Tooned In: Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling (WWE Vault, 9/27)

It’s Saturday Morning, you know what that means. The show no one Dreams Of, Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling!

Ali Bano and the 40 Geeks

Another Larry DiTillio episode. Despite being evicted in another episode, Captain Lou is back at his apartment, singing a copyright free Happy Birthday song to himself. Funny, I didn’t recall hearing Albano mentioned in OVP’s new week in the Canon/new week in the calendar today. Hogan calls and tells him they have to work out, and the animators can’t bother to do a proper split screen effect. Hulk just appears in the shot. If only this was the biggest animation goof up, however. I wonder if this will be a typical “everyone forgot my birthday” cartoon plot as Lou arrives at the gym and everyone plays dumb. Well, that came in handy for Superfly so of course he’s ready.

Lou is wallowing in the locker room, as I remember just now that he’s voiced by George DiCenzo, meaning Lou Albano is also Hordak. But as he returns, we find that it was all a setup for the Captain’s surprise party, which also sets up the real main plot point. The gang gives gifts, including Superfly’s fork, possibly aka Exhibit A. But it’s actually a beard cleaner for when he’s done eating…thank goodness, after just a few minutes I needed a reminder that Captain Lou is fat. Wendi’s gift is a bit more exotic, it’s an old style lamp, and if you read the episode title and saw enough cartoons, you know where this is going. He of course rubs it and a genie appears…complete with the Wonder Twin Powers, Activate sound effect.

And so the wishes begin, starting with Captain Lou asking for a big pizza. Because..you guessed it…he’s fat! (Hold on I need to find a Scott Steiner GIF or meme…) But this genie’s understanding of magic is on par with, sigh, 1977 Bat-Mite, and he ends up bringing the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And so on and so forth and what have you. Besides being a klutz, this Genie has the usual desire to be free of his lamp some day, but here, that can only happen if someone takes his place. Not to worry, because Wendi holds the lamp (Lou is not his only master, whoever has the lamp can make wishes, you see…) and foolishly wonders what it would be like to live there, so the wish is Genie’s command and all that. Then the lights go out for a split second and the lamp has disappeared, and outside of the gym a black limo speeds off. Hulk Hogan, who taught Bruce Wayne his detective skills brother, much love, HH, deduces that the people inside must know where the lamp is. Oh, by the way, the Genie mentions that if Wendi stays in there past midnight, she becomes the new genie, and this is enough to even make Superfly gasp, despite it being something bad happening to a woman. “Wendi can’t be a genie, she’s a wrestler!” Hogan protests. To be fair, that was one character type ‘80s WWF didn’t use.

Now at this point, I am half expecting Iron Sheik to be in business for himself this episode, but no, it’s just a bunch of generic Arab characters. The lamp inside is Yellow Submarine hell, and Wendi is in the position many of her contemporaries supposedly faced: that of being forced to please a strange guy. But she buys some time by insisting that the main heavy cannot get wishes unless he knows the secret word. I almost expected a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse reference, but it was not a thing yet. And of course, the only one who knows this word is Hulk Hogan, who the villain doesn’t know (probably a Crockett fan), but his henchmen do. Hogan is called on his rotary phone (!) and it’s your random Mean Gene cameo as he calls to warn him of Wendi’s dilemma. The villain takes the line and makes demands. Hulk goes to their hideout and remarks, “This isn’t the public library!” Oh I don’t know, you meet some characters there too. All the other wrestlers are stowed away inside the Hulkmobile, as Hogan does his usual threat of getting mad. The villain says there’s no need for violence; I know, that’s why they all barely, you know, wrestle anybody on this show. He tricks Hogan into a trap door and they threaten to persuade him to talk. Yeah, threaten to date his daughter and he’ll say stuff. Stuff that’ll get this show pulled from WWE’s channel, but stuff nonetheless. It actually is just the typical walls closing in death trap, and it causes Hogan to give in and talk. So Hulk’s first tapout is also on Rock ‘n’ Wrestling. The secret word that comes out of his thunderous lips is “meatball.” This brings forth the genie indeed, only it’s Captain Lou in disguise and of course, he responds to food words, because….

Wow, that really worked! Anyway, Andre’s hand comes from the crotch of the “genie” and rescues Hulk. Don’t tell Jim Cornette about that spot! Captain Lou stalls for time by casting a spell that runs thusly: “Alakazoo, Gorilla Monsoon…” which was one of those bits that stuck with me long after the show left the air. They get the lamp and escape, and so it’s time for a chase. Something in the shadows scares Andre and JYD and they wind up screaming and running away like E.T. as they collide with henchmen. Then they accidentally run into Superfly and Hillbilly and….everyone just freezes and someone does the E.T. scream again? No idea what happened here. Meanwhile, the Genie frees Wendi and more chasing ensues, and this time she runs into Andre and Snuka. What’s with all the pratfalls this episode? They also actually use the spot with Superfly leaping off Andre’s soldiers at some of their enemies. However, they got away with the lamp and ask for riches, except the Genie misunderstands this for “itches”. That failing, the main villain asks for a flying carpet, but gets a hot “frying carpet.” What is this, an SNK translation? Hogan arrives, causing him for one last ditch wish to be in the safest place possible, and that of course ends up being inside the lamp. The Genie has his replacement, and is now free. And finally I clearly hear that the enemy leader was named “Tubman.” The gang celebrates by seeing off the Genie with his own birthday party. He blows out the candles and the cake lands on Captain Lou, because it wouldn’t be wrestling without someone getting their face covered in cake. Everyone laughs, the end.

Wait…where were the 40 geeks?

For reading through this, to continue the Arabian theme, have a picture of Wonder Woman in an harem outfit.