Tooned In : Superfriends (1980)

When Wonder Woman snags the writers in the Lasso of Truth, this happens…

Before we proceed, Animal Farm 2025, everyone:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8wLmj9SiKM (NSFW….as in, when you watch it, YOU’LL say NSFW things…)

WHY? JUST WHY? I’m ready to forgive Titanic: The Legend Continues or whatever the one with the rapping dog was. They literally give away the twist at the end of the book, so I’m guessing half is the original story, the latter half is the animals fighting back with wacky cartoon antics and smartass humor. I look forward to the followup, 1984, now with Jack Black as Winston, who assembles a team of misfits to revolt against Big Brother while pop music plays.

I mean, The Fox and the Hound was downright upbeat compared to its book counterpart too, but it still had heart and still went for at least a bittersweet ending.

Moving onto entertainment I actually enjoy, I have actually been getting into Elsbeth, finally giving me something other than Ghosts to live for on Thursday nights. I do like offbeat crime dramas, like NCIS (only Abby episodes, of course) and Pushing Daisies, so it’s been easy to get into. And hey, possible neurodivergent icon as an added bonus! I backtracked to last season’s Christmas episode, of course, with Vanessa Bayer as a guest star.

So for a break from the holiday rush, let’s chill with some friends. Some Superfriends.

These are from the early ‘80s, “shorts” format. The copy I’m watching (Dailymotion, sped up and potato cammed, someone buy me the Blu-Ray set, okay?) has a preview segment where the narrator calls it “The Superfriends Hour.” I assume this was the new stuff and a rerun combination, as it happened sometimes on Saturday Morning TV in the ‘80s. This brings us to our first segment:

VOODOO VAMPIRE

The narrator takes us to “darkest Africa,” if it was deepest too, we’d have the Akeem vs. Superfriends fight I never knew I wanted. As it is, Vampiress the Voodoo Vampire emerges from her grave, another “mash together as many monster gimmicks as we can” villain. I am reminded of the Disco Mummy in Plastic Man. And what’s the over/under on her using laserbeams instead of biting anyone? She BATs! and stalks nearby explorers who recognize her, and yep, she bares her fangs that, you guessed it, shoot lasers and turn people into, you guessed it again, red eyed/black mascara’ed vampire zombies. Luckily the Batjet is patrolling. “Holy Fangface!,” Robin exclaims. Left out is Batman replying, “Well if you love him so much, Robin, why don’t you go to Plastic Man’s show instead?” They drop down to have a look, only to be attacked by one of the vampire zombies who changes to bat form, and biting’s okay as long as it’s an animal I suppose. If there’s no dumb joke about Batman being tired of bats, I will be disappointed. Robin is deterred by a giant snake, but speaking of giant snakes (in their pants), Black Vulcan is here to save the day, having followed the Dynamic Duo’s signal on his radio (in his pants). Also, of course they’d have him go up against the Voodoo Vampire. Is this some racial version of “only Wonder Woman can fight a female villain”? The heroes come across the vampire cult, fighting with the Bat Stitchers. But Batman is infected by a ricocheted laser, and Robin is likewise zapped. They confront Black Vulcan and man, boasting that “You would be better off as one of us!” is awkward AF. They think they zapped Vulcan to dust and plan on bringing the vampire brood to the Hall of Justice. Superman and Aquaman fight off the cursed Batman and Robin, but are also transformed by Vampiress, and how many times has this happened to Superman throughout the series? Proof that the writers needed that Super Powers overhaul! And now Wonder Woman is here, and this has been an all-star segment for one of the shorts. And anytime anyone says “I hope I’m not too late,” it’s my Larry David-induced reflex to add, “That’s the only thing I hope!” Black Vulcan, who did survive the vampire attack, gets Diana out of harm’s way and they follow the vampires back to Africa, where he ELECTROCUTES THE MOON, causing it to act like the sun and ward off Vampiress back to her grave. It also changes everyone else back to normal, as if the science wasn’t already convoluted enough. And Superman indeed finishes with the bat joke, swearing off all nocturnal rodents…except for his good buddy of course.

INVASION OF THE GLEEKS

Time for the middle Wonder Twins segment, when we see them asleep at night until Gleek sees a fleet of flying saucers. Seeing only her purple collar, I erroneously thought only Jayna slept in her costume. She thinks the Superfriends should know, but it wouldn’t be a Wonder Twins segment without one of them (Zan) deciding to take matters in their own hands. The ship opens revealing more space monkeys from Exxor whom the twins believe to be friends, but the evil Gleeks soon show their true colors, causing Zan and Jayna to activate their powers: giant tortoise and ice turret. They manage to freeze the henchmen, but the leader unleashes his GIANT EVIL GLEEK ROBOT, who cannot be frozen and subdues the heroes. He also turns to Gleek and brainwashes him; naturally that just takes seconds. The monkeys then hack the Justice League Computer to learn the Superfriends’ weaknesses. There’s the obvious Kryptonite, Wonder Woman and BDSM…then they get to Batman and Robin (same file of course), and the show finally tells the truth about their treatment when it says they’re just regular Joes without the utility belts. When the Superfriends return, Superman twice underestimates the situation, first reasoning the computer wasn’t tampered with and it was just the Wonder Twins studying. Then he assumes that the Gleeks are harmless, and given history, unless you gave one of them something to accidentally mess up or a chance to pratfall over themselves, that’s a fair assumption. But no, the evil monkeys exploit the information they used and trap all the Superfriends. The monkey leader tells Gleek to finish them off with the Justice League Disintegrator Ray, and once again it’s actually pretty dark that they’d have one of these. Luckily the Wonder Twins get back to action, as an ice catapult and electric eel. And so, Jayna literally uses shock therapy to bring Gleek back to his senses, whatever they may be. He rescues the Superfriends and they run off the monkey invasion. Now the only harm Gleek can do is the “hilarious” sight gag at the end.

MXYZPTLK STRIKES AGAIN

Superman is summoned to the Hall of Justice, where Aquaman, Green Lantern, and Batman and Robin make him aware of typing noises they can’t find the origin of. Just then, the Trouble Alert sounds, a killer robot is attacking the city…then Wonkavisions out of the Justice League computer monitor and attacks, overpowering everyone as he uses some rather familiar insults. “Batfink? Super Jerk? Wonder Weirdo? Only one person in the universe talks like that!” says Superman. Well, half the Legion of Doom’s go-to epithet is “Super Fools,” so “Super Jerk” isn’t that much a stretch. And Karate and Hugo-a-Go-Go talk about Batfink a lot, so it’s not as narrow a field as you think. And “Wonder Weirdo”? Not only did the robot not say that, but neither Wonder Woman nor the Wonder Twins are in this episode! Unless this was a lost jab at Robin being the Boy Wonder. Well, long story short, it’s Mxyzptlk behind the robot attack, and I believe this is Welker’s first performance using the Toyman voice instead of the HERBIE one. (And I am compelled every time I mention that name to say NO, Human Torch was not banned because of fears of arsonist kids). And he’s behind the typing noises with his new magic typewriter, which makes his words come true. He uses the device to create an earthquake and a blob monster that Green Lantern actually PUNCHES, which goes as you might expect. But Mxy forgets all that and settles for creating a novel where the Superfriends destroy each other. Take a drink when Mxyzptlk plans amount to A) forcing the Superfriends into an evil movie or artistic work, and/or B) forcing them to fight amongst themselves. Superman and Aquaman are first to go, and oh my….that means GL, Batman, and Robin are left, and now I’m getting excited. Please let this be the set-up for a comedy routine I’ve waited 20 years to use. If you don’t know which, you must be dense, or a bunch of other no-longer-appropriate words or something.

The two heroes are transported into an Old West setting and reimagined as cowboys:

Wonder Woman got me a Kryptonite gun, but still thinks I’ll shoot my eye out.

If this was something in the Timmverse, they’d probably use this as an excuse to somehow get a Vigilante or Jonah Hex cameo in. As it is, their shootout ends with Superman binding Aquaman to a runaway train, and so Mxy brings in Green Lantern to fight Superman next. DAMMIT. All my preparation, all the “Damn your lemonade” references, being ready to refer to SF Batman as “the Goshdarn Batman,” and all the jokes about how the G-rating means Robin can’t crush Hal’s windpipe this time….now all for NOTHING. Why must you crush my spirit sometimes, Hanna-Barbera? So GL traps Superman in his energy bubble, where they discover that Mxyzptlk’s mind control doesn’t work while they’re there, and thusly they get to plotting. They rescue Aquaman and return to the Hall of Justice, where Mxy is understandably upset about his plan failing, and the Superfriends convince him that his typewriter is broken. Green Lantern manipulates it to type “Kltpzyxm” which of course he reads, sending him back to the Fifth Dimension once more.

Oh, and Batman and Robin reappear, and we never know what happened to them. So I guess I can imagine that Mxyzptlk still put them in some All Star Batman and Robin scenario, or at least the slapping meme.