JCW Lunacy Episode #70 Review – 02.12.26

Last week on JCW Lunacy, Kerry Morton was “gifted” a shot at the American Championship, but the match ended inconclusively as Ninja Mack seeks revenge on Facade, J-Rod made her presence known, giving Haley J a receipt and knocking out her momma for trying to get involved, Caleb Konley was revealed as Russo’s CHOSEN ONE after his man-servant Jeeves cost him a shot at CoKane’s #1 contender’s briefcase, and Mr. Anderson defeated James Storm for the vacant JCW Championship under questionable circumstances.

Joe Dombrowski and Veda Scott are once again calling the action. We’re coming from the Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque, NM, taped on January 18th.

Vince Russo comes out looking like a disheveled mess. He promises to give them something you’ll never see on another wrestling show and calls out the referees working tonight’s card, and tells them not to do the “over-sell bullshit.” As soon as he got in the locker room, there was a putrid, disgusting smell of VOMIT. That only means three things; someone actually puked, one of the wrestlers didn’t wash their gear, or it could mean the late-great Big Van Vader is in the house. He took inventory; there was no puke, no dirty gear, and Vader’s dead, so he looked at these two guys, representatives of JCW Lunacy and they looked like they hadn’t taken a bath in weeks. “You look like Cheech and freakin’ Chong!” After tonight, they’re FIRED.

Now it’s on to business, and that’s the JCW Lunacy Champion, Mr. Anderson. He congratulates Anderson on his victory, but there’s a small problem, and that’s what occurred after the match. James Storm will be out of action and we can’t have “the old Mr. Anderson”. He was a trouble maker that’s been hired and fired everywhere and most consider him an “asshole.” WE CAN’T HAVE THAT HERE, BRO. Russo questions Anderson’s ethics as Champion, and everything he does is a reflection on him. This turns into a direct WWE reference from Anderson, because WE’RE SHOOTIN’, BRO. Anderson refuses to follow Russo’s advice. It’s shades of grey! This opening segment will NEVER END, as Russo promises never to return to “this shit hole.” Dombrowski with a sarcastic “that’s classy” as we finally run down what we’ve got lined up for tonight.

Big Vito comes across the Brothers of Funstruction, and it’s time to get down to some CLOWN business. He’s got their wallets and their information, and he knew they were fugazy. Tonight, we’re going to have some fun. “Drop the bomb when you need to drop the bomb.”

Ninja Mack vs. Professional Mike Urlacher:
Looks like this week’s gimmick for Moshpit Mike is a reference to Brian Urlacher, who was raised and went to school in New Mexico. Deep cut there, assuming all wrestling fans have deep NFL knowledge (and yes, I had to look it up, because I’m old and don’t remember Brian Urlacher’s biography). The crowd isn’t happy with Ninja Mack, even though it was Facade who cheated to win their Best of 3 Series. Mike looks nearly twice Mack’s size, that doesn’t seem fair, especially when he’s lining up at the line of scrimmage and bulldozing Mack with a shoulder block. The camera catches a blatant spot call and Mike knocks Mack out of mid-air with a big boot. Mack avoids the splash out of the corner and runs wild. A fan pegs him with a bottle, putting a pause on things. Facade shows up for a distraction, and Mike hits a flip Piledriver for three at 3:07. We’re jobbing to MOSHPIT MIKE?

The cameras catch up with Vince Russo and Caleb Konley. Kerry Morton interrupts the pep talk with his AHA-GOTCHA like some kind of demented wrestling fan picking a fight with people over a topic that no one was even worried about. Russo continues to deny having anything to do with Matt Cross’ obsession with Morton, and soon enough, Morton gets a call from Cross himself, who is waiting outside for him. Morton accuses them of giving Cross his number and Konley confirms they did. Morton will be back when he’s done with Cross. “And when you’re done with that, go find out who killed JFK.”

There’s a masked figure talking about being the hero that JCW needs, and his name is The Green Phantom. “Get with the green!” Uh… huh. Can’t be worse than Mr. Fifties or whoever the fuck that character was.

Amazing Maria vs. J-Rod:
Maria’s status as an active member of JCW was approved by Women’s Showrunner Big Al Crowley. You see, Maria lost a “Loser Leaves JCW” Match to Crowley some time ago, but now she’s looking for revenge over J-Rod’s actions last week. Maria attacks from behind and throws a kick so bad, we had to do a drastic camera cut to mask it. J-Rod quickly cuts her off, dropping her face-first across the turnbuckle. Whip to the ropes and J-Rod with a boot to the face for a two-count. Maria mounts a short comeback, but a Samoan drop puts an end to that, and J-Rod finishes with the spear at 2:51. That was brutal, but short.

Jasmin St. Claire (sometimes incorrectly spelled by JCW’s own production people as Jasmine) gives a pep talk to Kongo Kong and Mr. Happy, who are set to compete tonight against… PCO AND MICKIE KNUCKLES? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.

J-Rod is stomping around the backstage area, looking for Big Al. She wants a match with “that other blonde bitch, Dani Mo” and does a half-hearted attempt at kissing ass, but I don’t think Crowley is falling for the routine.

CoKane vs. Caleb Konley:
The briefcase that guarantees someone a shot at the JCW Championship is once again on the line. No more Ring Rat or Jeeves with Konley, so you know he’s to be taken seriously! Kerry Morton comes out to join the commentary table. I SMELL SHENANIGANS! Morton is mugging for the camera but unusually quiet. Konley boots CoKane as he enters the ring and slams him on the ramp. They fight around the ring (including another object thrown and hitting a wrestler in the face) and CoKane turns things around, hitting Konley with a tope suicida. The bell rings now to officially start the match as CoKane hits a high swanton bomb for a near-fall. Konley regains control as Morton vents about his frustrations with Konley and Carny Russo. CoKane creates separation and gets the magic powder. “Isn’t this a PG show?!” Konley avoids the flying nothing and they trade blows until both men are spent from this 4-minutes of action. Morton leaves the table and hits Konley with the knee to put a stop to the match at 4:50. Matt Cross shows up and it’s a 2-on-1 attack on Morton as CoKane has mysteriously powdered, and the match is ruled a No Contest. You’d think Konley would have an easier time getting matches rigged, considering he’s the Ch-ch-ch-chosen One.

Coach’s Corner returns! His topic this week is one of the biggest weaknesses in the JCW brand, and it’s the use of STUPID GIMMICKS, so of course we’re talking about Barnabas the Bizarre and the Outbreak. We have two brothers who are mentally challenged that think they’re Zombies, and Barnabas mobilizing the sad situation. The thing that’s bizarre about him is his mouth. Instead of earning their title shot, he threatens and kidnaps Big Vito, then threatens to EAT Vince Russo. They held the belts before and lost them immediately, and have failed every chance they get since then. It takes more than a stupid gimmick to become Champion in JCW… I mean, they DID have the belts, even if it was brief, so they were Champions, technically.

JCW Tag Team Championship; Steel Cage Match:
The Brothers of Funstruction vs. The Outbreak (w/ Barnabas the Bizarre):
These teams battled to a No Contest (a popular finish in JCW) last week, so we’re running it back and upping the stakes by throwing the Cage Match gimmick out there. Both members of a team need to escape for victory… then why is there a referee in the ring? Yabo and Ruffo bring the fight as soon as the bell rings. The Outbreak are sent to the corner and Yabo leaps off the back of Ruffo with a jumping heel kick. Outbreak blocks an attempt to climb out, with Jacksyn yanking Yabo off the cage with a Russian leg sweep.

The Brothers turn it around, but the Outbreak no-sell the cage and bounce back with synchronized clotheslines. Ruffo and Abel treat each other to a top rope straddle job while Yabo and Jacksyn fight on the opposite side of the ring, attempting to escape. A balloon is popped on the head of Jacksyn, but Barnabas reaches through the cage to prevent the Whoop-Whoop Driver. The Outbreak wipe out Ruffo, but there’s no pins allowed, so it’s time to escape. The challengers climb while the Champions crawl for the door, and suddenly Choppa City (Bruce Wayne and Ativa) shows up, dragging the Brothers to the ramp and laying into them with a kendo stick, indirectly allowing them to retain the titles at 6:35. The Brothers and Outbreak quickly regroup and send the rogue team scrambling for cover. Well, we have a winner this week, but definitely not a decisive one. Barnabas and the Outbreak don’t seem too pleased with what transpired.

Vito is standing by and giving some words of encouragement to PCO and Mickie Knuckles. Mickie still feels some sexual chemistry with Vito and promises some dessert after the match.

PCO & Mickie Knuckles (w/ Big Vito) vs. Kongo Kong & Mr. Happy (w/ Jasmin St. Claire):
Tonight’s MAIN EVENT, and boy howdy, if you want a dumpster fire train wreck, I present to you THIS catastrophe. No, I haven’t watched it yet, but look at this on paper. There’s ZERO chance we’re getting anything good, so might as well riff on it as much as we can. Vito does his usual routine, telling the fans to wipe the stupid clown makeup off their faces. He better not insult Faygo next!

Right out of the gate, it’s difficult to watch this, as PCO looks spaced out like a 90-year-old Frankie Valli poorly lip-syncing words on stage, Mr. Happy is a 600 pound freak show, and Kongo Kong is clearly past his physical prime. Stumbling and bumbling happens, and when Knuckles does her gross-out stuff like putting her mouth on Mr. Happy’s Mr. Happy. PCO was limited but watchable when he was last in TNA, but he looks beyond washed now. The Monster Corporation with an Avalanche train on PCO, followed by a double suplex for two. PCO fires back with a soft double clothesline, and Mickie takes out Kong with a sleeper to the floor. CHOKESLAM TO MR. HAPPY. PCO busts out a split-legged moonsault, goes up once more, and barely gets enough rotation on another moonsault to avoid landing on his head, and this turd is over at 3:55. Post-match, Happy gets another Chokeslam, Mickie gives Vito a liplock, and “Chicken Huntin” plays to taunt Vito as the show ends. I hate to call something on JCW the worst of anything, but this was as abysmal of a match as you can possibly find.

Final Thoughts: This was an easy week to get through, but I don’t feel like there was much to be too excited about, though Kerry Morton has quickly become one of my favorites with how committed he is to being an obnoxious prick. We keep teasing angles like Vito and the Brothers of Funstruction or the inevitable return of Violent J (where’s Mack and 2 Tuff Tony?), and feels like we keep waiting for them to get to the next phase of each.