The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.13.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.13.96

The Vault has the new Terry Funk Mixtape up this week and I WANT TO REVIEW IT SO BAD but I don’t have 4.5 hours free this week to do so. Might have to break it down into smaller chunks.

Despite the new Sunday morning slot, we are once again warned of action of a GRAPHIC nature. Couldn’t be any worse than listening to Jim Ross throw out inside baseball references for an hour last time.

Taped from State College, PA, on 09.24.96, drawing 3100.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Savio Vega v. Salvatore Sincere

Steve Austin joins us on commentary to scout Savio for their PPV match that didn’t happen, and Steve points out that he’s been slagging Bret all over the country for weeks now and Bret won’t even give him the satisfaction of returning to face his insults like a man. Savio and Sal have a dance-off while Austin suddenly turns on Perfect and calls him a punk for suddenly becoming Marc Mero’s coach like a “goodie two-shoes”, and Perfect snaps that maybe Austin should take his advice and he’ll get to wear some gold too. Savio sends Sincere to the floor with a hiptoss while Austin notes that he goes to the ring like a buzzsaw with black boots and trunks and doesn’t need a bunch of GARBAGE like sparkles and tassels, unlike some other people like Marc Mero. So Perfect notes that he’s never been in the ring with Austin, so Austin has no idea what Perfect can do in the ring and he’ll be happy to educate Steve. Holy crap this commentary battle is 100 times more entertaining than the shitty match. They’re literally doing a split screen deal as Austin and Perfect cut promos on each other and the two jobbers dance around the ring like doofuses. Finally JR sends Austin back to the dressing room so he doesn’t do anything, and Perfect continues going off on him. So Austin goes down to ringside and grabs Savio to take out his frustrations on him, dropping Savio on the ring apron to knock him out, and that allows Sincere to hit the Uncle Slam to finish at 4:55. OK this whole deal was a THOUSAND times better than pretty much anything we’ve seen on this show for months. Unfortunately Austin v. Vega didn’t happen and the Austin v. Perfect feud went nowhere, but you take what you can get.

Sadly, they did have ONE match together in 2002, but it was…well, not good.

https://youtu.be/43Djrxjz6II?si=knBKex-J4rgqKUqO

Meanwhile, Undertaker is still digging the grave for Mankind, although really it’s only symbolic because there’s a totally different grave in the arena for the match.

Crush v. Freddie Joe Floyd

Some fan at ringside calls Crush a JAILBIRD and Crush is enraged, as you might expect. And of course we play What’s In the News to show how live the show is, and JR gets a shot at Vince McMahon in case we’ve forgotten about that. Crush beats on Floyd while they keep showing the planted fan with the Jailbird sign at ringside trying to start a “Jailbird” chant with this dead crowd sitting on their hands. So Crush goes out and GRABS THE SIGN, which is probably where the graphic content warning comes from because a paper cut could result from it. Back in the ring, Freddie flails away with punches and Crush no-sells them all and finishes with the heart punch at 2:55. This was as stupid and lame as the opening segment was awesome and exciting. And the guy at ringside keeps yelling at Crush, so Crush pulls him out and beats him up. The Nation of Domination literally saved Adams’ career at this point because this shit was going NOWHERE.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Marc Mero falls victim to the Temu Outsiders.

Sid joins us for an interview with Kevin Kelly. And Sid reads us some poetry!

Ahem, if I may.

Hickory dickory dock,

The big man watched the clock

He wracked his mind,

To think of a rhyme

And all he could say was Vader Time

So he travelled the land,

Asking Who’s the Man?

Holy cow and you thought that that Kendrick fella was hardcore.

The Goon v. The Stalker

I’ve had nightmares induced by mixing alcohol and medication that started like this. Also Goldust joins us on commentary and notes that the Stalker “never uses the front door”. JR: “Well I don’t know anything about that.” Goon puts the boots (skates?) to Stalker and hits him with a pump kick before necking him on the top rope, but Stalker slams him while Goldust makes increasingly filthy references on commentary here on a Sunday morning show aimed at kids. Goon with a running knee and gut wrench for two while they hint at some kind of history between Goldust and the Stalker. Stalker with a flying forearm and he takes Goon to the top for the superplex at 3:11. Barry Windham is trying for a world record of having atrocious negative-star matches on this show. Two and counting so far!

Meanwhile, we get yet another video reminding us that Jesse Jammes is the REAL DOUBLE J because he sang the stupid song and Jeff Jarrett didn’t, even though that was literally more than a year ago and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE. Apparently Jeff Jarrett, gone from the promotion months earlier, can neither sing nor dance. Shocking.

British Bulldog & Owen Hart v. The Godwinns

The upcoming PPV is sponsored by a hot new game on Playstation called “Crash Bandicoot”. But how can they monetize it with live service and DLC packs? The Gunns do another inset promo before the PPV where Billy is still fixated on Sunny and Bart wants him to just shut up about it. Billy can visit her now whenever he wants! Well during visiting hours at least. Henry hits Owen with a press slam and Bulldog comes in, while Phineas gets all riled up and the crowd is actually hot for his shine sequence. But then he takes a swing at the ref by accident and Henry has to tackle his cousin (brother?) and we take a break. Back with HOG hitting Owen with a facebuster for two. But then it’s back to PIG and Owen hits him with a leg lariat to take over. Meanwhile Jim Cornette joins us on commentary and rants about how Clarence Mason screwed him out of managing the champs via contractual chicanery. The champs double-team Phineas and beat on him, and Owen hits him with the enzuigiri and goes up with a flying splash that misses. Hot tag Henry and he runs wild with a pretty effective comeback to set up the Slop Drop on Bulldog to finish at 6:48. That’s a rather confusing result that, as far as I know, didn’t lead to anything whatsoever. The match was totally fine, even kinda good. **1/2

Faarooq v. Jason Ahrndt

Faarooq beats on Jason (the future Joey Abs) and powerslams him, and finishes with the Dominator at 2:33, which the announcers call “The Tiger Bite”.

And we wrap it up with Mankind also hanging out in the graveyard, concerned about getting buried alive and having maggots eating his flesh. Well hopefully he has some backup then.

Well THANK YOU whichever combination of deities I was successfully able to appeal to in order to make Jim Ross tone down the bullshit commentary after last week’s personal low point for this show. This was a much better show, with the incredible Perfect/Austin verbal sparring match and a Harts/Godwinns tag team match that was completely acceptable.