WWF/UPN Presents: The Rock on Star Trek Voyager

I’ve been watching a lot of old Smackdown recently, and have been enjoying reading about the the whirlwind of a schedule occurring around it’s timeslot. The Twilight Zone reboot, the last ropey seasons of Buffy, Iron Chef USA…I didn’t realise how successful Smackdown actually was until I noticed how long it went un-cancelled by UPN, a network that (presumably) had a fetish for creating shows just so it could axe them weeks later.

Because of it’s consistency in the ratings, UPN figured it would be a smart idea to politely ask the wrestlers to appear in as many of their other shows that had the same target demographic because they figured if kids were dumb enough to watch wrestling they’d be dumb enough to watch the other crap they were putting out.

Were these cameos any good, and did they help the show before UPN had ECW’s 911 chokeslam them? Let’s find out!

Star Trek: Voyager

Season 6 Episode 15 – Tsunkatse

9th February 2000

Guest Star: The Rock

Since most of you are in your forties (or you at least post like you are) so I won’t explain what a “Star Trek” is. Voyager however I could spend several thousand words moaning about it’s dull, undeveloped main characters while also defending the few genuinely good episodes (any that focus on The Doctor) so for the sake of brevity I’ll say the show had a mixed response and save my energy for the comment section.

My parents would watch Star Trek as a kid so I was at least familiar with Deep Space Nine. I had no idea what was happening but I enjoyed Quark because he was easy to understand and also miserable. But I definitely watched this Voyager episode with mates when it first aired on Sky TV, specifically because of The Rock’s cameo which was hyped up on every advert break. At least that was one advantage to a series having no character development, it made it easier to start watching at any time.

Episode Summary

Cold open (they’re all cold, we’re in space) shows the future equivalent of a wrestling arena. It’s all flashing lights and navy grey and looks cheap as hell to be honest. You could have seen this on an early series of Red Dwarf. Two aliens (one’s a Hirogen and the other is crap) fight as the audience cheers with the camera showing some of the Voyager crew clapping. And that’s it. Wow they were really focused on keeping the wrestling fans tuned in.

Janeway let’s us know the crew are enjoying much-needed shore leave on Norcadia Prime. The whole plot of Voyager was about their desperate mission to get back home so there weren’t many episodes about trying to relax but after six years they probably deserved it. Janeway puts Chakotay in charge while she joins them. Good, stay in the shuttle and away from the rest of the episode you boring Pretendian. We can’t have you scaring the wrestling fans. Also Neelix has burned himself preparing his tan for shore-leave so he isn’t leaving the ship either. Looking good so far.

Tuvok and Seven Of Nine want to go exploring because they’re too dull to enjoy martial arts. The Doctor (YEAHHH) tries to encourage Seven to relax but she no-sells him like a Lio Rush ladder match bump. Tuvok’s vessel is tracked by an unknown ship who immediately set us up the bomb. When Seven wakes up she’s woken up by Special Guest Star Jeffrey Combs! Making his only Voyager appearance after working his arse off playing fabulous weirdos in Deep Space Nine.

I don’t know what type of alien he is and neither does Memory Alpha which is rare and gives away the lack of care the writers must have had for “the wrestling episode.” Jeffrey explains he captures species so they can fight in games of Tsunkatse for the audience’s pleasure. HHH did the same with Europeans. Seven declines to participate until Tuvok shows up all fucked up from the explosion (sadly not speaking in Tourette’s like when the same happened to Goldust), forcing Seven to fight so Tuvok can be healed.

Back on the ship, the B-Team talk about how great Tsunkatse matches are. Ensign Kim challenges Harry to a fight later and Chakotay talks about going to see the matches too despite being in charge of Voyager. Whenever Tsunkatse isn’t on screen, everyone should be saying “where’s Tsunkatse?” to ensure the wrestling fans don’t tune out. We get another guest cameo of 2026 Ric Flair.

Neelix is told to stay indoors because of his burns so The Doctor offers to join him for a museum tour. Neelix goes to watch the fighting because violence is so much cooler, right kids? And sure enough, Chakotay is there too. He didn’t name a successor so I hope the episode ends with everyone heading back and finding the ship stuck in a ditch. Chakotay explains the rules (you hit your opponent until you win) and HEY LOOK IT’S THE ROCK.

Rocky busts out his trademark head-tilts and People’s Eyebrow so the kids know it’s him. We’re told he’s a Pandari which is a species known for it’s size and strength at the box office. Seven is his opponent which shocks the crew. Rock delivers his Star Trek alien dialogue and doesn’t sound good, both in the delivery and the audio mix. There’s so much crazy space fight noise and cheering you can barely hear him. Seven gets wrecked despite telling Rock “resistance is futile.” He gives her a clothesline while the crew can’t teleport Seven out of there because they’re not really in the arena. Turns out they’re fighting elsewhere and being broadcast as holograms so it’s a reverse Thunderdome situation. Seven makes a comeback but hesitates so Rock wins by delivering The Rock Bottom.

And then the Jimmy Hart version of his theme plays as the Crew leg it back to the ship.

The Hirogen from the intro is healing Seven and it’s immediately obvious that he’s played by J.G. Hertzler aka Martok from Deep Space Nine not making any attempt to change his voice. I’m not complaining, it’s a wonderful drawl. The Hirogen doesn’t get a name so I’ll call him Hertzler. So The Rock gets a species name but Coombs doesn’t, and now Hertzler doesn’t get a name at all? I’m surprised the writers didn’t get credited as Alan Smithee. Coombs says the ratings are through the roof because the audience hates The Borg so they want to see Seven get kicked in. OK that’s some decent world-building. I mean it’s true for TV audiences too. “Seven of Nine in tighter gear than usual? Yeah fine I’ll watch.”

Hertzler trains Seven and criticizes her for knowing how to use space martial arts but can’t feel them with her *heart*. Seven punches him in the ribs so Hertzler gives her his sob story about being kidnapped and losing his kid. Which Hertzler uses to sucker punch her. “Don’t let your guard down” etc etc.

Crew of Voyager are told the Norcadians are stunned to hear what Coombs is up to…before revealing they get most of their income from Coombs so they’re full of shit. Kim finds the ship that’s broadcasting it and it’s a flying fortress so they can’t fuck it from head on. Also Terres is revealed as being the person who is looking after the ship when Chakotay abandoned his post to watch space-wrestling.

Tuvok tries breaking out and asks Seven about the morals of killing for people’s enjoyment after she’d killed so many as part of the Borg. She doesn’t like it but before this possibly interesting journey into Seven’s fibre it’s back to more Tsunkatse. Only, Seven’s foe this time is Hertzler himself in a fight to the death. Which annoyed me and my mates as we assumed she’d fight Rock again. Hertzler explains he wants a death his son can be proud of which is why he trained her to fight him. Why not put a Klingon in this situation instead? This is their bread and butter.

Hertzler is winning at the start but mocks Seven for not deciding if she wants to be prey or predator. I mean we don’t know that, there’s been no time for her to develop any moral quandary in the little time we’ve had in between plugging The Rock and Neelix’s skin issues. Seven makes a comeback while getting mocked, meanwhile Voyager decides that they can in fact attack the giant ship broadcasting everything and do so from the front. Great plan. They’re saved by Janeway’s Delta Flyer cos if there was one thing that could help Voyager against an enormous vessel like this it’s the mini ship that falls out of Voyager if you shake it hard enough. The transmitter rays are taken out so Voyager can teleport both fighters out just as Seven if about to deliver the killing blow. They leave as friends.

In sick bay, Hertzler asks Seven if she would have killed him. She doesn’t know. He says “well it’s good there was a way out” and that’s that. Tuvok checks on Seven, who says the worst bit was being called “weak” by Hertzler which caused her to lose her humanity and control which is how she was able to win. When he tells her she’s experiencing anxiety and guilt because of it, he tells her that proves she’s human. She goes “oh yeah good point” and that’s the end.

Fantasy Booking

Have The Rock stay as the champion, get rid of Hertzler’s character so Tuvok can train Seven and debate the ethics of killing to save yourself rather than the minute of discussion we got in the finished show.

Ratings

The episode achieved a Nielsen rating of 4.1 million homes, and a 6% share, making it the highest rated episode of the season.

What was happening on Smackdown this week?

The episode where HHH kept on having different wrestlers placed on the DX Express and ridden out of the episode. Weird looking back at it. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Rock & The Big Show goes to a DQ when everyone stops what they’re doing to put The Rock on a bus but he escape because he’s The Rock and he’s on Voyager right after these messages.

Notes

In the third season of Young Rock includes this episode as a plot point. Uli Latukefu delivers Rock’s lines better than he did on the show. Rock is complimented on the effort he put into the show compared to other guest stars which is eye-rolling until they mock Andy Dick. Yeah good point. Rest of the show is a wooden advert but I appreciate they put effort into this bit.

Oh while I’m here: Tom Magee also played Fek’lhr in The Next Generation (for like ten seconds).

I don’t know what attracted Magee to a sci-fi role that would be better appreciated decades later by trading tape nerds and online discussion. Can’t imagine.

Overall

A success for Star Trek’s ratings and for kids who wanted to see The Rock in space, but an empty, disposal episode for Trek fans. They were clearly trying to echo Data’s moral dilemma about maybe killing Kivas Fajo in Most Toys near the end but with absolutely no time to build it up or reason to care. And it’s probably not even in the top five worst Voyager episodes.

Watch Year Of Hell instead.

I’ve been Maffew.