuppy they bullied when they were younger, but now do everything they are instructed, including their wardrobe. Last week, Harris and Storm were last second replacements for The Dupps and took the W from the Rainbow Express. Plumtree is over the top with his delivery, like a really obnoxious indy character that needs to be workshopped a bit to feel like they belong on a national level.

Harris starts, getting backed into the corner and one of the Johnson’s making even simple stuff look complicated. Harris ducks under a pair of clotheslines and comes off the ropes with the Thesz Press. Storm flashes some quickness and a spinning head-scissors, but Johnson one cuts him off with a sloppy swinging neck breaker, and he’s dropped ass-first after being launched in the air. DON WEST points out that Storm wrestled these guys Week 1 with Psicosis. I swear, NOTHING from the Johnsons looks well executed. Poor Storm has taken at least 3 bumps on his tail bone because of careless execution. The Tennessee Cowboy creates separation with a Super-Kick and Harris with the hot tag, running wild with left hands on both Johnsons. Heck breaks loose with all four men in the ring. Harris nails a Johnson with a spear and a missile dropkick assist from Storm allows Harris to fall on top for the three-count at 4:42. Harris and Storm have great potential, and the Johnsons are stinky butt juice. Post-match, Plumtree belittles his team and they lightly rough him up in what ends up being the team’s final appearance. THANK GOD. Also, make that our THIRD act that was introduced for the sake of an immediate split, joining the Elvis guys and Bobcat/Young.

Scott Hall makes his way to the ring and can only get out a “Hey Yo!” before being interrupted by Jeff Jarrett. “Hey Yo my ass! Scott Hall, no one wants to see you, no one wants to hear you, so why don’t you take your ass exactly where you came from… bitch!” Wow, what a great line. Hall says nothing has changed with Jarrett; he talks a lot of smack but can’t back it up. They want to fight, but the NWA President cuts Jarrett off and tells him that he’s not running the show. Jarrett backs down, but it’s a rouse, as K-Krush sneaks in from the crowd to attack Hall. It’s a short-lived advantage, as Hall tosses Krush around and sends him over the top rope with a clothesline.

BREAKING NEWS: Someone has attacked and bloodied James Storm and Chris Harris!

“The Alpha Male” Monty Brown vs. Anthony Ingram:
I love discovering the origins of some of the early days of TNA guys, not expecting Monty Brown THIS early in the timeline. Brown’s professional football career is brought up (playing for the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots in the mid 90’s), and he’s only been in pro wrestling for a couple of years. I don’t have much on Ingram, other than most of his known work was for USA Championship Wrestling based out of Tennessee, which featured other fresh names that were being used by TNA.

Brown addresses the live crowd and says Ken Shamrock is wearing what he wants. Brown unloads with rights and tosses Ingram out of the corner with an exploder suplex. Ingram reverses a whip to the corner, but gets caught in mid-air and planted with a powerslam. Brown calls out ALPHA BOMB and hits a needlessly complicated Powerbomb for the finish at 1:32. Well that was hardly an impressive debut. Why are we putting these matches that should be used as tryouts to warm up crowds before the PPV as actual PPV filler content?

Goldylocks is on the hunt for NWA President Jim Miller, but no one can find him. She stops two random dudes (The Hot Shots) who have no idea on his whereabouts (and no lines). Suddenly Puppet interrupts, whining about Gary Coleman, Mini-Me and Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show.

Tag Team Championship Tournament Match #2:
Buff Bagwell & Apolo vs. The Rainbow Express (w/ Joel Gertner):
Winner moves on to face… uh… I guess not Chris Harris and James Storm. I guess the winner gets a forfeit victory and the belts! HURRAY FOR RUSSO! We get a pre-match promo from the thrown-together team of Buff and Apolo, where Buff mispronounces Goldylocks’ name for the sake of being a dick, but also heels on his partner, calling him the #2 and interrupts when it’s his time to talk. That’s FOUR of the “put people together and immediately split them” stories and we’re not even halfway into episode three! At least, in this scenario, it’s Buff and easy to accept him being an obnoxious jerk.

Buff and Bruce (sporting a new haircut) start, but not before the Express gives everyone a hug. Meanwhile, Mike Tenay runs down all of Buff’s Championship partners in the past. Buff showboats early, giving Bruce a brief window to control before the cut off. Meanwhile, ALICIA is making her way to ringside, and this week it’s Ed Ferrara that owes some cash. I guess there’s a match going on. Apolo runs wild on both opponents. Lenny’s strikes had zero effect, but thankfully a distraction from Gertner allowed him to shake off the cobwebs and hit Apolo with a Tornado DDT. The Express takes turns with the leap-frog splash, and neither looks particularly good. Buff gets the lukewarm tag and runs wild himself. Apolo knocks Bruce’s head into the 6th row with a Super-Kick and hits the TKO, but he’s not legal. Buff with the Block Buster, but here’s Lenny with a weak Super-Kick and THAT gets three at 5:49?!? Buff is in disbelief as Don West seems personally disgusted by that result. The match was a total nothing-burger, by the way.

Post-match, Ed Ferrara comes over to Buff with a microphone for him, and Buff says he no longer wants to be called Buff, his name is Marcus. He’s a 6-time World Tag Team Champion and QUOTE “I just got beat by two gay guys!” Being Buff hasn’t gotten him anywhere, he’s Marcus from now on, and he’s going home. That’s not the last chapter on Mr. Bagwell, but he won’t be a regular going forward. I cannot fathom how someone pitched this company in such a way that it convinced ANYONE to buy controlling interest as they were circling the drain just a couple of months later.

Ken Shamrock comes out to talk. He doesn’t know who Monty Brown thinks he is, having one match and thinking he can call his shot like that. OH GOD, THE CROWD IS “WHAT” CHANTING. He’s got Malice tonight, that Japanese punk next week, and after that, he’ll be happy to send Monty Brown back home with his head shoved up his ass. James Mitchell interrupts, warning Shamrock not to worry about Brown or Omori, because he has Malice to fear. We cut back to Shamrock and Malice has him laid out!

Bill Berrens is freaking out on the phone with all the confusion and shenanigans tonight. Jerry Lynn attempts to interrupt, offering to find a partner to fill in for the injured James Storm and Chris Harris, but Berrens doesn’t seem too interested to listen to him.

Puppet vs. Todd Stone:
We’re throwing the little people out there again. Puppet gets on the microphone, frustrated that he hasn’t gotten to kill any midgets, and wants to spill some blood. Puppet attacks Stone with repeated blows from a kendo stick, followed by a trash can shot to the head. Whip to the ropes and Puppet with a diving clothesline, followed by a slam across the can. Puppet puts the can over Stone’s head and whacks at him with the kendo stick again. Stone gets dropped face-first across the can and we’re done at 1:55. Puppet continues having fun, attacking referee Slick Johnson and giving Stone more punishment. With everything advertised, did we need this pointless sideshow match?

Goldylocks tries getting an update on the condition of Ken Shamrock, but there’s nothing to report. This has been another pointless moment.

We recap the Miss TNA Lingerie Battle Royal from last week, but most importantly, the bit between Ed Ferrara and Francine. SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS, CAN WE PLEASE GET VINCE RUSSO’S BOYFRIEND OFF THIS FUCKING SHOW?

Taylor Vaughn vs. Francine:
… OK, CAN WE PLEASE GET MORE ED FERRARA PLEASE?! Anything but this! Francine has smuggled a belt into the ring and attacks Vaughn with it. The referee disarms Francine, then Vaughn snatches the belt and uses it… and the referee DISQUALIFIES VAUGHN, IN A MATCH THAT NEVER OFFICIALLY STARTED. The fun continues, as Ferrara gets in the ring, Francine clearly places his hand on her breast, then starts whipping him with the belt. I’m retiring the all caps reactions. This show is breaking my spirit, and we’re still not at the halfway point of the show’s run time.

Jeremy Borash brings out Hermie Sadler, who knows how to kiss up to the local fans by announcing the city they’re in. K-Krush interrupts, saying he doesn’t want to hear about NASCAR and none of the idiots here care about it either. Sadler’s had enough and spears K-Krush on the ramp. Next week, Krush’s schedule is wide open, and he lays down the challenge, with Sadler accepting! K-KRUSH VS HERMIE SADLER, NEXT WEEK! This might be the highlight of hour one.

NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Ken Shamrock (c) vs. Malice (w/ Father James Mitchell):
If this is your first time checking out the old NWA-TNA shows, Shamrock defeated Malice in the finale of the Gauntlet for the Gold on the first show, and Malice has made it known he wanted another shot last week. Looking at Shamrock, I would buy any fan theory that half the company’s budget went to body oil and spritz bottles. I’ve never seen someone so wet and greasy, and I’ve watched thousands of Hulk Hogan matches!

Shamrock rushes the ring, with Malice quickly pouncing on him, preventing him from a clean entry and hanging him up across the top rope. All of Malice’s offense targets the neck as we finally get in the ring. Ferrara makes a fair point that Malice went through more physically demanding hardships in the Gauntlet than Shamrock, and that this is a level playing field. Shamrock catches the arm, but Malice fights free and lands a pair of boots across the back of the head. Shamrock with another trap, hooks the ankle, and this time Malice is forced to scramble for the ropes. Malice with a back suplex drop and more choking. Shamrock blocks a suplex and snaps Malice over his own. Shamrock counters an Irish whip with a belly-to-belly suplex and that’s good for three at 5:56 (with Malice kicking out at 3.1). I’m not sure I like the idea of jobbing a guy to a set-up move after taking the entire match, especially if they’re constantly getting plugged into spots near the top of the card.

NWA X-Division Championship Match:
A.J. Styles (c ) vs. David Young (w/ Bobcat):
Last week, A.J. Styles survived a 4-Man Round Robin Match (and specifically Jerry Lynn) to be crowned the inaugural X Division Champion, and I guess losing to Apolo was enough to justify giving David Young a title opportunity. Bobcat is still looking for all the attention, as we hopefully blow this silly relationship off sooner than later (knowing Russo, it’s sooner, but how soon is the real question).

Young attacks before the bell, clubbing Styles with rights. Whip to the ropes, Styles flips over a back body-drop and connects with a dropkick. Young with the cut-off, but Styles counters a Full Nelson Slam. Young uses his modest size advantage to win a mid-ring collision. Styles surprises him with a flat-back snap hurricanrana and we get a mistimed spot on the floor. Bobcat isn’t paying attention to the match, distracted by a call on her cellular device. Anyway… Young blocks a springboard, dropping Styles across the top rope, and YOUNG WITH AN ASAI MOONSAULT. I did not see that one coming. Styles lands on his feet on a German suplex and it’s a series of standing switches until an exploder sends Styles into the turnbuckles. Styles with several rolling pin attempts, but Young keeps control, hitting Styles with a powerslam and snap brain buster for a pair of two-counts. Styles battles back and hits the springboard inverted DDT for two. Young seems cooked but catches Styles mid-air with his signature spine-buster for a near-fall. Styles blocks a top rope hurricanrana and hits an avalanche Styles Clash to retain at 8:47. Bobcat hops in the ring to celebrate, unaware of the result, and Styles brushes her aside to pose for the hard cam. Well, the Bobcat stuff is stupid, but we finally got a match worth paying attention to. There was a mistimed spot or two, but Young’s technician-style balanced well with Styles’ fiery comebacks and athleticism.

Goldylocks is with the Rainbow Express and Joel Gerner. There seems to be confidence that no one will step in for the Finals. Oh, and Gertner does all his sleazy scumbag stuff on Goldylocks while Lenny says they’re not interested in her, but can hook her up with someone that can do something about her hair. The segment wraps with Gerner planting one on Goldylocks with a “gross” reaction from Lenny and Bruce. Ugh. This fucking shit…

NWA Tag Team Championship Tournament Finals:
The Rainbow Express (w/ Joel Gertner) vs. ???:
Don’t you love a 4-Team Tournament where the winning team is knocked out of contention via backstage shenanigans, and now we’re doing the mystery replacement deal? I guess there’s nothing lost in having the Johnsons job in their final appearance, but still, it’s such a weird booking crutch and it’s not exclusive to Vince Russo. What team is filling in for James Storm and Chris Harris? It’s JERRY LYNN and A.J. STYLES, the final two men from last week’s Round Robin for the X Title, AND Styles just worked a competitive match that concluded no more than 5-minutes ago!

Bruce and Lenny get the jump, but Lynn quickly clears out the ring and hits them both with a plancha. Styles recovers and joins in on the fun, hitting the pile with a corkscrew. Styles is still selling the last match, and already looks like he needs a breather (great touch). Back in the ring, Lynn with a spinning head-scissors and we get the spot where Bruce is dropped face-first into Lenny’s crotch. Gertner gets involved, buying Lenny time to slam Lynn off the top turnbuckle. Lynn cuts off Bruce with the guillotine leg drop. Styles in with a spinning heel kick as West calls him Spider-Man, Batman and Superman rolled into one. Lynn comes off the second rope with a bulldog, but Lenny makes the save.Another distraction from Gertner and Bruce goes low with Slick Johnson’s back turned.

Lenny hangs back to avoid a dropkick and locks on the Tiger Tamer, but Styles comes to the rescue, blasting him across the face with a running clothesline. Bruce makes the illegal switch, planting Lynn with a slam for two. Lenny with a delayed suplex, adding a little rotation at the end, but he wastes time playing the crowd and it only gets a two-count. Whip into the corner and Lynn surprises Bruce with a sunset flip for two. They fight for control of a waist-lock and a springboard sunset flip is ruined with more cheap heat antics. We slow things down, with Bruce locking in a head-scissors. Lynn with the escape, but he misses a follow-up elbow drop. Lynn flips out of a Powerbomb attempt and calls for the Cradle Piledriver. Bruce counters, but Lynn rolls through with a sunset flip for two. Styles with the hot tag, running through Lenny with clotheslines and coming off the ropes with an arm-trap hurricanrana for two. Heck breaks loose with all four men in the ring. During the chaos, Lenny counters a wheelbarrow bulldog with a face-buster for two. Lynn with the Cradle Piledriver on Lenny, and Styles comes off the top with the Spiral Tap for three and the Tag Team Titles at 12:22! We’ve crowned NWA World, X-Division, and Tag Team Champions, and we already have our first double-Champion in A.J. Styles. Despite the cheap heat behavior of Bruce (and far less of it from Lenny), this was the best tag match we’ve seen so far.

We finally discover the location of NWA President Jim Miller, tied up with F.U. painted on his belly. Oh God, It’s GOLDUST, isn’t it? Remember when he had “F U” on his face to symbolize his separation from Marlena? OK, I’m kidding, it’s not Goldust, he’s in WWE at the moment.

Scott Hall & Brian Christopher vs. Jeff Jarrett & K-Krush:
Our Main Event and final match of the night. Last week, we ran Hall vs Double J and Christopher vs Krush with similar finishes (babyface celebrity friend cheats in front of the referee and it’s allowed to stand), so now we’re getting the tag team match to stretch out content while we continue to make sense of the roster.

Hall and Christopher waste little time bringing the fight to Jarrett and Krush. The fight quickly spills to the floor and into the crowd, with the obvious pairing off. THEY’RE FIGHTING IN THE DANCER’S CAGE! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE, BABY. Christopher is looking for the quick finish, but the Hip-Hop Drop misses the target. Hall cuts Krush off with a chokeslam and Jarrett comes back to life, unloading on Hall with right hands. Hall reverses the whip into the corner and charges in with a clothesline. Christopher with more schtick and straddles himself diving into the corner. Hall and Christopher get knocked into each other, turning the tide.

Krush comes off the top with a wonky missile dropkick, and color me surprised that SCOTT HALL is getting worked over instead of being the guy waiting for the hot tag. Jarrett with a flying body press, but Hall rolls through for a two-count. Hall fires off some rights, but Jarrett shuts it down by hopping on his back with a sleeper. Hall counters, but a jaw breaker breaks the hold and Jarrett follows up with a back suplex. Christopher wastes time with K-Krush in the neutral corner, leaving Hall reaching out for a tag with no one to receive. Hall fights out of a chin-lock, hitting Krush with an electric chair drop. He fights off a double-team, hitting a double clothesline, and… Brian Christopher short arms, refusing the tag? The referee gets bumped as Hall keeps fighting, including shots at his partner. Hall with an Outsider’s Edge to Krush, but the referee is still out. Christopher saves Hall from the same fate. Jarrett with The Stroke, and Christopher adds a Hip-Hop Drop for the finish at 11:42. I guess that answered my question about Hall taking the beating all match. So-so work and we’re speed running the heel turns and disgruntled alliances in this company.

Jarrett gets on the microphone and says he’s proved his point because Hall isn’t worth shit. Jeff says he beat his ass in ‘95, beat his ass in ‘97, ran his ass out of WCW, and he’s going to run him out of the NWA. Hall is just like the other legends in the NWA; ain’t worth a damn, and he tells Mike Tenay that he can take that to NWA President Jim Miller. Oh, and that trophy from earlier? Jarrett breaks it across the back of Hall’s head. He keeps whining about being screwed over and dumps over the stretcher that was carting Hall from ringside.

NEXT WEEK: Ken Shamrock defends the NWA World Heavyweight Title against Japanese Sensation Omori! A “Rankings Match” with 6 of the top X-Division Competitors! The Flying Elvis’ are back! All this and more Jeff Jarrett!

Final Thoughts: Hey, we got some quality work from A.J. Styles and Jerry Lynn, so we can’t say the entire show was a total loss. I don’t even know where to begin with the negatives this week, but pretty much the first hour was one negative after another, with silver linings here and there, like knowing we won’t see the flesh-colored Richard and Rod Johnson, or knowing that a poor debut from Monty Brown will be corrected down the road. Still, I desperately want them to ditch Ed Ferrera and The Rainbow Express, but I know that I won’t be getting my wish on at least one of those for a while, and it somehow gets worse. Next week’s lineup isn’t so much a lineup with the exception of one match, but a tease of what we could see without specifics like what six men will be in that X-Division match, and who are the Elvis’ working with, or are the Elvis’ IN the Ranking Match?