WWF Shotgun Saturday Night – 01.11.97

Last week on the debut episode of Shotgun Saturday Night… The Flying Nuns defeated The Godwinns with help from Brother Love and renamed themselves “The Sisters of Love”. It would also mark their last in-ring appearance as the one-note joke was beaten into the ground within 30-seconds… Goldust defeated The Sultan when Marlena removed her top, distracting him with her boobies and causing Bob Backlund to freak out… Ahmed Johnson gave the yet-to-be-named D’Lo Brown a Pearl River Plunge on the roof of a car after a cheap DQ victory over Crush… Mascarita Sagrada defeated Mini Vader and gave us some classic Jim Cornette shenanigans… Sunny promised us a “home sex video” because she wanted to one-up Marlena for her stunt with the Sultan…

Taped from the All-Star Cafe in New York City, NY with Vince McMahon and Sunny calling the action and Todd Pettengill running around attempting to be humorous. The WWF ran a live event at the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA so anyone in these results will not be making a live appearance: Flash Funk pinned Salvatore Sincere, The Sultan defeated Aldo Montoya by submission, The Godwinns and Bart Gunn defeated Bradshaw, Owen Hart and The Bulldog, The Undertaker pinned Vader, Hunter Hearst Helmsley pinned Bret Hart due to Austin’s interference, Ahmed Johnson pinned Crush, Shawn Michaels pinned Mankind, and Sycho Sid pinned Steve Austin because of interference from Bret Hart. Wow, doesn’t leave a heck of a lot of the roster available for this show.

The Honkytonk Man is getting his shoes shined as we zoom in on a newspaper with a Sports headline about George Steinbrenner needing to dump Kenny Rogers. Meanwhile, Marc Mero and Sable arrive at the building via limousine. Tonight we’re going to see Wildman vs Diesel! Savio vs Faarooq! Rocky Maivia vs Razor Ramon! Plus a special performance from The Honkytonk Man!

BREAKING NEWS: The Sisters of Love were arrested for soliciting at 42nd and Broadway in front of the Disney Store and will not be appearing tonight. Or any other night. Good riddance. I’d be banging my head if I had to watch them wrestle another match.

“Wildman” Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. Diesel:
Just in case anyone isn’t familiar with the era, this Diesel is Glenn Jacobs, formerly Isaac Yankem and the future Big Red Machine, Kane, having been introduced in September as some weird creative decision done to prove WWF’s ownership of the gimmicks or that “anyone can play the character”. Either way, the move was a spectacular flop and is a genuine lowlight of the era, and thankfully the Diesel and Razor characters were quickly and quietly moved down the card and eventually removed from TV shortly after the 1997 Royal Rumble. Mero seems to be lost in transition, having lost the Intercontinental Title to Helmsley and Helmsley moving on with a storyline involving Goldust and Marlena. I can’t stress enough how much better the lighting is compared to last week’s episode. I know we’re going to get different results from different venues, but at least this looks semi-professional. Vince notes Sable’s difficulty making her way through the crowd, and of course Sunny chimes in to put herself over. We get our 3rd or 4th mention of the home video. I’ve obviously lost count at this point.

Diesel attacks from behind, throwing his best Kevin Nash punches. He makes a move on Sable and she smashes cake in his face. HOW RUDE. Mero works him over, but can’t take him off his feet. Diesel withstands a series of knees and clotheslines and lays Mero out with a big boot. We cut to Todd, who gets a 10-second promo out of the “more aggressive” Sable. Sunny asks if she would be happy to see Mero in her home video. Take a shot every time they mention the video… or if Sunny puts herself over. Diesel with the big elbow for two. Mero gets dumped and here’s Razor Ramon to pick the bones, only for Rocky Maivia to make the save. He falls over throwing a punch, and we get a Pat Patterson cameo from “gorilla”.

After an advertisement for the upcoming card at MSG (set to the “Slam Jam” song from their 1993 album), we return with Diesel cutting off a comeback and a replay of the cake smashing spot. Todd is with the Honkytonk Man now and promises they’re performing a duet. Diesel with the side slam (with hair flip) and a delayed vertical suplex for a pair of near-falls. In the last few minutes, Vince suggests either Maivia or Diesel are Sunny’s co-stars. Diesel with the flying lariat. THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE! Sorry, force of habit. They botch something that ends up a cross between a spine-buster and side slam. Mero with a spinning head-scissors and diving clothesline, followed by a moonsault from the top rope. He gives up the cover as Honky approaches Sable, because we’re dipping into the same bag of gimmicks multiple times. Diesel takes advantage and puts Mero away with the Jackknife at 12:17 (shown).

Post-match, Mero seems upset and wants nothing to do with Sable. Honky tries to make a move, but Rocky is back to be the hero, and now Mero is back. They start trading blows but the two referees in attendance manage to break it up. HOLY OVERBOOKED MESS. The match was a drag and the entire match centering around Sable “crying” and “screaming” was cringe, even for hamburger dinner theater.

BREAKING NEWS: We get mugshots of the Sisters of Love.

Savio Vega vs. Faarooq (w/ The Nation of Domination):
Faarooq has PG-13, Clarence Mason, and (yet-to-be-named) D’Lo Brown with him, so the Nation is well represented for the night. Faarooq is still in the never-ending feud with Ahmed Johnson, and their first one-on-one match is scheduled for the Royal Rumble the following weekend. Savio Vega is just floating around at this point, having little to do since they blew off his lukewarm feud with Justin Bradshaw. Random note: I was scrolling through the roster of WWF War Zone and FAAROOQ was listed as a “Fan Favorite” in the character bios. Judging by the roster and when the game went into the final phase of production, I can guarantee he was a rule breaker (especially since Owen Hart, despite being in his post-Foundation gear, is listed as a rule breaker).

The match is in progress as we come back from commercial, with Faarooq in control of a chin-lock. Small chant for E-C-Dub dies down quickly. Sunny puts herself over again, taking credit for Faarooq’s in-ring strategy. Whip and we get a clothesline double-down. Vince tells us to “get our VCR’s out” because Sunny’s HOME SEX VIDEO is coming up. Todd is standing by, asking a fan who will be in the video with Sunny. He says it’s the SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN and wishes it was him. PLANT. Vince jumps in, suggesting it’s Faarooq, but Sunny shoots down that theory. Savio with an electric chair drop. Faarooq/Ron Simmons must’ve loved that spot. Vince says notwithstanding a lot and Sunny just identified D’Lo by name. I guess I stand corrected. The crowd “WOO” with a series of chops. Savio hits the heel kick, but Wolfie D distracts the referee. Faarooq busts out of a snap suplex, but a chin-lock is countered with a jaw breaker. Whip to the corner, Savio misses a dive and a spine buster finishes at 5:56 (shown). At least this was decent (and kept reasonably short). It was a bit of a mess to listen to, however.

Buckle in, because we’re not wasting any more time… it’s time for Sunny’s home sex video. She’s laying in bed with a Tickle Me Elmo. It’s the hottest toy this holiday season, and of course the hottest woman deserves the hottest things. Everyone wants to know who she makes love to every night, and we’re going to meet him now. It’s a guy in an Elmo costume, wearing a black thong. I can only imagine it’s Bruce Prichard because it would make Vince laugh. He screams out “Fondle Me Elmo”, and Sunny details how he’s Tickle Me Elmo’s hotter, older brother. She rips off his underwear and turns off the lights, clapper-style (was the clapper still a thing in 1997?). What follows is roughly 15-seconds of sound effects and dirty talk that maybe one or two people might genuinely find amusing. The lights are back on and the bed is broken. “The energizer bunny has nothing on you.” Fondle Me Elmo asks where his pants when, then asks where his *BOING SOUND EFFECT* is. We cut to Sunny smiling, and we’re all sorry for wasting our time. The whole segment was maybe 2-minutes long, but man I feel like Roger Ebert right now when he said Suburban Commando was so bad it made him tired of going to the movies.

Todd Pettengill and the Honkytonk Man are standing by to “entertain the crowd.” Todd with his own made up lyrics set to an Elvis song, and then Honky chimes in, whispering everything and being completely awful. At least Todd is trying, even if this entire segment is failing. They’re suddenly joined by some guy, and Vince is like “there’s some fan in there” with zero enthusiasm. Wow, we’re almost in the territory that this could be worse than the Sunny and Elmo segment from five minutes ago. THIS IS THE COOL MATURE AUDIENCE PRODUCT VINCE WANTED.

Rocky Maivia vs. Razor Ramon:
You know you’ve got two back-to-back stinker segments when Fake Razor feels like a breath of fresh air. Sunny is still infatuated with Maivia, attempting to get herself over in every segment. Razor gets the early jump, but Rocky cuts him off, throwing some terrible dropkicks that were thankfully taken out of his offensive arsenal sooner rather than later. The crowd chants about Scott Hall and Vince is quiet about it, like he is for the random chants for ECW and ECW-related talent. Honkytonk Man is hanging around ringside as we take a commercial break. When we return, Razor is in control, slowing things down with a chin-lock. Rocky gets dumped and Honky gets a few kicks in before sending him back in the ring. We’re told that Todd Pettengill is making his way to Time Square and find out that Shotgun will be in San Antonio next week for Royal Rumble weekend. Rocky counters the Razor’s Edge and puts Ramon away with the shoulder breaker at 5:01 (shown). Razor kicks out at 3.1, of course. So-so action, which is almost high praise at this point.

Todd is hanging around the streets of Time Square, making light of homelessness as he comes across a row of cardboard boxes on the sidewalk. Nikolai Volkoff (in his one suit) pops out to complete the joke. Honkytonk Man, Nikolai Volkoff, Fondle Me Elmo. SMELL THE RATINGS.

Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs. The Headbangers:
We’re rapidly running out of time. You know, maybe we could’ve cut out Todd and Honky singing if we were trying to cram four matches into the show. I guess the Headbangers are subbing for the Sisters of Love, who we are again reminded were arrested earlier in the day. BREAKING NEWS: Goldust will be on Shotgun next week for a live birthing, because Goldust IS PREGNANT (complete with a cover for “Vainity” Fair magazine. HAR HAR). Someone kill me. We join the action in progress, with LaFon taking Mosh over with a belly-to-belly suplex. LaFon with knees to the body and a jaw-breaker. Furnas tags in and gets whacked from the apron by Thrasher. Whip and Thrasher comes off the turnbuckle with a clothesline for two. Vince calls them a “most unusual combination” because he doesn’t understand the gimmick. We go to another break and Todd is outside being a dork. The official location next week for Shotgun will be Denim & Diamonds. LaFon gets the hot tag and runs wild as we run out of time, with Vince promising to show the rest next week. I’m still waiting for the finish of Undertaker vs. Skinner from the February 22, 1993 episode of Raw.

Final Thoughts: Last week was bad enough with the one-note joke of the Sisters of Love eating up 15-minutes of TV time. This week we got Sunny’s “home sex video” with a guy in an Elmo costume, which was thankfully shorter, but somehow made my brain melt even faster. I know it’s an easy joke to make, and I’ve made it several times already, but someone needed to tell Vince that being cool and hip doesn’t mean using Honkytonk Man and Nikolai Volkoff. Especially in 1997. The wrestling was marginally better than last week, but that isn’t saying much.