Have Yourself a Hogan Christmas : random Hulk Hogan Holiday Facts

(So I am now “officially” a writer, again. I’ll be posting my stuff on my own as such. If for some reason this account is different from my Disqus one, well…let’s just say computers can be a bitch, obviously)

It goes without saying….everybody knows that Hulk Hogan is infamous for his exaggerations, inaccuracies, and flat-out lies when it comes to wrestling history and his own importance. But what if he decided to make his own tall holiday tales on top of those?

Sit by a fireplace, trim the tree, and read this Hulkamaniac Christmas List to see all the things you can thank Santa with Muscles for…

“Jean Shepherd wrote ‘In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash’ from the times I told him about my childhood. That’s right, Ralphie is really Terry Bollea, brother!”

“I told the Hulkster in Heaven to send Clarence to save George Bailey’s life, dude!”

“I was the Spirit of Christmas Past, Present, AND Future, brother, because Hulkamania will live forever, dude! So it was the power of the training, prayers, and vitamins that changed Ebeneezer Scrooge for the better, and he also learned to believe in himself and the Hulkster, Jack!”

“I was going to be Jack Frost and wrestle Goldberg in Santa’s Slay 2, brother, but I just agreed to return to the WWE to take on the Rock at WrestleMania, so I was too busy and they figured it wasn’t worth having the sequel anyway, dude.”

“Frosty the Snowman might have a chance against the Hulkster, man. Because OW! HE’S NOT HOT!!!”

“I was the original choice to star in Jingle All The Way, before Arnold, brother. I couldn’t resist cause I’d get to beat up that big nasty stinky Big Show Giant again, dude. But they didn’t want me because I just became a bad guy and joined the NWO.”

“Mary and Joseph wanted me to be their Little Drummer Boy, brother.”

“I convinced Snoopy the World War I Flying Ace and the Red Baron to have a Christmas truce, dude.”

“I gave Charlie Brown’s tree my Hulk Hogan vitamins, brother.”

“The Mystery Science Theater dudes wanted to do a Let’s Have A Hulk Hogan Christmas song on their show, in honor of Santa with Muscles coming out, brother. But New Line Cinema asked too much to allow them to make references to the movie, so they had to do it about Road House and Patrick Swayze instead, dude.”

“In 1985, Macy’s wanted me to end the Thanksgiving Day Parade instead of Santa, brother.”

“I was first choice to be John McClane in Die Hard, dude!”

“I told all my Hulkamaniacs that Die Hard should be a Christmas movie, Jack!”

“After that big nasty Earthquake broke my ribs in 1990, brother, in my spare time away from the WWF I wrote ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ and gave it to Mariah Carey when I was at her concert, Jack.”

“The Hogan family Christmas tree was 15 feet tall and weighed 600 pounds, brother. And it died the day after Christmas, dude.”

“I saved Christmas the year all of Santa’s reindeer were sick with West Nile Virus, dude, and I loaned Santa the Ultimate Warrior’s rocket ship from Parts Unknown, brah!”

“Mr. Hanky was one of my bowel movements, brother!”

“The Grinch had a change of heart after I took him in the middle of the combat zone and legdropped his furry green ass, Jack!”

“I DIDN’T come up with the name ‘Black Friday,’ brother.”

“I was the first to offer to hang out with the Fonz on Christmas Day when he had no family to celebrate with, brother! And I am undefeated in the Shotz Brewery Christmas Talent Show too, dude!”

“I’m issuing a challenge to Bret Hart or that kraut Krampus, brother…”

“I booted that big nasty stinky rapist and saved Edith Bunker, brother.”

“I was going to run the Cantina in the Star Wars Holiday Special, but I was wrestling in Memphis that night. I had to because Elvis was in the crowd at the Mid South Coliseum too, brother. So they called Bea Arthur instead, dude.”

“I would have also saved Archie Bunker’s drag queen friend, brother, but I was recovering from my broken neck after the Undertaker tombstoned me in 1975, dude.”

“I told Mary Richards that she could take this thing into the seventies and beyond if she worked at WJM-TV on Christmas Eve, brother, instead of hanging out with her friends, man. No sacrifice, no victory, little Hulksters! Thank God Lou Grant was a Hulkamaniac, brother! Cause otherwise, him, Ted Baxter, and Murray Slaughter wouldn’t have visited her to cheer her up like Real Americans would!!!!”

“I was supposed to walk in and offer that homeless girl and her father from the mall a chance to stay at my house, cause I knew Zack Morris was trash from day one, brother, and knew that we’d never see those poor people again if he was allowed to spread his evil Zack influence, dude. Only that big nasty Sid Justice stopped me on the way to Bayside, California, and I had to take care of business, Jack!”

“I helped Mr. Bean find that giant turkey when I was over in London for SummerSlam ’92. It cheered me up when I heard about that little Hulkamaniac the world just lost, brother. It almost got the smell of death lingering over Wembley Stadium out of my nose at last!”

“I would have posed for ‘The Men of Blanche’s Boudoir’ calendar, but I missed the phone call when I was hanging and banging, brother. Same afternoon I missed Paul Orndoff’s call to team with him against Studd and Bundy, dude.”

“It wasn’t the Christmas spirit that made Skeletor feel good and save the kids from Horde Prime, it was HULKAMANIA, brother!!!”

“‘The Christmas Shoes’ was written by me and the guys who wrote ‘Hulkster in Heaven,’ brother. I got inspiration from that and the time I gave my boots to Evad Sullivan, dude.”

“We all know that the Pilgrims met the Yapapi Tribe on the first Thanksgiving celebration, brother.”

“I also told the Peanuts that Franklin on the same side of the table with the other kids didn’t work for me, brother.”

“I delivered all those Santa Baby gifts to Madonna personally in 1986, while I was dating her and Cher at the same time. Someone told me to give them to Eartha Kitt first, but that too doesn’t work for me, brother.”

“‘Headlock on my Heart’ was supposed to be part of A Smoky Mountain Christmas, but I told Dolly Parton to save it to give her TV series extra ratings, brother. What is ABC gonna do when the Largest Arms in the World meets the Largest…um, Voice in the World, Jack!”

“I convinced that chick to give away George Michael’s heart. Ultimate Warrior told me he didn’t seem right for her, brother.”

“I helped John Lennon write ‘Happy Christmas (War Is Over)’ when we partied after the first WrestleMania, brother.”

“I found the tape of The Soulmates Gift of Light. AND both WPIX Yule Log films!”

“I gave everyone on Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock invites to Emily Bear’s house for Christmas, brother!”

“I was the one who planted all the trees in the Evergreen Forest by Christmas Eve, after Cyril Sneer chopped them down, brother!”

“I bring that giant Christmas tree (which is nowhere as big as Andre the Giant was) into Rockefeller Center singlehandedly every year, brother. All I need is the Largest Arms In The World, Jack!”

“The Rockettes can do that kick line because they copied me giving people the Big Boot, brother.”

“I convinced Santa’s Little Helper to lay down for the other dogs on that racetrack, brother, so that it would lead him to find the Simpsons after, dude. Everyone knows I always do what’s best for the company, Jack, even if that nasty stinky Vince Russo told me to, dude.”

“The Ice Cream Bunny happened to be on that beach in Florida because he was visiting Hulk Hogan’s Beach Shop, brother! If he wasn’t a Hulkamaniac, he couldn’t have helped Santa’s sleigh out of that sand, Jack!”

“After Merlin the Wizard moved to King Arthur’s Court, Santa Claus invited me to his fortress in the North Pole if that no good devil Pitch ever returned again, brother! I was going to buy Lupita her dolly with my own money, because stealing is bad and we don’t want to be bad, we want to be good, brother. Only I had to save up for Christmas because I just said HELL NO to the multi Million Dollar Man’s offer for the WWF title, and it would look hypocritical if I bought dolls for little girls and didn’t give money to the little Hulkamaniacs who aren’t right in the head, dude.”

“The dust on Pig Pen is after I legdropped Charlotte Braun into powder, brother!”

“I am not Parson Brown. I will have nothing with ‘doing the job’ when you’re in town, brother.”

“I played bass guitar at Farmer Gray’s Christmas party, brah!”

“I was going to get Clarence a new saxophone, but my Harley got stuck in snow, brother.”

“Jon Favreau wanted to make a Christmas Cinematic Universe, so I was supposed to reprise my role as Santa with Muscles in Elf. But I missed the call cause I was hanging and banging getting ready for the Rock at WrestleMania 18, brother. So they got that Lou Grant dude instead, Jack.”

“I created and funded the Hallmark Channel, brother!”

“I made people remember who Haruhi Suzumiya was and saved the SOS Brigade’s Christmas party, brother!”

“I gave Mr. Grainger the idea for his Father Christmas outfit, brother!”

“I cured Carol Brady’s laryngitis, brother!”

“I was going to send Jimmy Valiant and Manny Fernandez to show Archie Bunker the horrors of Nam, and why people like David dodged the draft, but we were all booked to wrestle in the Mid-South Coliseum that night, brother.”

“I told Sam Kinison to help out Al Bundy, brother.”

“I was going to legdrop the Ghost of Christmas Future and let Beavis score, brother.”

“I trained Donald Duck to go into battle when he had that snowball fight with Huey, Dewey, and Louie, brother.”

“I convinced Fred Flintstone to share his Fruity Pebbles before Santa told him to, brother. He was just selling for the big guy, trying to make his legend like I made the Rock, Andre, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior, etc. etc. Jack!”

“I was the music teacher for those Hershey Kisses, brother.”

“I taught Ronald McDonald how to ice skate, brother!”

“After I put over the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee and made him a legend, brother, I convinced him to go to olden times in England and use his cereal to change Ebeneezer Scrooge, dude.”

“I told Cap’n Crunch to fill his cereal with red and green Crunch Berries for Christmas, all his little Crunchamaniacs would spend hundreds for it, brother.”

“I told Reese’s to not make their Peanut Butter Trees look like trees….as long as everyone’s guessing, the longer they’ll keep buying them, brother.”

“I invented fruitcake, brother, cause I knew it made as good a weapon as the Hulkster War Bonnet, dude.”

“I gave Father Christmas the Axe Bomber and gave that Irn-Bru can back to The Snowman and that kid, brother.”

“I tried to warn the M&M’s and Santa that they both existed, but they clearly believed in Macho Madness because they didn’t listen to me, brother.”

“I was Granny Arbuckle’s personal trainer, brother!”

“I also was the one who fixed Joshua Trundle’s giant clock, Jack!”

“I was Mister Magoo’s acting teacher when he did that production of A Christmas Carol, brother. For some reason he kept straining his eyes and called me Mr. DeMille, dude.”

“The Great Ak was based off of me when L. Frank Baum wrote The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, dude!”

“That guy used the Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer to make that drink he offers to the girl he’s convincing that it’s cold outside.”

“I would have beat up Bobby ‘The Weasel’ Heenan for saying Santa wasn’t real, dude, but I was not watching Prime Time Wrestling cause I was getting ready for No Holds Barred: The Match with my friend to the end, Brutus the Barber, brother. So it was up to Roddy Roddy Piper, Jack!”

“All I can say about bringing back the McDonald’s Muppet Babies plushes is you had them and they only got you so far.”

“They wanted me to be in a triple threat match in South Park, Colorado, against Jesus and Santa, but I decided not to so I didn’t overshadow either of those young up and comers, and gave them their moment in the spotlight like I always do, brother.”

“They said there’d be snow on Christmas, but the heat from Hulkamania stopped that, brother.”

“I stopped Michael Jackson from telling his dad about mommy kissing Santa Claus, cause I knew Joe Jackson was bad news, brother.”

“I told Cyndi Lauper she should do a duet for Christmas with Frank Sinatra, dude.”

“After the king told the people everywhere, they told me, and I told the entire universe if they saw what I saw, brother.”

“I told Bruce Wayne to file for identity theft after Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy hypnotized him into letting them max out his credit card, brother.”

“I bought Batman some deodorant and anti-odor Bat Cologne so people would leave the Batster alone and stop singing that he smells, brother.”

“I told Vince to create Survivor Series so WCW would make Starrcade a Christmas tradition, brother!”

“I said that Kwanzaa would be….you know, probably better to not tell this story, brother.”

“I bodyslammed each of the Seven Friendly Giants in the middle of the Enchanted Forest, brother. Then I tossed the Evil Queen off the cliff before Snow White Jr. was gonna cry, dude. Then she became Evil-Lyn and joined Skeletor, Jack!”

“I trained the Evergreen Raccoons to beat Cyril’s Bears on the squared ice, brother. Did I mention I used to hang and bang with Wayne Gretzky, dude?”

“I invited Charo, Dinah Shore, the Del Rubio Sisters, and everyone to Pee-Wee’s Playhouse for Christmas, brother.”

“The Smurfs were really singing, Hulkamania makes the badness go awayyyyyyy…”

“I told Big Bird how Santa fits down all the chimneys, brother.”

“I motivated Droppo into no longer being the laziest man on Mars, brother.”

“I told Trevor Lefkowitz that he should make a move on Hetty Woodstone, brother. And that Isaac and Nigel should totally get together, dude.”

“My lawyer in the Gawker trial convinced the City of New York that Kris Kringle was Santa Claus, brother.”

“I would have stopped the Multi Million Dollar Man and Xanta Claus from ruining Christmas if I wasn’t hanging and banging in WCW, brother.”

“I was going to let Crow T. Robot decide who lives and who dies, brother.”

“The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes cause he took his Hulk Hogan Vitamins, brother.”

“I showed Clark Griswold where the largest tree in the world was, brother! Only he wasn’t a Hulkamaniac…if he only said his prayers and took his vitamins, he’d have enough power to keep his house lit, dude.”

“I was going to replace Chevy Chase in fact, Jack…only John Hughes didn’t think me leg dropping my boss and shoving the Jelly of the Month coupons down his mouth like I did to Brell’s check in No Holds Barred worked for him, brother. Joke’s on him, as my Santa With Muscles is a holiday classic. Who even remembers that National Typhoon movie, dude?”

“If only Marlo Thomas had a Hulkster on the Hearth instead, then she wouldn’t have all that crappy stuff happen to her and her family, brother!”

“I gave Braun the Leprechaun his Christmas Gold when we were both in WCW, brother!”

“I taught Italian to Dominick the Donkey, brother!”

“I told Elmo and Patsy that their song should include Grandma hulking up after the two count and legdropping all of Santa’s reindeer, brother.”

“Cheech and Chong were singing/talking about Santa With Muscles, brother, cause I played for Motown, dude. Only I quit because it was filled with…OK, onto next fact, Jack…”

“I convinced Grudge to believe in Santa Claus and in Toledo, brother.”

“Bluto got the idea for disguising as a Santa with muscles from me, brother. If only he took his vitamins and ate his spinach like Popeye did, dude.”

“I got Leslie Uggams, Anne Murray, and Ethel Merman to visit Sesame Street to give Oscar an attitude adjustment. I would have asked John Cena, but I couldn’t see him.”

“I led that family to that tree that was small and of no account, and that’s how it got a home for Christmas, Jack!”

“The ‘three wise men’ were just me and the 24 inch pythons, brother!”

“John told of another greater than he, one who’s yellow boots he wasn’t worthy of lacing, brother.”

“I helped everyone rig up the lights, send Christmas cards, gave them aspirin and cold showers for hangovers, and I found them a Christmas tree. And I got that kid a Transformer too, and big booted the in-laws, Jack.”

“I used the largest arms in the world to deliver that 900 pound hippopotamus to that kid for Christmas, brother.”

“I trained Mr. Snowman, so when the other kiddies knocked him down, he hulked up and gave them the big boot and legdrop, brother.”

“I introduced Bing Crosby to this young English singer I discovered, David Bowie, brother, and suggested they do a Christmas duet, dude.”

“I wrote ‘Auld Lang Syne’ with Guy Lombardo, brother.”

“I rescued Miss Piggy from the blizzard, brother.”

“I was drinking with Dean Martin before he started singing about Rudy the Red Beaked Reindeer, brother.”

“‘Little Saint Nick’ was written about my son, brother.”

“I helped Phil Spector create the Wall of Sound with my bass guitar, brother.”

“Ted DiBiase joined The Steiners because I showed him how if he didn’t change his ways, he’d be the richest man in the cemetery, brother!”

“I was the forest real estate agent that sold Chip and Dale the pine tree that Mickey just so happened to chop down. It was a plan to help those little dudes find the Christmas spirit when their tree was decorated, and then celebrate with Mickey, Pluto, Donald, and the whole Disney gang, brother!”

“I convinced Brian Henson to delete ‘When Love Is Gone’ from A Muppet Christmas Carol while I was working on Muppets From Space, brother. I did it because I had to sell the gizzimick of being Hollywood and being NWO 4 Life, so of course I’d ruin everything for everyone, dude.”

“I sold the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the gifts they had to get for Splinter, brother. And how did they repay me, er, him? By singing the ‘I Hate Splinter!’ meme for that Phelous dude, man!”

“I was picketing with those soccer moms protesting Silent Night, Deadly Night because what if one of my Hulkamaniacs bought a fake ID and saw that film, brother? They’d be scared of Santa forever and a day, dude! In fact, Jack, I blame Silent Night, Deadly Night for why Santa With Muscles bombed! All those kids were still traumatized seeing Santa as a murderer, that they didn’t want to see me in the red suit and beard, brah!”

Goodbye, and remember…why have a Merry Christmas…WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A NO HOLDS BARRED CHRISTMAS!!!!