Megabucks Presents: Fantastic Four (1994)

Going back to my early 2000s archives again for what will be once more a timely piece, since we are trying to get the Fantastic Four on the big screen, AGAIN. Exactly 20 years later no less!

On that topic, RIP Julian McMahon, who may very well be by default the best Victor Von Doom on-screen, even if the MCU version is good, it’s still multiverse Tony Stark, yes?

This is earlier me reviewing, so expect lists, bullet points, etc. Also some language and humor that was from a different time. I’ve grown up since then, I promise! Now, onto 2005….

Megabucks Sez comments in Bold Italics…

Well, as we all know, we’re months away until the Fantastic Four makes their “official” big-screen debut, already having starred in several animated series over the last few decades that have featured things like a disco theme song in the *’90s*, no less; an annoying robot meant to fill the gap of the Human Torch; and the Thing teaming up with the Flintstones. (This intro aged well considering the film schedule for summer of 2025. I will add that season 1 aside, the 1990s F4 cartoon was actually way underrated. Maybe if it was on Fox too, it may be remembered a bit more fondly? Not X-Men levels, but yeah! Also, I am contractually obliged to mention that The Thing never meets the Flintstones, no pun intended, outside of the intro to that cartoon, which I should dig up and consider giving the Tooned In treatment to. Maybe soon, considering the movie and all. And HERBIE — also part of the MCU F4 — was NOT created because parents feared Human Torch would cause kids to set themselves on fire. It was, say it with me, another pesky rights issue embargo deal because Universal wanted to do a Torch film.) So…what’s that? “Why ‘official,’” you ask? Well, while to some this might look like the First Family of Marvel finally joining the ranks of Spider-Man, the X-Men, and Daredevil (OK…I should’ve stopped with just the Big Two…) (and remember when Marvel only had 2-3 characters in other media?), some of us know better. For you see, a tick over 10 years ago, there actually was an attempt at a Fantastic Four movie, brought to us by the infamous Roger Corman. All that most of the public saw of it was a trailer at the beginning of some video release I forget the name of at the time. And those who DID find bootlegs of the actual movie can tell you why. As I did, and as I will.

Anyhow, as per the usual for my work, I will essentially make a list of moments and things throughout the movie that I found notable. Before I do that, however, a brief synopsis of what we’re getting into (courtesy of [AN INACTIVE LINK]) :

Every ten years, a mysterious comet-like energy called Colossus passes in its orbit close to the Earth. At a New York university, a bright young man named Reed Richards is working with his friend Victor von Doom. Together they hope to tap into the power of Colossus as an energy source for the future…Colossus sends down a bolt of energy which explodes the lab and electrocutes Victor. Reed’s burly friend Ben rushes in to help, but it is too late, and at the hospital a strange doctor declares Victor is dead.

Ten years later, Colossus is again nearing Earth. This time, Reed is older and wiser to repeat the experiment. A mysterious benefactor has funded the building of a rocket plane to fly closer to Colossus…Ben will pilot the plane, and together they revisit their friends Johnny and Sue… Unknown to the team, there is an eccentric dwarf named the Jeweler, an underground ruler of the city’s misfits, who knew about delivery of the special diamond and who has exchanged it with a counterfeit. When the four blast off to meet Colossus, the energy surge explodes the fake diamond and the plane. Miraculously, the team survives the fall to Earth, and they’re further horrified to discover Colossus has given them each strange new powers… The group is met by a military unit and taken to a castle for study, but their host turns out to be an evil mad caped man with a steel mask named Dr. Doom.

The group escapes Dr. Doom by using their powers, and back in New York they make several realizations…Everyone is learning to control their abilities except Ben, who runs into the night, depressed to be a monster.

…the lovelorn Jeweler has abducted a pretty girl whom Ben had a crush on before his transformation. The girl is blind so she does not see Ben’s monstrous form, but she recognizes his voice and calls to him for rescue. Ben is touched and temporarily changes back to human form….He yells “its clobberin’ time” and rescues the girl. Ben then rejoins his friends, and as a team with a mission they now track Dr. Doom…

• First we get the aforementioned trailer, which makes use of film clips and graphics right out of a local access program, or a porno movie. Well my friends tell me that most porno starts like that, OK????
• Opening credits…odd, there is no credit to Marvel at all.
• We start in a college lecture hall with a younger Reed, Victor, and Ben, though it’d take me a while more to figure out that the future Thing was indeed part of that group. More on that later. Big ‘80s markout moment, as the professor giving the lecture turns out to be Henry Warnamount from Punky Brewster!
• In the Storm household, young Johnny seems to be playing a combination of a Vectrex and an animated short from the golden age of Sesame Street. Even creepier, however, is when Reed first meets (and falls in love with) young Sue, who can’t be more than 13.
• The cosmic phenomenon Reed and Victor are so interested in harnessing is called “Colossus,” and you hear this name mentioned a lot in the movie as such. Whenever they do, I half expect a flat-topped metallic Russian to appear and start saying, “Da, tovarisch, your movie is – how you say – the suck!” (Like my recreation of a Russian accent)
• At any rate, when they first encounter “Colossus,” the lab seems to turn into a Gumby short, with a stop-motion iris that opens atop the roof, and cartoony lightning striking the machine.
• After the accident, Victor is declared dead by a bearded doctor of some unnamed foreign descent. But…SWERVE~! It turns out that he is one of Doom’s loyal followers, and he has something up his sleeve. I wonder if it’ll have something to do with the coming of a certain super villain??? And my Marvel canon knowledge is a bit rusty…did Victor rule Latveria before he “officially” became Doctor Doom?
• Flash forward in time, when we meet the soon-to-be Fantastic Four at their proper ages. Now that we get to know them better, my first reaction is…Ben looks and sounds really effeminate. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) Not the ever-loving, blue-eyed Thing-to-be I’d have in mind. Moreso when him and Reed show up at the Storms’ front door, and Ben asks, “Hi, Mrs. Storm, can Johnny and Sue go to outer space with us?” in his best pedophile voice. (Which there IS something wrong with!) Combined with Reed’s own pre-teen tendencies earlier on, those are some kinky tastes our heroes have, also considering that Sue will have a fling with the Sub-Mariner, and Johnny will marry a Skrull.
• And don’t even get me started on Reed and Ben just pulling people with no experience in space navigation and taking them along like this was a daytrip to the zoo or something.
• Cut to the Baxter Building, filmed as if someone was standing only three feet from it. Speaking of limited, I must mention that the film has ONE song used whenever a scene of any kind of emotional feeling comes about. I swear, you hear it once in every two scenes or something. And speaking of limited (attention span), Jay Underwood seems to have a chronic head-bobbing problem.
• We meet the Jeweller, and for 1/4th-1/2th of the movie I wondered if I was seeing some bastardization of Mole Man in this sewer-dwelling, English-accented outcast who looks like he was rejected for the movie Leprechaun.
• And speaking of kooky criminals, next come Doctor Doom’s henchmen…Their approach is also heralded by a blatant ripoff of the Jawa theme from Star Wars.
• The ship that will transport our would-be heroes is triangular and thus reminded me of the Cybertronian forms of the Decepticon seekers, which understandably didn’t look like jets until coming to Earth. Kind of like how on Cybertron, Soundwave was a LAMPPOST OF DOOM instead of a tape player.
• And yet, despite its futuristic appearance, Starship Richards has all the comforts of Earth…most notably, a TURN SIGNAL. As if asteroid belts cared if you had the right of way or not.
• The bombardment of cosmic rays is more akin to an out-of-body experience, with white light, kaleidoscope effects, and heavenly music. This is also Jay at his most sedate, as Johnny basically sells the moment as if he was stoned. Sue, on the other hand, looks like she’s about to pass a kidney stone.
• Doom’s throne room looks animated, harking back to the ‘70s live-action Shazam!(As always, suck it Danvers, it’s CAPTAIN MARVEL, not Shazam!) series…you know, the one with goofy teenage Billy Batson, his mentor named…”Mentor,” and of course the Shazammabago (basically, a mobile home that has a big card with a lightning bolt stuck on the front). When looking for that extra edge for crime fighting, Billy would converse in a cartoon cave with equally ink-and-paint versions of the Elders.
• And again, Jay proves that he’s forgotten his Ritalin, as he sells the intensity of what has just happened by yelling a lot and having continuous over-the-top nervous tics. He even hears voices in his head when his hand flames on for the first time. (remember, writing is [P] 2005…)
• Reed discovers his stretching powers for the first time, too, but it kind of looks like an inflated glove at the end of a gimmicked pole.
• Alicia Masters, while pondering the fate of Starship Richards and her new beau Ben, is visited by a delivery boy with Devon “Crowbar” Storm’s hair and beard, and a winged hat like that of Jay Garrick, the original Flash. Remember, only nerdy delivery boys imitate DC characters! Buy Marvel Comics instead!!! (And yes, it was probably a Thor reference, as I note later. I didn’t let that get in the way of my attempts to be a smartass)
• Alicia’s house has RAFTERS?!!?
• And to show what a champion of the disenfranchised the Jeweler is, it is revealed that he is basically the commander of a gang of hobos and homeless people.
• Finally, Thing gains some semblance of toughness, though it takes a slowed-down voice track and (obviously) new appearance, albeit one that looks like the result of conception between the Thing and one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movie versions)…we’ll say Donatello, as that was Corey Feldman, who Roger Corman is also familiar with from schlocky sequel Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever. Now THAT’S another one I should dig up for critiquing. (Still holds true. It was one of my Cable Obsession Movies as Comedy Central ran it A LOT in the 1990s. I think around 5 years ago, there was a documentary about RNRHSF on YouTube even.) Back to the Thing…actually, he also reminds me of a certain friend of ours who will remain nameless in this column, appearing out of nowhere asking, “Hey, what’s going on?”
• Hilarity ensues as each of the Fan 4 is examined by Dr. Hawkman. Because only wimpy doctors are the namesakes of DC…never mind! And yes, I realize that the delivery boy in the previous scene was probably wearing that cap as a tribute to Thor, who is most definitely a Marvel super hero. But what do you want…the facts or halfway decent jokes???? In any event…ANOTHER SHOCKING SWERVE~! Hawkman too works for Doom! (Though, after seeing how he fondles the doctor, I feel uncomfortable about speculating further on that working arrangement)
• As the Fan 4 stays overnight after their examination, Johnny amuses himself by playing some obscure card game that involves throwing the playing cards at the table top. We’ll never know if he had the upper hand in this unique contest, though, as it’s time for a PLAN OF ESCAPE~! which is kicked off by our heroes luring the guards close enough for them to turn the tables on them and fool the bad guys by taking their places! I tell you, Roger had no shortage of fresh new ideas. The guards are incapacitated when Thing lays waste to them. How do we know he did so? Because the camera spins, Hanna-Barbera style, while sounds of punching can be heard! Speaking of H-B, said effect for me brings to mind first the opening sequence of early adult-oriented cartoon Wait Till Your Father Gets Home, the “was it S.A.or not?” part where plus-sized Alice goes out for a date, then returns with a torn shirt. Come to think of it, it was kind of like Adult Swim-before-Adult Swim back in ’96, when Cartoon Network showed this program Sunday nights, I think in the 11 pm hour that now opens AS! (Think it was paired with something like Capitol Critters, one of many early ‘90s adult cartoons that were riding on the Follow-The-Simpsons wave). (Indeed it was, as I noted when I actually reviewed the show here. Thanks MeTV Toons for trusting Wait Till… to fill the voids Bullwinkle left, and allowing new audiences to discover it. Of course now, Adult Swim begins a LOT earlier…)
• After doing his dirty work, there is actually a rather amusing, Ben Grimm-like scene when Thing places the unconscious guards at the poker table and pretends to be having a game with them. But he soon joins the rest of the Four by just walking through the door, conjuring up another scenario starring my mystery friend.
• Exploring in what turns out to be Doom’s castle, Reed and company fawn over an atom splitter, which would be understandable if the lighting weren’t such that we could only barely make out what they were looking at! Enough of that nitpicking, though, as the Fan 4 have their first face-to-face with Doom himself! What begins this epic exchange? Basically Doom giving a vacation salespitch of his humble abode, while otherwise communicating in Power Ranger-like hand gestures and dramatic pauses (sample quote: “Keep your……… cool!”) Fortunately, for those who aren’t interested about the sights and sounds of fun-filled Latveria, violence soon breaks out between the heroes and Doom’s henchmen. Thing, who might have said “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” ™ for the second time in five minutes (and really, you shouldn’t overdo a catchphrase), again does his share of damage, making sure to flex and mug for the camera while doing so.
• Mr. Fantastic, on the other hand, uses a bit more cunning, waiting around the corner to trip henchmen with his elongated, cheesy special-affected foot. Anyway, the Four’s escape proves successful, and Thing tops it off by giving “prison break” a new yet clichéd meaning by busting through the wall like Kool-Aid Man, again giving me ideas about Unnamed Friend…especially with Thing going about with nothing but sweatpants. (I should write a biography about this friend some day. Basically he’s the Austin Stan I’ve talked about before…)
• We transition to the next scene with a “4” graphic that zooms up into the camera, which reminds me of old promos from what is now New York’s Fox station, WNYW-5 (then, WNEW-5, owned by Metromedia Television), where a zooming “5” would provide breaks between various pleasant scenes of the city while upbeat singers told us that “The choice is FIVE!” You can see this for yourself, by the way, here: (It’s on YouTube now, okay? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXCIut23C1U )
• Anyhow, back home, Reed has deduced that each member of the Four’s respective transformations are actually outer manifestations of their personalities; he became Mr. Fantastic because he “tries to do too much and stretch himself too thin”; Sue became the Invisible Woman because she is often shy and wishes she could just disappear when she doesn’t know what to say; Ben/Thing is aggressive; and Johnny/Human Torch is hotheaded. So impressed with this theory, Johnny exclaims, “Holy Freud, Batman!” Deleted scene: Reed performs neurosurgery on Johnny to erase any knowledge of this “Batman,” as there ARE NO OTHER SUPER HEROES BESIDES THE ONES ENDORSED BY STAN LEE. The sad thing is, this Reed would probably think of this before trying to help Johnny with his more obvious hyperactivity problem.
• It is here that we also get the inevitable “freak angst” experienced by Thing, after Reed and Sue say that Ben must be upset not looking human, and then Ben…says the exact same thing before storming off to the streets, where he is told off by a restaurant maintenance employee and rejected by girls, all the while the camera spins and goes slow-mo to hammer the point home. In other news, a Mr. Banner released the following statement: “Hulk smash copyright infringing rocky man!”

(I originally did this in two parts. Here’s where we pick up with Part Two…)

– Now when we last left our heroes, they had just survived their capture by Doctor Doom…but Ben Grimm stormed out of the Baxter Building as it sunk in that he now looked like the result of a Ninja Turtle and a granola bar’s night of carnal knowledge. Back at F4 headquarters, Sue tries to introduce Halloween costume-quality renditions of those familiar blue and white spandex jumpsuits. Johnny just thinks the idea is stupid, while Reed could care less. By the way, Sue, putting the “4” near your midsection defeats the entire purpose of logoed female superhero costumes. To quote a recurring Match Game question: “This t-shirt craze has gotten out of control. Yesterday I saw a girl with a bookie shop across her chest. Those were the biggest BLANKS I ever saw!” (in this case, the definitve answer would be “numbers,” of course) (Boob humor, [p] 2005…)

– Meanwhile, the lonely Thing is propositioned by the Jeweler’s homeless troupe, led here by a guy resembling Robert Troll from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make Believe. Despite only growling and barely paying attention, Ben ends up following them back, where the Jeweler and company are giving Alicia grief. In response, Alicia gives a quickie version of the “blind people aren’t outcasts!” speech and generally yells and grimaces as much as her beau.

– The sight of the Jeweler’s men practically worshipping the Thing, replete with sweatpants, again reminds me of imaginary scenarios involving our mysterious friend referred to in Part I. Little do the bums and their new “god” know, they’re about to have more company, as…

– Doctor Doom discusses his plans to take a “day trip” (what’s with you and all the vacation analogies, Victor?!!?) via monitor hookup with one of his scientists. It also looks like he’s trying to play a game of “grab the image on the TV set with your thumb and forefinger” while doing so. (Editor’s Note: kinda’ like the Kids In the Hall “I am squishing your head” skit)

– Back with the heroes (of which Sue is still the only one wearing the stupid costume!). Surprisingly, Johnny is able to express a thought calmly when he mentions that only Reed could have known about Colossus…then he can’t help but stick a head bob in when he comes up with the thought that Victor knew too!

– Now for our supervillain showdown between Team Doom and the Homeless Brigade. The one-sided battle is pretty much just Doom flexing and his snipers shooting at the Jeweler’s men, who sell by falling down high ledges. The saddest death of all, however, was when Robert Troll tries to fight off the Doctor himself by growling and clawing like the Cowardly Lion, only to get shot by Doom’s pistol. Such heroic nonsense…

– Another good moment has Doom not caring if the Jeweler shoots Alicia should he advance. He even encourages it…until THAT is enough to snap the Thing out of it. Doom persuades Jeweler to let Alicia go, only to take her captive himself (and to take over as sole villain, as this is what ends up being the last we see of the Jeweler), causing Ben to shout “It’s Clobberin’ Time” for about the 254th time; here, he sounds rather like the Big Show. But what’s this? Alicia begs him not to provoke Doom, and furthermore professes her love. Which is enough to allow Ben to change back to human form via very crude morphing effects. So all those destructive fights with the Hulk and the like, and all anyone had to do to defeat the Thing was to tell them that they love him? Granted, most super heroes have their machismo to uphold, but what do you want people to see…your feminine side (Not that there’s etc. etc.) or your ass getting kicked?

– Yet the above query is soon moot, as just seconds after making this startling transformation, and escaping Doom’s henchmen, Ben screams in anger and instantly turns back into the Thing (no morphing here, just flashing between images of Ben and Thing, ending with the dreaded spinning camera). No side story with Ben getting back his humanity, nothing. It just ends as fast as it began. Did Corman feel cocky about the money his movie would make, and just for kicks wanted the Hulk to sue him?!!? (Dear 2005 Me: The Hulk is not smart enough to seek legal action against anyone, he would just find and smash them. Also, the Hulk is not real. I doubt that Corman or anyone needed to fear a lawsuit from him.)

– Having taken Alicia hostage (despite her…basically acting like someone with lockjaw trying to bite another person), Doom now torments the three other Fan 4 members via another monitor. Why did everyone have those 10 years ago…heck, 30 years ago if you count the Superfriends? (Now 30 and 50 years…gasp!) Yet all I have now is a lousy video chat that only works on my computer when the stars reach a certain alignment??? (Be patient, 2005 me. Messenger and Zoom is coming.) Anyhow, Doom practically does a hand puppet show, culminating in him drawing a “12” in the air with his finger to signify the number of hours Reed, et al have to stop him before he uses his laser to destroy New York, which he provides a helpful example of on-screen. I almost expected him to reappear and explain, “Actually that was just a scene from the movie Independence Day…the real [air quotes] ‘laser’ will be much worse.” (Dear youngsters. Back in the 2000s, we just finished a series of movies starring a spoof of 1960s James Bond. His name was Austin Powers. This is where that routine comes from. Oh and the first movie was the best and honestly only one to check out from start to end.)

– Fortunately, the Thing returns and the Four are happily reunited…complete with the “Love Theme from Fantastic Four” playing in the background. There was actually a Reed/Ben-like moment here when Thing is ready to get back at Doom, to which Reed gives a “Now hold on…” response to explain the situation. In here, Reed and Sue profess their love…and Johnny jumps in the middle of them, “securing” his place on the team. We do get the famous “hand-on-hand” circle image too, though.

– So back to the (air quotes) “laser”…and Johnny just wanders away as the rest of the team are banding together. They all nonetheless get trapped in force fields while Doom taunts them, making hand gestures that could lead to politically incorrect jokes. He also says of his mask, “Look at it! See it!” You forgot, “Gaze upon it! View it!” And how about “stare at it! Watch it!” Anyway, cut to the chase…Doom wants the F4’s powers for himself, and has a transferring device for the purpose. He gets away with turning it on, causing…1) Sue to basically make like she’s having an orgasm, 2) Johnny to make Popeye faces, and 3) Reed…to do absolutely nothing. Fortunately he gets a foot under the force field and is able to use his powers to kick over the diamond and break the trap. For approximately the 7,500th time, “It’s Clobberin’ Time.” Oh, but this time, it’s “for real!” Oh IT’S ON now, as Thing throws jabs left and right, Reed and his animated limbs make like Dhalsim from Street Fighter II, and Sue uses invisible hijinks to incapacitate the henchmen.

– So Doom is left, and he has gone ahead and activated the (air quotes) “laser.” How will our heroes ever save the city????? Wait for it…FLAME ON! And Johnny reveals his super secret trick…which is to turn into a cartoon Human Torch, chase, and then stop the (air quotes) “laser”! Seriously, this is considered perhaps the most infamous scene from this movie. (Well, Wizard Magazine made fun of it a lot…) Yet not quite as bad as the obviously-CGI, shadowed Nightwing that leapt from car to car in the fan movie Nightwing: A Night at Bludhaven. (Ah yes, the good old days of Midtown Comics and their bootleg VHSs of fanmade videos like Batman vs. Alien vs. Predator, and the one guy who tried to adapt the death of Gwen Stacy, complete with pompadour Peter Parker and the memorable Norman Osborn catchphrase, “Harry? HARRY MY SON?”)

– And now, while this goes on, it’s Reed and Doom, one on one. Doom tried to draw first blood by unsheathing claws on the fingers of his glove. Hide your tuna, it’s Whiskers Von Doom! Unfortunately, Doom isn’t as quick as a cat as well, and falls victim to a series of more Dhalsim punches from Reed, the last of which is delivered “for being a real jerk” and sends him over the ledge. Mr. Fantastic, NOT being a real jerk, grabs Victor by the hand to save him, only to be taunted more for not landing the killing blow. But that happens unintentionally when Doom’s glove comes loose and he plummets…laughing. The rest of the team comes and he leaves the glove…which MOVES on its own in an attempt to be foreboding. Cliched AND nonsensical!

– Oh yeah, we have a Torch vs. (air quotes) “laser” fight to complete. Despite taking a cheesy looking tumble, the Human Cartoon successfully turns the beam into various special effects. And from there, we are on our way to living happily ever after, complete with…

– A wedding! Reed and Sue tie the knot (with all the guys in their costumes! And the Thing is still topless! And the LTfF4 in the background, of course) Mr. F uses his hand-on-a-stick…I mean, his powers, to wave goodbye to us all from the limo’s window.

END THOUGHTS: Well, this rendition of the F4 certainly delivered…since I was expecting something cheesy and even quite bad at times. If you’re worried about F4 2005 getting any subpar reviews, track this down and watch it, then you’ll be glad you have Jessica Alba and all. For me, though, it was fun watching this and picking it apart, I’ll say that much. I will actually recommend finding this movie so you can do the same.

(And now, given what has been done since with the franchise, some may say the CORMAN movie is the most faithful, again by default! The first Tim Story film was not that bad, though, mostly for Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans…which makes sense because Torch and Thing are probably the most interesting characters of the team anyway. Probably not that great, but I felt like I’d say I liked it to own Revenge of the Sith…somehow??? But yeah, it was an okayish film as long as you got Ben and Johnny antics. Hopefully they finally get it right on July 25th…)