Tri-State Wrestling Alliance Autumn Armageddon 09/15/90

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Penn Hall
Attendance 1,500

Previously in TWA…

Joel Goodhart starts the show by yelling a lot. The Philly crowd is already sizzling like deep-fried cheesesteak and they can’t even bring themselves to boo the eight year old kid singing the anthem. They’re getting soft.

Cactus Jack vs. Eddie Gilbert

The NWA’s dreadlocked Cactus Jack makes his debut, already over with this smart crowd. Cactus tells a story about Goodheart ringing him to ask if he wanted a match with Eddie but Cactus needed time to think so he rang Joel back, collect. Cactus tells everyone he’s a “spiritual, social, sexual loser who is only on Earth to kick butt and he can’t wait to kick Eddie’s!” Man that was beautiful.

Eddie sells Cactus’ punches by flying higher than Lawler did when he hit him with his car. Gilbert is pulling a shift here, with the crowd not even caring that he messes up a leapfrog over Cactus’ big head. Cactus applies a Figure Four Leglock which is an odd sight and I’m glad someone took a photo of it.

It draws the ire of the fans because it’s been ten minutes and Cactus hasn’t killed himself yet. So Jack lands the Cactus Clothesline to the outside to shut them up. Cactus charges but Gilbert sidesteps leading to Cactus absolutely smashing himself over the guardrail.

Gilbert follows that with a suplex over the guardrail onto the floor because clearly that bump wasn’t enough. At the fifteen minute announcement, Cactus misses a Patera Charge in the ring so Gilbert lands a cocky running bulldog. Cactus takes a shoulder tackle as you’d think this would be the moment when he’d make a triumphant comeback but instead Gilbert lands a Hot Shot for the pin at 14:28.

The main reason to watch early Cactus is to see what crazy thing he’s going to do next and the guard-rail moment gave us more than that. Gilbert was effective as a dickhead and the crowd ate it up with ketchup and mustard.

Adrian Street vs. Jimmy Valiant

Street gets a bigger pop than Valiant. Street being known in USA is weird to me considering how iconic he is in the UK, with his rep only growing after his death as non-fans now know him as the guy that beat the fuck out of Jimmy Saville that one time.

Street is his usual camp self, posing for the ref so he can check him out before parading around to confuse Valiant. Street tries to kiss the ref so Valiant plays GAY MIND GAMES by actually kissing the ref. The ref misses Miss Linda trying to grab Valiant so he grabs his dick and says “did you miss that?” Both men try their homosexual psychology with Jimmy being the stronger one there. I mean he’s a nine hundred year old Prospector that probably carries around a Blunderbuss, gayness won’t bother him because he’s probably fucked holes in trees.

We get the announcement that five minutes has passed so punches get traded to prove this is actually a wrestling match. Street takes Valiant down with a rough wristlock as he clearly wasn’t expecting to bump today. Street’s wristlock control is wonderful but it’s the wrong crowd and time to be focusing on that so Street lands a headbutt to Valiant’s crotch that hasn’t been washed since Gettysburg. Valiant responds with one of his own so Street can really ham it up with the selling. Valiant accidentally hits the ref with his flailing whilst in a sleeper hold, allowing Miss Linda to smash Valiant to allow Street to get the popular win at 5:47.

These match times are all wrong but they’re from CageMatch which is never wrong, only when people rate things differently to me. As for the match: I’m glad it happened.

Former NWA American Tag Team Champion Bulldog Brower heads out to a hero’s welcome and to tell everyone that Terry Funk is gonna beat up Lawler tonight. Well that was nice.

TWA Heavyweight Title Match (vacant)
Rockin’ Rebel vs. DC Drake (w/ Don. E Allan, Woman & Baby Doll)

Rebel was the first TWA Champion after winning it in a Battle Royal before he then immediately vacated it. So he’s challenging for it again. He’s waving the Confederate flag in case it wasn’t clear he’s an idiot.

Rebel Pearl Harbours Drake and piledrives him on the floor with the dodgy lighting showing off his now-blond hair. Drake is so mad he threatens to throw the ring steps into the crowd but his new manager Woman calms him down. Rebel and Woman being in the same match is really lowering the mood. Drake insists on choking and battering Rebel on the outside and soaks up the crowd heat because he’s getting tons of boos and cheers. Rebel chokes him with the second place flag and the crowd are cheering as this continues to be a big brawl brawl brawl. Rebel can’t pin Drake because Baby Doll puts his foot on the ropes and throws powder into Rebel’s eyes, allowing Drake so use a Foreign Object to punch Rebel for the win and title at 12:36

Crowd were going nuts over this despite the complete lack of anything except mindless brawling. Interesting seeing a popular heel with a platoon of managers being popular in Philly before Raven and Justin Credible etc. would perfect the formula years later.

Chris Adams & Kevin Von Erich vs. Austin Idol & Al Perez

Perez had just finished a completely unsuccessful ten months in WWF and is a month away from competing as The Black Scorpion, so even if he loses tonight this will still be one of his career highlights by default.

Idol is dressed in an insane yellow-and-green striped tights and hat get-up. Chris Adams doesn’t think Idol is the women’s fancy and the men’s regret, he thinks he’s a (RADIO EDIT) and we’ll move on.

Adams’ punches are decent enough to send Idol outside to compose himself. Kevin tags in for some hammerlock-y goodness. He very smoothly escapes out of a Perez wristlock to deliver a dropkick. Kevin could be very smooth. Idol has to kick Adams low to gain any advantage with the crowd more into booing Idol than cheering Von Erich. Idol has to grab the mic and insult Adams to get more heat as he hears the crowd quietening. Perez drops Kevin face-first on the guard-rail to continue this with Idol deciding to stay on the fans. “Your daddy wanted a boy, your momma wanted a girl, and they were both satisfied!”

So Perez does all the hard work in the ring while Idol hams it up. It’s needed as the crowd is only reacting to his bullshit so when Idol stops, so do they. At the fifteen minute mark, Adams lands a wonderful enziguri to shock the crowd so shoeless Kevin can tag in. Idol cuts him off immediately with a choke before everyone brawls to the outside for the Double Count Out at 12:50.

Action was fine but the crowd didn’t care about it or the star power on display here which is interesting to me considering they’re supposed to be cool dirtsheet reading fans.

Mr. Sandman vs. JT Smith

Sandman is wearing neon tights but doesn’t have the body for it. He looks like when Dale Gribble started working at Hooters.

Sandman refuses to stop attacking Smith in the corner so the ref (Ron Shaw) has to hip toss him away. That’s too cute of a spot to do in the first minute, at least build to it. Sandman lands an ungainly dropkick but the ref slow counts him and OH I SEE what the story of this match is. Smith gets squished taking a bump over the ropes as he bends in half over the ring apron, like when Boss Man would get eliminated in the Royal Rumble. Sandman eventually showboats too much and gets thrown off the top rope. He’s still able to kick out of the fast-counts though as the crowd get confused. Sandman takes a big ol’ Irish whip into the guard-rails but keeps kicking off JT’s Just s(T)arted offence. The ref ignores Sandman’s foot being on the rope and counts a Northern Lights Suplex to end it at 7:32. Or not as the announcer says ten minutes has passed as this has lost control. The match is still going on so the ref flies over the ropes and turns on JT Smith by delivering a clothesline to roll him in and count the pin for Sandman at 12:48. Yikes.

Crowd enjoyed the ref antics even if it made no sense. As long as there’s noise and movement the Philly crowd will react so I look forward to Sandman jingling a set of keys next month.

Oh then another ref shows up to fine the original ref $5,000 and tells him to leave or be suspended for a year. Once you’ve finished laughing at Sandman strutting to The Beach Boys, you can skip the wrestling.

Hair Vs. Hair Match
Johnny Hot Body vs. Tony Stetson

I don’t think Flair & Steamboat had as many matches together as Body & Stetson. Body stalls for ages so everyone can get a good look at his mullethawk. Tony calls him a “a fat piece of shit” to motivate him. Didn’t work for Vader and it doesn’t work for Body who has to be told to start wrestling by the ref or he’ll lose via forfeit. The ref is future WCW star Scott Dickinson and I point this out as nothing has happened and we’re seven minutes in. TWA shows were an exercise in excess.

Stetson lands a dropkick before launching Body into the ring post so he can start bleeding after one and a half moves. Body gets escorted around the ringside area as the crowd sound burnt out and there’s three more matches left. They brawl in the crowd and even that’s getting less and less reaction. Stetson tries a ten punch but Body sends him over the top rope and we get even more ringside action as I can tell no-one backstage was watching the previous matches if they’re going to do the same thing over and over again. It’s like AEW Full Gear. Body lands a decent suplex before completely messing up a follow-up. This drags on and on until Stetson gets a quick roll up to a big pop at 16:32.

Stetson tells everyone that shaving his head is going to give him more satisfaction than making love to any woman. Body doesn’t care and DDTs Body onto a chair and shaves HIS head instead until some of his mates show up to save the day. Body spits on a fan on the way out with it visible on camera, causing the fan to try to attack Stetson before he waddles away. Urgh.

Abdullah The Butcher vs. Manny Fernandez (w/ Cactus Jack)

Abby starts off by attacking Cactus who he has beef with from his NWA run earlier this year, with Cactus (now wearing a casual Herb Abrams’ UWF shirt) is more than happy to fly around for the Meat Van From The Sudan. Cactus retaliates with his snake-skin boot to make sure both men are bleeding before the match starts.

Crowd are happy when Manny shows up to continue using Cactus’ boot as a weapon. No wonder the veterans loved Cactus, he was happy to do all the work for them. Crowd are much happier seeing Abby shove his knife into Manny’s face because they respect him. Manny casually slams Abby which I don’t even think was happening on TV during this time. Abby retaliates with a running elbow but Manny kicks out as these two aren’t wasting any time. It was probably nearly midnight anyway. Both men brawl outside and out of the ring and down the ramp and probably into the nearest taxi for an apparent Double DQ or Count Out at 4:33.

Much more spirited thanks to the efforts of three men working quicker than the lads half their age. Imagine being out-worked by Abdullah The Butcher.

Terry Funk vs. Jerry Lawler

These two have been hating one another since 1976. Funk shows up to The Theme From Rocky and is wearing pink gear with multi-coloured leggings.

Funk immediately goes over the guard rail to yell at someone to make sure these fans are paying attention and also for Lawler to stomp Funk’s hat and launch it into the audience. Funk goes out for it as the crowd are so impressed/scared that it gets thrown back to security. Wow. Funk takes the Flair Flip, but gets stuck on the ropes so Lawler kicks him like a cat playing with a ball of yarn until he’s released. Funk fucking hates that so he lobs a chair into the ring, which is caught by the ref so he sulks outside for a bit instead. Funk is generating so much tension by not wrestling, it’s wonderful seeing the attention the crowd is giving him.

Lawler slams him on the timekeeper’s table, which then collapses so Funk gets mad and destroys the chairs around him. Lawler Irish whips Funk into the turnbuckles until Funk collapses. Funk starts slapping Lawler around as the two of the best strikers in history go at it, with the fans being the winner as the two go punch for punch around the ringside area with both selling like they’ve driven into a moose. Funk sticks Lawler with a piledriver to the crowd’s glee but Jerry won’t be put away. Suplex and neckbreaker follow with Funk having enough of the ref and nailing him with a piledriver too as the crowd continue to come alive. Eddie Gilbert shows up to take over ref duties and to carry on his King of Philadelphia feud that would bore everyone in ECW. Gilbert and Funk land a double suplex before Eddie counts the pin on Funk as the crowd cheers and treats it like a proper victory at 14:48

Lawler continues taking a pounding until Austin Idol of all people makes the save. Idol saving Lawler? Was Jimmy Hart unavailable? Idol busts open Funk who begs away while giving us YET ANOTHER BRAWL through the crowd and even more talking from Lawler who calls them cowards until they prove him wrong by walking away.

Funk cries while crying about the state of his face, demanding medical attention. Also Funk thinks Gilbert is a fine ref so everyone needs to shut up. This was all easily the highlight of the show, Lawler’s pantomime meshing wonderfully with Funk’s Cape Fear highlight reel.

Reverse Cage Battle Royal
Top Gun vs. Rockin’ Rebel vs. Larry Winters vs. Cheetah Kid vs. Bounty Hunter vs. Crybaby Waldo vs. Ron Shaw vs. Ghetto Blaster vs. Triton

You know it’s going well when Joel says he hopes to introduce everyone in this main event as it’s got to be nearly 1 am now. So everyone makes their entrance and…ah I see, people have to brawl to get INTO the cage to win so it’s the TNA Reverse Battle Royal but with a cage because what we need after several hours of mindless brawling is even more mindless brawling. I’m not a snob or anything but c’mon man. It’s a sea of lads punching and punching and punching with the occasional whip into the guard-rail. Crowd sound mildly into it which is impressive considering they’re following funking Lawler and fucking Funk. Rockin’ Rebel gets in first and that ends it. Crowd pop. 6:27.

Oh wait no it isn’t as Winters isn’t happy about not winning so he climbs in to attack him, kickstarting everyone else to join in for THE BIG OL’ PIE FIGHT as I fast-forward to the copyright screen at the end of the tape because I’m worried this show will never fucking end.

Overall: OK we’re at the point where TWA turns into the spam sketch from Monty Python by giving us one thing a million times until you never want to see it again. Early Cactus is always a treat, as is Funk vs. Lawler but the rest is best watched at a distance or with an episode of Frasier playing in the background to prevent your brain from trying to escape your skull.

Next week: Winter Challenge II aka frozen spam.

i’ve been maffew